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I swear...I can't wait until the school year starts back up, and all these fucking idiot teenagers have to go back to class. That day can't come soon enough, since the basic definition of any teenager in a hotel seems to be "old enough to know better, but dumb enough to do it anyway." If only half the "parents" I have right now didn't also fall into the same category. Let's start this sordid tale then, shall we?
If you develop mutations, be assured that none of them will be useful (or pleasant)
The pool at our hotel closes at 10pm every night, and opens in the morning. When we close the pool, we put a cover over the hot tub, turn out all the lights, and so on. This is all so it is obvious to anyone passing by that it's not accessible. Now, the door to get in there from inside the hotel locks at 10 so only employee keycards will work on it...but some people have figured out that they can walk outside and pop the latch on the emergency exit without setting off the alarm, which lets them in.
There are several problems with this: One, even if they do trigger the alarms, I'm alone here at night, so if I'm not right at the desk, it'll take a while to hear it. This means that, because I was doing a lot of crap (we're kinda busy), I didn't notice the group of 5 that snuck into the pool (setting off the alarm) for a while.
Problem two, when we closed the pool, we shocked both it and the hot tub, since we have hundreds of kids in-house, and hundreds of idiots too. Yesterday, we found a ton of chicken bones from wings, and pizza bits in the hot tub. Today, it was just the sheer mass of people making it nasty. End result? The water is filled with enough chemicals to choke a moose right now.
I finally hear the alarm going, and walk by the window...to see one of them walking back outside (it's an indoor/outdoor pool). The cover on the hot tub has been pulled back enough for a couple people to get in, so they are clearly doubling down on the dumb fuckery, and I know they're gonna lie. So I go in after them.
Me: Hi, what the heck are you doing in the obviously closed pool area?
SC1: We're not really in the inside, so we thought it was OK.
Me: Don't start, I saw you going back outside, and the cover's off the hot tub, so don't even try to act the fool. Here's what you need to do...
SC2: It's ok, we're all adults, we can just leave.
Me: No, you don't get it. You need to go back to your rooms, you need to get in the shower NOW. Any part of you that's been in the water, you need to soap off 3-4 times immediately. If you've had your head under water, you need to hold your head under the shower spray and look at it for 10-15 minutes.
SC1-5:
Me: Did the cover on the hot tub not clue you in? The lights being out? The DOOR LOCKED? Do you have any idea how many chemicals you're swimming in? GET. OUT.
Now, reality time: the chemicals had barely started going (there's a wind-up process first). They were safe, there were no fumes, but scaring the shit out of them got them moving pretty fast. No arguments, and they came down and thanked me for rescuing them from being hurt by chemicals.
I'm a bad bad man. But they stayed out of the pool.
I see manners aren't taught any more
I'm checking in one of our late-night arrivals, and all is going well. In fact, it's a normal, SC-less experience...until someone else walks up. I'm quite literally mid-sentence when this 10-11 year old kid walks up to the desk, stands next to the guy checking in, and interrupts:
RC(Rude Child): Hey bro I wanted-
Me: I'm not your "bro", and you need to wait for your turn in line. *glare*
RC: *Steps back*
I can't even remember for sure what he wanted...I just remember it was something insignificant and stupid. Unfortunately, our encounters didn't end there...
Not just manners, but comprehension as well!
RC: *walks up to our convenience store area (next to the desk), plops $1.35 down, and grabs an ice cream sandwich* What can I get with this?
Me: o.O Only thing that costs that little are the granola bars. Those ice cream sandwiches are (cost, way more than $1.35) with tax.
RC: I want this. *indicates the sandwich*
Me: You need about $3 more then to get that.
RC: Oh...I can't just give you what I have?
Me: No, you don't have enough.
RC: Oh...what about the (other ice cream)?
Me: You need another dollar for that.
RC: What about the chips.
Me: You'd need another dollar for THAT too. Again, the ONLY thing you can afford with this is the granola bar.
At this point, his sister walks up, and starts asking prices too for her brother. Repeat this ad nauseum for several minutes.
RCSister: Can we charge things to our room?
Me: Normally yes, but your parents are paying cash. Unless we have a credit card to charge to, we can't put it to the room.
RCS: Can we get these now, and owe you change later?
Me: Nope! (delivered in Archer format. Nnnnnnnnnnnoooope!)
RCS: Oh...so the only thing he can get is the granola bar?
Me: Price hasn't changed in the last five minutes.
RC: Ok, I get that. *starts ripping the cash back out of his pocket, nearly tearing the $1 in half as he does so. I take it anyway just to get rid of them*
Me: (after they leave) What the fuck is wrong with people's kids??
Of course, the universe decided to answer my question.
Ah. That explains it.
RC's Mother comes down to buy things from our snack shop! JOY! She's at least polite, but has a combination of several unpleasant visual things that ruin my year. She looks like a train wreck to begin with, but she also has no teeth, breath you can smell at 30 paces, and she is clearly part of the reason her kids are so unbearable. Why? First off, she has another one of her children in tow. Said child is, at least, 5 years of age. Said child is wearing nothing but a diaper...and while I know some kids may have some development issues, 5 is a bit old for a diaper. RCM confirms that this is probably all the parental issue moments later, however, when she says the absolute dumbest thing I've heard from a parent in a while:
SCM: He woke up crying for a candy bar.
Oh seriously, fuck you. No wonder your other two children are being such unmitigated bastards all night. I have a very real problem with any parent who is fine with pumping out a unit, but troubled by the aspect of actually parenting the fucking thing. You have the responsibility to actually make sure the tiny version of you that you've forced upon the rest of society does not turn into someone that we would gladly throw off a bridge, and you are failing miserably at this task. If I had woken up at that age and started screaming for a candy bar, my parents would've given me a hell of a spanking, and I would've learned not to pull that bullshit again.
This parent immediately gives in and gets her precious snowflake a candy bar, and I'm sure he's going to be a perfect little brat when he grows up too.
And I have to sell it to him. That's the damnedest thing. I can't step in as Common Sense Man, and prevent this travesty from occurring. Nor can I use the power of my Hatred Beam to sterilize these people, to prevent the next generation from suffering as I have. Life is so unfair...
Hint? What's a hint?
Our restaurant area closed hours ago. Technically, I'm not supposed to throw people out of there...but I sure as hell can hint that it's time to go. I turned off the lights over there two hours ago. A few people took the hint and fucked right off, but about 15 of them are still there...!? What the shit? You people are honestly still having a conversation in a pitch black room?
The kicker was one when of them went out into the parking lot, turned on their headlights (to light up their tables), then bitched to me when they went to start their car and the battery was dead. They were offended when they learned that our battery jump pack was locked in the engineering office, and they wouldn't be in until morning. I also may have implied that turning on their headlights to light up the clearly and obviously closed dining room may not have been the best way to maintain battery life.
Of course, this is all my fault.
For BroSCFischer
You got me thinking of song parodies, I wrote this one in my head for our guests tonight: (to the tune of Stephen Lynch's "Superhero")
If you could be a super hero, you would be Dumb Fuck Man,
Telling the world of the evils of thought, according to your Dumb Fuck Plan.
Like keeping your common sense out of the loop,
Or going to the bathroom to play with your poop,
To the morons of the land, you would be their Duke...
'cause you would be Dumb Fuck Man...
Needs some work, I think, but it made me feel better. Or it would, if I wasn't crying so hard inside.
Huh, after all this time...
I can't even explain this one, so I'll just relate the dialogue to you:
Me: Did you just take a huge dump while singing opera?
SC: Oh...uh, I...you could hear that?
Me: Me and about 10 other people, Pavarotti.
Even after all these years, I'm still running into new fucking weirdos. That one was just special though...
And exuent left.
If you develop mutations, be assured that none of them will be useful (or pleasant)
The pool at our hotel closes at 10pm every night, and opens in the morning. When we close the pool, we put a cover over the hot tub, turn out all the lights, and so on. This is all so it is obvious to anyone passing by that it's not accessible. Now, the door to get in there from inside the hotel locks at 10 so only employee keycards will work on it...but some people have figured out that they can walk outside and pop the latch on the emergency exit without setting off the alarm, which lets them in.
There are several problems with this: One, even if they do trigger the alarms, I'm alone here at night, so if I'm not right at the desk, it'll take a while to hear it. This means that, because I was doing a lot of crap (we're kinda busy), I didn't notice the group of 5 that snuck into the pool (setting off the alarm) for a while.
Problem two, when we closed the pool, we shocked both it and the hot tub, since we have hundreds of kids in-house, and hundreds of idiots too. Yesterday, we found a ton of chicken bones from wings, and pizza bits in the hot tub. Today, it was just the sheer mass of people making it nasty. End result? The water is filled with enough chemicals to choke a moose right now.
I finally hear the alarm going, and walk by the window...to see one of them walking back outside (it's an indoor/outdoor pool). The cover on the hot tub has been pulled back enough for a couple people to get in, so they are clearly doubling down on the dumb fuckery, and I know they're gonna lie. So I go in after them.
Me: Hi, what the heck are you doing in the obviously closed pool area?
SC1: We're not really in the inside, so we thought it was OK.
Me: Don't start, I saw you going back outside, and the cover's off the hot tub, so don't even try to act the fool. Here's what you need to do...
SC2: It's ok, we're all adults, we can just leave.
Me: No, you don't get it. You need to go back to your rooms, you need to get in the shower NOW. Any part of you that's been in the water, you need to soap off 3-4 times immediately. If you've had your head under water, you need to hold your head under the shower spray and look at it for 10-15 minutes.
SC1-5:
Me: Did the cover on the hot tub not clue you in? The lights being out? The DOOR LOCKED? Do you have any idea how many chemicals you're swimming in? GET. OUT.
Now, reality time: the chemicals had barely started going (there's a wind-up process first). They were safe, there were no fumes, but scaring the shit out of them got them moving pretty fast. No arguments, and they came down and thanked me for rescuing them from being hurt by chemicals.
I'm a bad bad man. But they stayed out of the pool.
I see manners aren't taught any more
I'm checking in one of our late-night arrivals, and all is going well. In fact, it's a normal, SC-less experience...until someone else walks up. I'm quite literally mid-sentence when this 10-11 year old kid walks up to the desk, stands next to the guy checking in, and interrupts:
RC(Rude Child): Hey bro I wanted-
Me: I'm not your "bro", and you need to wait for your turn in line. *glare*
RC: *Steps back*
I can't even remember for sure what he wanted...I just remember it was something insignificant and stupid. Unfortunately, our encounters didn't end there...
Not just manners, but comprehension as well!
RC: *walks up to our convenience store area (next to the desk), plops $1.35 down, and grabs an ice cream sandwich* What can I get with this?
Me: o.O Only thing that costs that little are the granola bars. Those ice cream sandwiches are (cost, way more than $1.35) with tax.
RC: I want this. *indicates the sandwich*
Me: You need about $3 more then to get that.
RC: Oh...I can't just give you what I have?
Me: No, you don't have enough.
RC: Oh...what about the (other ice cream)?
Me: You need another dollar for that.
RC: What about the chips.
Me: You'd need another dollar for THAT too. Again, the ONLY thing you can afford with this is the granola bar.
At this point, his sister walks up, and starts asking prices too for her brother. Repeat this ad nauseum for several minutes.
RCSister: Can we charge things to our room?
Me: Normally yes, but your parents are paying cash. Unless we have a credit card to charge to, we can't put it to the room.
RCS: Can we get these now, and owe you change later?
Me: Nope! (delivered in Archer format. Nnnnnnnnnnnoooope!)
RCS: Oh...so the only thing he can get is the granola bar?
Me: Price hasn't changed in the last five minutes.
RC: Ok, I get that. *starts ripping the cash back out of his pocket, nearly tearing the $1 in half as he does so. I take it anyway just to get rid of them*
Me: (after they leave) What the fuck is wrong with people's kids??
Of course, the universe decided to answer my question.
Ah. That explains it.
RC's Mother comes down to buy things from our snack shop! JOY! She's at least polite, but has a combination of several unpleasant visual things that ruin my year. She looks like a train wreck to begin with, but she also has no teeth, breath you can smell at 30 paces, and she is clearly part of the reason her kids are so unbearable. Why? First off, she has another one of her children in tow. Said child is, at least, 5 years of age. Said child is wearing nothing but a diaper...and while I know some kids may have some development issues, 5 is a bit old for a diaper. RCM confirms that this is probably all the parental issue moments later, however, when she says the absolute dumbest thing I've heard from a parent in a while:
SCM: He woke up crying for a candy bar.
Oh seriously, fuck you. No wonder your other two children are being such unmitigated bastards all night. I have a very real problem with any parent who is fine with pumping out a unit, but troubled by the aspect of actually parenting the fucking thing. You have the responsibility to actually make sure the tiny version of you that you've forced upon the rest of society does not turn into someone that we would gladly throw off a bridge, and you are failing miserably at this task. If I had woken up at that age and started screaming for a candy bar, my parents would've given me a hell of a spanking, and I would've learned not to pull that bullshit again.
This parent immediately gives in and gets her precious snowflake a candy bar, and I'm sure he's going to be a perfect little brat when he grows up too.
And I have to sell it to him. That's the damnedest thing. I can't step in as Common Sense Man, and prevent this travesty from occurring. Nor can I use the power of my Hatred Beam to sterilize these people, to prevent the next generation from suffering as I have. Life is so unfair...
Hint? What's a hint?
Our restaurant area closed hours ago. Technically, I'm not supposed to throw people out of there...but I sure as hell can hint that it's time to go. I turned off the lights over there two hours ago. A few people took the hint and fucked right off, but about 15 of them are still there...!? What the shit? You people are honestly still having a conversation in a pitch black room?
The kicker was one when of them went out into the parking lot, turned on their headlights (to light up their tables), then bitched to me when they went to start their car and the battery was dead. They were offended when they learned that our battery jump pack was locked in the engineering office, and they wouldn't be in until morning. I also may have implied that turning on their headlights to light up the clearly and obviously closed dining room may not have been the best way to maintain battery life.
Of course, this is all my fault.
For BroSCFischer
You got me thinking of song parodies, I wrote this one in my head for our guests tonight: (to the tune of Stephen Lynch's "Superhero")
If you could be a super hero, you would be Dumb Fuck Man,
Telling the world of the evils of thought, according to your Dumb Fuck Plan.
Like keeping your common sense out of the loop,
Or going to the bathroom to play with your poop,
To the morons of the land, you would be their Duke...
'cause you would be Dumb Fuck Man...
Needs some work, I think, but it made me feel better. Or it would, if I wasn't crying so hard inside.
Huh, after all this time...
I can't even explain this one, so I'll just relate the dialogue to you:
Me: Did you just take a huge dump while singing opera?
SC: Oh...uh, I...you could hear that?
Me: Me and about 10 other people, Pavarotti.
Even after all these years, I'm still running into new fucking weirdos. That one was just special though...
And exuent left.
And The Stupid is strong with these people!
It's even funnier since I've had that song in my head off and on for the last month or so. 
He is my Black Dragon (and yes, a good one) strong, protective, the guardian. I am his Silver Dragon, always by his side, shining for him, cherishing him.
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