View Full Version : Not sure how to put this.

01-10-2012, 05:06 AM
I've been trying so hard and I...I'm having a hard time coping. I'm suicidal, and I don't know wtf to do.

My mom promised to talk to my cousin about me living with her. Has she done this? No. She hasn't told my stepfather about me potentially moving in with him and my mom either.

I get the feeling that she's just ignoring this whole thing and hoping it'll go away. She's done this before in other ways; I'm fucking stupid for having forgotten that she won't notice anything that's not dressed in bright green and doing the hula in front of her. My stepfather can't stand that she dares to have other people in her life that mean something to her. He's interrupted conversations; he even took her phone and hung up on a mutual friend simply because he'd decided that my mom had talked to her enough.

So, yeah, I'm an idiot for thinking that my mother would come through for me. If she doesn't talk to my stepfather, I certainly can't, as he thinks I have all the intelligence of a fucking doorknob and not even half the worth.

Can't talk to my cousin, as I know damn well that if I ask, the answer will be no, but if my mom asks, she says yes. She likes my mom enough that she'll put up with my supposed asshole self. (It's a long story. It boils down to her fucking changing her mind every 5 seconds and being pissed that I can't psychically figure out what she damn well wants. Also I ruin everyone. Yeah, she's a FUN one.)

So, since I've waited on my mother, mistakenly thinking that she was actually going to DO something, it is now Monday, 9 January....and I'm moving on Saturday, 14 January.

Fucking awesome. Also my local church people (most of them) appear to think that I just want to be lazy and sit on my ass doing nothing all fucking day. Yeah. Okay. Sure. That's why I started a business so I can make money even though I'm chronically sick. Because I secretly just want to be a mooching fucker. That's why I spend several hours a day doing this shit.

I've got piles of people telling me that I just need to do it myself. I've got people acting as if I should just fuck off. I tell people that my stepfather is a verbally abusive person....and they tell me to just ignore it.

I can fuck off. I can make sure none of these IRL fuckers ever has to deal with my whiny crybaby ass EVER again. Then they can come to my funeral and bitch about how they "never knew".

ASSHOLES. I fucking damn well told your asshole selves. You were just pissed that I wasn't entertaining your dumb ass.

I KNOW suicide isn't right, but I tell IRL folks that things are wrong, and they just brush it off like I'm complaining about a splinter or something!

I have to be out of this house by Saturday. I need to find some options, because it looks like my mother isn't going to do anything. I don't have enough money for an extended stay motel. I'm looking at a business loan that would hopefully help me pay for rent, but that will take 3-6 weeks to make happen.

I'm about to give up, guys. Help me.

01-10-2012, 05:37 AM
I can't help you beyond letting you know that I'm here, I do care and I deeply wish that I could help. *Hugs* Please don't go.

01-10-2012, 05:47 AM
*hugs* Not doing anything tonight, at least.

01-10-2012, 05:50 AM
Thank you! :) So what, if anything, can you do to distract yourself for a while?

01-10-2012, 06:21 AM
I need to sleep soon. I've got a few things to do first, then I'm going to bed. I've got an orientation for a business loan tomorrow at 9:30am, so sleeping soon would be good.

01-10-2012, 08:28 AM
Rapscallion's 'Depression' sticky thread at the top of the page contains links to various organisations that can help with the emotional side of this.

It seems that the greatest part of your depression is circumstantial, however, and that correcting your intolerable circumstances would provide you an environment where you could feel better emotionally.

Am I correct?

So what you need is practical help.

Try talking privately (PRIVATELY!) to your pastor/minister/priest. If he/she is like those I have known, he/she will listen to you with an open mind. I understand that getting to a private appointment may be a problem for you: if you explain that, he/she may well arrange for someone to pick you up and take you home.

Try talking to the Salvation Army, Lifeline, etc.

Try looking outside your denomination, or even outside your religion. There are both secular help groups, and religious help groups of various religions that simply seek to help *anyone*.
Just as an example, the Hare Krishnas in Australia provide vegetarian meals free for anyone who walks in.

Try talking to the help groups and patient support groups for your particular illness, as well. Someone may have ideas, or real help.

And talk to your nurses and social workers.

01-10-2012, 12:06 PM
Rapscallion's 'Depression' sticky thread at the top of the page contains links to various organisations that can help with the emotional side of this.

Quoted for truth. Here is a link to thread:


The fact that you posted here instead of acting is a good start in the right direction. Please contact one of the organizations listed.

01-10-2012, 02:41 PM
And do keep in touch with us. And do feel free to keep posting! :)

01-10-2012, 02:56 PM
*hugs* You still need to tell me what colors you like for your quilt.

And if you lived near me I'd let you couch surf at my place.

01-10-2012, 08:17 PM
If you are anywhere near Kansas, pm me, I'll see what I can do about finding you something.

01-11-2012, 11:40 PM
I'm in Utah. I...don't know if that's close enough.

01-12-2012, 05:49 AM
Hang in there.
I can offer advice, but it's LDS-heavy.

01-12-2012, 01:08 PM
I'm in Idaho. I could...try to find things? :hug:

Also, don't listen to people who tell you to just ignore verbal/emotional abuse. I've been told that a lot about my aunt. It might work if someone's just being a twat and you can avoid them, but abuse really tears you down. And it's not easy in the slightest to just ignore. :( :hug:

01-12-2012, 02:40 PM
If you ever find yourself in Texas, there's a couch here you can sleep on. I think there are some LDS churches nearby too so you could continue to worship if you wish.

We wouldn't charge any rent just ask that you pitch on on the utilities and food once you found work.

01-12-2012, 07:51 PM
If your ever on the east coast near Baltimore I'll have or find a place for you to stay. :hug: This really sucks but I believe you can do it.

01-13-2012, 08:32 AM
Dial 211 now. Most areas have a 211 line--it is an emergency line for information about shelters, food pantries, and other assistance in your area, and it is toll free. Hopefully, they have something that can help. Also, you might try taking out a title equity loan on your car if you have one that you own free and clear--this is helping me pay my rent right now until my first grants for school come in.

01-13-2012, 10:01 PM
So. I've got $200 to play for a $259 per week hotel room.

I need about 6 weeks before money from my mom will be here to help me.

I don't even know wtf...how the hell is this going to work?

01-13-2012, 10:36 PM
I'm here for you.

01-14-2012, 06:21 AM
Take that $200 and use it to get to one of the offered couch spaces. Ideally one where the job market for someone of your skills is actually viable.

Start over, there.

01-14-2012, 09:43 AM
Do you have a car with a free and clear title? Another option is a title loan or a title equity loan. Title loans are fast and dirty and have to be paid off within six months, usually at insane interest rates, but they can get you emergency cash. A title equity loan is like a mortgage on your car; I just took one out myself to pay living expenses while I try to get into school and get loans. They can have much longer terms and payments can be reasonable, about the same as car payments on a modest car, and would give you cash for rent. More importantly, they can be approved and have the money to you in as quick as a couple days. www.helpingloans.com is where I got my loan--if you own a car free and clear, check there.

01-14-2012, 12:02 PM
Trouble is, I don't own a car. I don't know what else I could use. A couple possessions spring to mind, but I...I don't know.

I'm working on a business loan that will help me pay for my needs also, but that'll take something like a month to make happen. But that one will have better interest rates, I'm sure of it.

01-14-2012, 11:42 PM
Phoenix, I'm so sorry. I just saw all of this. I have nothing more to offer than *hugs* and prayers. I understand being suicidal. That's my default mode these days. I also see a bunch of people gathering around you, albeit virtually, who care and who want to help you in very real ways. Please consider me among the ones who care and want to see you stay with us.