Psych Help from the Boss (Who I Don't Think Knew He Was Providing It)

[WishfulSpirit]

So, I have ADHD. Detail work is hard for me, and learning new, complex systems is also difficult. I work as a front desk clerk at a hotel, and have struggled to learn the guest management system and sometimes forget to check on vital, small details, like the room status at check-in or whether or not I closed out of a screen properly: the results are checking a guest into a dirty room or a guest walking into a room someone is already in.

My whole life, it’s been that way. I've always done my very best, first at school, then at my job, but it often isn’t enough. I’ve been flunked, I've been fired, I've called into the office more times than I can count or remember. I get a knot in my stomach every time I start feeling uncertain, knowing that I'm once again trying as hard as I can and still screwing up. It's an issue that haunts me, if not every day, at least every week.

Other than that, though, I love my work; as an extrovert who is naturally empathetic (sometimes to a fault), hotel work is a good fit for me. My boss and I think a lot alike when it comes to taking care of guests, he’s both caring and very good at administration (a rare combination in my experience).

Yesterday Bossman gave me some mental health insight, and I’m not sure he realized he was doing that. I made a detail mistake, and was upset about it. I told my boss that “just once, I’d like to NOT be the village idiot.” I was about to walk back to the desk when he stopped me. Looking me right in the eyes he gently but firmly told me “you can’t feel sorry for yourself. Learn and get better.”

I stopped short. I’d honestly never thought about it that way before, but he was right. My brooding on why I always have to screw up more than other people, why it has to take me so long to learn things, and why I always have to be the person everyone is patient with, is nothing but self pity. This is the hand I was dealt, and I have to play it as best I can. I can talk to my doctor, learn focus techniques, take vitamins and medications, but the end result is this is me. Brooding about the fact I was born with a disability isn’t going to change it; it just takes energy away from improvement.

That isn’t the type of psychological insight I expect from my boss, but it may change my life. If anyone else had said what he did, I might have gotten defensive, but I respect this man, his position means he instantly has my attention when he speaks, and there’s the fact that when the person who signs your paychecks says something, it pays to listen.

[Teysa]

Of course, I have no idea what you are like in real life, but from your posts, you are by no means the village idiot. On the contrary, you come across as quite intelligent. As for your issues, something a friend/co worker of mine with similar issues did was have notes everywhere to remind her to do certain things. Maybe you could do something like that. For example, you could put a note on your monitor saying 'Check Room Status First!!!' It can't hurt anyway.

[WishfulSpirit]

Awww thanks! I have good language skills but don't ask me to do math lol. Most of us at the hotel use sticky notes that we put on the desk in front of us, where we can see them but the guest cannot. I've done that with "check room status" and "make sure to save and close screens." It helps but I'm also looking into supplement options. Evening Primrose oil combined with fish oil and a vitamin B multivitamin supplement is supposed to be as effective as Ritalin.

My boss doesn't like to see a huge row of stickies, though, so I have a file on the computer with a to-do list for unexpected tasks that come up during the day and things (like guest requests) that I need to follow up on. I also work off a checklist (provided by management...we're actually required to use it...woot) for my every-day tasks, and that really helps me avoid forgetting something.

[notalwaysright]

A long time ago I had a scary strict ballet instructor. He was from Austria, and would mutter to himself in German. He was markedly more difficult than the other teachers at the studio. Finally he said to my class "I'm not correcting you because I'm angry! I'm correcting you to help you do well. If I ever stop correcting you it will mean I have given up."

So I do get having something really stick with you, because I remember that over 10 years later. And I honestly think it helps me not be too... sensitive to certain situations. Anyway, you have something big in your favor. While you might make mistakes, you clearly are trying as hard as you can. MOST people make just as many mistakes and don't even try to stop making them.

[Chazzie]

Something that my brother has been helping me with is the phrase "self compassion." every time I start berating myself (by saying I'm dumb or something like that) he IMMEDIATELY follows up with "forgive yourself."

I can't begin to describe how much that's been helping me, even when he's not around to remind me his words keep coming back every time I think something self-deprecating. I suggest you make it a habit as well, it does wonders for lowering anxiety and keeping a cool head about any situation. You're human. You're going to make mistakes. And that's okay. You'll learn much faster and have an easier time after you've forgiven yourself and given yourself less stress.

[Seshat]

Something that really helps me is to figure out what I'd say to someone else who'd made the same mistake.

It's no use to treat yourself worse than you'd treat a co-worker or a stranger. (I was doing that. I'd berate myself for a week over a trivial error.) Treat yourself at least as well as you'd treat a friend.


Checklist for mistakes:
1. Acknowledge the mistake. To yourself, to the person/people affected.

2. Attempt to correct the mistake. If it is correctable, great. If not, figure out the closest possible solution (or ask management).
Side note: if you have to ask management, it helps to have a proposed solution - even if they do something different, this shows that you TRIED.

3. Apologise for the mistake. To yourself, and to those affected.

4. Forgive yourself for the mistake. You are human, you're not God. Humans make mistakes.
Note: sometimes the person/people affected by the mistake won't forgive you. Too. Fucking. Bad. That's their problem, not yours.

5. Optional: provide additional restitution. (EG: a room upgrade, or a free meal at the restaurant, or whatever management would probably offer for the same level of mistake.)