View Full Version : Stressed and grieving

10-28-2011, 04:51 AM
I don't post much at all - I'm a very introverted person and I have spent a good portion of my life convinced that no one cares what I have to say, anyway. However, I have lurked on this site for a couple of years now, and I have been very impressed by the compassion and caring that I've seen in that time. This post will probably ramble a lot, but I just need to vent, I guess.

I live in Tennessee, but I am from Virginia. My husband and I moved down here 5 years ago to make a fresh start after I lost my manager job due to internal politics and ass-kissing. His mother lives down here, on land that he paid for by working his ass off through his teens and early twenties, only to leave it behind when he moved to VA to marry me. He signed the land over to his mother when he left, and she said that if we moved back down to stay with her, we would be able to get back on our feet. We'd be rent-free, and just help her with the utilities, and she had two running vehicles (we had been without a car for a couple of months in VA), so we would be able to work and save money and just help her out. So, we packed up and moved, leaving my family behind.

So, we got down here and discovered that things would not be as discussed. She only had one working vehicle, and she expected $400 a month for "having to put up with us intruding in her home," plus us paying half of the utilities. She also didn't want us to use her one working car more than absolutely necessary - which made life a little difficult when we lived 20 miles from town. We were responsible for putting gas in it, and if anything went wrong with it, we were "driving it into the ground." She kicked us out half a dozen times over the next year (including one time that we walked 5 miles to his sister's house, only to be told we could spend the night and then she'd help us find a homeless shelter) before we finally managed to get our own apartment. In the course of that year, we had barely saved enough for the first month's rent, while she had managed to buy a used car...which she then bullied us into buying from her (making payments) so she could buy something she liked better. I'm not even going to go into the extensive mental abuse she inflicted, mainly on my husband, in the time we were there. The woman is not stable. We had to stay with her again for a few months two years ago, and the last confrontation ended with her swinging an axe at my husband.

Anyway, we have now been down here for 5 years. Both of us want to go back to Virginia - I miss my home and my family, and he misses the state that actually felt like home and the family that accepted him simply for loving me. We are once again without a vehicle (transmission failed in the car we bought). I work full time, but my husband is not in good health and has not worked since March. I haven't been able to get back to VA to visit my family, and my mother and I were very close before I left. The last time I talked to her (the day of the VA earthquake), I learned that my grandparents were in poor health, as well. Last Saturday, I got a call from work (it was my day off) telling me that my brother had tried to call me there. My brother hasn't spoken to me in about 6 months, so I was very concerned. I tried his house, but the number was no longer valid, so I tried my grandparents' house, as my mother has been living with them as a caregiver for over a year. One of my aunts answered. My grandfather had died early that morning.

I loved my grandfather. He could be a very difficult man to understand, but he showed his love in the little things - ongoing jokes, making sure each grandchild got something small especially from him on Christmas, an unexpected gift of money when my husband and I first started out and he knew we were struggling. I hadn't seen him in 5 years, and I don't remember the last time I spoke to him on the phone - he was never one for long phone conversations. He didn't get very far in school, but he was always learning new things, challenging himself. The strangest memories have popped into my mind over the last few days - the way he called cookies 'n cream "that old dirty ice cream" because he said it looked like it had been scooped up off the floor; how he would sit there at Christmas with his bowl of nuts and a nutcracker; the fact that I don't think he ever learned how to spell my first name correctly.

I spent Saturday sobbing off and on. My MiL called once, while I was relatively calm, ranting about something trivial and barely letting me get a word in about anything. I didn't tell here about it then, and I didn't tell her the next day, when she called as I was on my way out the door to walk to work. She found out Monday by reading my husband's post on FB, then called him to rant about how her children were all inconsiderate and hateful. Why on earth should I have made it a priority to tell her about my loss? She never cared about my family, unless she thought they could help us (well, her) financially.

I started my week vacation today (Thursday). Too late to attend my grandfather's burial or memorial service. I scoured travel options the past few days, trying to find a way to get home just for a little while, but we didn't have the money, transportation, or connections to make anything work, even if I went on my own and my husband stayed here with our three pugs. I feel so trapped. I hate my job, and I hate this town. I want to go home. I don't want to lose my grandmother without ever seeing her again, and I would seriously have a nervous breakdown if something happened to my mother and I couldn't be there. My brother is there, and my two not-so-little nieces. There is nothing here for us but a bitter, selfish, hateful woman who can't see beyond her own needs and wants. The only guilt I would feel would be that once she's gone, I know neither of her daughters would care about her dogs the way we would (she has pugs, too, and we helped raise one of them). To clarify, my husband feels the same way I do. If we had trustworthy leads on housing and jobs, we'd be packing this second.

At least I have the next few days to try and get myself back together - it's difficult to run a shift, even a slow one, when you really want to just lock yourself in the office and cry.

10-28-2011, 05:36 AM
I have no advise or words of wisdom but I have an offer of virtual *hugs*.

Food Lady
10-28-2011, 06:03 AM
I'm so sorry all this is happening. I'm sorry I don't have any advice. But I second DW's hug.

10-28-2011, 06:27 AM
Hugs are good - I didn't really expect a lot of advice. We just need to try and get our lives together so we can make the changes that we need. I needed to vent, though, and hugs are more than I would get from anyone around here. We aren't very social people, so we don't really have "real life" friends. We support one another, but it never hurts to know someone else is thinking of you and wishing you well.

Hugs are wonderful. Thank you.

10-28-2011, 06:49 AM
Would your mom, grandmother or brother let you stay with them until you can get a job and on your feet?? If so, I would suggest saving every penny you can and selling anything you cannot carry on a bus and buying two one way bus tickets back. You will have to start from scratch but it is a far cry from being in a toxic situation. Most bus tickets can be bought pretty cheap if you purchase them at least two weeks in advance. You would have to give up your dogs which would be sad but again it would be better than where you are at. That is the only solution that I can think of, I wish you the best of luck! Oh, yes I did think of something else, is there a Salvation Army where you are at? Maybe check with them or if you are affiliated with a church you could talk to a pastor, they may have some advice or even know of someone who is going in your general direction and would be willing to give you a ride for the price of gas. Maybe even putting an ad in the paper or on craigslist, as long as you don't get some crazy person. Anyways I do hope all works out well! Keep us posted!!

10-28-2011, 07:13 AM
many many hugs. hope you both can get back home soonish......

10-28-2011, 12:39 PM

Here are a whole bunch of hugs.
I am so sorry for your situation and I hope things work out for you.

You are among friends here. Never forget that.

Vent any time.

Lace Neil Singer
10-28-2011, 01:00 PM
More hugs from me. *hugs* I'm introverted too, and I find it hard to open up, either online or offline. I will be sending good thoughts your way.

10-28-2011, 01:23 PM
I'm glad you decided to share this and get some of it off your chest.

We actually DO care about what you have to say here. :) Good thoughts your way, and please keep us posted about your situation. We will be hoping good things for you.

I'm sorry about your Grandfather. That can't be easy.

10-28-2011, 01:41 PM
Here, have some hugs. And some chocolate.


10-28-2011, 02:41 PM
I hope you will find a way out.

10-28-2011, 03:09 PM
I'm sorry for your loss. I know it hurts not to say your goodbyes after somebody you love passes on. I didn't get to say goodbye when my paternal grandfather passed on because all the planes going to my birth country (in South America) were full for the dates the funeral and burial for my grandfather were held. Not even my father was able to get a ticket. It sucks and it hurts bad. As for the moving out situation, I know it's not easy with your MIL bullying you and your hubby to pay for so much despite the agreement but do what you can, save up so much a month together or even sell stuff you don't need/want anymore for extra cash to get outta dodge. It's not an easy road, but I know you and your hubby can pull together and make it. :hug: :hug:

10-28-2011, 03:12 PM
Hugs from me and some cookies and quilts.

I've been homeless before, 6 months after I got married, hubby lost his job. We were homeless for 2 years.

It will get better, hang in there. I'm really shy IRL myself, if you ever need someone to vent to, I'm only a PM away.

10-29-2011, 03:47 AM
I loathe those who entrap others with false promises, then use them to the hilt and discard them. You have my full sympathies.

You are in my prayers.

10-30-2011, 12:57 AM
Thank you, all of you, for the kind thoughts, hugs, and chocolate.

I actually talked to my mother on the phone yesterday and presented the possibility of us moving in with her and my grandmother, temporarily. If it was up to just those two, I think it would be an easy answer, but my aunts are determined to be involved in everything, and I'll probably have to convince them that we don't want to just come up and mooch off my grandmother. My husband is more than happy to help out around the house (he's the cook, not me, and he's much more organized than I am), and I will work my butt off to find a job. We want our own place (I love my grandparents' house, but I know we could never afford to buy it), and I want to be close to my family.

Thanks again for all the kind thoughts.

10-30-2011, 02:55 AM
Here's hugs from me too. I know what you feel like, I went through it myself, and I hated it.

I now live in Kansas which is far away from my family and friends in Oregon, and am just counting the days while I save money to move back there.

I hope it all works out for you, will be sending kind thoughts your way.

10-30-2011, 03:10 AM
:hug::hug::hug: So sorry for your loss.

I hope you are able to find a way out of that situation. Best of luck, and you have my condolences.

10-30-2011, 08:01 AM
I'm sorry about your grandfather. He sounds like a great guy. I hope you have many wonderful memories of him.

I hope everything works out so you can go home. It's hard to be away from family.

11-01-2011, 10:22 PM
I'm in a similar position. My grandfather is terminally ill right now and I'm 1200 miles away. I still haven't fully come to grips with the fact I will never see him again.

I am fortunate enough to have (albeit barely) the means to return home and attend the memorial.

My mother was the meddler in my family. When my wife and I first got engaged, she was very angry with my wife for wanting to take her little boy all the way to the Southern U.S. (she didn't believe the truth, which was that coming here was MY choice).

She refuses to do anything to get a job, yet complains about having no money and expects my brother and I, who are also of limited means, to help her out.

She has gotten a bit better over time, but there's still tension there. Unfortunately the family dynamics are now going to get a little worse with Gramps going.

My mother and grandmother are oftentimes like oil and water, they just can't tolerate each other for too long. Until now, Gramps has been able to provide a buffer there but with him no longer around, there may be nothing to stop the two of them from making life miserable for each other.

And then there's me, feeling helpless being 1200 miles away and not being able to be more involved in my family's affairs. Like you, I wish I had a way out.