The ER? Yeah, not the place to pick up girls, you sleaze.

[Marlowe]

This is a mix of Sightings and Sickbay, but since it happened at the ER I decided to submit it here.

So, early Saturday morning, I wound up in the ER after accidentally stabbing myself in the arm doing an art project. It's a long story, but the short version is a huge hunk of skin/tissue was hanging off and veins were RIGHT FREAKING THERE. Also, blood everywhere. I hate hospitals but this was a biggie and even I knew it, so I wrapped my arm in a thick towel and duct tape (fixes everything ) and away we went.

The ER was almost empty when I got there, just us and one other guy (sunny weekend morning = everyone has something better to do than bug ER staff with chest pains they've had for six months.) By this point I am clearly in shock, but I have barely signed in at the desk when the guy (henceforth known as Creepy Dude, or CD) makes his move.

CD: Hey baby.
Me: (Oh great, a drunk) Hello. Go away now.
CD: Aw, come on, baby... *points at arm* how'd ya do that?
Me: Fuck off.
CD: *leans in* I bet it was a sex thing, huh?
Me:

Seriously, what the fuck kind of sex game involves your arm in such a way it ends up with clearly a serious stab wound of some kind?????

CD: *nods at my female housemate* You two getting a little girl-on-girl going on? *sleazy grin*
Me: Fuck off. Now.
CD: Oh baby, I'll show you things you never seen...

Like what? A raging case of the Herp? A penis smaller than a cocktail sausage?

Me: *gritted teeth, voice cold as ice* Don't make me hurt you.
CD: Oh baby, you like it rough? Sure, I can dig that...
Me: Fuck. OFF.

(Incidentally, had I not been in shock and covered in blood, I would have whaled on his ass already.)

CD: All the girls want me baby, it's why I'm here, I got a little...*wink, gesture downwards*problem... but they gave me meds baby, it's all better, I'm good to go.
Me:

Seriously, in what world is MAKING SMALL TALK ABOUT YOUR VENEREAL DISEASE considered a smooth move?!?!?!!?!?!

Me: I am warning you. I may be unable to move my arm, but that will not stop me from kicking your ass from here to London. I will make you cry like a little girl.
CD" Come on baby, I know you kidding me-
Me: Do you really want to take that chance?

Pause while CD thinks about it. He takes another step forward and reaches out his arm. Enough.

Me: OFFICER!!!

(Another thing you should know about my local ER is that there are usually several fully armed police officers here. And the police officers where I live are basically a sub-military force with elite training. Ever since they closed the ER at the other city centre hospital, which happened to be the main one catering to >huge virulently Protestant area< they've had to come to my local ER in >huge virulently Catholic area<. As you can imagine, the brawls in that ER are truly epic, especially when you mix all the drunks at the weekend.)

Officer: Yes, miss?
Me: This man called me >horrific religious slur, the equivalent of the "n" word for my group< and then threatened me! (magic password to instant detention)
CD: Fuck, baby...
Officer: Sir, you're coming with us! *pulls out cuffs*
CD: NO! NO! *starts running around waiting area waving hands in the air* NONONO!

Sadly at this moment they called me through, so I missed what happened next. However, as the ER doors closed, I did hear, no kidding "NAH DON'T TAZE ME BRO ARRRRHGHGHGHG!!!"


Incidentally, I now have a whole lot of stitches, a lot of painkillers, and the possibility I may have reduced movement in my left hand (time will tell, because right now the cut is deep enough it's caused damage/irritation which is probably pressing on the nerves/tendons.) I am GRUMP MARLOWE.

However... I'd be lying if the memory of that doesn't crack me up a little

[Jay 2K Winger]

And thus nothing of value was lost when said creep was dragged off to the Graybar Hotel.

[taxguykarl]

CD: All the girls want me baby, it's why I'm here, I got a little...*wink, gesture downwards*problem... but they gave me meds baby, it's all better, I'm good to go.
Me:

Seriously, in what world is MAKING SMALL TALK ABOUT YOUR VENEREAL DISEASE considered a smooth move?!?!?!!?!?!

Daytime talk shows....some of the guests on those would have taken him up, unfortunately for our species.

I love how you got the cops to drag him off.

[Food Lady]

How in the world did you type this story???? The story aside, I am just horrified for you!

[Marlowe]

How in the world did you type this story???? The story aside, I am just horrified for you!

One-handed, while giggling at the memory



And yeah, it sucks. At least I'm ambidextrous, though, and I'm not a concert pianist or a violinist that requires super-dexterity... and I'll just keep telling myself this until I feel better.

Stupid arm.

[mathnerd]

Wow. I have no words. I do hope your arm heals soon!

[sms001]

Great story. A little silver lining for your mishap.

Above and beyond what they recommend at the hospital, do a little research and start in on physical and mobility training exercises for your arm asap. It will really help.

[BeeMused]

Mwaaahaaahaaaaa! You're evil! I like that in a person! For once the stupid "troubles" served a good purpose. And a good story to tell as well!

Yeah try to get physiotherapy, it can make a huges difference. It's amazing how fast joints and muscles lose mobility.

[Seshat]

Also, you know the little sensation and movement games we play with infants and toddlers? Everything from 'Eye spy' to 'Round and round the garden' and 'itsy bitsy spider'?

Those should help your body and brain rewire around any damage. Do them, have your friends do them. Yes, it might feel a little silly: but better some fun silliness than loss of mobility and sensation.

*IANADoctor. I don't play one on television, and I - sadly - have never even met any of the Dr Who cast and crew.

[jennie]

)

I *LOVE* the story! And youare so lucky to live in area where the police are that active...
And, of course, all the best with your arm; I hope it stops hurting soon

[raudf]

I'm sure his new roomie will be more than willing to *ahem* show him the "loving" he thinks he deserves.

And a big YEOWCH from me on the arm! I hope it gets to feeling better soon!

[Marlowe]

I *LOVE* the story! And youare so lucky to live in area where the police are that active...

They're sexy as hell too, very fit and muscular with slim-fitting dark green uniforms, bullet vests and combat boots... yum.

Plus, watching a group of them jumping out the back of one of their APVs is hilarious, in that there are usually about 12 of them in riot gear crammed in the back of a reasonably compact jeep that also happens to have foot-thick armoured plating. It's like a gritty, hardass version of a clown car.

[tSubh Dearg]

The Gardai just don't have the same sexiness quotient as the PSNI. Though whoever picks the motorbike police has a good eye for a bum in leather! While they are also likely to be hanging around ERs in Dublin, I could only hope they would be that helpful in a similar situation.

[Marlowe]

The Gardai just don't have the same sexiness quotient as the PSNI.

It's sad but true. I've only encountered the Guards at various checkpoints, protests, and pubs, but... they seem to lack the toned, stoic air you get from the PSNI.

Plus the weapon belt. I loves me some weapon belt.

[Sapphire Silk]

You just rock, girl.

I couldn't have done better myself.

Take care of the arm.