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Brace yourself, tis a long one....
Sound
Me: "Do you have a customer ID number?"
SC: "Uh…..uh……uh………..uh……uh…….uh……uh……..uh….uh……"
Me: "……."
-and that, ladies and gentleman, is what a "brainfart" sounds like.
Short Term Memory
Me: "Good evening, <company name>"
SC: "Hi…..er…..what did I just phone again?"
Hrm….it seems my words went in one ear, eluded the attempts of your tiny mind's cunning defensive line to tackle it, and sailed out the other ear. I guess that means I scored a touchdown? Somehow I don't feel to happy about it….but hey, I bet if I blew in one ear the other ear would whistle to stop the play.
867
Me: "What size would you like it in?"
SC: "Large."
Me: "and what colour?"
SC: "White."
Me: "Sorry, I don't have white in stock. I only have red."
SC: "Oh, forgot it then."
Ahhh….camouflage is it? Trying to elude the polar bears are we? Well, polar bears are cunning beasts. You have to confuse their nose as well as their eyes. A white jacket alone won't save you. Nunavut and specifically the area around your neighbourhood has a unique tundra you must seamlessly blend into if you want to escape these mighty hunters. A white jacket would be a good start, but you might want to sow a few empty beer bottles to it and maybe carry around a rusty fender from a 84' Datson pick up. That way when one of these cunning predators comes near, you can hit the snow and hide behind it. Thus seamlessly blending in with the rest of your backyard.
In fact, wear the jacket for several days first without bathing ( Not a difficult request I'm sure ). Its in your best interest to smell as much like raw failure as possible to confuse the bear's nose. If you can blend in with the latent aura of failure that hangs over your town like a viscous smog you'll be all but invisible to the great beasts.
Batman & Robin
( Name changed to a more amusing alternative )
Bob Dole (of <company> Realty) called to impart onto me the ballad of his life story and why he was no longer Bob Dole of <company> Realty but in fact now just Bob Dole. It seems <company> Realty kicked him out, thus depriving him of his superhero like subtitle. Now he is simply Bob Dole. A mere human without his former powers of showings, subject removals and leaving ugly signs in people's lawns. What happened Bob? Who did this to you? Did you lose your powers? Is there some sort of Realtor Kryptonite I'm unaware of? Do your powers wane if you don't get enough Starbucks?
Quick, tell me Bob! I can help! LET ME BE YOUR SIDEKICK! We can fight….uh…….empty rental space together!
( Bob Dole don't need this. )
The Wall
( Death, DEATH )
Me: "Good evening, <obviously computer related company name>"
SC: "Can I get a cab?"
Me: "You have the wrong number."
SC: "North shore cab?"
Me: "This is <company name>."
SC: "<company>? What's that?"
Me: "….you have the wrong number, alright?"
SC: "I just want a cab to 12-"
Me: "This isn't a cab company."
SC: "…uh….2nd"
Me: "This isn't a cab company, you have the wrong number."
SC: "I jus want a cab.."
Me: "You can wait there all you want, but no cab will be coming."
SC: "What?"
Me: "This isn't a cab company. I can't send you a cab, dude."
SC: "But I jus want a cab."
Me: "Well you have the wrong number, you can't get a cab from here. Please try elsewhere."
SC: "…but I need a cab at-"
Me: "Goodbye."
Jesus Christ in line at a Wal-Mart buying Preparation H in a chicken suit, what the hell do you want from me?! There is no cab, Neo. I do not own, possess, have access to nor can I locate a cab for you. Nor can I conjure, assemble, summon or somehow transform into a cab while making whirring noises with my mouth. There. Is. No. Cab. Here. You have dialed the wrong number. So very, very wrong. If this is the extent of your mental capabilities then life must be bleak for you indeed.
Why are you even calling for a cab at 4am anyway? What happened? Did you spend 3 hours arguing with a pop machine because it didn't dispense shoe laces? Where you trying to get a bank loan from 7/11? Sheesh, man. Normally, such determination is admirable. In your case its more of a hindrance to the human race as a whole
Snark
( Another of Kara's farkin' customers. >< )
SC: "Ya'll suck!"
Ya'll swallow.
House of Ill Repute
SC: "Do you have the whatchicalit listed?"
…no…or where you offering me an opportunity to fill I the blank at my discretion? Well, actually, to be honest there's probably a "Whatchicalit" in Las Vegas. However, its probably a completely different establishment then the one your attempting to locate. This is Vegas we're talking about after all. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas except if it starts to burn when you pee.
( Christ, I'm mean. )
The Man, The Legend
SC: "Can you take me off your mailing list?"
Me: "Sure, what's your name?"
SC: "Thanks, bye. <click>"
Considering how often this happens perhaps I should track down and round up all these people who seem to think me some sort of omnipotent psychic, gypsy or all powerful wizard then have them make me their king. Then I would be King of the….er……slackwits. Ok, scratch that. Perhaps it’s better to live on only in myth and legend.
Idle Hands
SC: "Let me push these buttons while I tell you."
Er, sure, you go right ahead there. Oh, could you be a dear and push whichever one mutes irrelevant information for me? Kthxbye.
I'm Better then I Thought
Me: "Good evening, <company name>."
SC: "I paid my bill. 52 dollar."
Me: "Pardon?"
SC: "<Kara's company>! 52 dollar!"
Me: "What's the problem?"
SC: "Paid 52 dollar!"
Me: "…ok, I have that part…but what's the problem?"
SC: "52 dollar."
Me: "….right."
SC: "Yeah yeah. Ok, thanks. Bye!"
I'm not entirely sure what his problem was but apparently listening to my soothing, velvety soft voice has solved it. Go me.
Spitting in the Face of Logic
Me: "Good evening, <company name>."
SC: "I want to know why this number isn't in service!"
….you called a number to ask why the number your calling isn't in service? Logic didn't enter into the thought process at any point here did it? Or is this some sort of bizarre mental defense mechanism? I suppose having any sort of logic injected into your train of thought would derail it off the tracks, over a bridge, through a field of unsuspecting cows, across a busy interstate, through an orphanage during a birthday party and head on into a bus load of nuns on their way to a charity bake sale only to come to a rest half way through a chlorine factory upwind from an elementary school.
At least, that’s the sort of tragedy I picture would occur inside your head. But that’s just me.
Dealmaking
SC: "Can I just like go to the hotel for free then pay you back next week?"
For you? Anything! Is there anything else I can do for you? Lavender and jasmine oil massage? Foot rub? Need me to chew your food for you? Do you want to wear my underwear? ( I kept it warm for you. ). Oh, wait, I know! Judging by your speech pattern I know exactly what you need: A new liver. Go ahead, take it. Not like I use it for anything important.
Audio Bonus
http://www.customerssuck.com/media/g...r/theprank.mp3
At least he was honest.
Sound
Me: "Do you have a customer ID number?"
SC: "Uh…..uh……uh………..uh……uh…….uh……uh……..uh….uh……"
Me: "……."
-and that, ladies and gentleman, is what a "brainfart" sounds like.
Short Term Memory
Me: "Good evening, <company name>"
SC: "Hi…..er…..what did I just phone again?"
Hrm….it seems my words went in one ear, eluded the attempts of your tiny mind's cunning defensive line to tackle it, and sailed out the other ear. I guess that means I scored a touchdown? Somehow I don't feel to happy about it….but hey, I bet if I blew in one ear the other ear would whistle to stop the play.
867
Me: "What size would you like it in?"
SC: "Large."
Me: "and what colour?"
SC: "White."
Me: "Sorry, I don't have white in stock. I only have red."
SC: "Oh, forgot it then."
Ahhh….camouflage is it? Trying to elude the polar bears are we? Well, polar bears are cunning beasts. You have to confuse their nose as well as their eyes. A white jacket alone won't save you. Nunavut and specifically the area around your neighbourhood has a unique tundra you must seamlessly blend into if you want to escape these mighty hunters. A white jacket would be a good start, but you might want to sow a few empty beer bottles to it and maybe carry around a rusty fender from a 84' Datson pick up. That way when one of these cunning predators comes near, you can hit the snow and hide behind it. Thus seamlessly blending in with the rest of your backyard.
In fact, wear the jacket for several days first without bathing ( Not a difficult request I'm sure ). Its in your best interest to smell as much like raw failure as possible to confuse the bear's nose. If you can blend in with the latent aura of failure that hangs over your town like a viscous smog you'll be all but invisible to the great beasts.
Batman & Robin
( Name changed to a more amusing alternative )
Bob Dole (of <company> Realty) called to impart onto me the ballad of his life story and why he was no longer Bob Dole of <company> Realty but in fact now just Bob Dole. It seems <company> Realty kicked him out, thus depriving him of his superhero like subtitle. Now he is simply Bob Dole. A mere human without his former powers of showings, subject removals and leaving ugly signs in people's lawns. What happened Bob? Who did this to you? Did you lose your powers? Is there some sort of Realtor Kryptonite I'm unaware of? Do your powers wane if you don't get enough Starbucks?
Quick, tell me Bob! I can help! LET ME BE YOUR SIDEKICK! We can fight….uh…….empty rental space together!
( Bob Dole don't need this. )
The Wall
( Death, DEATH )
Me: "Good evening, <obviously computer related company name>"
SC: "Can I get a cab?"
Me: "You have the wrong number."
SC: "North shore cab?"
Me: "This is <company name>."
SC: "<company>? What's that?"
Me: "….you have the wrong number, alright?"
SC: "I just want a cab to 12-"
Me: "This isn't a cab company."
SC: "…uh….2nd"
Me: "This isn't a cab company, you have the wrong number."
SC: "I jus want a cab.."
Me: "You can wait there all you want, but no cab will be coming."
SC: "What?"
Me: "This isn't a cab company. I can't send you a cab, dude."
SC: "But I jus want a cab."
Me: "Well you have the wrong number, you can't get a cab from here. Please try elsewhere."
SC: "…but I need a cab at-"
Me: "Goodbye."
Jesus Christ in line at a Wal-Mart buying Preparation H in a chicken suit, what the hell do you want from me?! There is no cab, Neo. I do not own, possess, have access to nor can I locate a cab for you. Nor can I conjure, assemble, summon or somehow transform into a cab while making whirring noises with my mouth. There. Is. No. Cab. Here. You have dialed the wrong number. So very, very wrong. If this is the extent of your mental capabilities then life must be bleak for you indeed.
Why are you even calling for a cab at 4am anyway? What happened? Did you spend 3 hours arguing with a pop machine because it didn't dispense shoe laces? Where you trying to get a bank loan from 7/11? Sheesh, man. Normally, such determination is admirable. In your case its more of a hindrance to the human race as a whole
Snark
( Another of Kara's farkin' customers. >< )
SC: "Ya'll suck!"
Ya'll swallow.
House of Ill Repute
SC: "Do you have the whatchicalit listed?"
…no…or where you offering me an opportunity to fill I the blank at my discretion? Well, actually, to be honest there's probably a "Whatchicalit" in Las Vegas. However, its probably a completely different establishment then the one your attempting to locate. This is Vegas we're talking about after all. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas except if it starts to burn when you pee.
( Christ, I'm mean. )
The Man, The Legend
SC: "Can you take me off your mailing list?"
Me: "Sure, what's your name?"
SC: "Thanks, bye. <click>"
Considering how often this happens perhaps I should track down and round up all these people who seem to think me some sort of omnipotent psychic, gypsy or all powerful wizard then have them make me their king. Then I would be King of the….er……slackwits. Ok, scratch that. Perhaps it’s better to live on only in myth and legend.
Idle Hands
SC: "Let me push these buttons while I tell you."
Er, sure, you go right ahead there. Oh, could you be a dear and push whichever one mutes irrelevant information for me? Kthxbye.
I'm Better then I Thought
Me: "Good evening, <company name>."
SC: "I paid my bill. 52 dollar."
Me: "Pardon?"
SC: "<Kara's company>! 52 dollar!"
Me: "What's the problem?"
SC: "Paid 52 dollar!"
Me: "…ok, I have that part…but what's the problem?"
SC: "52 dollar."
Me: "….right."
SC: "Yeah yeah. Ok, thanks. Bye!"
I'm not entirely sure what his problem was but apparently listening to my soothing, velvety soft voice has solved it. Go me.
Spitting in the Face of Logic
Me: "Good evening, <company name>."
SC: "I want to know why this number isn't in service!"
….you called a number to ask why the number your calling isn't in service? Logic didn't enter into the thought process at any point here did it? Or is this some sort of bizarre mental defense mechanism? I suppose having any sort of logic injected into your train of thought would derail it off the tracks, over a bridge, through a field of unsuspecting cows, across a busy interstate, through an orphanage during a birthday party and head on into a bus load of nuns on their way to a charity bake sale only to come to a rest half way through a chlorine factory upwind from an elementary school.
At least, that’s the sort of tragedy I picture would occur inside your head. But that’s just me.
Dealmaking
SC: "Can I just like go to the hotel for free then pay you back next week?"
For you? Anything! Is there anything else I can do for you? Lavender and jasmine oil massage? Foot rub? Need me to chew your food for you? Do you want to wear my underwear? ( I kept it warm for you. ). Oh, wait, I know! Judging by your speech pattern I know exactly what you need: A new liver. Go ahead, take it. Not like I use it for anything important.
Audio Bonus
http://www.customerssuck.com/media/g...r/theprank.mp3
At least he was honest.
.
*joins GK fangirl line*
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