Ugh, this is SO frustrating ... (LONG and WORDY)

[Pixelated]

Brother is down for various reasons, and again we got onto the subject of the contents of Mom's house when it comes time to get rid of them. He said he's fine with renting a ginormous bin and just dumping EVERYTHING into it and carting it off to the dump.

Mom has some nice teak furniture, and she was always proud of it. Admittedly, it's not so fine anymore ... nothing would be after a couple of decades of cigarette smoke. But I'd still like to see if an antiques dealer or second-hand furniture dealer would be willing to take the stuff for a nominal sum (or even nothing at all) and clean it up and re-sell it. Ditto for the bedroom set in the 'guest' room. It isn't quite so saturated in cigarette smoke because the door was always kept closed ... but it still is definitely not smoke-free.

However, there's enough smokers in Hometown that the furniture could probably find a new home.

So what's the problem?

Sister.

I've written about this before, a couple of years ago, under my previous screen name. Sister "isn't comfortable" with getting rid of Mom's stuff while Mom is still alive.

I have no idea WTF is her problem. Mom is not coming home, ever, and at this point wouldn't recognize ANY of her "stuff" if it was set down in front of her. Sister is in the medical profession so she can't say she doesn't know how bad Mom's condition is.

I said to Brother that Sister seems to want some kind of Walton Family get-together, in which we three all get together to pore over Mom's belongings, exchange memories and so on.

Seriously?

Brother was getting a bit frustrated at this point (the discussion had been going on for some time) and said he doesn't have time to organize that get-together. I said yes, I knew that, but I've been here for FIVE years, Sister has been down for several visits (usually at the same time as Brother) and we could've at least made a head start on some of this stuff.

But she won't.

Brother did concede that by now, there's a good chance Sister will run out of time. If we get the call next week saying Mom has passed away in her sleep, the house will need to be dealt with quickly ... and if Sister can't make it down to sort through Mom's stuff ... too bad, so sad.

Because of my job problem (tea store is closing) I've spoken to Brother about helping me (financially) to move to his province in the spring -- regardless of Mom's condition. I need to go somewhere where I can find work. This is another scenario that will put a crimp in Sister's "discomfort" with getting rid of Mom's stuff while she's still with us.

Sister and I don't get along all that well, so it would do me no good to bring it up.

Anyway ... not really asking for help, although if anybody's got any advice or suggestions I'd be happy to listen. Mostly I'm just venting.

[EricKei]

Vent away. That's what we're here for ^_^

Sister seems to want some kind of Walton Family get-together, in which we three all get together to pore over Mom's belongings, exchange memories and so on.

Sounds to me like she wants to get first pick of any items she thinks would be worth selling. I'd include "items with sentimental value to her," but I suspect none of those are there. If this is so important to her, she can organize everything.

[Pixelated]

Vent away. That's what we're here for ^_^

*snip*

If this is so important to her, she can organize everything.

Thank you ErickKei! The timing of the discussion didn't help much, what with my only job (at the moment) shutting down within the month.

As for the second comment, good point. I don't plan to sweat over whether she gets what she wants -- or whether she gets anything at all -- since she's the one who's been dragging her feet on this for five years now.

I just don't want to see Mom's furniture go in the landfill without at least a chance to re-home it.

Gawd, doesn't that sound like I'm talking about somebody's pets ...

[taxguykarl]

Some people just can't let go. My mom's cousin (who helped her care for a great aunt and uncle) still had in her garage a car owned by her son who OD'ed in the '90's. I suspect that the only reason the aforementioned great aunt & uncle's estates were cleared was because there were other heirs.
That could well be your sister's case. How was her relation with your mother?

[Pixelated]

Some people just can't let go.

*snip*
That could well be your sister's case. How was her relation with your mother?

It got cranky at times, as did mine (and possibly brother's; I'm less certain of his relationship with either of our parents even though I'm the oldest). Sis was a lot LIKE Mom, although I'm sure Sis would deny that to her dying day.

But again, she is in the medical profession. She has seen Mom several times. She has seen Mom's steady deterioration. Last time she was down here was not so long ago, after Mom had had two seizures in one day and brother sent me an email saying it looked as though Mom was trying to get to heaven that day (I'm assuming the nursing home called and alerted him).

Brother is going home tomorrow after having been here for two days. He says he is going to send both Sis and I an email stating that in his opinion, Mom's condition is such that we need to start sorting her stuff NOW -- we cannot wait until she passes away. He will say that I can easily share photos of items in emails to them both, if that makes it easier.

In all fairness, that is all he can do. He could force the issue, I suppose, and say he is giving me free rein to start disposing of stuff on my own, but he has no real reason to get that Draconian.

Also, quite frankly, this way, if Sis continues to be obstructive, the end results (if they are not to her liking) are on her own head.

[MoonCat]

Not knowing your sister or your mom, or their relationship, I could be way off, but I wonder if your sister is resisting this because that would be an undeniable acknowledgement that your mom is soon going to pass away. That can be rough on a daughter, even one who didn't get along well with her mom, and if they were close, it's worse. Not saying her relationship with a son was any less important or close, but moms and daughters often have a weird, complicated dynamic going on between them.

Being in the medical professional only means that she knows too well how likely it is that her mom will be gone soon. It may feel like too much to handle. She will have to, of course, most likely fairly soon, from what you said. Just a thought.

[Pixelated]

MoonCat, you might have a point there. Just because Sis is a medical person doesn't mean she is automatically going to be able to handle stuff like this well when it's happening to somebody in the family.

I probably could be said to have a weird, complicated mother-daughter dynamic going on too ... but I think I have one advantage Sis doesn't have: I had a long and close relationship with Mom's father. Grandpa was raised in a European farming community where death was acknowledged as a part of life. He never feared dying and he hated to see people suffer a slow, miserable death. He would not, I think, be happy with what's happened to his daughter. And I've consciously tried to adopt his attitude, so ... that might help a lot.

[RootedPhoenix]

*offers hugs*

I'd wonder if your sister's behavior had a lot to do with trying to hang on to your mom. I'd be that way and for the same reason. I mean I see your frusration too; it sounds as if there is time and hands to do the work now, there might not be later.

It is a hard place for all of you, I figure. <3

[Pixelated]

It might be. But ... she's got medical training. She's seen mom and her steady (and now drastic) deterioration. Her situation is not reversible.

The hands aren't here ATM as both brother and sister live far, far away ... but the hands have been here several times in the past five years and we could've made a head start on this. And I really do NOT see sister or brother (who has said yes, I am right about this) loading up Mom's furniture and carting it across the country. Smaller items, absolutely - jewelry and even some clothing items.

It's just frustrating because Mom was always very proud of her living-room and dining-room sets, and the guest bedroom furniture, I really don't want to see this furniture in the landfill if it can be avoided.

[RootedPhoenix]

You could potentially donate it to a thrift store, but only if it's something you all want to do.

[Android Kaeli]

Is there anyone that you know of, that is willing to take the furniture [and other such things] to use in their own homes? At least persons who you can trust enough not to keep for a good length of time.

[dawnfire]

could you get an auction company come out and take it as a bulk lot?

[Pixelated]

Sis was adamant that we not get rid of anything -- by any means -- while Mom was still alive.

However, that is now a moot point. Mom died this past weekend.

[dawnfire]

my condolences

[Pixelated]

Thank you.