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View Full Version : Horrorscopes For This Month


Lace Neil Singer
12-22-2011, 09:05 PM
I've seen quite a few sites offering these, so I decided to have a go at making my own. :lol: Enjoy! Or not, as the case might be. :devil:


Aquarius
Any part of your personality that is wilful or possessive could be exposed this week, for there are opposing forces determined to bring out the best or worst in you. Try to lay off the alcohol this Christmas, or very bad things will happen to you. You may find yourself continuously suffering from a short-term memory loss or the selective-memory-syndrome. This will cause you to have a serious falling out with your best friend, and you will end up having to eat a large slice of humble pie in order to make up with her. On Thursday you will be photographed in a compromising position, and will have to pay a lot of money for the incriminating photos in order to minimise the damage caused by their exposure. Warning: Beware of the bears.

Pisces
Your mind is like a soggy rag. On Wednesday this week, you will think you've gotten lucky with the man/woman of your dreams. Sadly for you, you find out that you actually have your hand in warm compost. Stay inside this Friday, as the weather has it in for you and no matter where you go, it will always rain on you and since you left your only umbrella on a bus last Saturday, you cannot escape a soaking. You will have horrible luck today, as you get cut by falling leaves. This is cuz the trees are out to get you, and have marked you down as their number one target. The only way to escape is to collect together a pile of chocolate coins and leave them as an offering at the base of the largest tree in your neighbourhood.

Aries
You begin the Christmas holidays with a bang, by forgetting to wear any trousers. Sadly, due to the fact that you are at best unobservant and at worst lacking in any grey matter between your ears whatsoever, you will be completely oblivious to this fact til the snickering gets loud enough to penetrate even your thick, wooly head. Remember this; if an apple a day keeps the doctor away, then poor hygiene and a dishevelled appearance keeps people away. People staring at you are not feeling sorry for you, they're just wondering just how a moron like you manages to survive day to day. Your breath stinks, you collect used matches and always lose staring contests. I really have no idea why your god has forsaken you. Tip: Learn Esperanto.

Taurus
A week when finding the right words at the right time will have the effect of smoothing over a potential family upset. So be brave and admit it was you that scratched the car. You will stumble about this week in a drunken haze, which will result in you bumping into at least one lamp post. However, as there is nothing inside your head that can be damaged, you will simply shrug it off as one of those things. No-one likes you; anyone who says otherwise is only pretending. Beware the boogieman in the cupboard. He holds a knife with your name on it. Talk to friends if it helps but, believe me, it won't. Keep your light on every night when you go to sleep, or who knows what might happen otherwise?

Gemini
You are two faced this month, like all the other months. Frankly, everyone around you is getting tired of putting up with you and secretly wishes you could just disappear. You will find out tomorrow that all the donations that you fondly believed were going to a charity to feed starving children were actually supporting a secret organisation which assassinates dictators and makes it look as tho their deaths were from natural causes. Your money helped to kill Kim Jong; you don't know whether to feel relieved or horrified. Try to feel both, as it suits your split personality. According to your horoscope, you're going to have your wildest hopes and dreams come true. Sad to inform you, your Horrorscope (because this is the one that actually matters) states that your "horoscope" lied.

Cancer
Time to gather your skills and resources, to be assertive and to put your ideas to the right people. And then tap up your dad for some beer money. Your ego has inflated and it has now become so huge you are no longer able to carry it. Yet you canít shake it off and leave it behind. The only thing left to do is to flatten it with a steamroller, but since you do not hold a current driving licience, this could well be the worst idea you have ever had. Avoid eating liquorice this month. Monday will be a bad day for you, so much so that you will just give up on the day and go back to bed. You are mean and obnoxious, and kick small children when they run into you. Yet somehow, you still manage to have friends, tho this is probably due to the fact that they are all scared of you and not overly keen to get on your bad side. Tip: Paint your nails a happy colour, like pink or blue.

Leo
All is forgiven, youíre going to have a wonderful month full of flowers, fluffy bunnies and pictures of kittens. And if you believe that, you'll believe anything. Some things are just out of your control. You may often wish for a lottery win or cash prize win. You may wish you lived on a tropical island in a mansion. You may wish you were the best looker on the planet. Unfortunately the reality is different. Whatever your reality is, you are stuck in it, so stick with it and stop wishing for things you will never have. Lower your standards. Like your life and live it or go cry in the corner where the rest of us aren't bothered by it. Oranges are unlucky for you, as is the colour orange, traffic cones and really, anything at all coloured orange. You will choke on a peanut and get Heimlich Manovered by a total stranger; see, there's one person who cares whether you live or die, so quit being so melodramatic.

Virgo
Never compare yourself to anyone or it will cause you agony, it will give you sleepless nights, it will cause you stress, drive you to insanity and ultimately it will lead you to a negative thought process which will stay with you till the day you die. You are a fairly negative person anyway, so this is a normal way of thinking for you. On Christmas Day, you will receive from an aged aunt a really horrible jumper in lime green, hot pink and flourescent yellow, but you will be forced to wear it anyway as you are too wet to even consider hurting anyone's feelings. Chances are that you'll do nothing of any merit this week. Someone you know only slightly will smile at you. It May mean something, or they may just be trying to be friendly. You never can be too sure with smiles, so beware... it could be a bad sign. Warning: Beware of clothes that clank.

Libra
You cannot make up your mind about anything this month. Should you go out to that party you were invited to, or stay at home with family? Either way you decide, you will torment yourself with thoughts of what you may have missed. Of course, the mental torment will not last long, as your attention span isn't long enough. You will eventually be distracted by something shiny in the gutter and consequently forget everything, and you will not learn anything from your experience. You decide to create an outrageous and thus lucrative new fashion trend and assemble a snappy three piece suit made of thinly sliced roast beef. Sadly, as you take it out for its first outing, you run into a massive 10K Dog and Owner Run put on by the local chapter of PETA.

Scorpio
Youíre known for your stubbornness and creativity but also for occasionally talking complete rubbish. Life is like a magazine waiting to be opened and flicked through, unless it happens to be in one of those cellophane wrappers? If so, then that wrapper is your skin and you need to get under it quickly before somebody comes at it with a pair of scissors and rips out all of your dreams and throws them in the recycling bucket. Your neighbour's cat is out to get you. Are all your shots up to date? Youíre often seen jumping into situations which would be better left for time to solve. And public fountains. Slow your pace and for Godís sake put some clothes on. No, clingfilm does not count.

Sagittarius
You will walk around saying, "Bah, humbug" this month and scowling at anyone foolhardy enough to wish you a Merry Christmas. You hate everything about the season and wish that Oliver Cromwell existed today so that he could ban Christmas once more. Someone who shouldnít be affecting your life still is, and youíre allowing them this control. Steal their shoes and sell them on eBay. You can remove crayon drawings from walls or doors by simply heating them on a low setting with a hairdryer, then wiping off the remaining colours with a wet and slightly soaped cloth. Then remove the children that did them from your home, with a catapult. Make sure that you change the locks so there's no way they can ever get back in. The ants are out to get you. You are grumpy and sour this month, but then, you are like this every month so what's new? Tip: Smile!

Capricorn
After logging more than 20,000,000 hours in violent video games, psychologists determine that you are "Waaaaaaayyyyy past due" for a killing spree at your school and/or workplace. But your ideas of a homicidal rampage are cut short based on the fact that in real life there is no "God Mode" so you give up that idea and go off to steal chocolate Christmas tree decorations instead. This is your week to shine, Capricorn, so feel free to put people in their places and let them know who is top dog. Donít expect them to like it and be prepared for a few slashed tires and flaming bags of dog poop on your doorstep. At least you can be sure that you're finally making a difference to people's lives, even if it's just being the most irritating numpty they've ever encountered. You usually fail to discover the difference between being tired and being bone idle. Warning: The cake is a lie.

csquared
12-22-2011, 09:49 PM
As a Sagittarius, you are a little off the mark. I do like the catapult though! And your post did make me smile.

AnaKhouri
12-23-2011, 12:24 AM
As a Pisces, you are dead on! Today I went to the library with my son in his stroller and as soon as we left it started pouring. I took off my coat and threw it over him so was soaked after the 20 minute walk home. And I do sometimes have my hands in warm compost as I am trying to start up a compost heap!

I didn't know that about the trees though...where does one purchase chocolate coins these days? I haven't seen any in a long time....:lol:

MoonCat
12-23-2011, 01:27 AM
You will stumble about this week in a drunken haze,

What?? It's Thursday and I'm not drunk yet!! Somebody's not doing his job....!! :headscratch:

Oh, wait...it's me...'scuse me.... :drink:

orcprincess
12-23-2011, 01:33 AM
Haha!! The Capricorn one made my day!!! Let me head back to my God of War and I'll let you know how the rest pans out! :)

BookstoreEscapee
12-23-2011, 03:03 AM
Well, you certainly got me on the attention span part...:rolleyes: (Libra)


/wanders off.....

Jester
12-23-2011, 03:52 AM
As a Gemini, I can tell you that you are absolutely right. No you're not. Yes you are. No you're not. Yes you are. No you're not. Yes you are. No you're not. Yes you are. No you're not. Yes you are. No you're not. Yes you are. No. You're. Not. Yes. You. Are. No! You're! Not! Yes! You! Are! NO! YOU'RE! NOT! YES! YOU! ARE!

BeenThereDoneThat
12-23-2011, 04:22 AM
I'm an Aries...and quit following me around!! :lol:

Kara
12-23-2011, 04:28 AM
Well the cancer one wasn't exactly spot-on (I rarely drink beer) but it made me giggle. I did like the tip though, and I generally do paint my nails "happy" colors :)

Cazzi
12-23-2011, 12:39 PM
Stay inside this Friday, as the weather has it in for you and no matter where you go, it will always rain on you and since you left your only umbrella on a bus last Saturday, you cannot escape a soaking.

Boy did I!!
my clothes & coat are all in the dryer & shopping is laid out around the kitchen drying out so I can put it away!
I've got to go out again later and I forgot to pick up chocolate coins while I was shopping :cry:

Lace Neil Singer
12-23-2011, 12:49 PM
Well the cancer one wasn't exactly spot-on (I rarely drink beer) but it made me giggle. I did like the tip though, and I generally do paint my nails "happy" colors :)

Lol, so do I. XD I'm Cancer and as you can see, I didn't go easy on that star sign just cuz it's mine. :p

Greenday
12-23-2011, 12:58 PM
Hah! The jokes on you. It has rained here in well over a month! Wait...that sucks.

Eisa
12-23-2011, 01:03 PM
I'm a Taurus. And after reading that, I am never going to sleep again. :p :lol: