Hey everyone.
So yesterday while driving the shuttle van I cut a corner too close and whacked into another car. Nobody was hurt, and I was told the accident itself wasn't a big deal.
What was the big deal is right when I felt the impact, I had a flashback to the major car crash my husband and I were in that ended his career. I saw the windshield shatter, smelled the burning rubber, exc. Best I can tell, I was acting on autopilot, I have a vague memory of someone yelling, a vague memory of holding out a document. The first thing I remember clearly is being parked away from the scene and looking at the damage.
Here's where I made my mistake. I've had this kind of thing happen before, but only for a few seconds, and I thought it was just an "intrusive thought" that made me forget what I was doing and I was able to figure out what happened in those few seconds. I realized this time that what I experienced was a flashback and knew I couldn't ever tell anyone at work about that. I had to figure out what happened on my own.
I tried to piece together the story as best I could. My interpretation based on damage and my vague flashes of memory was that someone had hit me, yelled at me, and ran off, and that I needed to get out of there before that person came back, but I tried to downplay it so I wouldn't be perceived as an over-emotional lunatic. I didn't want my boss to think I was crazy. Bad things happen when you're boss thinks you are nuts. I lost a past job because of that.
Talked to a cop later in the day (while having a panic attack), was charged with careless driving (because the cop was merciful) and in the conversation, my lunacy came pouring out. I was given today off (I'm scheduled off tomorrow and the next day) and have been asked to "try to remember what really happened" but I can't. I will most likely have to go through this all again on Friday and then get shit-canned because to anyone who doesn't have my mental issues, I look like I am a liar who was trying to cover up an accident. I don't blame Bossman for thinking that.
I honestly don't care about being fired. It's happened before because of my fragile mental state. The issue is I feel I'm too screwed up to ever function in society and I don't want to keep fighting against my profound unfitness for the world. I don't know if I'm treatable. I don't want to find out. I want to take a nap on the train tracks, but I have a husband and a doggie who need me emotionally (even if I can't provide for them) and I can't just get it overwith. I'm also logging on to Crisis Chat periodically just to vent.
I've called my therapist and have an appointment. I'm hoping she can help me save my job so I don't have to disappoint my family again. I'm going to try to get a medical statement saying I'm ok as long as I don't drive and stay on a consistent schedule (lost last job due to them jerking my hours around and my ADHD making me constantly exhausted and unable to focus). But right now I just want to not exist anymore.
So yesterday while driving the shuttle van I cut a corner too close and whacked into another car. Nobody was hurt, and I was told the accident itself wasn't a big deal.
What was the big deal is right when I felt the impact, I had a flashback to the major car crash my husband and I were in that ended his career. I saw the windshield shatter, smelled the burning rubber, exc. Best I can tell, I was acting on autopilot, I have a vague memory of someone yelling, a vague memory of holding out a document. The first thing I remember clearly is being parked away from the scene and looking at the damage.
Here's where I made my mistake. I've had this kind of thing happen before, but only for a few seconds, and I thought it was just an "intrusive thought" that made me forget what I was doing and I was able to figure out what happened in those few seconds. I realized this time that what I experienced was a flashback and knew I couldn't ever tell anyone at work about that. I had to figure out what happened on my own.
I tried to piece together the story as best I could. My interpretation based on damage and my vague flashes of memory was that someone had hit me, yelled at me, and ran off, and that I needed to get out of there before that person came back, but I tried to downplay it so I wouldn't be perceived as an over-emotional lunatic. I didn't want my boss to think I was crazy. Bad things happen when you're boss thinks you are nuts. I lost a past job because of that.
Talked to a cop later in the day (while having a panic attack), was charged with careless driving (because the cop was merciful) and in the conversation, my lunacy came pouring out. I was given today off (I'm scheduled off tomorrow and the next day) and have been asked to "try to remember what really happened" but I can't. I will most likely have to go through this all again on Friday and then get shit-canned because to anyone who doesn't have my mental issues, I look like I am a liar who was trying to cover up an accident. I don't blame Bossman for thinking that.
I honestly don't care about being fired. It's happened before because of my fragile mental state. The issue is I feel I'm too screwed up to ever function in society and I don't want to keep fighting against my profound unfitness for the world. I don't know if I'm treatable. I don't want to find out. I want to take a nap on the train tracks, but I have a husband and a doggie who need me emotionally (even if I can't provide for them) and I can't just get it overwith. I'm also logging on to Crisis Chat periodically just to vent.
I've called my therapist and have an appointment. I'm hoping she can help me save my job so I don't have to disappoint my family again. I'm going to try to get a medical statement saying I'm ok as long as I don't drive and stay on a consistent schedule (lost last job due to them jerking my hours around and my ADHD making me constantly exhausted and unable to focus). But right now I just want to not exist anymore.
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