Get. To. The. Point.

[Havering]

This honestly isn't as sucky as many things SCs do. It's more like the drip-drip-drip of erosion on your desire to be helpful.

SC: who else?
Me: eager to be helpful, but I'm developing that "Would you like to see your spleen?" rictus smile by this point.

SC: "Blargleblargleblarg, let's run around Robin Hood's barn, statement."
Me: "I'm sorry. What is it I can do for you?"
SC: "Blah, blah, blah, story of something totally irrelevant, derry-and-toms, I like cheese."
Me: "What is it I can do for you?"
SC: *insert actual question I can help them with*,

WHY? Why is it so hard to ask a simple question? If I called the local library, looking for a book, I'd say, "Hi, could you tell me if you have 'Spanking Bunnies for Fun and Profit' by A. Pervert, please? " and not do a 20-minute performance art piece.

Spit. The. Damn. Question. Out. People.

14 minutes, Friday. 14 minutes of my life gone forever while the caller went into some weird stream-of-consciousness fugue state wherein I learned about the difficulties of calling three different animal control agencies to find their cat (they live on the border of three towns), none of which has a ding-damned thing to do with my job.

Gah!

[skeptic53]

Spoiler Alert!!

The entire novel Portnoy's Complaint is the protagonist telling his life story. The last line is his psychoanalyst, who says "Ja, perhaps now ve can begin?"

[MoonCat]

*sighs* Yes, I used to get these people, too. Long, rambling blather about something completely unconnected to my job. Sometimes they'd get snippy when I asked them how I could help them. Sometimes they'd be shocked that I didn't know why they'd called.

Imagine these idiots calling 9-1-1. "Yes, dear, you know what, it's so hard these days, can't find my phone half the time, and my friend tells me the same thing happens to him, and isn't it just lovely outside? You should get outside if you can, just be careful to watch for bees, my niece got stung and she was in the hospital for three days, those nurses were so helpful, my nephew's going to school to be a nurse--what's that? Yes, could you send the police, please, my car has been stolen..."

[Havering]

Imagine these idiots calling 9-1-1. "Yes, dear, you know what, it's so hard these days,. . .my nephew's going to school to be a nurse--what's that? Yes, could you send the police, please, my car has been stolen..."

No, no, then calling 911 is infinitely worse. I worked emergency dispatch for 13 years in a former life. Oy.

The good news was you were allowed to be a little....short...with them.

A snowy, icy day.
" 911, are you reporting an emergency? "
"Highway X is closed? I only know how to get home..."
*much louder* "Are. You. Reporting. An. Emergency? "
"Ummmm...."
"Please hold." *clickslam*

[Jay 2K Winger]

I feel your pain. I get plenty of lusers who have to give me the life story of their problem before they get to the point of what problem they're actually having.

One of the worst offenders at The Client is that One Particular Caller, who has poor data retention, and needs to be re-taught how to do basic computer things almost every call, and who needs to make it plain (repeatedly) that she isn't the one who accidentally deleted these files, or whatever.

[Slave to the Phone]

Holy cow, I can sure feel your pain!!!

Like about everyone else, I am timed on all of my tasks. I don't have time to hear about your uncle dying 8 years ago and your cousin running off with all the money, I don't really care about you being fired 4 years ago because you were hit by an uninsured driver and couldn't make it to work due to no transportation and being in the hospital.

All that matters to me is what is happening right now, and any jobs you have worked in the last 9 months.

Just shut up and answer my questions, please. I can serve you much better that way.

[notalwaysright]

Arg, it was such a problem at the fabric store. Because yes, we did ask what the customer was making... First of all, we were supposed to ask this, in order to sell them more stuff. Second, it was honestly an easy way to avoid weird silences and most people were totally cool about it. Even if they didn't want to talk much they just said "oh, various projects I'm not sure." Here's how it normally went:

Me: (while measuring out the fabric) Okay, two yards... What are going to make?
Normal Customer: I'm going to try to make a Halloween costume! If I have enough time.
Me: I know, right? *pause* Okay, here's your slip, good luck!
Normal Customer: Thanks, bye.

BUT OBVIOUSLY that's not the way it always went.

Me: (while measuring fabric) Okay, two yards... What are you going to make?
SC: A Halloween costume! I'm going as a woolly mammoth, but I'm not sure how I'm going to pull it off, what do you think, should I get all this fake fur or should I buy something online I just wing it maybe I'll make chicken for dinner tonight and is there wi-fi in here my husband wandered off where is he, he's bored haha...
Me: Well, good luck, here's your cutting slip...
SC: I need glue I think is there a good brand, it's raining outside and traffic is bad the Canadian exchange is good right now, are there coupons oh there's so many people in line you need more help where's my husband maybe I should buy another yard of fabric do you sell the thing that makes the other thing do the thing but not the shiny one oh no where's my cutting slip?

...I'm so happy I'm not working there, Halloween was literally the worst, worse than Black Friday and Christmas combined.

[Mr Hero]

SC: "Blah, blah, blah, story of something totally irrelevant, derry-and-toms, I like cheese."

Get on with it!
Yeah, got on with it!

[dalesys]

People that insist on driving the other way down the one way road of life...

Are told "You must breathe to talk." Hear: "If you aren't talking you aren't breathing and you'll DIE!"

[Havering]

People that insist on driving the other way down the one way road of life...

Are told "You must breathe to talk." Hear: "If you aren't talking you aren't breathing and you'll DIE!"

I love this and now want to embroider it on a pillow for work.

[dalesys]

I love this and now want to embroider it on a pillow for work.

Maybe rephrase it:

Some people...
"If I'm not talking
I'm not breathing!
I'm gonna DIE!"

[Nunavut Pants]

I had a GF years ago. We went out to a party shortly after her thesis defense. She got hammered beyond hammered. On the way home, she became convinced that she couldn't breathe. (That is truly too drunk!)

She went on and on about it, working herself up into a panic. So I said--wait, are you talking?

"Yes, I am talking. Talk talk talk talk talk talk talk!"

"If you're talking, you are breathing."

It was enough to break her out of the panic.

[Naaman]

I had a GF years ago. We went out to a party shortly after her thesis defense. She got hammered beyond hammered. On the way home, she became convinced that she couldn't breathe. (That is truly too drunk!)

She went on and on about it, working herself up into a panic. So I said--wait, are you talking?

"Yes, I am talking. Talk talk talk talk talk talk talk!"

"If you're talking, you are breathing."

It was enough to break her out of the panic.

Reminds me of a sub-plot similar the brilliant Justified tv show, with Dewey Crow, although he took the idiot route. After explaining that he couldn't pee without his kidneys (and the sound of a bucket being filled) the exultation of "Praise the Lord! I've got four Kidneys!!" was awesome

[Havering]

Today's scorecard:

People who don't listen: 12
Me: "X division (where I work), this is Havering."
Them: "Is this *name any state office not my own*" or "Is this X division?" You know, dear caller, when you can't hear and comprehend 5 words, I have....concerns.

Or: "Did you say your name was Bravering, Hovering, Banana?" I'm a West Coastie--we don't have much of an accent. I said my name clearly...my concerns are growing. Or, my personal favorite, making me repeat my mildly unusual name and then playing, "I bet I can guess where that name's from!" 99 9/10% of the time, no, no you can't.

People totally confused that a particular deadline (one that happens several times every freaking year) has passed: 8

People pissed about missing it: 6

People who think I'm "mean" because I won't bend/break state law: 6 Not the same 6 as the pissed people, curiously.

People that think I can magically change/ignore state law: 8
Honestly, you really don't want me picking and choosing what state laws to follow. For some reason, the magical words "ear tags" are dancing through my head and, trust me, you really don't want to know why.

[XCashier]

Marla feels your pain: http://retailcomic.com/comics/october-22-2017/

I really don't know why people feel compelled to do this. It's so much easier and faster to ask, "Where is your wool yarn?" then to go into a complicated story about how your Great Uncle Homer needs a sweater because he's cold all the time, and he hates acrylic and cotton isn't warm enough, and his favorite color is green, but only one specific shade, blah blah blah.