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The brown stuff really rolls downhill during these game weekends, don't it? So much so in fact, I had to give Twitch his own byline. Now, for the rest of the sillyness.
HELP HELP, I'M BEIN' REPRESSED!!!
This one happened to Slim. I’ve never mentioned Slim before, because in the grand scheme of things, he’s rather unmentionable. He comes in, does his job, and goes home and never has any complaints, kinda just drifting though the workday with an “Aw Shucks” attitude about it all. Nothing fazes him, I’ve never seen him angry, I’ve never seen him stressed, I’ve never seen him cuss. I firmly think you could hand him a tow slip with the pick-up location listed as “Istanbul” and the tow destination listed as “Saturn”, and he’d just fire up the truck, grab the DOT logbook and fuel cards and roll out the gate without a word. For those who haven’t met him, the best way I could describe it? He’s pretty much this guy:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IakkqyRBHRI
In much the same way that certain drivers attract all the violent nincompoops, others like Slim seem to have the blessing of the fates and never get stuck with the assholes. Well, today, Slim’s luck ran out.
He went for an illegally parked car, and was in the process of loading it when the owner came running. The usual pleasantries were exchanged, owner had no permit, he owes us the drop fee. The owner had other ideas and made a beeline for the car. Slim, already having it lifted off the ground tried to lift it some more to prevent the guy from being able to get inside, but the hydraulics weren’t fast enough and the guy was able to climb in. Slim tells him he needs to get out and pay. Guy refuses, declaring
“You can’t tow me! I’m in the car! So put it down!”
Slim again tells him he needs to pay for the drop.
“I’m not giving you a cent! You can’t tow this car with me in it! Unhook me!”
Slim refuses.
“This is kidnapping!” The guy hollers. “You hear me! You are KIDNAPPING me! I’m calling the cops!” as he whips out his cellphone.
Slim shrugs his shoulders, as that’s what he was planning to do himself, might as well let his erstwhile kidnapping victim call so he doesn’t have to relate the whole story third-person. Soon enough, a pair of cops show up. They converse with Slim briefly to make sure everything went down pretty much as they hypothesize it did and then tell the guy he needs to get out of the car and pay.
“But he’s trying to kidnap me!” the guy protests.
The cops, with far more patience than I could ever muster, slowly explain to him that he hasn’t been kidnapped, that would require him being forcibly restrained and moved, he’s free to get out of his car anytime he wants and furthermore, his car hasn’t moved at all from where it was when Slim hooked it and there was no way Slim was going to go anywhere with him in it as towing a car with a person in it is against DOT regulations.
Defeated, the kidnap victim pays his ransom… er… I … mean, he pays us the $65 for the drop and he’s free to run off into the wild.
You know. Over the years, we’ve been accused of theft, fraud, perjury and vandalism, but I can safely say, this is the first time we’ve ever been accused of breaking federal law and violating civil liberties, we must be moving up in the world at last to be pulling that kind of charge.
You gotta admit, that there was a good joke, man.
*whistles kingdom coming and walks off*
Speaking of Jokes
While checking out an illegally parked SUV at an apartment across town (which has some downright UGLY masonry work I might add, the architectural concepts of the 70’s years have aged about as well as you’d imagine, yes, people actually had no issues with puke-green polyester carpet once upon a time) when one of the tenants takes note of what I’m up to, sticks his head out the door and decides now would be a perfect time to exercise his 1st Amendment rights in a well thought out treatise on socio-economic factors affecting the both of us. Just kidding, he decided to lip off.
Him - “Man, you should get a real f*ckin’ job”
Me - “This is a real job, I get paid for it”
Him - *Goes to close door, stops, reopens it* “What’d you say?!”
Me - “I said this is a real job because I get real money for what I do.”
Him - “Well, have fun making a living ruining other people’s fun.”
Me - “They ruined it all by themselves, If only they’d park legally I wouldn’t be able to tow them.”
Him - *Goes to close door, stops, reopens it* “What’d you just say?!”
Me - “I said that if they didn’t want towed, they should have listened to the signs that say not to park here. It’s not my fault they won’t follow rules.”
Him - “Man, you must’ve gotten a ton of s*it in High School”
Me - “Eh, nothing like the s*it I get now”
Him - *Goes to close door, stops, reopens it* “What?!”
Me - “I said, nothing like….”
And that’s when he slammed the door and went inside for good.
I’m confused. What was that all about? Was I part of some bizarre sketch comedy routine that I wasn’t aware of? Oh well, say goodnight Dick, and play us ( and this car) outta here!
Wa wa wa wuh-waaaa wuhnt! *Blat!*
Your Manager Needs Sanity, Badly!
Towing manager is a bit stressed lately, what with everyone around him deciding to be more belligerent than usual as of late. He’s also had to work some longer hours due to three back-to-back-to-back home football games swamping us with paperwork and people who just want to argue every little conceivable thing.
Mysterious Smears
Like this latest, ahem, gentleman. Firstly, he got towed out of his own house and home as it were. He lives at an apartment complex that has two lots, an “A” lot and a “B” lot. When you rent there, you get a parking pass with a big “A” or “B” on it, and, well, guess what that means? No points for those of you at home who have correctly deduced that it means you are assigned to that particular lot and MUST park there, no exceptions. A’s that mix with B’s? That just ain’t natural and they’ll be towed! Got it? Well, somehow, this fellow decided it was all a bluff and put his “A” permit car in the “B” lot, which led to him being in the “F” lot, as in the “Friendly Neighborhood Towing” lot. The one with the steel gate and fence. This was highly inconvenient for him.
So, upon retrieving his car, he decides to walk around it a couple-a-dozen times, searching in vain for something damaged he can blame us for, after a bit, he finds “something”.
“You scratched the bumper when you picked it up! You can’t pick up a car like this from the bumper!”
Manager takes one look, sighs a great sigh, and explains
"Sir, that is old damage. You can clearly see that someone has even painted over the scrape with blue of a different color that doesn’t match. No part of our truck even touches that part of the car to tow it. No car today can be picked up from the bumper, they’re all plastic, they’d rip right off. Even if we did hit it, there would be green paint transfer. (Our trucks are white, with green bumpers front and back)"
"No! It wasn’t there before!"
"Well, we didn’t do it, Sir"
"Yes you did"
"No we didn’t"
*repeat these last two for as long as you wish, this gentleman did so for about 30 minutes*
Finally, at the end of his rope, manager calls for a driver to load up a car, any car, dolly it, and bring it around to the front of the building. We do, and even have the driver turn the tightest possible turn he can in the front parking lot showing that even at maximum wheel lock, it is physically impossible for the truck to touch the car it’s towing with it’s bumper. It’s like trying to touch your earlobes with your tongue, as in if it ever comes to that, you’ve got more immediate concerns to worry about. The only way to dent the bumper of a towed car is if we back into it directly, and we certainly didn’t do that.
The guy finally gives up, but now notices something else. Now he sees a white streak running down his left tail light lens…
“This wasn’t here before either!” he says, running his fingers over it. The smear comes off in his hand. He holds his stained finger up to the manager’s face.
"Your trucks are white too! So what do you call THIS!?" He demands.
Manager takes one look, stifles a laugh, and tells him.
"That’s birdshit, Sir."
He left, quietly, and quickly. Probably in search of some fresh toiletries.
All key'ed up, No Place to go
We had another person who came in sans their car keys, and demanded we tell them where they are. I know you all must think I make this up, but I swear, it happens more times than you’d think. People will travel several blocks, on foot, to get their car and not stop to think if they remembered to bring their keys. Most people, upon realizing it, will just apologize and go back for the keys, but there’s always that one person 4 standard deviations away from the norm on the bell curve who, when presented with their own stupidity, immediately tries to project it on the next person they meet.
This was one of those guys. He pays for the car, after complaining that it wasn’t even his, it was his mother’s and we shouldn’t have towed it, and then demands the keys. Manager informs him, sorry, he left his car-key-dousing rod at home, so he has no idea where they are. Guy gets angrier and reiterates that he wants his keys and he wants them NOW! Manager shoots him a quizzical look and again explains that he doesn’t have them. Now the guy gets even ANGRIER and starts cussing and swearing, manager finally gives in and yells at him in his firm “Parent” voice, the one he uses as a last resort before he speed-dials 911 and says:
“Sir, Did I beat your Mom up and take her keys? No! So I DON’T HAVE THEM AND DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY ARE, THAT’S NOT MY JOB TO KEEP TRACK OF THEM!”
Guy slinks out… someone else came in with the keys later. Turns out that fellow was apparently inebriated. That doesn’t excuse him persay, but it certainly explains a lot. Probably for everyone’s benefit that he didn’t have the keys after all.
His Dishonor, the Mayor
Guy comes in to pay for his towed car, and tries to impress towing manager, I guess, by declaring he could buy us out if he wanted to. A change in pace from the usual threats to withhold money from us until we get sick of having their car sit around. Protip: when we get sick of it, Goober, the guy who runs the junkyard, will be more than happy to take it. Sometimes I think he’s a little too happy to take them, in fact…… but we’re off the rails like CSX again, so back to the story:
Guy: How big is this place? I’ll bet I could buy it!
Manager: I doubt it
Guy: I’ll bet I could! I got a tape measure in the car, let’s measure it out! I got money! You know I could put down $20,000, cash, on your desk right now? Huh? I could BUY this whole operation! What do you think of that?!
Manager: $20,000 would about cover the cost of having the stucco outside redone this spring, now have a nice night.
Guy: You know who I am?
Manger: Nope, your car is out back in the impound lot, have a nice night.
Guy: I’m the mayor of Podunk!
Manager: Uh huh
Guy: Well, you just watch yourself buddy, next time you drive through there, you might not like what happens to you!
Manager: I can safely say I’ve lived all 28 years of my life happily having no clue where Podunk even is, so I don’t think I’ll have to worry much about that.
His honor left shortly thereafter.
Sigh, another person with delusions of civic grandeur. You know, I hear that’s a pretty cushy job, mayor of Podunk. You get business cards, a free ego upgrade and all the cow pies you can eat. And best of all, if you can convince your neighbor to vote for you, you’re in, as it no longer matters what the 3rd guy living on the other side of you thinks.
Interestingly, with the extended 10 hour shifts going late into the night during football, the manager has taken to bringing his dog into the office with him so it won’t get lonely at home alone. He keeps it in it’s pet carrier under the desk and lets it out when customers aren’t about. Between that, and the eternal bitchfest of unappeasable people plucking at his frayed nerves, I wonder how many more complaints we are from enacting that one scene from The Big Lebowski?
I can totally see my manager hurdling the counter, gun in hand, declaring “AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO GIVES A SHIT ABOUT THE RULES?!”
HELP HELP, I'M BEIN' REPRESSED!!!
This one happened to Slim. I’ve never mentioned Slim before, because in the grand scheme of things, he’s rather unmentionable. He comes in, does his job, and goes home and never has any complaints, kinda just drifting though the workday with an “Aw Shucks” attitude about it all. Nothing fazes him, I’ve never seen him angry, I’ve never seen him stressed, I’ve never seen him cuss. I firmly think you could hand him a tow slip with the pick-up location listed as “Istanbul” and the tow destination listed as “Saturn”, and he’d just fire up the truck, grab the DOT logbook and fuel cards and roll out the gate without a word. For those who haven’t met him, the best way I could describe it? He’s pretty much this guy:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IakkqyRBHRI
In much the same way that certain drivers attract all the violent nincompoops, others like Slim seem to have the blessing of the fates and never get stuck with the assholes. Well, today, Slim’s luck ran out.
He went for an illegally parked car, and was in the process of loading it when the owner came running. The usual pleasantries were exchanged, owner had no permit, he owes us the drop fee. The owner had other ideas and made a beeline for the car. Slim, already having it lifted off the ground tried to lift it some more to prevent the guy from being able to get inside, but the hydraulics weren’t fast enough and the guy was able to climb in. Slim tells him he needs to get out and pay. Guy refuses, declaring
“You can’t tow me! I’m in the car! So put it down!”
Slim again tells him he needs to pay for the drop.
“I’m not giving you a cent! You can’t tow this car with me in it! Unhook me!”
Slim refuses.
“This is kidnapping!” The guy hollers. “You hear me! You are KIDNAPPING me! I’m calling the cops!” as he whips out his cellphone.
Slim shrugs his shoulders, as that’s what he was planning to do himself, might as well let his erstwhile kidnapping victim call so he doesn’t have to relate the whole story third-person. Soon enough, a pair of cops show up. They converse with Slim briefly to make sure everything went down pretty much as they hypothesize it did and then tell the guy he needs to get out of the car and pay.
“But he’s trying to kidnap me!” the guy protests.
The cops, with far more patience than I could ever muster, slowly explain to him that he hasn’t been kidnapped, that would require him being forcibly restrained and moved, he’s free to get out of his car anytime he wants and furthermore, his car hasn’t moved at all from where it was when Slim hooked it and there was no way Slim was going to go anywhere with him in it as towing a car with a person in it is against DOT regulations.
Defeated, the kidnap victim pays his ransom… er… I … mean, he pays us the $65 for the drop and he’s free to run off into the wild.
You know. Over the years, we’ve been accused of theft, fraud, perjury and vandalism, but I can safely say, this is the first time we’ve ever been accused of breaking federal law and violating civil liberties, we must be moving up in the world at last to be pulling that kind of charge.
You gotta admit, that there was a good joke, man.
*whistles kingdom coming and walks off*
Speaking of Jokes
While checking out an illegally parked SUV at an apartment across town (which has some downright UGLY masonry work I might add, the architectural concepts of the 70’s years have aged about as well as you’d imagine, yes, people actually had no issues with puke-green polyester carpet once upon a time) when one of the tenants takes note of what I’m up to, sticks his head out the door and decides now would be a perfect time to exercise his 1st Amendment rights in a well thought out treatise on socio-economic factors affecting the both of us. Just kidding, he decided to lip off.
Him - “Man, you should get a real f*ckin’ job”
Me - “This is a real job, I get paid for it”
Him - *Goes to close door, stops, reopens it* “What’d you say?!”
Me - “I said this is a real job because I get real money for what I do.”
Him - “Well, have fun making a living ruining other people’s fun.”
Me - “They ruined it all by themselves, If only they’d park legally I wouldn’t be able to tow them.”
Him - *Goes to close door, stops, reopens it* “What’d you just say?!”
Me - “I said that if they didn’t want towed, they should have listened to the signs that say not to park here. It’s not my fault they won’t follow rules.”
Him - “Man, you must’ve gotten a ton of s*it in High School”
Me - “Eh, nothing like the s*it I get now”
Him - *Goes to close door, stops, reopens it* “What?!”
Me - “I said, nothing like….”
And that’s when he slammed the door and went inside for good.
I’m confused. What was that all about? Was I part of some bizarre sketch comedy routine that I wasn’t aware of? Oh well, say goodnight Dick, and play us ( and this car) outta here!
Wa wa wa wuh-waaaa wuhnt! *Blat!*
Your Manager Needs Sanity, Badly!
Towing manager is a bit stressed lately, what with everyone around him deciding to be more belligerent than usual as of late. He’s also had to work some longer hours due to three back-to-back-to-back home football games swamping us with paperwork and people who just want to argue every little conceivable thing.
Mysterious Smears
Like this latest, ahem, gentleman. Firstly, he got towed out of his own house and home as it were. He lives at an apartment complex that has two lots, an “A” lot and a “B” lot. When you rent there, you get a parking pass with a big “A” or “B” on it, and, well, guess what that means? No points for those of you at home who have correctly deduced that it means you are assigned to that particular lot and MUST park there, no exceptions. A’s that mix with B’s? That just ain’t natural and they’ll be towed! Got it? Well, somehow, this fellow decided it was all a bluff and put his “A” permit car in the “B” lot, which led to him being in the “F” lot, as in the “Friendly Neighborhood Towing” lot. The one with the steel gate and fence. This was highly inconvenient for him.
So, upon retrieving his car, he decides to walk around it a couple-a-dozen times, searching in vain for something damaged he can blame us for, after a bit, he finds “something”.
“You scratched the bumper when you picked it up! You can’t pick up a car like this from the bumper!”
Manager takes one look, sighs a great sigh, and explains
"Sir, that is old damage. You can clearly see that someone has even painted over the scrape with blue of a different color that doesn’t match. No part of our truck even touches that part of the car to tow it. No car today can be picked up from the bumper, they’re all plastic, they’d rip right off. Even if we did hit it, there would be green paint transfer. (Our trucks are white, with green bumpers front and back)"
"No! It wasn’t there before!"
"Well, we didn’t do it, Sir"
"Yes you did"
"No we didn’t"
*repeat these last two for as long as you wish, this gentleman did so for about 30 minutes*
Finally, at the end of his rope, manager calls for a driver to load up a car, any car, dolly it, and bring it around to the front of the building. We do, and even have the driver turn the tightest possible turn he can in the front parking lot showing that even at maximum wheel lock, it is physically impossible for the truck to touch the car it’s towing with it’s bumper. It’s like trying to touch your earlobes with your tongue, as in if it ever comes to that, you’ve got more immediate concerns to worry about. The only way to dent the bumper of a towed car is if we back into it directly, and we certainly didn’t do that.
The guy finally gives up, but now notices something else. Now he sees a white streak running down his left tail light lens…
“This wasn’t here before either!” he says, running his fingers over it. The smear comes off in his hand. He holds his stained finger up to the manager’s face.
"Your trucks are white too! So what do you call THIS!?" He demands.
Manager takes one look, stifles a laugh, and tells him.
"That’s birdshit, Sir."
He left, quietly, and quickly. Probably in search of some fresh toiletries.
All key'ed up, No Place to go
We had another person who came in sans their car keys, and demanded we tell them where they are. I know you all must think I make this up, but I swear, it happens more times than you’d think. People will travel several blocks, on foot, to get their car and not stop to think if they remembered to bring their keys. Most people, upon realizing it, will just apologize and go back for the keys, but there’s always that one person 4 standard deviations away from the norm on the bell curve who, when presented with their own stupidity, immediately tries to project it on the next person they meet.
This was one of those guys. He pays for the car, after complaining that it wasn’t even his, it was his mother’s and we shouldn’t have towed it, and then demands the keys. Manager informs him, sorry, he left his car-key-dousing rod at home, so he has no idea where they are. Guy gets angrier and reiterates that he wants his keys and he wants them NOW! Manager shoots him a quizzical look and again explains that he doesn’t have them. Now the guy gets even ANGRIER and starts cussing and swearing, manager finally gives in and yells at him in his firm “Parent” voice, the one he uses as a last resort before he speed-dials 911 and says:
“Sir, Did I beat your Mom up and take her keys? No! So I DON’T HAVE THEM AND DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY ARE, THAT’S NOT MY JOB TO KEEP TRACK OF THEM!”
Guy slinks out… someone else came in with the keys later. Turns out that fellow was apparently inebriated. That doesn’t excuse him persay, but it certainly explains a lot. Probably for everyone’s benefit that he didn’t have the keys after all.
His Dishonor, the Mayor
Guy comes in to pay for his towed car, and tries to impress towing manager, I guess, by declaring he could buy us out if he wanted to. A change in pace from the usual threats to withhold money from us until we get sick of having their car sit around. Protip: when we get sick of it, Goober, the guy who runs the junkyard, will be more than happy to take it. Sometimes I think he’s a little too happy to take them, in fact…… but we’re off the rails like CSX again, so back to the story:
Guy: How big is this place? I’ll bet I could buy it!
Manager: I doubt it
Guy: I’ll bet I could! I got a tape measure in the car, let’s measure it out! I got money! You know I could put down $20,000, cash, on your desk right now? Huh? I could BUY this whole operation! What do you think of that?!
Manager: $20,000 would about cover the cost of having the stucco outside redone this spring, now have a nice night.
Guy: You know who I am?
Manger: Nope, your car is out back in the impound lot, have a nice night.
Guy: I’m the mayor of Podunk!
Manager: Uh huh
Guy: Well, you just watch yourself buddy, next time you drive through there, you might not like what happens to you!
Manager: I can safely say I’ve lived all 28 years of my life happily having no clue where Podunk even is, so I don’t think I’ll have to worry much about that.
His honor left shortly thereafter.
Sigh, another person with delusions of civic grandeur. You know, I hear that’s a pretty cushy job, mayor of Podunk. You get business cards, a free ego upgrade and all the cow pies you can eat. And best of all, if you can convince your neighbor to vote for you, you’re in, as it no longer matters what the 3rd guy living on the other side of you thinks.
Interestingly, with the extended 10 hour shifts going late into the night during football, the manager has taken to bringing his dog into the office with him so it won’t get lonely at home alone. He keeps it in it’s pet carrier under the desk and lets it out when customers aren’t about. Between that, and the eternal bitchfest of unappeasable people plucking at his frayed nerves, I wonder how many more complaints we are from enacting that one scene from The Big Lebowski?
I can totally see my manager hurdling the counter, gun in hand, declaring “AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO GIVES A SHIT ABOUT THE RULES?!”
If they're telling the truth, then they are effectively representing that office, and should be held to a higher standard...and they can afford the extra fee. If they're lying, they can consider it a "Pay or we have you arrested for Uttering Forgery" fee.
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