It happened again, but this time, ENOUGH.

[Barracuda]

Some of you may remember some of my earlier threads about a girl I was friends with (and briefly seeing) who went off to alcohol treatment after many shenanigans, including trying to have me arrested on trumped up charges (and getting herself arrested for filing a false report.) I was patient through most of it, and kept forgiving her.

Contact with her has been sporadic at times while she was in treatment (it's a year long program run by a local mission,) and last Friday I was told (by a mutual friend) that she was going to graduate from the program and everyone was invited. So I went with that friend and one more I rounded up who is close to her. I knew I was in trouble the minute the first words out of her mouth were "What are you doing here?" Not joking at all, quite serious. So I tried to shrug it off and watched her graduate, congratulated her, and left after the ceremony.

I emailed her to find out what was up with the cold shoulder. She then basically informed me that she had been taught in the program to avoid old triggers that set off her behavior and get rid of negative influences in her life. She now considered me to be in that category, and basically told me to get lost and leave her alone.

So, after all I did to try and help her (recommending the program, telling her about it, giving her a place to stay multiple times when she was going crazy at home, setting her up with a friend who drove her to the program and got her in, supporting her as much as I could while she was in,) I'm apparently dispensable now that she has the help she needed and is no longer desperate for support. Thanks, "friend"! Topping it off is the fact that now the support I gave her "wasn't what she needed" and her problems, apparently, are my fault (or at least partly my fault. I call total BS on that.)

Getting rid of people who are a bad influence in your life is a healthy thing, to be sure. I just don't fall into that category, not by a long shot. However, SHE does. So I am getting rid of HER this time. No more making up and being friends, no more helping her out, I will forgive her if she asks but I will NOT be her friend, ever, again. That ship has sailed for good. Needless to say, I have a lot of hurt and anger to work through, but it taught me a valuable lesson--sometimes, no matter how good you are to them, people just will walk all over you and use you as a scapegoat. And I don't want this happening again. Time to work harder at figuring out which people (especially women) are like that so I can cut ties earlier in the future or even steer clear entirely.

[Aethian]

I have to ask why you went uninvited to her graduation? And I have to ask after she had already dissed you, with more then one person saying to write her off, what did you think was going to happen?

She still needs a scape goat to blame things on. Unless she gets hit up by a clue by four, she's never going to have graduated treatment.

[Jester]

This woman is toxic. I think I may have said that in the earlier thread about her. Do not bother with her period. She's proven that she is not your friend and never really was.

Do not, however, let her make you jaded towards other women in your future. She is who she is, but she is not representative of all or even most women.

You can view this whole episode as either a negative or positive experience. My advice to you is to understand that, while it was generally negative you can use it as a positive experience. A learning experience, if you will. As much as I rail against My Worst Girlfriend Ever, she taught me a lot. Or rather, my experience with her taught me a lot. So should this experience with Miss Toxic teach you. NOT that women are, as a group, evil, using, and fucked up, but that some people can be. Don't view all or even most women as potential Miss Toxics, but understand that such people exist, and be more aware of their potential to take advantage of you.

Being aware of such things can help us avoid them. But again, do not assume that most women or most people in your life will be like this. That is unlikely. Just understand that such people are out there, so that in the future, if you see such things manifesting themselves in future dealings with people, you'll be more prepare to deal with them, up to and including saying "ENOUGH!" before they progress too far or can do too much damage, as this one did.

And while I commend you for your ability to forgive Miss Toxic, I would advise you that, should she, in the future, try to weasel her way back into your life (something I would bet on, honestly), you have the good sense to just say no, and keep her and her bullshit firmly in the rear view mirror.

[Barracuda]

I wasn't uninvited. She apparently told our friend to "invite everyone." Since I had no reason to think that didn't include me at the time (this was the first I'd heard she didn't want me around, I mean, right before Christmas she wanted to meet and hang out), I thought I was welcome.

Oh, that's the plan, Jester. I will forgive her if I have reached that point in working through it and she asks. But forgiveness does not mean I will trust her, or have anything more to do with her. It would go something like this: "Will you forgive me?" "Ok, well, you hurt me very badly, but I accept your apology. Thank you." "So, wanna hang out?" "Um, no. We're done. I can't trust you anymore. You seem to enjoy hurting me, and frankly, even if you have changed, I'm not willing to put up with anything else to find out."

[Pixilated]

Or, as my grandfather used to say, "Yes, yes, I forgive you. Now go away and stop bothering me."

[Aethian]

I wasn't uninvited. She apparently told our friend to "invite everyone." Since I had no reason to think that didn't include me at the time (this was the first I'd heard she didn't want me around, I mean, right before Christmas she wanted to meet and hang out), I thought I was welcome.

You had issues with her in the past. That's when you get your invitation from HER not from another. So yea you technically came uninvited in my view of things.

This is why I NEVER trust third party invitations.

[taxguykarl]

Jester's right. Pick up the pieces and move on. No contact with her--she could well be my crack-loving ex-gf.

[MoonCat]

I have to give the same advice I'd give anyone who was trying to permanently break up with someone (doesn't have to be a romantic relationship): No explanations, no discussions, no communication. She's a user (of people). You want to believe you're doing the right thing by forgiving her, but you can do that without communicating with her. She doesn't have to know. Just have a little chat with yourself and decide if you, in your heart, forgive her. Then consider the issue done and move on. If she calls, hang up. If she emails, delete without reading. Block her from Facebook if you use that.

You're a good person who deserves to have good people in your life. She's not one of them. Cut her out completely. Otherwise you're not really ending the "friendship". The best closure is complete closure.

[Pixilated]

I have to give the same advice I'd give anyone who was trying to permanently break up with someone (doesn't have to be a romantic relationship): No explanations, no discussions, no communication. *snip*.

I absolutely agree with this. I've got a friend who appears to have a non-negotiable requirement to have "closure" (which appears to mean "I want the last word") when relationships fail (including friendships) -- despite repeated proof that the other side usually isn't going to cooperate.

By all means, forgive her if it helps you ... but don't feel obligated to pass that along to her. Then evict her from your concerns and move on.

[MoonCat]

Pixilated, yes. Some people want to end things on their terms. Sometimes the best way to do that is to stop talking, even if the other party continues. The last time someone hurt me bad enough to make me want out for good, the ball was in my court, and I simply refused to throw it back. I don't play that game.

[Mr. Anubite]

I have to give the same advice I'd give anyone who was trying to permanently break up with someone (doesn't have to be a romantic relationship): No explanations, no discussions, no communication.

I think that rule is generally a good idea, but I think it should be used on a case-by-case basis. In this situation, that's probably the best route to take. However, I don't think people should always do this when they don't want to be friends with someone. I've had several friendships end through the stonewall route, when I truly believe they should have ended with a conversation.

[MoonCat]

I think that rule is generally a good idea, but I think it should be used on a case-by-case basis. In this situation, that's probably the best route to take. However, I don't think people should always do this when they don't want to be friends with someone. I've had several friendships end through the stonewall route, when I truly believe they should have ended with a conversation.

Well, yeah, I can see that it depends on the people involved. I just feel that when someone repeatedly stabs you in the back, then comes back and makes nice for a while, only to stab you once again, the best solution is not to give them any more opportunities to keep on stabbing. But, YMMV, as they say.

[Barracuda]

Hmm. Interesting debate, since I was debating whether to contact her prematurely to let her know further contact is NOT welcome, don't even TRY crawling back later, or waiting and doing it if she actually tries. Because knowing her, at some point she's GOING to try to slip in some lame almost apology and then act like the whole thing a. never happened or b. was entirely my fault. Heck, knowing her, she might even just show up at my door suddenly.

[aqutalion]

Hmm. Interesting debate, since I was debating whether to contact her prematurely to let her know further contact is NOT welcome, don't even TRY crawling back later, or waiting and doing it if she actually tries. Because knowing her, at some point she's GOING to try to slip in some lame almost apology and then act like the whole thing a. never happened or b. was entirely my fault. Heck, knowing her, she might even just show up at my door suddenly.

Don't contact her. That'll just give her some ammunition- "Look how meeeeeean Barracuda's being to poor recovering me"[/i]. Just pretend she doesn't exist, from now on. Besides, if I'm right about the type of person she is, she won't take being told not to contact you seriously, and being ignored will be a bigger annoyance that anything you tell her.

[Mr. Anubite]

Well, yeah, I can see that it depends on the people involved. I just feel that when someone repeatedly stabs you in the back, then comes back and makes nice for a while, only to stab you once again, the best solution is not to give them any more opportunities to keep on stabbing. But, YMMV, as they say.

Totally. In this situation, I think that's the best idea. I just meant that people shouldn't stonewall each other in every friendship-ending situation. But this lady perfectly fits the bill.

Hmm. Interesting debate, since I was debating whether to contact her prematurely to let her know further contact is NOT welcome, don't even TRY crawling back later, or waiting and doing it if she actually tries.

I think that if you decide to contact her, send her a polite, but firm email explaining your reasons for not wanting to continue the friendship, and noting that you don't want her to contact you further. Then, stonewall. Block her email address or something, if necessary.

You could also jump straight to stonewalling, whichever way feels right for you.