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View Full Version : Winter break/significant other dilemma


Lindsey
12-21-2011, 09:28 AM
My significant other and I are separated for winter break this year again, he's in Maine and I'm in Pennsylvania. Break is five weeks, I have the option of visiting him for the final two weeks of break from January 3rd til the 15th. However:

* Traveling entails a 13 hour bus ride that will cost me $200 round trip. He's offered to lend me the money if I need it. I'm currently contracted as a freelance content writer and I've already done the math and figured out how much I need to write to pay my bills this month and still afford to go. It would be easy to meet that quota. But articles take 3 days from the date of writing them to become auto-approved unless the client manually approves it earlier (they usually don't), payroll is every Monday and it takes 3-4 days past Monday to get the money from Paypal into my bank account where I can access it. Even if I sat down tomorrow and wrote enough articles to pay for the trip, there's no guarantee I'd have the money before I leave. Going would probably mean borrowing the entire $200 from him.

* This is going to sound like an awful reason to not want to go. Break started less than a week ago and I already miss him so much it hurts. I'm writing this post at 4 in the morning because I can't sleep without him next to me. Obviously I love spending time with him, but by January 3rd I won't have seen him for nearly 3 weeks.

His family is conservative and opposes us living together. His mom "forbids" us to sleep in the same bed while we're at school (we're roommates) but we do anyway. I visited him over Thanksgiving break and we made the mistake of sleeping on the couch together. We figured that since we were in the most public place in the house, no one could object to us sleeping there since we obviously couldn't be having sex or anything. We also cuddled (completely clean, just hugging/leaning on each other) during family time with everyone and occasionally we gave each other chaste kisses (just on the lips or cheek). I found out later after we were back at school that the sleeping and cuddling offended his family, so now I'm going to feel awkward about being there. I shouldn't take it personally or get upset, but it bothers me that I offended them.

Because of that, I can't sleep next to him or receive any kind of physical affection from him while I'm in his parents' house. After three weeks of not seeing him at all, I'll have to deal with acting like his good friend when we're all but engaged. I can't hug him or give him a kiss and I know I won't be able to sleep at all because I'll be alone. Having him that close, in the same house, but not being able to sleep next to him is going to make all the sleeplessness I'm experiencing right now even worse. I'm going to feel anxious all the time because we're naturally very affectionate together and I won't be able to do anything.

I'm thinking about sucking it up and borrowing the money from him to go, and going to the health center first to get sleeping pills so that I can knock myself out at night instead of staying up all night agonizing over how badly I need him to sleep with me. Every day this break he's asked me "how the money situation is", meaning "will you be able to come next month?" and he keeps telling me how much he wants me there. And if I'm there, we'll take a 13 hour bus ride back to school together on January 15th instead of him being stuck on the bus alone all day.

I wish I wasn't such a physically needy person so this wasn't an issue. I honestly love spending time with him, watching movies or playing games, making fun of bad TV or just talking to him. But missing him this badly and then not even being able to hug him until we're back at school? :(

Edit to add: I can't go home for breaks because my family doesn't have room so it doesn't help that I'm stuck in our dorm room alone with basically no human contact. I think that's compounding my neediness significantly.

MaggieTheCat
12-21-2011, 09:39 AM
Instead of you going to see him for the last 2 weeks, can he go to see you instead?

Lindsey
12-21-2011, 09:47 AM
Instead of you going to see him for the last 2 weeks, can he go to see you instead?

Nope. He has a job there for break. My job is work-from-home so I can do it anywhere, which means I have to be the one to go see him.

Greenday
12-21-2011, 10:50 AM
Out of curiosity, how long have you guys been together?

In a family like that, you really gotta follow their rules. People in families like that tend to always follow what their family says on major things. It's not his house. You have to follow his parents' rules while there. Otherwise they are going to strongly try to persuade him to not date you and will fold about as fast as I would getting raised pre-flop while hold a 2-7 off-suit. (This is just based on what I've observed on people from strong religious families.)

Sapphire Silk
12-21-2011, 05:07 PM
You have a choice, basically. Go see him or not. His parents house=their rules.

Of course, that doesn't mean you have to be in their home 24/7 does it? Surely he will have time when he's not working for the two of you to spend together alone? Or is even that verboten?

Just as a general note; it's not impossible to have sex in a crowded room. A friend of mine managed with her fiance, her wearing a dress, sitting on his lap, with her parents right there in the room. Or so I'm told.

Personally, I'm reminded of the picnic scene from Rob Roy.

Lindsey
12-21-2011, 05:41 PM
Out of curiosity, how long have you guys been together?

In a family like that, you really gotta follow their rules. People in families like that tend to always follow what their family says on major things. It's not his house. You have to follow his parents' rules while there. Otherwise they are going to strongly try to persuade him to not date you and will fold about as fast as I would getting raised pre-flop while hold a 2-7 off-suit. (This is just based on what I've observed on people from strong religious families.)

We've been together about a year and a half. I was getting that feeling too... I don't want to break the rules and get him into trouble with his family, or get his family upset at me, especially because our relationship is serious and I WANT to be part of his family someday. Breaking the rules over Thanksgiving was a complete accident because I didn't know there were rules. He initiated the cuddling and couch sleeping, so I assumed that meant he knew his parents were okay with it. I still feel bad that I upset them over that.

Thanks for the input, I agree.

You have a choice, basically. Go see him or not. His parents house=their rules.

Of course, that doesn't mean you have to be in their home 24/7 does it? Surely he will have time when he's not working for the two of you to spend together alone? Or is even that verboten?

Just as a general note; it's not impossible to have sex in a crowded room. A friend of mine managed with her fiance, her wearing a dress, sitting on his lap, with her parents right there in the room. Or so I'm told.

Personally, I'm reminded of the picnic scene from Rob Roy.

We probably have roughly 7am-3pm alone together weekdays because he only works nights, his parents work days and his sister is still in high school. When the family is home, we have to stay in and spend time with them. They're very big on family time and don't particularly like us being alone together... I'm a little surprised they're letting me stay when it means we'd be alone in the house together on mornings and early afternoons. Thanks for bringing that up... I hadn't thought of that.

I know it's possible to have sex in a crowded room, especially on a couch with blankets. I was just hoping that his parents would believe that we weren't having sex on their living room furniture where we could be caught by someone going to the bathroom in the middle of the night.

MoonCat
12-22-2011, 02:00 AM
Just a suggestion, when you go to bed borrow one of his shirts and either wear it to bed or tuck it next to your pillow. It will smell like him and be a little bit like having him there with you (probably shouldn't let the parents see this either though. They sound like the ultra-conservative type and they might object to this, too.) I know it sounds a little silly but it might help you sleep.

Lindsey
12-22-2011, 02:44 AM
I thought about it all day and after he finished working tonight I talked to him and told him I'd come. I don't want to miss spending two weeks with him over my insane need for physical comfort. I'll find a way to sleep alone and I'll enjoy being with him because I love him.

We do have weekday mornings together so we can cuddle and watch a movie until his parents get home from work. That will help. Sleeping is the only problem now, and I'm sleeping alone whether I'm in Maine with him or not. I don't have a choice. I might as well be able to spend my days with him even if I can't spend my nights.

Just a suggestion, when you go to bed borrow one of his shirts and either wear it to bed or tuck it next to your pillow. It will smell like him and be a little bit like having him there with you (probably shouldn't let the parents see this either though. They sound like the ultra-conservative type and they might object to this, too.) I know it sounds a little silly but it might help you sleep.

I think that will help. Right now I've been sleeping in the bed we usually share at school, and the quilts and blankets still smell like him from the last night we spent together. It's comforting. Thanks :)

Kheldarson
12-22-2011, 07:01 AM
Kabe and I had to do that kind of dance on weekends when he'd come visit me at my parents' house. This ended up having lots of late night conversations in my bed room with the door possibly propped open (sometimes it would "naturally" swing shut) and lots of stolen moments around corners and empty rooms. Not the best, but helps.