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JoitheArtist
12-06-2011, 04:22 PM
I hope it's ok for me to post about this. It's a very difficult thing for me to talk about, but it's reached the point where I really need to. I've struggled with depression since I was about 11: I was suicidal at 13 and 16.

And it's happening again. I've had bad depressive episodes over the years, but none of them have been this bad since high school. I was with some friends to play a tabletop RPG over the weekend; I wake up a good 5-6 hours before they do. I spent those 6 hours on Sunday alternating between trying to figure out an acceptable way to kill myself, and stifling shrieks of horror over the realization that I was actually thinking of that. My friends finally got up and we started playing the game, but I couldn't concentrate. I kept feeling like I was going to burst out screaming at any moment, but couldn't seem to just open my mouth and tell them what was wrong.

The last two days I've mostly just felt numb: I guess I blew some sort of emotional fuse the other day or something. Whatever it is, I'm not questioning it--I'd rather not feel anything at all than what I felt on Sunday. I'm struggling to finish my thoughts, and even walking across the room feels like it takes all of my energy.

I'm not sure where to go from here. I can't afford medication right now, and a lot of the problems are psychological: medication won't fix that. I really really don't want to go to a counselor; I don't have a good history with them, and I find this whole thing to be incredibly difficult to talk about. I can't afford therapy right now, anyway.

I guess I'm not looking for advice right now. Just...Needed to tell someone what was going on. The one thing that helped on Sunday, the one thing that kept me from running out into traffic or something equally dumb, was knowing the effect that that would have on my community (both online and IRL). I truly don't want to hurt anyone other than myself, and knowing that my actions *would* hurt others helped me keep a connection to sanity.

After a suicide, it seems like people always say, "Why didn't they tell anyone what they were going through?" Because it's hard. Because it feels like other people's suffering is more important. Because it feels shameful. Because it feels like something you should be able to deal with on your own. Because of a million reasons. I hope I actually publish this post. There are lots of voices in my head right now telling me not to, that it will be whiny, that other people here have suffered far worse than I have and complained much less. But as much as I'm afraid of being looked down on or rejected for this, I'm more afraid of slipping into the abyss without a word. So here we go.

Everything hurts, and I don't know how to make any of it better. But I'm glad I know all of you, and I don't want to leave.

Darkwolf
12-06-2011, 04:42 PM
For what it's worth, I feel your pain and applaud you for having the courage to publish this post. I don't post often but I do read the forums daily and always enjoy reading your stories. Beyond that all I can say is :hug: .

Kara
12-06-2011, 05:01 PM
Because it feels like other people's suffering is more important.

This is me. Even now, with all the whining I do sometimes about my own problems from one mini-crisis to another, it's very very hard for me to talk about my problems because I've always felt like everyone else's problems are more important than my own. I feel like it's inconsiderate and selfish of me to put myself first.

Your suffering does matter, Joi, and I'm glad you were able to post this and let us know. I don't know what I can do to help, other than offer my shoulder to cry on. But I'll be thinking of you and sending good vibes your way, and if you need to talk, you know how to find me (here, chat, FB, and my # is in my FB info).

I know what it's like to stare into that abyss. I know what it's like to want to lose yourself in it, to want to let it consume you. And I know what it's like to look back and be so glad I didn't let that happen to myself, and I'll be damned if I'm going to let it happen to the people I care about.

*hugs*

Elspeth
12-06-2011, 05:22 PM
*hugs* I just want to say that I would miss you a lot so you can't go anywhere. Who would I follow on Twitter for silly things. Yes I am following you and loved the stuff you posted during the NASA tweetup.

I can give you a shoulder to cry on and am here to listen.

Shpepper
12-06-2011, 05:48 PM
I totally understand where you are too. I've been in similar places before. Please try to find someone to help and remember that you do matter to us all here. I just want to grab everyone right now and hug them. Not only would it make them feel better, but it might help me too. <3

Pedersen
12-06-2011, 06:37 PM
Joi, I'm not going to offer advice. You've stated you don't want it, so I'm not going to offer it. Should you change your mind, though, ask away. You'll find tons more advice than you know what to do with :)

I will say this: I'm glad to know you, and to have you here. Please don't go. We'd be much worse off without you.

Stay around. Please.

Redbeard
12-06-2011, 06:41 PM
After a suicide, it seems like people always say, "Why didn't they tell anyone what they were going through?" Because it's hard. Because it feels like other people's suffering is more important. Because it feels shameful. Because it feels like something you should be able to deal with on your own. Because of a million reasons. I hope I actually publish this post. There are lots of voices in my head right now telling me not to, that it will be whiny, that other people here have suffered far worse than I have and complained much less. But as much as I'm afraid of being looked down on or rejected for this, I'm more afraid of slipping into the abyss without a word. So here we go.

Everything hurts, and I don't know how to make any of it better. But I'm glad I know all of you, and I don't want to leave.


Just wanted to say that you're not alone, in more ways than one.
Struggled with this for a LONG time, the best thing to do is talk about it like you are and know that there's others who have gone through the same feelings.
Luck to you, and a pint raised to getting past it.

Nurian
12-06-2011, 07:47 PM
Your feelings are just as valid as someone else's. Don't let anyone, especially you, tell you that they aren't.
I hope this episode passes quickly.

Dips
12-06-2011, 08:13 PM
:hug:

Hang in there, Joi. I really like you and I don't want you to leave either.

fireheart
12-06-2011, 10:32 PM
I hope it's ok for me to post about this. It's a very difficult thing for me to talk about, but it's reached the point where I really need to. I've struggled with depression since I was about 11: I was suicidal at 13 and 16.


But I'm glad I know all of you, and I don't want to leave.

Joi, of COURSE it's OK to post about this stuff here! :hugs:

You have probably realised one of the most important things though: that even when depressed, you still have support out there and you still have people who love you. Hang in there!

ArcticChicken
12-06-2011, 10:40 PM
Just because other people *may* be suffering more, doesn't mean your pain isn't valid. It doesn't mean you shouldn't reach out to the ones you love for help. They want to help, we want to help. That's part of what love is. Wanting to be there for the people you love.

That being said, as soon as I hit post I'm sending you a PM with my contact info. Feel free to call anytime. I know what it's like to be alone in the middle of the night, just desperately wanting to hear another human voice. I'll pick up.

MoonCat
12-07-2011, 03:38 AM
Joie, you CAN'T go now! You have to be here with the new Mars explorer starts sending info back! Come on, you don't wanna miss that. Please. We need you, us, all these goofy, mixed-up, lovable, nutty, awesome people in this forum. WE NEED YOU TO BE HERE!

And don't ever feel that you can't or shouldn't post your feelings and thoughts here. That's what we're here for.

BookstoreEscapee
12-07-2011, 03:46 AM
You're certainly not the only one around here dealing with these things. There have been several posts lately with variations on the theme. I've dealt with depression myself for a long time, though not as severe as some others have. I can't say I've ever truly been suicidal but I have had thoughts that scare me, and I don't really know how to talk about it, either. I do find it's much easier to do it semi-anonymously in a forum post (though I don't think I've ever posted my own thread on the subject) than face-to-face with someone in real life. But just knowing there's lots of people around here that can relate and are more than ready to offer advice or just a shoulder is comforting.

Cat
12-07-2011, 04:00 AM
Hugs and kitty snuggles (or whatever snuggles you prefer). You know we're a family here, and you are not alone.

Stay with us.

BeenThereDoneThat
12-07-2011, 05:30 AM
Please stay, Joi. You are valued. I can relate, believe me...but knowing that others really do care is SO helpful. :hug: Take GOOD care of yourself.

reimero
12-07-2011, 01:17 PM
Joi - If you keep one thing in mind, keep this in mind: you are not alone. You have friends who care about you. A lot.

Kanalah
12-07-2011, 02:55 PM
:hugs: for Joi.

I know a lot of people here have depression, I do too and it's terrible this time of year.

I consider you a friend and I love reading your stories. You must have the patience of a saint to deal with the crazy.

Heck you know what? I'm gonna PM you in January when I get back from the in-laws and see what kind of quilt you'd like. Now you have to stick around. :lol:

Edit: that offer goes to anyone here with depression. I'm serious, I'll totally send you a quilt. Making them helps with my depression, and I love being able to make other people feel better.

JoitheArtist
12-07-2011, 04:27 PM
Heck you know what? I'm gonna PM you in January when I get back from the in-laws and see what kind of quilt you'd like. Now you have to stick around. :lol:

Edit: that offer goes to anyone here with depression. I'm serious, I'll totally send you a quilt. Making them helps with my depression, and I love being able to make other people feel better.

I...I would never hold you to an offer like that, but if you really want to, that would be amazing.



And thanks, everyone, for your words. It helps, at least a little. :)

Doing my best to stick around,


~Joi

Kanalah
12-07-2011, 04:55 PM
I wouldn't offer if I wasn't serious.

You're having a rough time of it, go sit down and cuddle with a quilt and think about all your friends on CS and I promise it'll make you feel better. :)

BeenThereDoneThat
12-08-2011, 12:14 AM
Kanalah, what a beautiful and generous offer. You are all kinds of awesome. :respect:

Cookie
12-08-2011, 12:27 AM
Joi, I'm there with you. It is SO hard to tell someone...anyone. But you did the right thing. I can't tell you what it's meant to have the people here rally around me while I struggle with this. I may not be able to offer much, but if you need someone to talk to, let me know. I haven't caught everything, but I know you've been through a lot lately and it does pile up inside even when you think you've dealt with it all as it came. And yeah, numbness can be a huuuge relief.

I don't know you as well as some here do, but I do care and want you to stick around.

Seshat
12-08-2011, 01:02 AM
You may notice that I often provide patient-advice on both depression and pain management.

You may also notice that I almost never talk about my own life.

Same thing. I suffer it. I don't feel like I have a 'right' to 'burden' other people with my problems.

You have my sympathy and understanding.

JoitheArtist
12-12-2011, 11:24 PM
Thanks for all the support, everyone. I'm glad to have a safe place to post.

It's now been a week since my meltdown. I'd like to say things are better, but they really aren't. I'm still way beyond broke, with bills piling up. I can't get Christmas presents for anyone this year, and even if I could make something, I couldn't afford to mail it. My church is in crisis, with lots of people yelling at each other. And none of that is even the main issue: I just can't stand myself any longer.

Right now, I don't actively want to kill myself, so I guess that's something of an improvement from last week. I still go to sleep at night hoping I'm not going to wake up. I try to hope for some kind of Christmas miracle that will make things better, but those almost never actually happen, and I wouldn't deserve one if they did.

Sorry for being a downer during the holidays. Thanks for your prayers and encouragement; sometimes that's the only thing that keeps me going.

~Joi

BlaqueKatt
12-13-2011, 12:10 AM
raps found these (http://depressioncomix.tumblr.com/archive) for me when I was going through similar, oddly they helped, because reading through them was like OMG, someone gets it. personally I've stopped talking about it because I keep getting told that I'm upsetting people, so I suffer in silence, it sucks. I've managed to get an appointment in mid january(booked it in early november, it was the earliest available), and like you I'm pretty sure it won't help, my depression is due to my entire life falling apart, and except for the people here, I have no support, and due to some things that were said to me by a member here, I don't feel safe talking to anyone here either.

Cookie
12-13-2011, 09:43 PM
As someone reading these posts knowing people have said things, it really makes me mad. I think the support around here is wonderful, but there will always be some, I guess. You guys don't need to worry about bringing people down. Nobody is making anyone read every post on the board.

On the OTHER side of this, some things were said in my thread, too, about my depression and suicidal tendencies that have made me not want to post any updates. So yeah, I get it. :hug: for Joi and :hug: for BlaqueKatt

Akasa
12-13-2011, 11:27 PM
Aww Joi, hang in there. We'd miss you if you left us.
/big hugs

You can post about that kind of thing here, your depression is valid, you are not whiny for posting about it. We want to offer you support to get through this rough patch.

Teysa
12-14-2011, 07:51 PM
*Hugs* I'm sorry you're going through all this. I'll PM you my contact information too if you need to talk.

Just remember that we're here for you.

Buglady
12-14-2011, 08:24 PM
Joi, you don't need to apologise for your feelings! I am so sorry you've had people in your life that told you that. How utterly insensitive of them, and unfair.

The holidays are hard, for many reasons. There's a lot of expectations and a lot of memories; not to mention, it's a physically dark, cold season in a big chunk of the world and that takes its toll as well. We're complicated creatures, humans, and we are more affected by the rhythms of the natural world than we like to admit. (Where I am, we are down to less than 8 hours of daylight today; sunrise 8:32 a.m., sunset 4:28 p.m.... gah! But that's kind of extreme, and at least in Calgary we have pretty good odds of having bright sunlight for at least part of that 8 hours).

(Side note - I think that's WHY so many cultures have midwinter festivals - something to focus on in the deepest dark, and keep our communities and families from imploding... as well as a sense that we need to do something to lure the sun and warmth back...)

While I have always enjoyed reading your posts - you are an interesting, complex person! - by no means are you obligated to be "on," entertaining, or positive all the damn time! Nobody can do that. So. Whine, cry, scream, yell as much as you need; life sucks, frequently, and anyone who can't acknowledge that is probably a lot less healthy than you are. Go ahead and feel sorry for them.

Since as far as I can tell the alternatives to life all leave quite a bit to be desired, the next bit after yelling is to pick up and keep going, even just one more step, one more hour. Repeat as needed till something changes. And remember, you have a lot more people on your side than you realize :hug:

SailorMan
01-23-2012, 08:06 PM
Joi, for most of my life I was extremely shy, and had pretty much withdrawn from the world (it's how I became a nerd - I'd read just about everything, in many subjects, as a sort of solitary sport). There were times back then when my soul really hurt, and so I know a little about what you're going through.

But, I always felt as if I never had anyone to whom I could turn, and that's definately not the case for you, here and now. There are many people on this site who genuinely like you -- we know you're a decent person, because your character and your personality have shown through, via the medium of your written words.

And so, if you were ever to leave us, many of us would feel as if there were an empty place in our hearts, in the spot where we keep the knowledge burning bright of people who have touched our lives, in all the best and finest ways.