View Full Version : I hope I'm not getting my hopes up...again...

lupo pazzesco
12-17-2011, 05:39 PM
Ok, for those unaware, I recently moved to a different city to be with my boyfriend. I'm unemployed, broke and as such, this is the first year I won't be able to fly home to visit my family.

I'm taking this pretty hard. I love my mom. I miss her fiercely, and for the last decade or so, I've only ever been able to see her once a year for a little over a week. Same with my siblings, various aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, etc. I'm fighting depression over this.

Well, yesterday, while running around town doing errands with my wolfie, I get a phone call. It's my dad. He said he's currently in a town about 300 miles north, and wants to know if I'd be interested in him taking a bus down to come visit me.

I'm torn on this. See, I'm greatly interested. My initial reaction is "yaay!! I get to see a member of my family for the holidays, sweet!!!"

But then I remember.

My relationship with my dad is...rocky, to put it mildly. He's an alcoholic who, when I presented him with an ultimatum to choose between beer or his children, opted to stop talking to me for about 6 years. And he has a long history of not keeping his word, and not following through. In high school, he missed my graduation. He would also promise to pick me up from school, and he'd just forget me to be able to go to a bar and drink. I'd end up crying in the bathroom, because he'd just forget me. He'd call and basically go "oops, sorry, my bad! I forgot, but I'll be better next time"

In the last couple of years, after a series of deaths in my family, dad's been trying to reconnect, but it's hit or miss. he's still flaky, and I just...I don't know.

I'm scared to hope. I'm afraid he's going to flake out again, and I'm going to end up crying again. I can't give him any more ultimatums or whatnot, because it takes everything in me to maintain my stance on various issues. I have held those lines and I've done pretty well, but given my current frame of mind.

I don't know. Just need to babble. Wolfie is glad I get to see a family member, but has already made it clear if he flakes on me or disappoints me, he's no longer welcome in our home. I can't draw that line, but he will.

So, I'm afraid to get my hopes up...but they're already there, I think. Keep your fingers crossed for me, I guess...?

12-17-2011, 06:01 PM
Lots of hugs and good thoughts and prayers for you Lupo. While it would be great if he showed up, I think you are doing the right thing by realistically understanding that given his track record, you may not see him.

You know my relationship with my parents is strained, I always hope they'll make some attempt for me, but I know better. Not that I wouldn't like them to surprise me sometime, but I know how my parents are and what to expect. I guess I'm just used to it. Sounds like you are, too, as far as your father is concerned.

Hope for the best, plan for what you've come to expect. Whatever happens, deal with the outcome after the fact. And I'll keep my fingers crossed in the meantime :)

12-17-2011, 06:37 PM
I think, if you can, don't expect your pops to follow through, so if he does - whammo! Awesome surprise. If he doesn't, then no disappointment.

However, I'm going to hold fingers that you do get a lovely surprise :)

12-17-2011, 06:41 PM
Hope for the best, plan for the worst. I agree with the above advice.

lupo pazzesco
12-18-2011, 02:19 AM
On a whim, I checked the amtrak and greyhound sites to see if there were stations in the town he said he was in. It's farther away than he mentioned. over 400 miles or so. So, it's a longer distance, no stations exist right in that town, the closest being about 40 miles away. Even if he DID manage it, he'd take about 8 or so hours MINIMUM to get here.

Looking like it's not feasible. I'm trying not to curl up in a ball, but hey. Was a nice idea for the 24 or so hours I entertained it. :(

12-18-2011, 04:37 AM
*hughughug* :(

12-18-2011, 06:00 AM
I'm sorry, Lupo. My stepkids went through the same kind of thing with their mother...just strings of broken promises. My heart goes out to you. *hug*

12-18-2011, 07:08 AM
I wish you the best, lupo.

12-19-2011, 01:23 PM
Lupo, you can't change him. That's the bad news.

The good news is that you can change something about this situation. And that is your perspective.

When someone like this lets you down, you can't be disappointed. Because that's what's going to happen, and you know it. If you want to and it's not inconvenient for you to do so, you can give him a chance to not fuck up, even though you know he probably will.

If by some miracle the incredible happens and he does not fuck up, be happy and pleasantly surprised. But don't be upset when you discover that a leopard has spots and that they don't wash off. This is not news.

Probably, it's not gonna happen. This is who he is. If you want, you can forgive him for being who he is. You can even love him. But don't tell yourself he's anything other than what he is and that he's suddenly going to change and be worthy of your love. He's not. That's okay, because you know this. You can love him anyways. And you can be sad he's not a better person. But stop hoping for a miracle, because that's the part that will cost and hurt you.

If by some incredible twist of reality he looks like he might pull it off, you and and your own sweet man plan something nice together. Invite Dad to join you. If he shows up, fine. If not, fine. Because you and someone who adores you are going to have a wonderful day together regardless of whether or not this person shows up. The key is to remember that the day is about you and it's about Wolfie and if Dad misses out, well, no shock. And it's his loss, not yours. Because your wonderful day was not dependent on him, and you had it, and it was awesome.

Do not dwell on what you don't have. What you don't have is not worth anything at all in your life. It doesn't even exist, really. Dwell on what you DO have.

lupo pazzesco
12-26-2011, 02:11 PM
He waited until mid afternoon Christmas Day to call...

...and say sorry, not gonna make it.

Of course. I was at wolfie's dad's house, so I hid in the bathroom for a few minutes to cry. It sucks. I definitely got my hopes up.

It was still a good day. We left early and drove to Houston to visit wolfie's dad and wife, opened presents. Then his dad started a fire, and kept it going all day. We watched movies, played games, and just generally hung out. I'm sick and recovering, so having a lazy Christmas is just what I needed. Stilll, the disappointment is way too familiar, and I hate it. :(

12-26-2011, 03:44 PM
*sighs* What a twerp. :mad: *hugs lupo lots* :(

12-26-2011, 03:49 PM
<hugs Lupo> Sorry about that, girl.

12-27-2011, 01:20 AM
So unfair, Lupo. :( You deserve better.

12-27-2011, 01:26 AM
*hugs Lupo*

I just saw all of this. :hug: Gosh, I hate this for you so bad. I know the pain of a father disappointing you over and over and over. Each time, you REALLY want to hope he'll come through. Cry all you need to. It's part of it.

12-27-2011, 01:59 AM
That's fucked up he did that to you (and again!)! :pissed: :hug:

12-30-2011, 02:35 PM
Lupo, you can't change him. That's the bad news...

Wow. This is some of the best advice I've ever heard, from anywhere.

12-30-2011, 02:40 PM
*hugs* for Lupo.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. You're an awesome person and you don't deserve to be treated like that.

12-30-2011, 11:46 PM
I'm so sorry lupo.

If it warms you at all, you had a friend in Wisconsin thinking of you on Christmas :)