Absolutely mortified

[mathnerd]

I'm putting this in sightings because it doesn't really fit anywhere else, as the suck came from the cashier, and not from another customer.

So the last few weeks have been pretty stressful for me and my family. It's been nearly soul crushing. I went to the store today to get some treats for my kids; stuff I normally wouldn't buy, and stuff that is most definitely non-essential. The state had given me a (very) small amount of cash (having to do with what's going on around here) and, since I already get food stamps, it was loaded onto my EBT card. I was using that cash to pay for what I got.

So, the cashier was having trouble with the computer. That's not a big deal. What was a big deal is that she shouted across the store, to another cashier 3 registers down "I can't get the EBT cash benefit to work". I looked at her, then looked around me, and I saw several people looking at what I was purchasing and rolling their eyes. Not that it's any of their business what I was buying (some soda and snack crackers), or why I was buying it (because the kids have been through hell and deserved a small treat, dammit!), but I nearly started crying right then and there.

Now, I admit maybe I wasn't very nice in my response. I looked at her and said "you really shouldn't have done that. I've never been so embarrassed in my life" with a pretty upset tone in my voice, though at a normal, inside volume. In her defense, she did look like she felt bad when she realized what she had done, but geesh! Use some discretion!

I went out to my car, composed myself, drove home and called the store. The manager I spoke with was actually there, and apparently tried to chase after me to apologize, but I was so mortified that I wasn't aware. She was extremely apologetic and said that she's been wanting to do a sensitivity type training with the entire front end staff, as it's not something that they normally get, and that this incident might be enough to convince the upper management that such things are needed. But, at the very least she'd have a chat with that cashier. I'm good with that.

But still, that really was one of the most mortifying experiences of my life, and I'm not easy to embarrass. In the end, I'm glad it was me, and not some person who wasn't so thick skinned.

[notalwaysright]

Being on EBT myself, I really hate when cashiers do that. I've mentioned before that at a couple stores I have to tell the cashier that it's EBT, and some repeat "on EBT" back. Thanks.

I've noticed a strange guilt, not associated with being broke, but of what I'm buying. I really do make most of my meals at home, regardless of my fast food post. I eat pretty well, and cheap. I don't take advantage of the benefits. But I will occasionally buy something not so great, and am self-conscious about it. Like once I was signed up to bring punch to a party, and that needed soda. I will admit that before this whole ordeal, I might have been more judgy, and would not have considered my feelings bad or wrong. Now, however, if I had heard this called across the store, I would not have even looked at your purchase. Shame on that cashier!

Question for my own curiosity. I have only ever noticed younger cashiers doing this, do you remember if it was a young person? I'm wondering if it's a generational thing... Like now people don't feel the stigma as strongly? FYI, I'm 28 and feel it, but not bad unless attention is called.

[mathnerd]

She was an older lady; maybe around 55 or so, but obviously new to the job (she had to look up all the produce numbers for the order in front of me), and then having computer problems on top of that was just probably enough stress that she didn't even think about the ramifications of shouting something like that across the store.

I'm very happy with the manager's response to try to use this situation to get upper management to approve sensitivity training. If my embarrassment can save others, then I'm okay with it.

[Aragarthiel]

I'm having a problem with this now. With the way our bills are lined up, we'll have to pay for our daughter's entire first birthday on EBT, then use the money we freed up (that won't be available until afterwards) to finish our grocery shopping. I feel so bad about it, but we usually buy AT MOST two junk food items with EBT every month. The only exception was three days after my daughter was born, when our card was loaded, and my mom took me to get a whole bunch of frozen meals to last until I got the hang of things. Hubby had to go back to work the day after she was born and it's hard to make meals to freeze beforehand if you don't have the money to buy the food to do so.

That cashier probably just wasn't thinking. I'm sure she feels bad about it, probably because she might be using EBT herself.

[bainsidhe]

I think you handled it pretty well, otherwise the cashier and manager wouldn't have responded that way. On the cashier side, it's pretty easy to start treating EBT as simply another form of payment. At least now the cashier will consider a bit more before announcing a customer's payment type.

And I just want to say that neither you, nor anyone else who is or has been on food benefits, needs to justify your purchases to this board. It's easy to judge another's purchase, but the truth is I don't know you or your situation. And as a cashier, I'm much more concerned about whether a customer is polite and kind, than about what they're buying. Just saying.

[Bright_Star]

Why be ashamed to be on EBT? In these trying times, a lot of families simply don't have any choice but to be on it. Without it, they'd go hungry.

[mathnerd]

It's not that I'm ashamed to be on EBT. I do need it to feed my family. Right now, I look like I'm doing fine, but things are really tight. Here's what the outside world sees:

-I live in a 4700 square foot house
-I carry a Coach purse
-I have an iPhone 6 Plus and all three of my kids have iPhone 5s's.


Here's what they don't see:

-The house is owned by my boyfriend, who bought it 20 years ago when he was a highly paid pharmaceutical researcher. He's since been laid off and is living off his savings. I live off SSI and child support. Together, we're barely making ends meet.
-The coach bag is 14 years old.
-The phones are upgrades that didn't cost me anything. The original phones were provided by the carrier for a program for people who are in my specific circumstances. PM me if you're interested, but I'm not going to announce it in public.

Additionally, BF and I both drive cars that are older than 10 years. Mine is a 2005 and his is a 2000. We are both mechanically inclined, so we are able to keep the older cars on the road without paying a lot in mechanics' bills. We are also both reasonably skilled in home repair, so we can handle much of what goes wrong with the 55 year old house ourselves (just today we were digging around the crawl space under the house to deal with a blocked pipe that drains the washing machine).

I NEED that extra help in the form of food stamps. Without it, we'd be going hungry. I do, however, feel a strong sense of responsibility to spend federal and state money wisely. I also think that much of my embarrassment had to do with the reactions of the people around me. I don't think I'd have been as embarrassed if I was spending food stamps instead of cash benefit, or if I was buying something that wasn't junk.

As a pretty determined and independent individual, I struggle with feelings of failure for not being able to provide for my family without help. Intellectually, I realize I'm in a nearly impossible situation. I've got two kids with major medical disabilities and a third child with major emotional issues. My husband left me when I was pregnant with the youngest, and until a year ago, I was doing this completely on my own. I left a beloved teaching job to take a corporate job with more flexibility in order to attend to the medical needs of my children, but in the end, even that wasn't enough. With the amount of time I spend taking kids to doctor's appointments, therapy, and sitting through surgeries and hospitalizations, I'm just not able to hold down a traditional job. But still, I feel like a failure.

To have people look at me and judge me because I made a decision to buy a small treat for kids who have been through the wringer recently was difficult. I'm a pretty strong person, but it was enough to upset and embarrass me. If it had happened a few years ago, when I first had to go on government benefits, I would have been a much uglier scene. People are sensitive about things like this. Yes, everybody needs help now and again, but it doesn't make it okay for other people to announce that to the world.

In the end, this post is all about venting. I'm very happy with the outcome of my chat with the store management. She recognizes the need for training that the company doesn't provide its front end staff, and she's working to correct that. Really, that's all I could ever hope for.

[notalwaysright]

It's not that I'm ashamed to be on EBT.

I do, however, feel a strong sense of responsibility to spend federal and state money wisely.

This. In my area there is a bit of a bad vibe toward students receiving EBT benefits. These people think that students are just "milking" the system, and that it's just lazy kids wanting everything handed to them. (They still have to qualify, but I won't get into that) I have been told that I look like I'm in my early twenties, so I look like a typical student at the university. I am a student, but not at that college.

I also try to get good quality food, and some people get huffy about that. The mentality of some is "you're eating better than me because you receive extra money for nothing." When in fact I painstakingly plan my budget so I can buy good food. I don't feel bad unless it's announced, and then I feel like I'm being scrutinized, whether I am or not. Another thing, it's bad when a cashier loudly announces "you card was declined!" I have in the past had issues with my card and I remember thinking that it was very nice of them to say it quietly, but I've heard other cashiers not so nice. Once to my mom, and she was not happy.

[Aragarthiel]

I also try to get good quality food, and some people get huffy about that.

It's always the same people who say "Don't get junk food with my tax money, but don't eat healthy either."

[MoonCat]

It's always the same people who say "Don't get junk food with my tax money, but don't eat healthy either."

This!

I always figured it made more sense for people getting these benefits to buy healthier food. But it doesn't bother me if they sometimes want to buy chips or pop or whatever. Everybody needs to enjoy themselves once in a while.

As for people judging others, they should remember that it wouldn't take much to put them in the same position. Health problems, a company going bankrupt, a natural disaster, or whatever, and it could be them getting those dirty looks.

[raudf]

It's not so much the cashier's suck, like you said, she was having problems and probably got fixated on that and didn't stop to think. Happens to the best of us. May the talk might remind her to think a bit before she speaks, but don't hold it against her too badly.

It's the other customers being judgmental asses. They aren't your parents, or doctors, nor are they paid to take care of you, so what business is it of theirs to roll their eyes? You buy what you want on that and sots to them. They should be thanking their lucky stars that they have never been in the position to need SNAP (food stamps new name), not judging people who do.

People like this irked me as a cashier and still do to this day, sorry.

[Aragarthiel]

As for people judging others, they should remember that it wouldn't take much to put them in the same position. Health problems, a company going bankrupt, a natural disaster, or whatever, and it could be them getting those dirty looks.

And it would be even worse, because they would still have their fancy phones, expensive clothes, and expensive sports cars. For a while, anyway.

[Slave to the Phone]

I'm glad that you feel better about it now. Kids absolutely deserve to have a treat now and then. If you were feeding them "junk" everyday, I might feel a little judgey, but I'd never actually say anything AND it wouldn't be because of how you were spending your EBT money, but because that's a good diet for anyone and the eating habits one develops as a child will last a lifetime.

I donate pet food to Meals on Wheels. Sometimes a pet is the only thing that gets an old, sick person out of bed. I don't tell anyone why I just bought a bunch of pet food because it really makes me mad to hear people say "poor people shouldn't have pets". They are as bad as the ones who say "if you can't feed them, don't breed them" about children. Jerks!

[registerrodeo]

When I first left my ex husband, my daughter was 16 months and I moved from his state back to PA. While I had a job that I had started the day after I moved back I didn't have insurance and ex didn't either so I had to apply for state insurance for her. The case worker also got me food stamps because I literally had no cash on hand (every penny was spent to leave) and he wouldn't work/pay support. I didn't get a whole lot and I shopped very carefully at the neighborhood Foodland which was a fairly cheapo store. After 3 months, they dropped the amount down because I was finally getting slightly ahead with my full time job. I went grocery shopping one Saturday about 5 months after I had moved so it was March. I had gotten my income tax (ex let me have the whole thing, not much but it helped) so instead of using what was my last month of food stamps and deciding to hang onto them I used cash. Had about $150 worth of stuff, cashier (a miserable old hag I usually tried to avoid) rings me up, gives me my total and I pulled out my bank card to pay (and had used it before there for non food purchases) and this woman loudly announces to the crowded close quartered front end "I need to see ID for that because you always use food stamps" I stood there with my mouth hanging open, the people behind me are staring, the people in the aisles on either side are staring..she was that fucking loud. I finally after about a minute of shock took my daughter by the hand, took my debit card from cashiers hand (she was just holding it like it was a piece of steaming dog shit) and I walked out. Just left a cart of bagged groceries unpaid for in the aisle and I walked the fuck out. I had to stand outside for a minute to catch my breathe and stop myself from crying when a woman tapped me on the shoulder. It was the lady who was checking out the same time as myself one aisle over. She took my hand and said "what a bitch, good for you for walking out", gave my hand one last squeeze and walked away. What was a proud moment of not having to rely on food stamps because I was making it on my own turned into one of the most embarrassing moments of my life. I did not shop there for 2 years until the bastard owner, who sided with the cashier when I called to complain, sold it.

[bainsidhe]

I don't tell anyone why I just bought a bunch of pet food because it really makes me mad to hear people say "poor people shouldn't have pets".

Wait a minute. People have actually commented like that about your donation to help people/pets in need?!

Upsetting as those comments may be for you, it says more about the other person than it does about you.