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    1. I honestly don't care why you need to do a withdrawal, unless it's like some extreme amount you are wiring to Nigeria. $300 for weekly groceries I could care less about. Or I don't care about your aunt twice removed's step-son who needs to borrow $10 and you swear he will pay you back so you want to get out $30. The $20 being for you, of course, so you can get gas for your clunker and maybe also a pack of smokes... How about $500, 30 for Sue, 50 for your sister you owe money to. $250 for rent (btw do you have room mates because I want to know where you rent that is CHEAP! or maybe I don't.), money for food, gas...oh wait you wrote that wrong because you needed $600 let's start over...

    2. Ignorance or fear are no reasons to not attempt to try to fill out your paperwork. i.e. deposit slips/withdrawal slips. How about: "I don't want to, I feel lazy." Sad, start writing buddy.

    3. Bring your account numbers. This will help us find the right person and not have to guess and hope for the best, especially when you send a buddy to do a deposit and they know jack and we can't share with them jack. I will not be responsibly for a mistake when I am trying my best. (You're lucky, most banks won't let you do squat unless you have your number(s), ours in nicer than that.)

    4. Surprise, surprise: No one gets money for free and for unknown reasons. Yes, these checks are fake. Please stop crying, they often pray on the people who need the money. Please don't tell me you already sent the items or God-forbid the car title.

    5. Yes, I need an I.D. No really. I need to be sure I am giving your information to you and not strangers and thieves. No, So-And-So is not here today and can't I.D. you. People are allowed time off sometimes you know. Just give me your I.D. to see for 10 seconds and I can help you. Protect yourself, don't rely on others and hopes and dreams etc

    6. You want to know your current balance and you don't know your account number or anything that's been going on on the account to identify yourself over the phone? Geez, I feel a migraine coming on.

    7. Yes, when I ask for an I.D. your drivers license does qualify.

    8. The blank lines there on the withdrawal form are REQUIRED, not just for decoration.

    9. I swear, you only need to hit the call button in the drive through once. Give us more than 2 seconds to respond.

    10. If you need something, please hit the call button or send the canister in. Don't just stare at us from your car and expect us to realize you need help. And please don't claim you were ignored and no one would help you.

    11. Sometimes technology doesn't work or needs to be updated. If you don't have your account information with you, don't get mad when on Saturday our tech people are running an update that took our master system down so I can't look you up the long way via name. Get your shit together and take care of yourself for once. Drive off in a huff screaming at your children because you are mad at the bank. Excellent parenting and example.

    12. SC: WHERE IS MY MONEY!!!ELEVENTY!! I HAD MORE THAN THIS YESTERDAY!!! WHAT DID YOU DO WITH MY MONEY??(Just walked up the window and started screaming this. No name, account information, or a hint at identity)
    Me: Well, if I could get your account number we could look it up and take a look at it.
    SC: Well, there is NO WAY my account is this low. Someone is taking my money!!! (scrambles for account info, I.D. etc)
    Me: (confirming information, printing off account transactions to look at with customer because I help a few hundred people in an average day, and I don't know what is going on with every account every second, God-forbid).
    SC: (showing customer transactions) What is this?!?!?! (casino gambling) Oh wait, I know what that is. Thank you bye.
    Me: (awesome)

    13. Ignore the sign that reads: "Stand here for next available teller", but we all know SC's don't read. Instead, walk up to a window where no teller is and hasn't been all day and wait like an idiot (next window please sign or not) OR better yet, stand right behind a total stranger way too close for comfort. I'm sure you would be totally okay with someone doing that to you.

    14. Go ahead and say all your identifying information you think I need (I don't) including your social security number, account number, home address, date of birth, etc very loudly. I am sure no one out to no good or tempted right now would ever use that information of yours for themselves. That only happens on tv.

    15. Bring your hearing aide, turn it on and have a good battery in it. I am having to SCREAM at you and people are staring.

    16. Banking paperwork, no matter what it is, is legally binding and has writing involved. Bring your damn glasses. Half the people I help in a day tell me they forgot their glasses and need me to fill our their paper work. Sure, I wish I were a bad apple and slipped in a few extra dollars on papers I fill out and people sign, blindly. Stupid. Bring your damn glasses. How are you driving or walking? How are you still alive?
    When it comes to getting things done, we need fewer architects and more bricklayers. ---Colleen C. Barrett---

  • #2
    Don't forget:

    -Yes, we do have the right to take your money if you default on a loan with us. It's called Right of Set Off and it's totally legal. If you don't want to pay your credit card/auto loan/line of credit, but your actual cash in a different bank.

    -Yes, it's perfectly legal for us to back out that deposit-in-error. It was never your money. A teller made a mistake. Tellers a human. It happens. Read all that paperwork we gave you when you opened your account and that we mail you from time to time when we update the disclosures. We said we would do it and we did. Actually, we said that you were obligated to report things like that, so if we really wanted to be assholes, we'd prosecute you for theft, but since we're not the assholes you think we are, we'll just take the money back, even if it means overdrawing your account.

    -Keep your damned receipts. Banks are run by humans and occasionally humans will make mistakes. If you have your receipt, we can correct the error in no time flat. If you don't, finding that $100 cash deposit among the other 52,875 $100 deposits that were made that day is going to take some time. We're not magicians.

    -There's no grace period on a line of credit, unlike credit cards. Interest starts accruing the day you take the cash advance. Yes, you owe it, and no we won't waive it.

    -Yes you have to pay the annual fee on the home equity line of credit. I can pull up an image of the documents you signed agreeing to pay it. Those documents are legally binding, which means you have no recourse. Yes, it's a very high annual fee. I wouldn't want to pay it either. That's why I don't have a HELOC with this bank; because I think the fee is too steep and won't pay it, thank you very much. I'll find another source of funding if I ever need one.
    At the conclusion of an Irish wedding, the priest said "Everybody please hug the person who has made your life worth living. The bartender was nearly crushed to death.

    Comment


    • #3
      A few more:
      - Dont try and guilt trip me into giving you a 'temporary overdraft'. I can see where your money went and it sure as shoot was not the grocery store. Telling me that I want your kids to starve is bull.

      - Dont call your government benefit your wages. Other than for the reasons that belong in fratching, if your asking us if money is in your account you need to be clear about what money it is.

      - If you see a transaction for 'XXX Enterprises' on your joint credit card, dont yell at us for approving a perfectly legal transaction. If its an issue, yell at your husband/wife/life partner/child for making the purchase.
      How ever do they manage to breathe for themselves without having to call tech support? - Argabarga

      Comment


      • #4
        - Don't get mouthy with the teller if there is a hold on the account, because you purchased gas and the station put the hold on it for a larger amount.

        Bank's website was down, so I had to call the bank to find out why my account was reading lower (via their automated phone service, which doesn't show anything that isn't posted) and found out about the hold. From the relief in the teller's voice, when I told her, "I figured that might be the case, thank you," she'd been chewed for those before. Seriously, it's not like the bank has control over it. It was replaced later that day by the actual amount, so no big.
        If I make no sense, I apologize. I'm constantly interrupted by an actual toddler.

        Comment


        • #5
          - Just because I work for the bank, that doesn't mean I have access to your accounts or the authority to give you financial advice. I'm there to make sure the bankers can do their jobs, but I can't actually do their jobs.

          - Just because you see people in the branch, that doesn't mean the branch is open. Most banks in the US are not open after 7 pm. The only teller that's available after closing time is the Automated Teller Machine.
          This site proves Corey Taylor right. Man really is a "four letter word."

          I'm now using my Deviant Art page to post my humor.

          Comment


          • #6
            Couple of addendums to 3:

            If its your account, bring ID so they can look it up. I'll admit to never having my account number with me, but i always fill out the slip sans account number, and give the teller my ID and bank card. Amazing how well that works.

            Also if you're sending someone, not only give them your account number, but remember they're limited in what they can do, typically deposit only, sometimes balance too, but that's about it without additional paperwork. Having been a courier, i've run into a few fun things with clients expectations.
            Seph
            Taur10
            "You're supposed to be the head of covert intelligence. Right now, I'm not seeing a hell of a lot of intelligence. Covert, overt, or otherwise!"-Lochley, B5, A View from the Gallery

            Comment


            • #7
              -If you only come into the branch once a year, I won't recognize you.

              -We're not actually required to remind you that you need to take your Required Minimum Distribution out of your IRA. We send letters and call you as a courtesy. Quit grumbling about having to come in to the branch once a year to sign for your distribution.

              -Your checking/savings account went below the minimum balance, so yes, you're going to have a fee. No, it's not just on the 1st that it has to be above the minimum. Look at the paperwork you probably threw away. It says "any day during the statement cycle".

              -Don't just walk into my office when my desk is covered with papers for another customer's account(s). Give me a chance to clear off my desk first. How would you like it if someone else was looking at your information?

              -I don't care how much your parent/sibling/child/best friend told you about their accounts with our bank. You are not an owner on the account, so I can't tell you anything. Even if you're the beneficiary on the account, I still can't tell you anything. It's not your account.

              -Similarly, I know that <sucky loan customer> has been bad-mouthing the bank all over town. I know they think we screwed them over. I can't tell you the bank's version of events, nor anything else about <sucky loan customer>. I can't even verify that they have/had an account with us. Yes, privacy laws suck sometimes.
              "I look at the stars. It's a clear night and the Milky Way seems so near. That's where I'll be going soon. "We are all star stuff." I suddenly remember Delenn's line from Joe's script. Not a bad prospect. I am not afraid. In the meantime, let me close my eyes and sense the beauty around me. And take that breath under the dark sky full of stars. Breathe in. Breathe out. That's all."
              -Mira Furlan

              Comment


              • #8
                Quoth raudf View Post
                - Don't get mouthy with the teller if there is a hold on the account, because you purchased gas and the station put the hold on it for a larger amount.
                And be glad the gas station didn't do a "one size fits all" hold - transaction limits for filling a semi are usually around $1000, so you wouldn't want THAT as a hold when you fill your subcompact.
                Any fool can piss on the floor. It takes a talented SC to shit on the ceiling.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Oh yes, I totally forgot about loans!!!

                  Yes! This!

                  Quoth TimmyHate View Post
                  A few more:
                  - Dont try and guilt trip me into giving you a 'temporary overdraft'. I can see where your money went and it sure as shoot was not the grocery store. Telling me that I want your kids to starve is bull.

                  - Dont call your government benefit your wages. Other than for the reasons that belong in fratching, if your asking us if money is in your account you need to be clear about what money it is.

                  - If you see a transaction for 'XXX Enterprises' on your joint credit card, dont yell at us for approving a perfectly legal transaction. If its an issue, yell at your husband/wife/life partner/child for making the purchase.
                  Quoth raudf View Post
                  - Don't get mouthy with the teller if there is a hold on the account, because you purchased gas and the station put the hold on it for a larger amount.
                  --- bless you

                  Yes. I was asked today about how Non-Profits work. I told them the basic stuff but they wanted legal advice. I am not a lawyer, so I had to repeat many times that they would have to at least contact an accountant and ask how the money side of things works at least in relation to taxes etc.

                  Quoth catcul View Post
                  - Just because I work for the bank, that doesn't mean I have access to your accounts or the authority to give you financial advice. I'm there to make sure the bankers can do their jobs, but I can't actually do their jobs.

                  - Just because you see people in the branch, that doesn't mean the branch is open. Most banks in the US are not open after 7 pm. The only teller that's available after closing time is the Automated Teller Machine.
                  Quoth Javarod View Post
                  Also if you're sending someone, not only give them your account number, but remember they're limited in what they can do, typically deposit only, sometimes balance too, but that's about it without additional paperwork.
                  Sorry to bust a bubble, here a person who is NOT on an account and can't prove they are gets nothing for privacy reasons. If your bank or financial place does, they are breaking privacy statutes.

                  Also, bring your account number. Trust me. Just have it somewhere somehow. It will help to prevent human error.

                  Yes. And for the clean desk, super yes!!

                  Quoth Ghel View Post
                  -Don't just walk into my office when my desk is covered with papers for another customer's account(s). Give me a chance to clear off my desk first. How would you like it if someone else was looking at your information?
                  Last edited by MadMike; 06-11-2015, 12:18 AM. Reason: Merged consecutive posts. Also, please don't quote the entire post. We've already read it.
                  When it comes to getting things done, we need fewer architects and more bricklayers. ---Colleen C. Barrett---

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Quoth catcul View Post
                    - Just because I work for the bank, that doesn't mean I have access to your accounts or the authority to give you financial advice.
                    OMG This. I work in insurance claims. I am actually legally prohibited from providing financial advice on a personalised basis. Dont ask 'should I cancel this?' 'should I take out this cover' 'is this a good deal?'
                    How ever do they manage to breathe for themselves without having to call tech support? - Argabarga

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Quoth TimmyHate View Post
                      OMG This. I work in insurance claims. I am actually legally prohibited from providing financial advice on a personalised basis. Dont ask 'should I cancel this?' 'should I take out this cover' 'is this a good deal?'
                      I worked in deposit operations, which is a back shop, non customer contact position. We only talked to other employees, which were mostly branch level bankers who were the ones working directly with the customers. Because of the nature of my job, I did have at least read access to pretty much everything. The bankers knew this. Sometimes it was a curse.
                      At the conclusion of an Irish wedding, the priest said "Everybody please hug the person who has made your life worth living. The bartender was nearly crushed to death.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Today: Had a mom and son circling an empty but occupied desk (occupant on lunch hour) while waiting for someone to help them with opening an new account. Now, we hide personal information and/or lock it up when leaving our work areas, but how do I know if they found something to spy on? I had to go tell them that we couldn't have them hovering around the center, yes center, desk because I wasn't sure what she had on it that could be viewable or not. Are people that dense they think that is okay??
                        When it comes to getting things done, we need fewer architects and more bricklayers. ---Colleen C. Barrett---

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          This whole post is awesome. Couple of additions:

                          -Don't plop down at an empty banker's desk to fill out your deposit slips. And don't use our phones without asking.

                          -Please stop with the awful jokes. We have heard them all. They are no longer funny (if they ever were). This includes, but is not limited to:
                          --Indicating that the bills you just gave me are fake.
                          --Asking for large bills for a $3 check
                          --Pulling into the DT and proceeding to order lunch over the speaker.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            I don't work in a bank, but here's some from observation. I used make payments to B of A. It had a branch with four drive through lanes, plus a drive up ATM, so five total lanes. There was a regular walk-up ATM on the other side of the building near the doors, for those who were willing to leave their cars. Here's what I saw/heard all the time:

                            -one car taking a hella long time at the drive up ATM, with cars lining up so far that they prevented cars from getting to the normal drive throughs.

                            (I could hear the people at the other lanes)

                            -People giving SS, and other personal info even though the teller did not ask for it.

                            -People who had incredibly complicated transactions, and should certainly have gone inside, because it was just stupid to try to do it over the intercom.

                            -People who were IRATE and chose to go through the drive through to scream at the teller from the safety of their car. If they acted that way inside the bank they would be escorted out by security.

                            -Similar to the last one, people who decided to dispute charges at the drive through. The have no other business, they just drove up to dispute an overdraft fee.
                            Replace anger management with stupidity management.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Thought of another one...

                              My business card says "Rhania506, Teller". If I had any type of decision making authority about costs, rates, fees, policies or laws, that title would be something much more impressive than "teller".

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