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The Tow Files: The Winter of YOUR Discontent!

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  • The Tow Files: The Winter of YOUR Discontent!

    "Spring" semester started here this month, and, considering the balmy 6 degree nights, I'm having a hard time NOT either laughing, crying, or turning homicidal at that revelation.

    Meanwhile, on the towing front, people are as bound and determined as ever to stick it to DaMan (tm) and find some way, ANY way, to avoid playing life by the rules everyone else follows.

    Well, it's 2015, meet the new boss, same as the old boss.......... and away we go.

    A Glitch in the Matrix

    That's the only way I can explain the "1" on that permit turnin' itsself into a "0" like that, specifically, it was now good until "02-20-15" (Allegedly)

    Couple problems there, chief.

    First: The secretary that issues these does NOT denote the months like that. She uses only single digits until she hits October, and then (und only zen!) does she go to two digits. So while "02" is technically the correct way to express February, it's NOT the standard way it's done 'round these parts, cowpoke.

    Second: Going in for a closer look revealed just what I suspected. That "0" was really a "1" that was force-fed until it fattened up a bit. Since the original "1" was formed from a solid downstroke, your attempt to elongate it made it look more like the letter "D" or a flat tire being rolled up a wall... you get the picture, or maybe you didn't since you kept going at that point.

    And Thirdly: The need to change the last 2 digits from "14" to "15"? Well, that went about as silky-smooth as squeezing a constipated pachyderm while gripping it from the rear... While some numbers lend themselves easily to fudging ("1" into "3" and "4" is fairly common, but "8" gets a lot of screen time here, as you can make a convincing eight out of, 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,9 AND 0....) there's really no way to overwrite "4" into "5" without, well, butchering it.

    And this guy was no different.

    So, what was originally 12-20-14, became 02-20-1BLACK SWIRLING HOLE OF DOOM.

    That earned your car a free trip to the auto-pokey.

    Upon pickup, you didn't argue, or protest, in fact, you made the very astute observation: "Man, you guys must make bank doing this for a living".

    Do tell.... do tell. Never coulda guessed that.

    Us Dirty No-Goodniks Have Been up to it Again!

    Our nefarious scheme to defraud poor college kids out of their hard-earned cash and spend our weeknights playing poker with our ill gotten gains while lighting our cigars with those crisp $100 bills fleeced from their pockets was going swimmingly...

    Until that blasted HERO turned up!

    See, he KNEW we had done something uncouth, for he HAD A PERMIT in his car that we had simply IGNORED! And towed him anyway!

    Finding this chain of events highly unlikely, we invited the do-gooder into the impound and told him if he could show us where said visible permit was that we'd paid no heed to while twirling our moustaches and adjusting the brims of our black top hats whilst sneering at the young ladies across the way... he could have the car back. On the house.

    Our intrepid righter of wrongs looked everywhere... checked all the windows, checked his mirror, looked on top of all the seats, looked EVERYWHERE we could have looked and yet could not locate his permit either.

    He then opened the driver's door, popped the center console, rustled through several stratums worth of paper and pulled out the permit...

    Well, that's not doing anyone any good hidden in there? Is it?

    He the dramatically wheeled to face us and demanded "Unhand her! Dan Backslide!!!" No, wait, that's not what he said, he said: "What's the big idea of breakin' into my car and hiding that there?!"

    *loud organ chord*


    Curses! Foiled again!

    At least that's what we WOULD have said, had this fellow's proposed explanation for how that permit got in there born any passing resemblance to, oh, I dunno, REALITY?

    As it was, we told him to go back up front and pay, since we hardly need to be villains to tow people. Normal folk do a good enough job of running afoul of the law all by themselves, thank you very much. No external villainy is needed.


    Release the Hounds!

    And now the FUN begins. With a new semester starting, we were called upon by Global Domination Reality to show their tenants that the big phone-book sized rental contract they signed was going to be enforced to the letter, including the parts about parking on their property without buying a permit from them.

    To be good sports about it, they had us warn their lots for 3 days that towing was imminent. By my rough estimate, the paper industry saw a 20 cent increase in stock value as an entire forest worth of wood pulp was expended on "you will be towed" warnings that were, unsurprisingly, ignored. By my rough estimate, I issued about 200 of them, on just my shift, let alone everyone else....

    So, if you came out of your apartment, and saw a slip of dayglo paper on your car that said

    "WARNING: YOU MUST OBTAIN AND DISPLAY A VALID GLOBAL DOMINATION REALITY PERMIT IN THIS VEHICLE. FAILURE TO DO SO WILL RESULT IN THE TICKETING/TOWING OF SAID VEHICLE"

    The smart thing to do would be, well, get a permit. And failing that, move somewhere else.

    Ah, but that's the EASY way out.

    And why follow the rules when you can BEND EM to your liking?

    Or try.... as these, ahem, "smart" people did.

    And YOU Got Into College? Part I

    You tried to park at "Property A"?

    With a permit for "Property B",that you HAD to know was different, even though the permits are identical between them (same reality conglomerate), after all it's on the OTHER side of the street, and two doors down?

    AND did it with LAST YEARS permit?

    AND did it despite the fact that permit had been crumpled/balled up and tossed in the trash before you realized, wait! This has potential! And salvaged it? And you didn't even ATTEMPT to iron out ANY of those creases? Making it look like a $5 bill that went through the washing machine?

    AND you didn't try to finagle the numbers? YOu just left them as-is?

    Even the ones that CLEARLY said "EXPIRES 12-31-14" on the bottom?

    *sigh* *facehoof*

    You know, I'd normally say "nice try",

    But then I remember: Technically, the attempted launch of Vanguard T-V3 in 1957 was a "nice try" too...... youtube it if you want a totally accurate allegory of how this attempt at skirting the rules went for him.

    And YOU Got Into College? Part II

    Note on a car, in a lot, a lot where it doesn't have a permit to be:

    DO NOT TOW!!!
    I don't have a permit for here, but I was already towed once last night!
    Don't tow me again! I'll get a permit later.
    Call XXX-XXXX if you have any concerns

    Actually, I don't have any concerns, but I do have a question... several questions.... but I think your parents are the ones I should be asking them of... if THEY don't have the answers, they're the ones who probably know where those child psychologists' records are filed away, and I'd really love to know when you first started exhibiting this lack of problem-solving and inability to detect cause-and-effect.....

    Incidentally, they never did get a permit. But they haven't been back since tow two either.

    And YOU Got Into College? Part III

    Another note, quoth:

    DO NOT TOW!
    Lost my permit!
    Oh, well, now that I've read YOUR declaration, please take note of mine:

    DO NOT CARE!
    Lost my patience!

    And YOU Got Into College? Part IV

    So, despite 3 warnings you'd be towed, you got towed. (on account of an expired permit, ran out in 12 of 2014, three weeks ago)

    And it took you 2 days to realize you got towed.

    So you owed us quite a pretty penny, tow plus storage.

    And as soon as you got your car out of hock, what did you do?

    You went RIGHT BACK to where you got towed from, and did not get a permit, you instead put your receipt for your tow under your windshield wipers.

    Huh?

    Talk about non-sequitur

    "I got towed, and here's what I paid"

    Was that supposed to make us take pity on you?

    Or show mercy?

    Or... well... I don't know exactly what that was supposed to do.? Was that some kind of purification rite? Or were you trying to ward us off like waving garlic in front of a vampire? You might as well have stood on a street corner somewhere with a flaming pineapple in one hand and mumbling an incantation you thought you once heard being played backwards in a heavy metal music video for all the good that cryptic message would do you, keeping your car from being towed again. (and it was)

    You, of course, complained that "we just towed you yesterday" Whereupon we reminded you, as was clearly stated on the receipt, that we towed you TWO days ago. And furthermore, it doesn't matter when your last tow was, you STILL don't have a permit.

    "Yeah, I'm not getting one this semester" you then retorted. As if it should have been self evident.

    Oh, well, that changes........... exactly NOTHING.

    We're going to just keep towing you, and towing you, and towing you, until you GET one, regardless of what your plan was. Which was apparently just "Grow bigger balls than they have"

    Son, you got a long way to go in that department, we've faced down guys a lot meaner and with a lot more on them than the two ball bearings you've got by comparison down there. Trust me.

    And YOU Got Into College? Part V

    You parked......

    .... on a sidewalk.

    And left a "do not tow" note, in both the FRONT and BACK windshields.

    That is all.
    - They say nothing good happens at 2AM, they're right, I happen at 2AM.

  • #2
    I will never, never, never get the logic behind the "No Tow PlZ Guize!" notes. Like you're just gonna see that and go "oh, well, this guy REALLY doesn't want to be towed so I'll just leave his car alone."

    The world does not work like this, and it makes me sad that people insist on behaving as though it does.
    Patient has severely impacted cranial rectosis. There's probably no cure. - Overheard in ER

    Comment


    • #3
      I wonder how people get into college, too. Apparently they left notes on their high school finals which said, "DON'T FAIL ME, didn't have time to study!"
      Replace anger management with stupidity management.

      Comment


      • #4
        Quoth notalwaysright View Post
        I wonder how people get into college, too. Apparently they left notes on their high school finals which said, "DON'T FAIL ME, didn't have time to study!"
        Dang, wish I'd thought of that.

        (as a joke, not a way into college)
        - They say nothing good happens at 2AM, they're right, I happen at 2AM.

        Comment


        • #5
          The most I could understand the Do Not Tow thing is if somehow one didn't have a cell phone and they went to get gas/arrange a service to show up to help. But it's hard to figure who doesn't have even a basic cell phone anymore. Even my grandparents and their siblings do!

          Comment


          • #6
            Quoth notalwaysright View Post
            I wonder how people get into college, too. Apparently they left notes on their high school finals which said, "DON'T FAIL ME, didn't have time to study!"
            Or they asked for extensions claiming that they had flat tires.

            Off-topic, but I love your avatar. Are you promoting Jabberwocky by any chance?
            The best professors are mad scientists! -Zoom

            Now queen of USSR-Land...

            Comment


            • #7
              Do you think they pay Global Domination with "do not charge me rent" post-its?

              *robs bank while wearing "Do Not Arrest" hoodie*
              This was one of those times where my mouth says "have a nice day" but my brain says "go step on a Lego". - RegisterAce
              I can't make something magically appear to fulfill all your hopes and dreams. Believe me, if I could I'd be the first person I'd help. - Trixie

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              • #8
                Man, next time I'm having trouble with the bills I'll just send the power company a note saying "Do Not Bill Me."

                Or this:

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                Patient has severely impacted cranial rectosis. There's probably no cure. - Overheard in ER

                Comment


                • #9
                  Quoth Argabarga View Post
                  You, of course, complained that "we just towed you yesterday" Whereupon we reminded you, as was clearly stated on the receipt, that we towed you TWO days ago. And furthermore, it doesn't matter when your last tow was, you STILL don't have a permit.

                  "Yeah, I'm not getting one this semester" you then retorted. As if it should have been self evident.
                  Obviously not a math or business major, is he?
                  "Crazy may always be open for business, but on the full moon, it has buy one get one free specials." - WishfulSpirit

                  "Sometimes customers remind me of zombies, but I'm pretty sure that zombies are smarter." - MelindaJoy77

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Quoth notalwaysright View Post
                    I wonder how people get into college, too. Apparently they left notes on their high school finals which said, "DON'T FAIL ME, didn't have time to study!"
                    Interestingly on at least one test I've sat, we were told that ANY message to the markers would result in an instant 0.
                    How ever do they manage to breathe for themselves without having to call tech support? - Argabarga

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Quoth Seanette View Post
                      Obviously not a math or business major, is he?
                      Are you kidding?! He'll probably become a Wall Street CEO.
                      They say that God only gives us what we can handle. Apparently, God thinks I'm a bad ass.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Quoth fireheart View Post
                        Off-topic, but I love your avatar. Are you promoting Jabberwocky by any chance?
                        Duh, it's going to revolutionize the way we do business. On another side note, maybe everyone knew this, but did you know Jabberwocky is a nonsense poem written by Lewis Carroll? That show worked on so many levels.
                        Replace anger management with stupidity management.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Quoth notalwaysright View Post
                          On another side note, maybe everyone knew this, but did you know Jabberwocky is a nonsense poem written by Lewis Carroll?
                          That's what I thought fireheart was referring to.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Quoth siskaren View Post
                            That's what I thought fireheart was referring to.
                            Although I've never read Alice in Wonderland, I have seen the tv show Better off Ted, and there is an episode called Jabberwocky. The main character "steals" some money (I believe he was going to give it back) and has to cover it up on the fly, so he claims it's for the Jabberwocky project. Nobody wants to admit that they don't know what it is, so he ends up doing a presentation about absolutely nothing. An example:

                            Business is changing; Changing at the speed of information. Whoever adapts first wins - in order to compete we Innovate; in order to Innovate we redefine; and how do we redefine? With a New Definition!
                            Replace anger management with stupidity management.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Quoth TimmyHate View Post
                              Interestingly on at least one test I've sat, we were told that ANY message to the markers would result in an instant 0.
                              I wonder what sort of messages were passed to the markers to bring this about?
                              "I don't have to be petty. The Universe does that for me."

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