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Well, it's only midweek, but between the snow, the single-digit temperatures (and might I remind you that's single-digit in FAHRENHEIT, for those of you wondering why I'm complaining since that's not even below freezing by YOUR estimation) and the fact that everyone has developed a sudden case of the malignant stupids, this week has already been about as fun, enjoyable and relaxing as a stay in your average Russian hotel room.
Now, for this evening's results in the Illegal Park-a-lympics, for those who don't want to wait for the tape-delayed airing. Warning, spoilers.
BRONZE
Again with the "I'm not from around here" argument?
Well, whatever city/country/planet/plane of existence you DO call home, I have only one question, how long has literacy been a capital offense there?
Because that sign you parked a mere 10 inches from that says "PERMIT PARKING ONLY VIOLATORS TOWED" should have told you everything you needed to know about why you SHOULDN'T have parked there.
"But we were right across the street!" you say? So what? Let me introduce you to a little thing I like to call "Irrelevancy", whatever you were doing, whomever you were doing it with and wherever you were doing it and wether or not you were naked at the time doesn't change the fact that you STILL parked without that permit you need to park here.
No permit? No parkin'
Ain't causality a bitch?
SILVER
Okay, I've said it before, but it bears repeating, my math skills are atrocious, and that's saying nothing of my skills at aftermath.
But, this was a no-brainer.
Consider the following givens for this particular problem.
VEHICLE SPOT TIME: 10:19
TRUCK ON-SCENE TIME: 10:39
TRUCK CLEAR TIME: 10:44
GREAT CAESARS GHOST! MY CAR'S GONE! REALIZATION TIME: 11:30
Got that?
Now add those up and the total elapsed time that you spent, at minimum, in a marked "15 minute loading/unloading only" zone with THREE signs marking it thusly, was 1 Hour, 11 minutes.
It was probably even longer since I doubt we saw you there the very instant you parked, so feel free to add an additional "X" minutes where "X" is your choice of from about 10 to 20 depending on how generous you want to be with your rounding.
That's a tad longer than you're allowed there, sport.
Of course, your first argument upon calling us was "I Was Only there 3 minutes!"
Uh, yeah. Might we point out to you it took longer than that to even start and finish LOADING the car?
I mean, why'd you even TRY that lie? We point-blank asked you, you didn't have an answer. It's like, lets say the cops just dug up 30 bodies in your backyard, each with a piece of cutlery, coincidentally missing from YOUR kitchen knife block, jammed through their skulls, and you only admit to killing the first one..... The rest? You haven't a clue how they got there.
Uh huh, likely story.
Look Son, If you're going to lie, at least do some QC on the lie you intend to tell.
I am actually almost willing to condone dishonesty in this case because I'm THAT irritated by the laziness on display.
I don't know what infuriates me more about you. That you are willing to lie your way out of the situation, immediately, with no moral reservations, or that you can't even tell a good lie right out of the starting block.
Here's a hint if you want to be a good liar, start little and work up from there, you've got a long way to go before I'd trust you lying for something REALLY important, like when the SEC chairman sits you down in front of a congressional committee and asks you exactly where that unaccounted for $15 million went.
Here's a tip, start with "The Dog ate it" not "Zebras ate it".
GOLD
Well, I'm not the IOC, so I can't award you a medal for your efforts in what was, by my estimate, the 400 meter dash, as that's about how far you chased the tow truck, all the way back from where you got towed to our impound lot, on foot and were actually close enough behind him that you ran INTO the impound before our driver could get the gate shut.
Now the fun begins
Firstly, you declare you "ain't payin' s*it" and intend to get your truck (Which is still hooked up to OUR truck, by the way) and leave without paying.
Uh, pass on that idea, buttercup. You owe us $115 first.
You refuse to pay that on the grounds that last time we towed you, you only owed us $65.
Ah, a repeat customer eh? You'd think you'd be familiar with the rules, but alas, an attempt by us to explain the difference between when the drop fee is owed, and when it no longer applies and a full tow fee does (Say, as in, hypothetically, we take your truck all the way BACK to impound? Maybe?) , seems to go right over your pea-brained head.
You also interject the same old tired and worn out arguments here, about you were just visiting your girlfriend who said you could park there, and that you were only there for maybe, MAYBE 2 minutes.... (again, just to load you up takes longer) and there weren't any signs saying you'd be towed (Once again, we encounter someone with the uncanny ability to be parked directly underneath a sign BOLTED TO THE WALL OF THE BUILDING and somehow not see it)
This one's even better because Eugene, the guy he's arguing with, is the guy who PUT UP THE SIGN a few months ago. In fact, Eugene had to go INTO the apartment and ask the very girlfriend this guy was visiting if she wouldn't mind moving her car for just a minute or two so he could swing his ladder and tools around without fear of accidentally dropping them and dinging up her paintjob.
SHE knows about the sign, so if she didn't warn you, shame on her. If you ignored the warning or didn't ask, then shame on you.
So, having entertained your arguments despite the fact they were fantasy, we cut to the chase, you have two options, pay $115 or get off our property.
Naturally, you decide on your own 3rd option.
"How about I just drive if off your truck?!" you ask/dare us.
We just laugh
"I'm serious! It's 4-wheel drive! I can get off!" you threaten
We just laugh some more. Yeah, "get off", You can "get off" right here buddy!
Eugene actually put his arms out, and palms up and says:
"Sir, WHERE, exactly, are you going to go? Your back tires are strapped down, the fronts are in my dollies, you are immobilized, trust me. Also, you can't go forward, there's a fence in the way, you can't back up, my tow truck is in the way, and you can't go left or right, there's other cars in the way. Basically, you've only got 3 inches of movement in any direction, and then you're gonna feel a thump. Besides, you try and get in that truck, by the time you're puttin' the key in the ignition, you're gonna be seein' nothing but gravel. The boom on this truck goes wayyyyy high up at full extension, clear over the roof in fact. Try anything funny, and I'll just stand you up on your front bumper"
'You can't do that! I'm calling the cops!" You declare, oh joy!
So a few minutes later, here comes Ossafer Friendly into the game. We greet him by name, which always sinks the hopes of those who call the police on us a bit. I guess they assume that if they just call 911 and scream "THIEVES!" at us, the dispatcher will send over a van load of SWAT guys to gleefully crush our faces into the ground beneath their jackboot heels with fascistic glee. Too bad for them it never quite works out that way.
"Hey Officer Friendly! How's you night going?" we ask
"I've had better, lemme go get this guy's story" he says as he wearily walks over to the aggrieved tow-ee. The nice officer listens patiently and then tells the guy he has two options, pay, or leave the property.
Truck guy is a bit taken back
"There isn't anything you can do!?"
"Nope" Says Friendly "This is a civil matter, if you don't like it, you can take them to civil court and sue them, but that's it."
"So I have to pay?"
"Yes, pay them, or leave, and make up your mind which it is, now please"
"Fine, I'll pay"
Officer Friendly must've been having a rough night, because then he kinda laid into our unlucky victim.
"I hope you're happy, wasting everyone's time like this. You could have been done with this and on your way 20 minutes ago, but then you had to go and call me, pull me over here, and now I've got an extra report and paperwork to fill out when I get back to the station at the end of my shift. And for what? Nothing. By the way, they told me you threatened to drive off the truck. I want to warn you now, if you HAD. it would be considered theft. That's a criminal matter and then I WOULD have done something, I'd be cuffing you on the ground right now."
Guy finally forks over a credit card and is, oddly enough, quiet and well behaved as we run it (right from the passengers seat of Eugene's tow truck, aren't them fancy new tablets we got great?!), clear it, unhook him and toss him back into circulation in the world at large.
Imagine what these people could accomplish, if they put that determination towards something PRODUCTIVE!
Now, for this evening's results in the Illegal Park-a-lympics, for those who don't want to wait for the tape-delayed airing. Warning, spoilers.
BRONZE
Again with the "I'm not from around here" argument?
Well, whatever city/country/planet/plane of existence you DO call home, I have only one question, how long has literacy been a capital offense there?
Because that sign you parked a mere 10 inches from that says "PERMIT PARKING ONLY VIOLATORS TOWED" should have told you everything you needed to know about why you SHOULDN'T have parked there.
"But we were right across the street!" you say? So what? Let me introduce you to a little thing I like to call "Irrelevancy", whatever you were doing, whomever you were doing it with and wherever you were doing it and wether or not you were naked at the time doesn't change the fact that you STILL parked without that permit you need to park here.
No permit? No parkin'
Ain't causality a bitch?
SILVER
Okay, I've said it before, but it bears repeating, my math skills are atrocious, and that's saying nothing of my skills at aftermath.
But, this was a no-brainer.
Consider the following givens for this particular problem.
VEHICLE SPOT TIME: 10:19
TRUCK ON-SCENE TIME: 10:39
TRUCK CLEAR TIME: 10:44
GREAT CAESARS GHOST! MY CAR'S GONE! REALIZATION TIME: 11:30
Got that?
Now add those up and the total elapsed time that you spent, at minimum, in a marked "15 minute loading/unloading only" zone with THREE signs marking it thusly, was 1 Hour, 11 minutes.
It was probably even longer since I doubt we saw you there the very instant you parked, so feel free to add an additional "X" minutes where "X" is your choice of from about 10 to 20 depending on how generous you want to be with your rounding.
That's a tad longer than you're allowed there, sport.
Of course, your first argument upon calling us was "I Was Only there 3 minutes!"
Uh, yeah. Might we point out to you it took longer than that to even start and finish LOADING the car?
I mean, why'd you even TRY that lie? We point-blank asked you, you didn't have an answer. It's like, lets say the cops just dug up 30 bodies in your backyard, each with a piece of cutlery, coincidentally missing from YOUR kitchen knife block, jammed through their skulls, and you only admit to killing the first one..... The rest? You haven't a clue how they got there.
Uh huh, likely story.
Look Son, If you're going to lie, at least do some QC on the lie you intend to tell.
I am actually almost willing to condone dishonesty in this case because I'm THAT irritated by the laziness on display.
I don't know what infuriates me more about you. That you are willing to lie your way out of the situation, immediately, with no moral reservations, or that you can't even tell a good lie right out of the starting block.
Here's a hint if you want to be a good liar, start little and work up from there, you've got a long way to go before I'd trust you lying for something REALLY important, like when the SEC chairman sits you down in front of a congressional committee and asks you exactly where that unaccounted for $15 million went.
Here's a tip, start with "The Dog ate it" not "Zebras ate it".
GOLD
Well, I'm not the IOC, so I can't award you a medal for your efforts in what was, by my estimate, the 400 meter dash, as that's about how far you chased the tow truck, all the way back from where you got towed to our impound lot, on foot and were actually close enough behind him that you ran INTO the impound before our driver could get the gate shut.
Now the fun begins
Firstly, you declare you "ain't payin' s*it" and intend to get your truck (Which is still hooked up to OUR truck, by the way) and leave without paying.
Uh, pass on that idea, buttercup. You owe us $115 first.
You refuse to pay that on the grounds that last time we towed you, you only owed us $65.
Ah, a repeat customer eh? You'd think you'd be familiar with the rules, but alas, an attempt by us to explain the difference between when the drop fee is owed, and when it no longer applies and a full tow fee does (Say, as in, hypothetically, we take your truck all the way BACK to impound? Maybe?) , seems to go right over your pea-brained head.
You also interject the same old tired and worn out arguments here, about you were just visiting your girlfriend who said you could park there, and that you were only there for maybe, MAYBE 2 minutes.... (again, just to load you up takes longer) and there weren't any signs saying you'd be towed (Once again, we encounter someone with the uncanny ability to be parked directly underneath a sign BOLTED TO THE WALL OF THE BUILDING and somehow not see it)
This one's even better because Eugene, the guy he's arguing with, is the guy who PUT UP THE SIGN a few months ago. In fact, Eugene had to go INTO the apartment and ask the very girlfriend this guy was visiting if she wouldn't mind moving her car for just a minute or two so he could swing his ladder and tools around without fear of accidentally dropping them and dinging up her paintjob.
SHE knows about the sign, so if she didn't warn you, shame on her. If you ignored the warning or didn't ask, then shame on you.
So, having entertained your arguments despite the fact they were fantasy, we cut to the chase, you have two options, pay $115 or get off our property.
Naturally, you decide on your own 3rd option.
"How about I just drive if off your truck?!" you ask/dare us.
We just laugh
"I'm serious! It's 4-wheel drive! I can get off!" you threaten
We just laugh some more. Yeah, "get off", You can "get off" right here buddy!
Eugene actually put his arms out, and palms up and says:
"Sir, WHERE, exactly, are you going to go? Your back tires are strapped down, the fronts are in my dollies, you are immobilized, trust me. Also, you can't go forward, there's a fence in the way, you can't back up, my tow truck is in the way, and you can't go left or right, there's other cars in the way. Basically, you've only got 3 inches of movement in any direction, and then you're gonna feel a thump. Besides, you try and get in that truck, by the time you're puttin' the key in the ignition, you're gonna be seein' nothing but gravel. The boom on this truck goes wayyyyy high up at full extension, clear over the roof in fact. Try anything funny, and I'll just stand you up on your front bumper"
'You can't do that! I'm calling the cops!" You declare, oh joy!
So a few minutes later, here comes Ossafer Friendly into the game. We greet him by name, which always sinks the hopes of those who call the police on us a bit. I guess they assume that if they just call 911 and scream "THIEVES!" at us, the dispatcher will send over a van load of SWAT guys to gleefully crush our faces into the ground beneath their jackboot heels with fascistic glee. Too bad for them it never quite works out that way.
"Hey Officer Friendly! How's you night going?" we ask
"I've had better, lemme go get this guy's story" he says as he wearily walks over to the aggrieved tow-ee. The nice officer listens patiently and then tells the guy he has two options, pay, or leave the property.
Truck guy is a bit taken back
"There isn't anything you can do!?"
"Nope" Says Friendly "This is a civil matter, if you don't like it, you can take them to civil court and sue them, but that's it."
"So I have to pay?"
"Yes, pay them, or leave, and make up your mind which it is, now please"
"Fine, I'll pay"
Officer Friendly must've been having a rough night, because then he kinda laid into our unlucky victim.
"I hope you're happy, wasting everyone's time like this. You could have been done with this and on your way 20 minutes ago, but then you had to go and call me, pull me over here, and now I've got an extra report and paperwork to fill out when I get back to the station at the end of my shift. And for what? Nothing. By the way, they told me you threatened to drive off the truck. I want to warn you now, if you HAD. it would be considered theft. That's a criminal matter and then I WOULD have done something, I'd be cuffing you on the ground right now."
Guy finally forks over a credit card and is, oddly enough, quiet and well behaved as we run it (right from the passengers seat of Eugene's tow truck, aren't them fancy new tablets we got great?!), clear it, unhook him and toss him back into circulation in the world at large.
Imagine what these people could accomplish, if they put that determination towards something PRODUCTIVE!
That's all I need to hear to make sure I park in the right place.
IT'S AN ARGABARGA POST!! 
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