Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

There's Plenty More Stupid Where This Came From

Collapse
This topic is closed.
X
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • There's Plenty More Stupid Where This Came From

    That's one football weekend down, too darn many more to go!

    The Adventure of the Frolicking Forgers

    New semester, new season, new group of adventurers in the land trying to level-up their fake pass-making skills! Too bad I roll higher initiative, all the time.

    Adventurer #1: The 31st of September strikes again. And when that day rolls around its good for me, but bad for you, very bad. As it means you owe us $115 for a tow when for much less than that you could’ve gotten a real permit from the rental office for that lot instead of trying your hand at forgery on an old one from July dug out of the trash. And considering how bad you botched it, you didn’t so much as “try your hand” at it but rather “waggled a bloody amputated stump” at it. I guess kids these days are utterly helpless to do anything requiring research and a little finesse, like checking facts, even when you can in theory do it from your phone in between rounds of Angry Birds. Oh well, you know the motto of this generation “If it doesn’t have a iPad app, it’s not important”.

    Adventurer #2: Now you on the other hand did a much better job of forging a permit, inasmuch as permits for this lot don’t have expiration dates and you couldn’t screw up that which wasn’t required. The rest of it was still a dogs-breakfast of an effort when the finished product rolled out of the printer. Had this been a cartoon, there would have been some of those visible green wavy-line “stink” thingamajigs coming off of it. Obviously you printed on regular paper, not cardstock, so it was too thin and wavy and scissor marks were visible once I got really really close. Too bad it was a busy night and I didn’t have time to stick around, or I would’ve left a note on your buddy’s Toyota Pickup with words to the effect of “Which one of you geniuses thought this up?”, since that’s where the original was hanging, matching serial numbers and all. And it’s not like they’re tiny little ones you might miss, they’re three inches high!

    Adventurer #3: And then there was this gentleman’s little craft project. Took an ordinary regular hangtag permit and cut the bottom part with the dates on it off (probably long expired) flipped it around and wrote new ones on the other side. Then, clumsily taped the two cut halves back together, leaving a rather noticeable fault line running across it. Perhaps pondering that the result didn’t turn out as silky smooth as he’d thought it would in his mind, he decided to lay it on the dash and position it over in the corner where half of it was hidden, hoping nobody would notice the butchering job. You can tell how well that plan went, by dint of him becoming story fodder for me. At least he didn’t use glue, I’d hate to think that his attempt to avoid me cost him one of his few remaining brain cells. I get the sneaking suspicion that this guy doesn’t spend a lot of time in well ventilated environments.

    Game Over! Your quest endeth here! Restore Restart Quit?


    Willfully Ignorant

    No Sir, it’s 100% legal to tow you from your rental unit if you don’t have a permit in your car. No, you can’t sue us. Well, you can try, but like setting up a unicorn trap in your front yard and patiently waiting, all your effort will net you naught but ridicule. No, you can’t sue your landlord. Well, you can try, but, as noted above, your effort would be better applied somewhere else. They didn’t break any law, criminal or civil or otherwise for having you towed. Yes, they will tow residents who don’t put their permits up in their cars. No, it isn’t illegal, they had you sign a parking agreement just like this blank one they gave us right here in case someone like you happened to come along and want to argue about it. What’s that you say? “THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH PARKING!” you say? Uh, it says “parking agreement” right on the top of it, and down here on the bottom is the line you signed when you rented, it doesn’t get much more parking-centric than that. “I DON’T CARE I DIDN’T READ IT!” you say? Ah, I’m beginning to see why you are in your current predicament, just call it a hunch. I think Mark Twain said it best: “A man who won’t read has no practical advantage over a man who can’t”.

    The Bucket List

    I got sworn at in Ukrainian, you can cross that one off the list of “things to do before I die”. Fortunately for my fans, I’ve still got a ways to go before I get to that crucial last entry, “pull pin, release spoon, regret nothing”.

    Gravity is a Harsh Mistress

    Pro Tip: If you want to indigently throw a parking citation at me to prove a point, *Said point being you have the mentality of a 3 year old who stomps her foot when someone tries enforcing the rules* it helps to crumple it up into a ball before trying to hurl it at me. Throwing the envelope as-is, even if you put a dramatic windup behind it worthy of Nolan Ryan, will result in only a mere 4 or so inches of lateral movement before it succumbs to air friction and hits the ground. You look silly when that happens…. downright foolish for even trying it…. Just like Robin Ventura looked when he charged the mound and Nolan Ryan put him in a headlock and wailed away on him… check it out on youtube sometime, it’s a hoot.

    By the way, did you know that in a perfect vacuum, you COULD throw an envelope, quite a distance in fact? That’d be awesome to see. In fact, I’m starting a collection right now to put Nolan Ryan in space so we can see him become the first human being to throw potato chips at 92 miles per hour. What? I’m serious. You ever try to throw a potato chip through a respectable distance? You cannae do’it Cap’n! It’s aggin’ the laws of physics!


    Deep Insights on Children and the Having Thereof

    Poor Towing Manager got this one foisted on him, but I’m partly to blame since I’m the one who found him and towed the kid in for illegal parking. Kid comes in shortly thereafter and whines that he shouldn’t have been towed. That got him as far as you’d expect. Well, like all red-blooded 21st century American males, he did what anyone in his situation would do when faced with adversity, he called his Mommy, who promptly came in to belabor the point some more. Seems her spesh-shull little snowflake has ulcerative colitis and simply HAS to be able to pull over anywhere and everywhere his heart desires to use the restroom when nature comes calling, which it does quite frequently to sufferers of the disease, I’m well aware of it, my old roommate had it and it more than once sent him to the ER for the weekend among other things. But, as hard as life is with it, it doesn’t entitle you to carte blanche to park wherever you feel like. And, the place he parked wasn’t even open, it was a dry-cleaners, closed and locked for after hours, had been that way for 2 hours when he parked there. Even if telling the truth, there’s no way he was using the facilities there. My guess, he parked, went across the way to that apartment building to “use the bathroom”, and party it up for an hour or so while he was at it… 90% of our illegals from this lot are for people doing just that.

    Well, Mommy didn’t like this explanation, so she lamented how rude and heartless we were for towing her little angel and that someday maybe we’ll have kids of our own and understand first hand what a travesty we just committed.

    Towing manager informs the lady he does have kids

    She looks him right in his face, his MOUSTACHED face by the way, and tells him:

    “Don’t lie to me! You’re too young to have kids!”

    Manager reiterates that he does, in fact, recall fathering at least one other living being in his life. The lady again accuses him of lying. At that point, manager wishes her a good evening and informs her the conversation is over, please leave. So she does. Then, she sticks her head back in the door and adds “You should be ashamed for lying! You do NOT have kids!”

    That’s when Manager went all Amityville Horror on her

    Get OUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!

    I suggested he should have pointed to the tiny picture on the desk of him and his kid together…. But we’d probably be accused to forging photographs, and the last thing his kid needs is this lady looking for him to “prove” he doesn’t exist.

    Keys to Misadventure

    When someone calls us looking for their car, a good barometer for how much hilarity is likely to ensue is how much information they can give you. And I mean “information pertinent to the call” kind of information. Very much UNLIKE that one lady who called us for a jump start the other morning and by the time we finally wrung the make and location of the car out of her, we’d already learned exactly where everyone in her family was in the house at that very moment, including who was in the shower…. Brevity people! Car info only! We aren’t the census bureau! And the longer you pad it out, the longer it’ll delay us actually DRIVING out to where you are! But I digress.

    What I’m trying to say in typical roundabout fashion is, if someone calls looking for a “Green Honda Accord, Pennsylvania plates, was last parked at 323 State St.” it’s going to be a boring “we have it, $115, no checks, thank you Sir/Ma’m” call. Whereas a person calling for a “Green car, parked in some alley somewhere”, well, that’s going to be a day at the silly races! Because that’s all we got from this person, it was a green car, parked in “some alley”.

    Well, we only had 1 green car, so the mystery was solved pretty fast, the hilarity part? As near as I can piece together, here’s what happened:

    -Guy loaned his car to his Buddy to make a beer run.

    -Buddy came back and parked the car illegally in an alley, a wholly different place than he left from.

    --Buddy intended to go find guy and return his car keys to him

    Buddy couldn’t find guy

    -Not wanting to carry around guy’s car keys all night, buddy put them in the only safe place he could think of, inside the fenderwell of the car on top of the tire….

    - Car got towed, as it was dark, we didn’t expect, notice or look for said keys.

    -Somewhere between the alley and the back lot, the keys fell out….

    Now, lucky for guy, he’s been praying to all the right Gods and/or Goddesses lately, because, in defiance of all statistical probability, he walked the route back to our garage and actually FOUND THE KEYS about 3 blocks away. So yay for him. But methinks he should cultivate a more intelligent brand of Buddy for the future, as he nearly ended up owing us not only $115 for the tow, but a $15 ticket for where Buddy left the car and whatever it cost to get a new set of keys cut.

    And speaking of cut..... I'm cutting loose for the weekend, adieu!
    - They say nothing good happens at 2AM, they're right, I happen at 2AM.

  • #2
    I lubs ya, Arga (in a platonic non-stalker way, sorry). You make me appreciate people who aren't idiots. Well, most of the posters do, but you have a way with words as well. Sigh, gonna shut up before my migraine makes me quit making any sense atall.

    Comment


    • #3
      Quoth Argabarga View Post
      The Bucket List

      I got sworn at in Ukrainian, you can cross that one off the list of “things to do before I die”. Fortunately for my fans, I’ve still got a ways to go before I get to that crucial last entry, “pull pin, release spoon, regret nothing”.
      I've gotten laid in Estonian. Still not sure which one of us wins, though.

      Quoth Argabarga View Post
      You look silly when that happens…. downright foolish for even trying it…. Just like Robin Ventura looked when he charged the mound and Nolan Ryan put him in a headlock and wailed away on him… check it out on youtube sometime, it’s a hoot.
      One of the all time great moments in baseball.

      Unless you're Robin Ventura. Or Robin Ventura's family. Or Robin Ventura's fans. But the rest of us thought it was equal parts awesome and hilarious.

      Especially us Nolan Ryan fans.

      Quoth Argabarga View Post
      I’m starting a collection right now to put Nolan Ryan in space so we can see him become the first human being to throw potato chips at 92 miles per hour. What? I’m serious. You ever try to throw a potato chip through a respectable distance? You cannae do’it Cap’n! It’s aggin’ the laws of physics!
      You really think Ryan would top out at 92 mph? With no air resistance? This is the Ryan Express, sir! Even in his Sixties, you give him a vacuum, he'll give you a bullet.

      As for throwing a potato chip a respectable distance, you can, if you treat it more like a frisbee or skipping stone than like a baseball. Just saying.

      Quoth Argabarga View Post
      That’s when Manager went all Amityville Horror on her

      Get OUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!
      Laughed my ass off at this one. Fucking. Epic.

      Quoth Argabarga View Post
      Now, lucky for guy, he’s been praying to all the right Gods and/or Goddesses lately, because, in defiance of all statistical probability, he walked the route back to our garage and actually FOUND THE KEYS about 3 blocks away.
      I have been known to pray to those deities myself from time to time. Like the time in college I was The Drunkest I've Ever Been. (October 27, 1989, for those keeping score at home.) This was an epic adventure that spanned a several hours, countless miles, the dorms, a missed concert, sprinting down the train tracks in a borrowed leather trench coat, a friend's parents' couch, an encounter with Officer Steve (who was the one who got me to the aforementioned couch), a jailbreak from the house with said couch, yakking on various people, a month to reconstruct my actions, and at some point in all of this, drunkenly and angrily flinging my keys into the dirt and walking away, for reasons that have forever eluded me.

      Somehow I remembered where I had flung those keys hours earlier, and by some miracle, they were still there, though this many years after the fact, I cannot actually tell you whether I retrieved them at some point that evening or during my ridiculous hangover the next morning. I can, however, tell you in precise detail WHERE those keys were when I flung them/found them later. Kinda interesting the details we remember, huh?

      "The Customer Is Always Right...But The Bartender Decides Who Is
      Still A Customer."

      Comment


      • #4
        Quoth Argabarga View Post

        That’s when Manager went all Amityville Horror on her

        Get OUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!
        Just....just yes. I am so sorry this wasnt something that I could witness. It tickles me so.

        Comment


        • #5
          Quoth Argabarga View Post
          The Bucket List

          I got sworn at in Ukrainian, you can cross that one off the list of “things to do before I die”. Fortunately for my fans, I’ve still got a ways to go before I get to that crucial last entry, “pull pin, release spoon, regret nothing”.
          Such a colorful language. Does kinda sound like the speaker is choking, though... Luckily, all you got was sworn at. To quote the remake of "The Italian Job": "If there's one thing I know, it's never to mess with mother nature, mother in-laws and, mother fucking Ukrainians."
          "If your day is filled with firefighting, you need to start taking the matches away from the toddlers…” - HM

          Comment


          • #6
            No fewer than three sig-worthy lines in this one. So I just chose my favorite.
            Knowledge is power. Power corrupts. Study hard. Be evil.

            "I never said I wasn't a horrible person."--Me, almost daily

            Comment


            • #7
              What two didn't make the cut?
              - They say nothing good happens at 2AM, they're right, I happen at 2AM.

              Comment


              • #8
                Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.


                WHOA.


                They make unicorn traps? I've had a herd of those little bastards chewing up my lawn for a month.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Quoth An Haddock View Post
                  Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.


                  WHOA.


                  They make unicorn traps? I've had a herd of those little bastards chewing up my lawn for a month.
                  You don't like the free lawn chomping service?
                  "I don't have to be petty. The Universe does that for me."

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Quoth Argabarga View Post
                    There's Plenty More Stupid Where This Came From
                    Yes. Yes, there always is. Pity there's no way to eradicate stupidity, at least not without getting arrested.
                    I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
                    My LiveJournal
                    A page we can all agree with!

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Quoth Jester View Post
                      Especially us Nolan Ryan fans.
                      Hey, I love Nolan Ryan, awesome pitcher.

                      Still smile about the fact that I got to see Cal Ripkin, Jr. hit his first home run in Camden Yards off of Nolan Ryan.

                      But Nolan Ryan serving up some PWNADE(TM) like that to Robin Ventura?

                      Very awesome.
                      PWNADE(TM) - Serve up a glass today! | PWNZER - An act of pwnage so awesome, it's like the victim got hit by a tank.

                      There are only Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse because I choose to walk!

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Quoth XCashier View Post
                        Yes. Yes, there always is. Pity there's no way to eradicate stupidity, at least not without getting arrested.
                        Oh, there is, and without getting arrested.

                        Of course, the trick is not getting caught.

                        Quoth Jay 2K Winger View Post
                        But Nolan Ryan serving up some PWNADE(TM) like that to Robin Ventura?

                        Very awesome.
                        Quite.

                        "The Customer Is Always Right...But The Bartender Decides Who Is
                        Still A Customer."

                        Comment

                        Working...
                        X