Neighborhood Watch

[An Haddock]

This is something that happened in my Godfather's neighborhood about 15 years ago. I used to hang out at his house all the time and this was the tale he told me.


My godfather had moved into his house in the winter. It seemed he had a neighbor who lived about a block away... older, retired guy, probably in his 70's.

The guy had WAY too much time on his hands.

When spring rolled around he would regularly go around the neighborhood and complain at people whose grass was too high, had cracks in their concrete, or anything else that he viewed as a violation of local statutes.

He crossed my godfather's path when he tried to complain about his forge in the back yard. (my godfather did some blacksmithing in his free time) Fortunately my godfather is a bright cookie and did his research into town laws before building the forge. Everything he did was by the book and the old guy seemed super pissed when this was pointed out.

So at some point during that summer, the old guy lost it. He put together his own UNIFORM and started patrolling the neighborhood. A friend of my godfather's who is a cop in the town later told him the old guy had called them over 100 times reporting statute violations. The cops finally had enough of it. They told the guy if he called one more time for anything other than a felony being committed, they were hauling him off to jail. He was also told to stop wearing the uniform.

No word on what happened to the old guy, but he was probably pretty pissed off.

My godfather joked about calling the cops on the guy for the grass in his lawn being too long but he didn't do it.

[Crossbow]

My godfather joked about calling the cops on the guy for the grass in his lawn being too long but he didn't do it.

I absolutely would have. There's an old guy in my neighborhood that does the same thing, but he drives around in his gigantic old land barge Cadillac, calling the city for every little thing he sees, including if your garbage is out before the appropriate time. After deciding that our lawn wasn't up to HIS (not the city's, mind you) specifications, I called the police about his rather noisy muffler....

He still does his daily rounds, but he's not quite the dick he used to be...

[MoonCat]

That's my next door neighbor to a T! If someone's grass isn't cut to HER liking, she blows them in to the city. She, of course, is retired, so she can spend all day picking lint out of the grass, and she hires a service to cut her lawn.

Waiting until the next time I see a rat in her yard (they are around, unfortunately) and I'm going to blow HER in.

[Spork4pedro]

We have a similar neighbor across the street who is a little too bored since retirement. He isn't a jerk nor does he go around calling the cops. He just has decided that our half of the street wasn't being kept up to his standards (and frankly, we have been a bit too busy for consistent yard work) so just decided to do it himself! He cuts, edges, and weeds all of our yards and pulls out and brings in the trash/recycle/green cans and gets a couple of the neighbors mail. It was a little creepy at first because it was so out the blue and we did have to draw the line when he came to do the back yard () but now we have all just let him be since he seems to really enjoy doing it and frankly it's kinda nice to not have to.

[Skarredmind]

Ugh! One of my neighbors does that to me and the jackass at the township office won't tell them no, even when the local statute doesn't support the problem (the law says the first of the month may-august the lawn needs cut, so one year I only cut on the 1st, until on the 15th I got a notice, when I called saying I'd fulfilled the law the jackass at the township office basically told me I could piss off.) . Its got to the point now that I *WON'T* cut my lawn until I get the notice from the township about it.

In another story, my grandfather had a tale like this as well and its become part of the family lore, if you will.

He needed to repaint his porch, and planned to paint it red. When he went to the tool shed to look, he had half a can of red paint, and half a can of white. He figured that the porch should get two coats anyway, so he mixed the two and painted the porch pink as an undercoat. The plan was that, come the following weekend, he'd pick up the red paint and finish the job with a second coat.

The neighbors didn't approve, during the week, a number of them got together and decided to send an emissary with the demands of the neighborhood that he *NOT* have a pink porch. When the emissary arrived demands in hand, he explained the situation, but let them know that since they decided to do all of this, and make demands, rather than just ask about it, he was KEEPING the porch pink. My Dad tells me that that damn porch was pink until the day they sold the house and moved out.

I think my grandfather's story is great! (Quite honestly, the man was, and is a hero of mine.) My wife on the other hand hears from her mother (my mother in law obviously) about how our lawn looks... and is less of a fan. (Of course... pissing off the MIL isn't a bad thing either in my head, the woman is positively horrid.)

[An Haddock]

The neighbors didn't approve, during the week, a number of them got together and decided to send an emissary with the demands of the neighborhood that he *NOT* have a pink porch. When the emissary arrived demands in hand, he explained the situation, but let them know that since they decided to do all of this, and make demands, rather than just ask about it, he was KEEPING the porch pink. My Dad tells me that that damn porch was pink until the day they sold the house and moved out.

I think my grandfather's story is great! (Quite honestly, the man was, and is a hero of mine.) My wife on the other hand hears from her mother (my mother in law obviously) about how our lawn looks... and is less of a fan. (Of course... pissing off the MIL isn't a bad thing either in my head, the woman is positively horrid.)

That reminds me of a house a couple of towns over.

It's a very old town - established in the late 1700's. There are numerous old Victorian and other archaic homes there. Beautiful, really. But they have very stringent rules for how you paint your home. There's certain colors you're only allowed to use.

Well, about 15 years ago some folks on one of the main streets decided to paint their house purple. It's actually a very nice-looking paint job and not hideous, which might be one's reaction to hearing that.

There used to be some old biddies in town who had nothing better to do than complain about people's homes. Holy god, you'd think someone built a housing project in the middle of the town they were so livid.

They immediately started writing nasty letters to the homeowners, complaining to city hall, etc. Then they found out that the purple house in question - wait for it - was just outside the "you have to paint it this way" zone.

Most of the old biddies have since gone the way of the dinosaur and the house is still purple. I delivered a pizza to them once... nice folks, and I told them how much I liked the house and how they stood up for themselves.

[sms001]

old Victorian ....paint their house purple.

I've seen quite a few painted ladies done in purple, with lavender as the contrast color, and even though it's not my fav shade, they usually look great. But biddies will be biddies.

[Jay 2K Winger]

Well, about 15 years ago some folks on one of the main streets decided to paint their house purple.

I remember a children's book I read when I was a kid that had something like that happen. The main character lived in suburbia where every house was identical. Same color, same design, everything, and it got to where he couldn't remember which house was his. So he tried adding various touches to his house to make it stand out... only to have the rest of the neighborhood decide they liked the way that looked, and follow suit. All the houses were the same again. This happened several times, until the main character decided to paint his house purple or some color like that.

When other people in the neighborhood questioned him about that, he finally exclaimed that he couldn't remember which house was his any other way... and the neighbors all admitted to similar problems. So they all painted their houses in various ways, and the conformity was finally broken.

I wish I could remember what the name of that book was.

EDIT: Found it! Mr. Pine's Purple House

[AccountingDrone]

I've seen quite a few painted ladies done in purple, with lavender as the contrast color, and even though it's not my fav shade, they usually look great. But biddies will be biddies.

And if you look at some of the old architectural renderings, some of the old Painted Ladies were godawful gaudy!

Honestly, some people feel old houses should universally be white, with black shutters and red doors...

[jennie]

Thank you, Jay 2K Winner! I now know what to get my youngest nephew for his birthday )

[Jay 2K Winger]

Thank you, Jay 2K Winner! I now know what to get my youngest nephew for his birthday )

It's Winger, actually, but that's an awesome typo.

#WINNER

[An Haddock]

I wish I could remember what the name of that book was.

EDIT: Found it! Mr. Pine's Purple House

I had that book, too! Good memories! *internet fist bump*

[Sapphire Silk]

I used to have to deal with neighbors like this. The ex and I called them the Town Mafia; they would hang out at the diner across the street from our house and gossip about everyone in town they didn't like . . . including us. They used to call the land lord on us if we got behind on mowing the lawn. Now we never let it really get that bad, but we didn't always mow every week or even every 2 weeks.

One day I get a call from the landlord saying if he got another call from the Mafia he was going to have to evict us. Suspicious, I said, "When did he call?"

Landlord: about 5 minutes ago. Why?

Me: because Husband finished mowing over a hour ago.

Landlord: Oh. Nevermind.

He never bugged us about the lawn again

[protege]

Sounds like the nuts that lived next door to my parents. They had their own "laws."

For example, you weren't allowed to park on the street in front of their house. If you did, you'd get a lovely note under your wiper demanding $3 for parking. If you did it again, you'd get a visit from the borough's finest. Of course, I'd park there just to torque them off. As long as I didn't damage their shrubs or block the driveway...there wasn't a damn thing they could do about it

Another thing, is that they were very paranoid about boundaries. Their entire house was surrounded by fences of some sort--an ugly wooden fence on one side and across the back, cheap chain link on the other side, and walls of shrubs and bushes around the front yard. Their entire property was protected by cameras, motion sensors, spotlights, and other security devices. As if that wasn't enough, the home was fitted with multiple locks on the front and back doors, security (keycard) doors *inside,* and an expensive alarm system.

But, what earned them legendary status, is how they used the cops, borough (and county) officials in attempts to push people around.

For example, they got the borough's code officer to draft up a certified letter (basically a notarized complaint letter) about the "unsightly" object in the yard next door. The object in question? A plastic kid's wading pool leaned up against their shed. Not long after, the new family across the street from us got another letter about the "unsightly" plastic flamingos in their garden. Neither item was "illegal" per the borough code.

Also legal, was working on cars in the driveway. During summer months, my dad and I would mess with various vehicles outside instead of the garage. We never left the driveway a mess, and everything was put back when done. Even the project car was pushed back inside when it got dark. Granted, a couple of the vehicles we had then looked like shit, but again, not against the law.

Didn't stop them from trying to get us into trouble. But, that backfired--the letter we got was a forgery. They'd tried to intimidate us...by piecing together an official-looking letter on doctored county stationery, complete with authentic signature. Nothing happened--my parents called the county official in question, and he couldn't have done a damn thing.

The most famous (infamous?) thing they did...was get their house egged *twice* in one night. Apparently, there was an incident with the kids across the street. The crazies got on them for being "too loud" at night. The kids were on their back porch. No way they could have been loud--I was home, and didn't hear them. After some unkind words from the husband...the kids egged crazies' house. Cops were called, the house got cleaned, and all was quiet. House got hit *again* as soon as the police left. This time, their cars were keyed and covered in shaving cream

It may have been those kids, but it could have easily been anyone. Those goofballs managed to piss off everyone in a 5-mile radius. In fact, once the crazies were gone...my parents threw a block party

[Skarredmind]

That reminds me of a house a couple of towns over.

It's a very old town - established in the late 1700's.

Is this the town with the "famous" diamonds to be found on the beach?

I think my wife bought her wedding dress in a little Victorian boutique there