Road Rage Beast

[Tanasi]

Nearly six months ago my wife lost her drivers license for many reasons. She can't stop at red lights before turning right, she turns at red lights where it's posted no right turn on red. She speeds a lot and especially so when late for an appointment (she's habitually late for everything.) Over the years her road rage has got worse, she yells, cusses and flip-off others that don't move fast enough for her, even LEOs. Her license has suspended 4 times and it would have been just suspended this time but her mouth got her in trouble with the judge and he revoked it and told her she could re-apply in six months after have completed an anger management course, traffic school and defensive drivers school.
During this suspension she has gone thru 4 employees that were pulled off their jobs to drive her around. After a few days all turned in their notices to quit and refused to drive her further because of all the yelling an screaming. One boy's mom made him quit, the other three were returned to their former jobs within the business. The only people that can drive her and not either quit or kill her is her parents and me. Why? We won't put up with her crap and will put her out of the car. Her parents both cut hickory switches to keep in the car if she starts up.
She has completed all of the requirements to re-apply but I know she just faked her way thru the anger managements program because I've seen her continue to flip-out when out on the road. Last week the judge told her she could re-apply but next time he will put her in jail for 30 days and she'll loose her license for two years.
I've tried talking with her about this aggressiveness but she refuses to talk. I know she's gonna get in trouble again. Do I let her crash and burn or stop it?

[Luna Baby]

Is it possible she has a disorder that needs medical treatment? Is her behavior always been like this or progressively gotten worse? As a concerned spouse, you might ask her to seek a medical opinion.

[csquared]

For her sake.
For your family's sake.
For the sake of everyone on the road.
You need to get to the bottom of her problem.

I think that Luna Baby is on the right track. Maybe you should start by talking to her doctor.

[Blue Ginger]

For all that is unholy in the world, don't let her drive again until her anger issues are under control and she has actually learnt and understood the purpose of all the road rules she constantly breaks.

Maybe treat her like a teenager about to get their licence? So find out if she can visit a patient in hospitable that was the victim of a serious car crash. Or a rehab place that helps people relearn how to do everything again. Make her talk to the accident victims and families. (Going through a rehab centre is possibly the better option because they will be able to ask patients if they are up to talking or not.)

Or ask the local police where cars are towed after serious accidents and take her there.

Not sure who does vehicle rescue where you live, but maybe talk to them too? Different organisations possibly already have procedures in place for training people like your wife. In my state in Oz, most vehicle rescues are done by metro firefighters, CFA (Country Fire Authority) or SES (State Emergency Services). Other states have their own versions of CFA & SES. I do know that the CFA & SES do a lot of training and they also have training days where they allow people like your wife to attend and observe.

If your equivalent services have something similar, take her. It probably won't help the anger issues, but it will hopefully make her more aware of the consequences of her actions.

[Mental_Mouse]

I'm with Luna Baby -- this is not normal behavior, and you need to find out what's going on and deal with it.

If this was a change from her prior behavior, do try find out what might have happened just before it started... but in any case, if it's gone on for at least six months, you need to consider it as an ongoing condition. (And given those hickory switches, I can guess at some possible roots for her behavior.)

Start with a psychiatrist -- not a therapist or counselor, but someone who has the medical training to look for possible underlying conditions, and also the training to look at her mental history. (This might lead to a medical workup.)

Have you tried to discuss this with her at all? If she can't face up to having a problem, then this could be an even worse situation than it appears.

[protege]

I've tried talking with her about this aggressiveness but she refuses to talk. I know she's gonna get in trouble again. Do I let her crash and burn or stop it?

Sooner or later she'll crash and burn. Either she'll get into an accident because of her rage...or she'll get her ass kicked (or worse) by a bigger rager. Thought I'd throw this in too--if she continues to drive the way she is, she'll become a serious insurance liability. You'll have to deal with that too.

[Kristev]

I'd talk to the judge. Tell him you're afraid for her safety.

[Rosco the Iroc]

I rarely say this I think all these mental drugs are just a way for Pharma to get rich.

BUT GET HER ON SOME! Before she kills someone or does this shit to someone that is just as off-balanced and they settle her hash permanently by going mad max back on her.

[Tanasi]

This morning after D3 had left for school and before S3 got up her parents, two oldest daughters , wife's older sister and I had a long talk with her. I told her until she gets a hand on her anger problem I'm not going to let her drive, she's just too dangerous.
I had forgot but both her mom and sister had similar problems around the same age. They think it might be menopause. She now has Dr. appointments in the next few weeks.
After they left I expected to get yelled at but she didn't. I drove her to work and daughter #2 chauffeured her around to meetings as both had to be there. I'm expecting this to be the calm before the storm...

[morgana]

Good luck, Tanasi. Sounds like you may need it.

[Mental_Mouse]

I had forgot but both her mom and sister had similar problems around the same age. They think it might be menopause. She now has Dr. appointments in the next few weeks.

Well, if that turns out to be it, then the problem should at least be temporary! And probably treatable too. Note that Estrogen Replacement Therapy is currently being rehabilitated, specifically for dealing with issues of menopause and the year or few afterwards. (As opposed to the previous try at "good for what ails ye, from menopause to the grave" . )

[Aria]

It actually COULD be menopause. My sister says there was one year where my mom was alternately raging and CRYING (very out of character). I was out of the house and my sister was a teenager, so she regularly caused the tears. (still extremely out of character). After about a year it cleared up, I hope it does for your wife.

[Luna Baby]

I'm glad you had a talk with her and are seeking a medical opinion. This is a first step at finding the root cause and getting her help, whether it be medical or mental, or a combination of both, or something totally different. The main thing is that you are keeping her safe and those on the road are safe from her as long as she isn't driving while enraged.

Hang in there, even if you do have to deal with a storm or 2 or 3.

[Tanasi]

It actually COULD be menopause. My sister says there was one year where my mom was alternately raging and CRYING (very out of character). I was out of the house and my sister was a teenager, so she regularly caused the tears. (still extremely out of character). After about a year it cleared up, I hope it does for your wife.

I was grown and gone when mt Mom went through menopause so I didn't catch much of that. My Mom isn't one to let things like that show so I doubt I would have noticed but then again I was busy with my kids.

Today things went much better than I expected, he hugged on the kid a lot. He asked what was going on because she was starting to bruise him from all the hugs. I told that's something menfolk have to endure when their womenfolk need hugs and kisses. He's a good kid. I'm not looking forward to the blow-up between my wife and my youngest daughter, so far some have been on the epic side.

[Eireann]

Even if menopause has something to do with it, you wrote in your first post that she's been experiencing road rage for years. It sounds like she needs professional help anyway - psychiatric as well as physical.