Thinking hard today.

[Amina516]

Unfortunately, that which I can not tolerate happened again at work last night. Every time I close my eyes, I see the little faces of the kids we couldn't save and I wonder how long my sanity can cope with this.

I want to help people, i really do. I do love my job. But I hate seeing sick and dying children. There's a reason why I did so shitty on my peds rotation in school.

It took ample amounts of ice cream, Golden Girls and Benadryl to be able to fall into a dreamless sleep this am. I'm afraid of what this will do to my coping skills. I afraid ill either will become horribly jaded (beyond what I already am) or will fall into some self destructive cycle of trying to numb the pain.

I see why so many nurses have addiction issues.

Just needed to voice my thoughts. Thanks for tuning in.

[csquared]

And I have to wonder how you are able to deal with ANY of it. You are way ahead of me.

We need people like you and nurses are an under appreciated lot. Anytime you need to post a vent, I'll be reading it.

And another for good measure.

[Caffienated_Caramel]

I gotta give props to you and all nurses. How long have you been a nurse?

[kpzra]

20 dead kids in ~30 days is what broke me. I was a Paramedic student and got sent to the company therapist to be cleared to keep doing clinicals once they realized that every ride had at least one dead child. It's hard when your mom tells you about going to the morgue to x-ray a child and seeing the IO still in place, along with the ET tube, not knowing that I was the one who put them there. She needed to talk about it and I never did tell her my part. I smoked more and took my frustrations out by running more and more, some days 20 miles.

You learn to deal with it eventually, but it is hard. I still try not to think about it too much and it's been over 10 years. Running made me able to clear my mind and since I was in the woods I could rant and rave out loud but no one was there to look at me weird. Having that constructive outlet is what helped me.

[42_42_42]

Hugs, Amina.

That is why I am not looking forward to my peds rotation. Fortunately, it's still a ways off for me. I love kids a LOT and get a long with them really well, so I'd probably be really good in a pediatrician's office, but there's no way I could work at the children's hospital or in the NICU.

[42_42_42]

PS - I'm just now starting my nursing schooling, so I know I don't know what it's like yet, but if you need someone to vent to, I'm here for you. Just PM me your digits!

[bhskittykatt]

This is why nurses get all my respect. I don't think I could ever do what you do.

[lordlundar]

I say this as a friend who is very concerned for you.

Please, please, PLEASE talk to a psychiatrist. Trying to keep it to yourself is not doing you or your patients any good.

[Sunshine]

Ohh amina...super cyber hugs...and i second the talking to someone...you need that venting release.

[Pixilated]

Many, many

[protege]

My mother was a nurse for 30 years. She always said that the children were the hardest. Also hard, were the innocents--like the family of Jock Yablonski. He and his family were murdered in 1969. At the time, Yablonski was trying to clean up the rampant corruption in the union. Mom was finishing up nursing school when the bodies were brought in. His wife and daughter had nothing to do with the things that got them killed. Even now, 44 years on, I'm sure it did affect my mother seeing the bullet holes. Of all the things she's seen over the years, she never talked about her job much. In fact, she might not have even told me about those murders, had I not mentioned that a college friend and I had driven by the Yablonski house one night...

Back on topic, don't keep this crap bottled up. Left too long, it will consume you.

[Eireann]

I agree with those who urge you to talk about it. Does your job cover therapy? It certainly should, given the things you see.

I don't know if this will help at all - just the suggestion of someone who has never been involved in nursing in any way, so take it for what it's worth - maybe you can send love to each and every child you work with, whatever the reason for the child's hospitalization, and if they don't make it, you will know that the child left this earth surrounded by love.

[Amina516]

Thank you all for your concern. I genuinely do appreciate it. Venting here is a way for my release, but i do agree with you and think maybe I should go talk to someone. We have a chaplaincy service thats free but we also get 3 free sessions with a therapist with our insurance. I think Ill look into it. Ill share the story of what happened tomorrow. Its a lot to type and its heartbreaking.



ETA: i just typed it out. 2.5 pages on Microsoft Word. Still, Ill post it tomorrow. Im tired of thinking for now.

[Amina516]

I gotta give props to you and all nurses. How long have you been a nurse?

I have been a nurse for 4 years. 2 as an ER nurse. I was a surgical technologist for 7 years. I am used to emergency situations and children, but in my former position it was easier to remain detached. Here in the ER, Im up front and personal with the situations. Its not that I dont feel I can handle it. I just feel that its alot.

[Eevie]

Amina, take a moment to think about all the people you've helped, and without your expertise and patience, I doubt many of those people would still be around. I will join in and say simple words cannot express my respect for nurses.

I know it's hard, but I'm sure everyone on CS here would be more than happy to hear you vent. You of all people definitely deserve it.