It's a f**king iphone!

[CrazedClerkthe2nd]

Attack of the drunks, part 1

I won't go into this call blow for blow but it was definitely the stuff of legend. One of my reps had been on the call for about 16 minutes and had gotten absolutely nowhere with this guy. She told me he was clearly inebriated. So I took over the call and boy was he ever. While we spoke he made the following claims:

- Said he was sitting on some kind of "equipment"
- Was convinced his roommate's laptop was interfering with his cell signal
- Referred to me as "Ralph" (note: my name is nothing even remotely close to that)
- When I asked how many signal bars were on his phone, he said 50
- Accused me of being a Texas Redneck. (I do not and have never lived in Texas)

He also kept changing stories about what the supposed issue was with his phone. I swear every time I attempted to clarify, it was something else. He must have gone through about six of them.

Finally, after I'd been on with him for 15 minutes and I warned him twice about his cussing, which he'd been doing between drunken rambles, he cussed me out again. At that point I politely told him I was disconnecting the call.


iSuck

Customer had just switched from iphone to Android. His Google voice had been setup a certain way on his iphone and he wanted that exact set up on his Android. After the rep told him several times that wasn't possible, he demanded to speak to me, obviously in hopes that I would wave my magic manager wand and make things work exactly the way he wanted...

SC: I don't understand why it doesn't work! Iphone...Android, they're pretty much the same right? They're just cell phones.
Me: Actually sir iphone and Android are VERY different. You see, android allows you to customize just about anything on the phone, iphone on the other hand is far more limited. That's why your voicemail worked differently on it.
SC: I don't understand.
Me: Think of it in terms of real estate deals. Deal #1: I sell you an empty piece of land and allow you to put whatever you want on it, no restrictions. Deal #2: I sell you a piece of land with a house on it. I tell you you can change the landscaping, enlarge the driveway and even repaint the house but the house itself MUST stay no matter what. In this analogy Android is the empty lot and Apple is the one with the house on it. Because the Google Voice app can be fully integrated in Android it can't be separated like it was on the iphone.
SC: So you're saying you can't fix my phone?
Me:
Me: No, I'm saying your phone isn't broken. It's working in the way it was designed to, which is different from the iphone.
SC: But you can't fix it?
Me: Again, technically nothing is broken but if you mean can I separate the voicemail for you like on the iphone then no I can't.
SC: So what can we do about this?
Me: Unfortunately nothing. As I said it's just the way the Android software is designed.
SC: So, can I get my old iphone back?
Me: Well you do still have an upgrade available on one of these lines so yes you could. It would cost you approximately--
SC: Stop.
Me: I'm sorry?
SC: Stop. It shouldn't cost me anything! I expect to pay for a phone that works. This phone doesn't work!
Me: Just because it can't do what you want it to doesn't mean it doesn't work.
SC: Unacceptable!
Me: I'm afraid you have no choice but to accept it. There's no alternative.
SC: Yes there is. Give me my iphone back and don't charge me a penny! In fact, I think I should get an iphone 6 because of all this.
Me: I can't authorize a free phone and there' s no way I can just give you an iphone 6, but we do have several affordable--
SC: NO!
Me: No?
SC: NO! No money, no cost. Send me a free iphone!
Me: No.
SC: DO IT!
Me: No.
SC: DO IT!
Me: No.
SC: This is horrible customer service! You suck! Your company sucks! Screw all you people! *click*

Hack this!!

Recently a flaw was discovered in the Android software that would allow a hacker to potentially gain access to a phone merely by sending it a corrupted multimedia message (MMS is the system that handles picture and video messaging). Our company, like the others, has been in the process of rolling out a software update to address the issue.

The very same day the reports hit the news I ended up on a manager call with some paranoid nutball of a man who demanded that I replace all SIX (yes, you read that right) of his Android devices with iphones that would be more secure.

You can't make this stuff up folks.

After I told him no, he demanded to speak to the President of the company. I firmly told him the executives don't take calls. He then demanded my manager. Sorry, he's gone for the night, strike two! Then he wanted our legal department. Well, actually they're closed too but here's the number. Have fun with that, buh bye now.

Attack of the Drunks part 2

SC: Is this T-mobile?!
Me: No, you've reached <Rec Checkmark>, are you a T-mobile customer?
SC: T-mobile?!
Me: Yes, that's what I asked, are you a T-mobile customer?
SC: Is this T-mobile?!
Me: No, this is <Red Checkmark>, is there anything I can help you with?
SC: Checkmark? What Checkmark?? I don't want a stinking Checkmark!
Me: I'm sorry sir?
SC: Is this T-Mobile?!
Me: Yes. *click*

I love that I get to hang up on people now.

Store Wars episode II: Attack of the tones

I took over a call from a very condescending store rep who was trying to make me send a customer a brand spanking new phone for a warranty claim. Not only that, he wanted me to give the guy a free upgrade too....

Me: If we're talking warranty, it's like for like. Upgrade? Well you should be able to go over his options with him in store.
SR (sucky rep): No. no. no. We're not going to be doing that today. Look, I already told this guy he's getting a phone. We need make this happen. Done deal.
Me: Excuse me?
SR: I already approved it. Check the notes.
(sure enough there are notes in the account approving a free upgrade)
Me: I see them, but that means YOU offered him this deal and therefore it's on YOU to honor in YOUR store using YOUR inventory.
SR: Not gonna happen.
Me: Well I'm not going to do it.
SR: Yes, you are.
Me: NO, I'm not. I don't know how you think this works but you need to re-read our policies again. We here at the call centers are under NO obligation to do something just because a store approves it.
SR: Look, the guy has been waiting almost 45 minutes, can we just please get him a phone. I already authorized it. It won't come back on you, don't worry.
Me: That's not the the point. Your approval means nothing to me. I can approve exceptions for customers but only if I feel the situation warrants it. What exactly happened that caused you to approve this upgrade?
SR: I'm not repeating the whole thing. The fact is, the guy needs a phone now can we please order him a phone. Preferably a Galaxy S6.
Me: I'm giving him a Galaxy S-anything until you give me more information.
SR: You don't need more information, I've already approved it.
Me: Not good enough.
SR: Good enough.
Me: NO, it's not.
SR: Come on man, I'm trying to help this guy out here. Just make this happen and I promise I'll make it worth your while.
Me: No.
SR: But he's been waiting almost an hour!
Me: And that's my problem how?
SR: I APPROVED IT! Just send the guy a phone!
Me: Can I have your employee ID please?
SR: *CLICK*

Gee, how about that? Fortunately Mr. Genius failed to realize that by leaving that BS "approval" in the system his ID was already on the account. Guess whose manager got a lovely email shortly after that call?

Take me out the ball game...

Strike 1: Demanding info on an account you cannot verify.
Strike 2: Demanding to cancel said account which you cannot verify and ARE not the account holder
Strike 3: Cussing like a sailor, despite me repeatedly telling you to stop.

YER OUTTA THERE!! *CLICK*

Did I mention I love hanging up on people?

[MoonCat]

Lovely! I only get to hang up on people if they use vulgar language and even then I have to tell them I'm going to do it.

The T-Mobile guy reminds me of the time my sister was working at a place that kept getting calls for E.F. Hutton. She got sick and tired of telling people they had the wrong number (and having them argue about it!) that finally, when someone asked "Is this E.F. Hutton?" she just said, "No it isn't" and hung up.

[notalwaysright]

SC: So you're saying you can't fix my phone?
Me:
Me: No, I'm saying your phone isn't broken.

Haha, you have the same conversation about phones as I often do about fabric! They want me to discount fabric, and I try to explain that it isn't damaged or flawed and they just repeat themselves. (lint won't get you a discount, since I will remove it with tape while you watch)

That store rep probably did something to piss the customer off, but instead of admitting it, he tried to placate him by offering a new phone. Once he was shut down, he had to either pay for the phone through the store or tell the custy no. Either way, pwned.

[Orgaloth]

IPhones are secure?!? Should have told him about icloud being hacked and that BlackBerry is the only phone to never be hacked.

[RealUnimportant]

iCloud was never hacked; guessing passwords isn't hacking. You can't stupid-proof everything...

I guess the guy switched to Android because it was cheaper, without looking at why!

[GOInsanity]

Give him an iPhone and then just keep sending that shut down text to him.

[dendawg]

BlackBerry is the only phone to never be hacked.

I think that comes down to popularity more than anything else. When macs were obscure, they were supposedly untouchable in terms of security. Enter a little more popularity, and BAM! Here comes the malware!

[An Haddock]

Me: I'm giving him a Galaxy S-anything until you give me more information.
SR: You don't need more information, I've already approved it.

These aren't the phones you're looking for. You can go about your business. Move along.

[Crossbow]

I think I would have hung up on the first guy when he insulted me by calling me a Texan.

(Just kidding. If you're drunk enough to mistake me for anything but the midwest Yankee that I am, I think you'll break the world record for Blood Alcohol Content...)


And for the guy that want's a secure phone? Sure. Here you go.

[mathnerd]

We have a phone just like that in my bedroom. Well, not exactly like that. It's red, not black. But it's the same model, and it works and is actually urged in to the landline and we use it to answer calls, though nobody has tried to dial out in years.

[mjr]

And for the guy that want's a secure phone? Sure. Here you go.

Two words: "Party Line".

[Jay 2K Winger]

I love that the OP now has authority to shut down sucktomers, entitlement whores, and mouthy pricks. Kudos to you!

We have a phone just like that in my bedroom. Well, not exactly like that. It's red, not black.

So when you pick up the phone, can you order the nukes to be dropped?

[Talon]

Me: No.
SR: But he's been waiting almost an hour!
Me: And that's my problem how?

Beautiful. To quote Spiderman, "I missed the part where that's my problem."

Gee, how about that? Fortunately Mr. Genius failed to realize that by leaving that BS "approval" in the system his ID was already on the account. Guess whose manager got a lovely email shortly after that call?

If only you could be a fly on the wall for that meeting?

[mathnerd]

So when you pick up the phone, can you order the nukes to be dropped?

Not *that* red phone.

[Jay 2K Winger]

Not *that* red phone.

Don't ruin my fantasies, mathnerd.

I want a red phone on my desk.

So it can match my stapler.

...it's a Swingline...