DNH

[HotelMinion]

So the Job God has been spiteful. Still no job since the combo SC and BadBoss Attack has driven away my two jobs. I can take the SC Attack and Bad Boss Attack, but not the Combo. Thankfully my sis has paid me most the 1000s she owes me, so I'm not dumpster diving. for now. I'm in school in a training program, but it's only on the weekends.
I'm so bored!
After going on 10 to 100s (I believe) of interviews, I came to a conclusion: Employers don't WANT to hire. At all.

So this is a short list of a made up handbook that I believe they follow. Note: the below is supposed to be satirical, but it wouldn't surprise me at all if it were true. Id be more surprised to be told that the sky is blue and clouds are white.

The HR Handbook Revised 2016

1. Greet interviewee with a firm handshake. Is s/he sweaty? If so, Do Not Hire (DNH). Limp? If so, Do Not Hire (DNH). Smiley? (A sign of psychosis) If so, Do Not Hire (DNH). Doesn't smile? (A sign of unfriendliness.) If so, Do Not Hire (DNH)

2. Review interviewee's resume. Does s/he have a lot of related experience? (Suspicious.) If so, Do Not Hire (DNH). No experience? If so, Do Not Hire (DNH). We need people with a minimum of 20 years. It doesn't matter if you, your boss, or the CEO has less than that. The interviewee is the one that matters.

3. Gauge the interviewee's enthusiasm to work for the Company. If s/he seems really excited, Do Not Hire (DNH). Probably is a thief that's really excited to take all our loot. If s/he seems really unhappy, Do Not Hire (DNH). S/he will leave.

4. Does the interviewee have a misdemeanor or a felony? If so, Do Not Hire (DNH). Obvious. Does s/he have a clean record? If so, Do Not Hire (DNH). S/he is obviously lying, everyone and their mother has a record. No matter what the background checks say. They can make mistakes.

4. Look at body language. If s/he doesn't maintain eye contact at all times, Do Not Hire (DNH). Suspicious. If there is no smiling, Do Not Hire. If there's too much smiling DNH. If there's occasionally smiling DNH. Not worth the risk.

5. If interviewee asks too many questions, DNH. That's a sign of thievery. If no questions, that's a sign of indifference. If just a few questions, that's a sign of a liar. DNH

6. All the above is for any position, whether it be cleaning toilets, to CEO. A minimum of 15 references and 20 yrs or experience (see above) will be asked for. All references must answer promptly, and speak a clear tones, and be smiley over the phone. Otherwise DNH. again, it doesn't matter if you weren't hired this way. At all.

7. If potential employee is not hired, don't bother to let him or her know. She or he will probably hack all company's record. You must protect company at all costs. With your life. Or you're fired.

8. If she or he arrives promptly on time, DNH. Can we say desperation. Suspicious. If s/he is a few minutes late, DNH. If you are a few minutes late DNH. If you are more than an hour late, DNH. You are important more than s/he. And if s/he is a few minutes early, DNH. Can we say no respect for others time.

9. If s/he is somehow still hired, DNH. Unless s/he is friends with the president of the USA and the Queen of England, maybe. Maybe not. DNH.

/rant

Ah that felt good. Thoughts? Critiques?

[WishfulSpirit]

I think you may want to have your resume looked at and/or brush up on your interview skills. Getting consistent results from different places can mean there's something wrong you aren't aware of. Of course the job market could be tough in your area. You are doing SOMETHING right if you are even getting interviews. Maybe check with your local workforce center. They often have some great, free classes that will at least help with the boredom. You could also look into freelance, so at least you can say you were doing something while unemployed.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Some places require that a certain number of interviews be conducted before a hire is made. So while you are getting interviews, it may just be to fill a quota and they already know who they're going to offer the job to.

People keep saying employment is bouncing back but I don't see it, at least not locally. Still more people looking for jobs than there are jobs available. Of course, many of those job seekers can't pass a drug test.

[notalwaysright]

Yuck. I'd add, "Only offer part time work regardless of what the listing said, if interviewee questions this, DNH." And "Base the hiring decision completely on one arbitrary question which is unrelated to the job, which has no correct answer, just go with your gut feeling."

[WishfulSpirit]

I applied for two hotel jobs and got hired for the second. Maybe Denver is easier. That said it couldn't hurt to get some outside input. Nobody is perfect. HotelMinion PM me if you want some resume help, happy to do it.

[Ghel]

7. If potential employee is not hired, don't bother to let him or her know. She or he will probably hack all company's record. You must protect company at all costs. With your life. Or you're fired.

This is the one that bothers me the most about my own job search. Only one of the dozen or so banks I interviewed with even bothered to inform me that they'd picked someone else. Even after I followed up with the interviewer on the rest, the few who responded simply told me that they'd have to get back to me, then never did.

[Kogarashi]

I hate the "don't let them know they haven't been hired" bit either. I've thankfully only ended up with it at one place, mostly because I do follow-up calls a week or so after the interview if I haven't heard back sooner.

The one place in question was an on-campus job while I was at university, designing posters advertising what the campus's international cinema program would be showing during the semester. An ideal job for me, because I like graphic design. I got an interview and, I thought, did pretty well. They told me they'd call me back within a week.

The week passed by with no call-back. So I did a follow-up, as per my usual procedure. I got a very snarky person on the other end of the line who, when I mentioned I was just checking in on a job I'd interviewed for, sniped back, "We said we'd call you back," with the implication in the tone that I was stupid for not waiting until that mythical call back. I even explained that I'd been told "within a week" and hadn't received it, and they merely repeated in the same sniping tone, "We'll call. You. Back." I apologized for the misunderstanding, thanked them for the info, and hung up. I didn't make any more follow-up calls, figuring that if they called me back, great. If they didn't, well, I didn't want to deal with the grouch on the phone again and probably didn't want to work for a place that would grouch at a job applicant like that anyway.

No, I never actually got a call back.

[Teefies2]

. Of course, many of those job seekers can't pass a drug test.

And THIS right here is why my company is begging for workers.

I don't honestly know if there is ANY company these days that doesn't drug test. Hell, I'm on the short side of 60 and still expect to be drug tested. Yes I was part of the hippie generation, but that was a long long time ago, like 40 years. So, if you KNOW you won't pass a drug test, how about lay off the stuff long enough for it to get out of your system????

Who am I kidding? We sell so damn many of those "home drug tests" and most of the people buying them tell me their interview is "tomorrow".

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

This is the one that bothers me the most about my own job search. Only one of the dozen or so banks I interviewed with even bothered to inform me that they'd picked someone else. Even after I followed up with the interviewer on the rest, the few who responded simply told me that they'd have to get back to me, then never did.

Well yeah. Doing nothing conveys the same message as informing you you didn't get the job, but requires less work.

And THIS right here is why my company is begging for workers.

I don't honestly know if there is ANY company these days that doesn't drug test. Hell, I'm on the short side of 60 and still expect to be drug tested. Yes I was part of the hippie generation, but that was a long long time ago, like 40 years. So, if you KNOW you won't pass a drug test, how about lay off the stuff long enough for it to get out of your system????

Who am I kidding? We sell so damn many of those "home drug tests" and most of the people buying them tell me their interview is "tomorrow".

The swamp doesn't drug test. I'd suspect many, if not most, other big-box retailers don't as well. Hard to find employees when you don't get decent applications anyway because you pay so little and don't offer benefits, so why limit your options even more?

[CyberLurch]

The swamp doesn't drug test. I'd suspect many, if not most, other big-box retailers don't as well. Hard to find employees when you don't get decent applications anyway because you pay so little and don't offer benefits, so why limit your options even more?

It's actually a matter of expense. It costs money to send applicants to a tox screen - and most of the big-box retailers know that a fairly large percentage of their new hires won't last two weeks, for the very reasons you cite. In their eyes, it's money thrown to the wind.

A lot of fast-food places don't drug test either. For the same reasons.

[KuariKaydrith]

Surprisingly enough the security company I work for doesn't drug test. We should, of course, but we don't, and I have no idea why. I'm pretty sure it's assumed that as security we are expected to be drug free but I've dealt with guards from one of our other sites (not one of the ones I'm over) who were clearly on something and had a tendency to brag about it on FB. I have a feeling that it's due to the cost of the drug testing that we don't have mandatory testing in our company, but it really should be done so we can weed out the idiots -_-

[dalesys]

... can weed out the idiots -_-

I see what you did!

[HotelMinion]

I think you may want to have your resume looked at and/or brush up on your interview skills. Getting consistent results from different places can mean there's something wrong you aren't aware of. Of course the job market could be tough in your area. You are doing SOMETHING right if you are even getting interviews. Maybe check with your local workforce center. They often have some great, free classes that will at least help with the boredom. You could also look into freelance, so at least you can say you were doing something while unemployed.

I applied for two hotel jobs and got hired for the second. Maybe Denver is easier. That said it couldn't hurt to get some outside input. Nobody is perfect. HotelMinion PM me if you want some resume help, happy to do it.

Yeah I don't really have a problem getting interviews with my fantastic resume (eheh). I just don't interview WELL. To interview well you have to be a good actress (IMHO) and sell yourself WELL. I'm a horrible liar, and a terrible salesperson, and selling myself makes me feel like I'm a prostitute. I know it's not, but it makes me FEEL like it.
I'm trying to avoid hotel jobs TBH. Definitely not with Hellton Hotels. The only other is Mary Yacht, but they seem really alike to Hellton. Ugh.
I've gotten a job offer, but my school drove it away. All I need is a break and a stroke of luck to hit me. Well, I guess I'm just asking for good vibes my way and prayers. I'll need it in this sucky job market. :\

[wolfie]

but it really should be done so we can weed out the idiots -_-

Was that intentional?

[WishfulSpirit]

Don't know about everywhere but a major reason US companies don't tell people they haven't been hired is because we'll sue for anything. Didn't hire me? It must be because I'm <race>, <gender>, <orientation>, <short>, <tall>, have <haircolor>? Doesn't matter I showed up 45 minutes late, cussed out the interviewer, and had the resume of a serial killer, YOU'RE DISCRIMINATING AGAINST ME!