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Warning: language ahead!
It seems like every day here in satellite TV tech support land my customers get stupider and ruder. I could write a post every day but I'm so used to it now that I just cry in my extra caffeinated coffee and take solace in the fact that I don't give a fuck about any of them.
But this weekend, not one but two over the top entitlement whores crawled out of Satan's lair and landed right on my phone line, just to make me hate humanity that much more.
The first one we'll call The Cuntessa, so named because she makes all lesser bitches kneel in awe before her. The Cuntessa won't lower herself to scream or swear at you - no, she wants to eat your self worth for breakfast with a side of bacon.
The Cuntessa calls and in response to my polite 'how are you today?' with a snarled 'awful thanks to your terrible service!' Sadly, this is the way that about 50% of my customers respond to that question, so not really unusual. Turns out The Cuntessa states her tv is broken because it says no signal. You know, that message that your tv shows you when you turn your bluray player off before you switch it back to cable/tv/satellite, whatever. Happens all the time, and it's easy as hell to fix. You take a remote and press the input button until you get the right one. (you all would not believe -ok yes you would- the amount of people who can't do this).
So I ask The Cuntessa to get her tv remote and that right there is high drama. How dare I ask The Cuntessa to soil her almighty fingers with peon's work when I should have apparated right to her side, fixed her settings, and then peeled grapes and waved fans at her all day? This simple request brings a tirade of verbal abuse down on my head. How dare I be so rude and insulting as to ask her to find her TV remote? Don't I know she's been in the hospital and don't I understand that she has a TV remote but how can she possibly be sure it's the right one, and I clearly don't understand what her problem is, and shouldn't be working in this field and on and on...
When she takes a breath I ask to press the input button and her menu comes up but the concept of pressing the arrow key down a few times to select AV1 is completely beyond her. All the time she's ranting about how she's been in the hospital and she's so ill and in so much pain and for most people, I'd feel extremely sorry for them. But she is far too precise, too calculating, and takes too much glee in her insults for me to believe she's in so much pain that she can't help herself. She's also going on and on about how I am an awful, inconsiderate customer service agent for making her do this and she can't get out of bed because she's SICK, dammit! Well, at what point did I ask you to get out of bed, you screeching harpy? All I wanted to do was have her press a button so she could have her TV back on tonight.
Well, fuck me for speaking. She went on a rampage at that, with a very cold, calculating type of tone that tells me she's done this a lot. She demanded to know my level of education so that she could talk down to my level (yes, she actually said that). She said that I was terrible at my job and obviously did not have the skills to help her. I may have said something like 'ma'am I have been trying to help you' but mostly I was done with her at that point. I let her bitch and then she tells me she needs my supervisor, who'd better have a higher level of intelligence than me.
I could not wait to transfer her, but of course the first thing our customer assistance person asks me is why didn't I offer her a service call? (This from management who is always bitching and complaining that we send out too many unneeded service calls). I told him because I wasn't sending someone out to press a button on a remote. He then took the call. She waited on hold all of a minute and she was already going off on us when I went back to her about how she was about to hang up because we had a '60 second time limit' in her mind and how the supervisor better not waste her time, blah blah blah.
I checked back later and apparently the other agent couldn't get The Cuntessa to press a button either, because she got a service call for two days from now. All to press a fucking button on her remote, we're going to waste our time and resources and God knows how she'll treat the tech. Corporate, please tell me again how catering to these assholes makes us money in the end?
The worst part is that somewhere in her rantings she told me that she has cancer and the first thing I thought was that it couldn't happen to a nicer person. I swear to God, I used to have a soul. (and I just had a cancer scare too; I'm not trying to make light of her suffering, if indeed it was true).
I'll try not to make this next story as long. This just happened today and while most things roll off my back this woman had me literally shaking with rage.
We'll call this lady Cruella.
Cruella calls up and frostily informs me that she has our extended coverage for her laptop and as such, we will be replacing it for her. Immediately. Now. *fingersnap*
Oh, no can do, Cruella. First, we have to register your laptop, as our team of highly trained psychics has yet to pluck the make, model, and system specs out of thin air. Second, we have to troubleshoot.
Cue screech of disbelief and horror. She has to give us information? We don't just know everything? The nerve! When she was sold this plan no one told her we're not omnipotent! But after much muttering and sighing she ponies up the info and our brief troubleshooting consists of me asking her a few questions and determining her laptop is overheating and needs service. So I explain to her that we will send her out a prepaid box to ship it, then we repair it and send it back or replace it if we can't.
To put it very mildly, Cruella did not take this well. What is this 'repair' of which you speak? You mean, for the grand price of 19.99 per month you don't just let customers call you about unregistered products and, upon your almighty say so, shell out replacement products left and right? Because it's just good customer service to send out brand new laptops to every single person who calls up and tells us they need one, yes?
I hadn't even gotten to the part about where she pays a one time $50 deductible. She lost her shit completely. Now Cruella is calling me from a ritzy area of the country and it's extremely unlikely that she can't afford $50, but like many a tightwad, overpriviledged, no Halloween candy giving well to do miser, she isn't going to part with a single red cent if she can bitch and moan her way out of it.
So I'm treated to a litany of complaints: I am a scam artist, we sold her the plan to make commission (off of 19.99 a month? Okaaaay...), our whole company is run by thieves and liars, we misrepresented the plan (no she didn't read the terms and conditions...why should she have to read?) and on and on and on.
Let me break this down. She pays 19.99 a month. In return, she actually thinks that anytime she calls us and says her tv, laptop, computer, router, 3d glasses, tablet, etc, etc broke that we should just put a brand new one in the mail for her. No deductible, no attempted repair or even proof that the defective product exists, we should just take her word for it. And we're the scammers?
Then she tells me that she wants to cancel the plan and we have to give her alllll her money back, plus we still have to replace her laptop free of charge. Hell to the NO. I told her I will cancel her plan and give her two months of the fees back (policy) but nothing more. This enrages Cruella to the point of an aneurysm and she tells me how dare I talk to her like I have some authority when all I am is 'the girl who answers the phone'. Exact quote. This is the part that really made me wish so bad that I didn't need this job because there is nothing more that I wanted at that moment then to tell this bitch what I thought of her.
Instead, I just acted very calm and sweet like I always do when they get like this. It's the only comeback I can give, acting like I don't give a fuck at all what they've said and I will go on having a sunshiney day. This never fails to piss them off even more; I swear, it ruins their day when they can't make someone cry.
She also demanded a supervisor. I was extra sick of her so I didn't even bother to call anybody, I just told her someone would call her back in 24 hours. In a just world, the supervisor will realize what she wants is absolutely insane and tell her to piss in the wind, but knowing my company, they'll crawl up her ass and then apologize for being there.
ARRRRRGGGGGHHH. OK, I feel a little better now that I've ranted but I could still use about ten strawberry margaritas.
It seems like every day here in satellite TV tech support land my customers get stupider and ruder. I could write a post every day but I'm so used to it now that I just cry in my extra caffeinated coffee and take solace in the fact that I don't give a fuck about any of them.
But this weekend, not one but two over the top entitlement whores crawled out of Satan's lair and landed right on my phone line, just to make me hate humanity that much more.
The first one we'll call The Cuntessa, so named because she makes all lesser bitches kneel in awe before her. The Cuntessa won't lower herself to scream or swear at you - no, she wants to eat your self worth for breakfast with a side of bacon.
The Cuntessa calls and in response to my polite 'how are you today?' with a snarled 'awful thanks to your terrible service!' Sadly, this is the way that about 50% of my customers respond to that question, so not really unusual. Turns out The Cuntessa states her tv is broken because it says no signal. You know, that message that your tv shows you when you turn your bluray player off before you switch it back to cable/tv/satellite, whatever. Happens all the time, and it's easy as hell to fix. You take a remote and press the input button until you get the right one. (you all would not believe -ok yes you would- the amount of people who can't do this).
So I ask The Cuntessa to get her tv remote and that right there is high drama. How dare I ask The Cuntessa to soil her almighty fingers with peon's work when I should have apparated right to her side, fixed her settings, and then peeled grapes and waved fans at her all day? This simple request brings a tirade of verbal abuse down on my head. How dare I be so rude and insulting as to ask her to find her TV remote? Don't I know she's been in the hospital and don't I understand that she has a TV remote but how can she possibly be sure it's the right one, and I clearly don't understand what her problem is, and shouldn't be working in this field and on and on...
When she takes a breath I ask to press the input button and her menu comes up but the concept of pressing the arrow key down a few times to select AV1 is completely beyond her. All the time she's ranting about how she's been in the hospital and she's so ill and in so much pain and for most people, I'd feel extremely sorry for them. But she is far too precise, too calculating, and takes too much glee in her insults for me to believe she's in so much pain that she can't help herself. She's also going on and on about how I am an awful, inconsiderate customer service agent for making her do this and she can't get out of bed because she's SICK, dammit! Well, at what point did I ask you to get out of bed, you screeching harpy? All I wanted to do was have her press a button so she could have her TV back on tonight.
Well, fuck me for speaking. She went on a rampage at that, with a very cold, calculating type of tone that tells me she's done this a lot. She demanded to know my level of education so that she could talk down to my level (yes, she actually said that). She said that I was terrible at my job and obviously did not have the skills to help her. I may have said something like 'ma'am I have been trying to help you' but mostly I was done with her at that point. I let her bitch and then she tells me she needs my supervisor, who'd better have a higher level of intelligence than me.
I could not wait to transfer her, but of course the first thing our customer assistance person asks me is why didn't I offer her a service call? (This from management who is always bitching and complaining that we send out too many unneeded service calls). I told him because I wasn't sending someone out to press a button on a remote. He then took the call. She waited on hold all of a minute and she was already going off on us when I went back to her about how she was about to hang up because we had a '60 second time limit' in her mind and how the supervisor better not waste her time, blah blah blah.
I checked back later and apparently the other agent couldn't get The Cuntessa to press a button either, because she got a service call for two days from now. All to press a fucking button on her remote, we're going to waste our time and resources and God knows how she'll treat the tech. Corporate, please tell me again how catering to these assholes makes us money in the end?
The worst part is that somewhere in her rantings she told me that she has cancer and the first thing I thought was that it couldn't happen to a nicer person. I swear to God, I used to have a soul. (and I just had a cancer scare too; I'm not trying to make light of her suffering, if indeed it was true).
I'll try not to make this next story as long. This just happened today and while most things roll off my back this woman had me literally shaking with rage.
We'll call this lady Cruella.
Cruella calls up and frostily informs me that she has our extended coverage for her laptop and as such, we will be replacing it for her. Immediately. Now. *fingersnap*
Oh, no can do, Cruella. First, we have to register your laptop, as our team of highly trained psychics has yet to pluck the make, model, and system specs out of thin air. Second, we have to troubleshoot.
Cue screech of disbelief and horror. She has to give us information? We don't just know everything? The nerve! When she was sold this plan no one told her we're not omnipotent! But after much muttering and sighing she ponies up the info and our brief troubleshooting consists of me asking her a few questions and determining her laptop is overheating and needs service. So I explain to her that we will send her out a prepaid box to ship it, then we repair it and send it back or replace it if we can't.
To put it very mildly, Cruella did not take this well. What is this 'repair' of which you speak? You mean, for the grand price of 19.99 per month you don't just let customers call you about unregistered products and, upon your almighty say so, shell out replacement products left and right? Because it's just good customer service to send out brand new laptops to every single person who calls up and tells us they need one, yes?
I hadn't even gotten to the part about where she pays a one time $50 deductible. She lost her shit completely. Now Cruella is calling me from a ritzy area of the country and it's extremely unlikely that she can't afford $50, but like many a tightwad, overpriviledged, no Halloween candy giving well to do miser, she isn't going to part with a single red cent if she can bitch and moan her way out of it.
So I'm treated to a litany of complaints: I am a scam artist, we sold her the plan to make commission (off of 19.99 a month? Okaaaay...), our whole company is run by thieves and liars, we misrepresented the plan (no she didn't read the terms and conditions...why should she have to read?) and on and on and on.
Let me break this down. She pays 19.99 a month. In return, she actually thinks that anytime she calls us and says her tv, laptop, computer, router, 3d glasses, tablet, etc, etc broke that we should just put a brand new one in the mail for her. No deductible, no attempted repair or even proof that the defective product exists, we should just take her word for it. And we're the scammers?
Then she tells me that she wants to cancel the plan and we have to give her alllll her money back, plus we still have to replace her laptop free of charge. Hell to the NO. I told her I will cancel her plan and give her two months of the fees back (policy) but nothing more. This enrages Cruella to the point of an aneurysm and she tells me how dare I talk to her like I have some authority when all I am is 'the girl who answers the phone'. Exact quote. This is the part that really made me wish so bad that I didn't need this job because there is nothing more that I wanted at that moment then to tell this bitch what I thought of her.
Instead, I just acted very calm and sweet like I always do when they get like this. It's the only comeback I can give, acting like I don't give a fuck at all what they've said and I will go on having a sunshiney day. This never fails to piss them off even more; I swear, it ruins their day when they can't make someone cry.
She also demanded a supervisor. I was extra sick of her so I didn't even bother to call anybody, I just told her someone would call her back in 24 hours. In a just world, the supervisor will realize what she wants is absolutely insane and tell her to piss in the wind, but knowing my company, they'll crawl up her ass and then apologize for being there.
ARRRRRGGGGGHHH. OK, I feel a little better now that I've ranted but I could still use about ten strawberry margaritas.
and a shoe leather enema. Nah, forget that, just send them both through 
and use their toxic remains for pesticide.
We would have had a Rule 1 violation on our hands, and my boss doesn't wanna have to replace any more monitors today (the 50-ish inch TV/secondary display on the layout computer just went belly up this morning)...
Especially since her name is similar to the first harpy.
I don't play D&D, but I do write, and the idea of an abysmal person like The Cuntessa inspiring a completely awesome fictional counterpart has made the whole experience possibly worthwhile. 
I'd laugh harder if there's any chance she actually really will have to pay for it. She won't. *sigh* At least I'm not the one who set up her service call, so I won't get blamed for it.
) elderly woman who everyone else had refused to help, because it was almost impossible to get her to follow instructions. I figured I needed some good karma. It was slow going, but in the end we got her TV working and she was so happy she almost cried. The kicker?
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