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I don't really have anything witty to offer for a setup. It's raining and crappy out, and that seems to be affecting customers too. So, here's the latest in unbelievable stupidity:
SW = Sucky Woman
SM = Sucky Man
ME = Me
Geography lesson
SM: Will I have service in New Hampshire?
ME: We do offer service through much of the state. I can check the specific coverage if you know where in New Hampshire you're going to be.
SM: On top of it.
Unless you were planning on visiting a community of gopher-people, I can logically deduce that you will be on "top" of the state. Most people are. Now, if you should happen to have an unfortuate accident that causes you to cease living, you could find yourself at the bottom of it.
I'm not saying your wrong, just that you're wrong...
ME: I see here that last month you used 1698 text messages and-
SM: I dispute that!
ME: Well, I can see that they were all sent and received to the serial number and SIM card assigned to the phone you have, so they do appear to be valid.
SM: I'm not saying they're not valid, but I dispute them!
ME: But... if you feel they are valid, what is it you're disputing?
SM: 1698 text messages in 1 month? That's insane!
Okay, fine. So you're stupid and crazy. Congratulations. I dispute your dispute on the grounds that I hate you. I win.
Would you like to phone a friend?
ME: Could I have your name please?
SM: Uuuuuuuh...
ME: And your mobile number?
SM: Uuuuuuuh...
ME: How can I help you today?
SM: Yeah, uh, I, uuuuuuuuh...
Okay, I'm doing my best here. I can't really think of anything easier. I'd have you jot it down and fax it to me, but I doubt you possess any level of literacy. Oooh, I've got an idea! Go to the bathroom and look under the sink. Find the Drano. I know you can't read, but there should be a picture of a skull on it on the back. That's the universal symbol for "I taste like candy!" Drink the whole bottle. Voila, all our problems are solved and the world is a better place.
Yes, we do need no stinking password
SW: I want my service canceled!
ME: I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Is there any particular reason you want the account to cancel today?
SW: Only because you let my son put a password on my account, then told me I had to leave work and drive to a store to show them my driver's license to get into my own account.
ME: I'm sorry to hear about that. If you can't verify the password, we do request that you show a photo ID since we can't see who's on the other end of the line, but-
SW: But you didn't need a license from my son when he put the password on the account!
ME: Okay, I see here that your son called in back in September of last year with some problems he was having with a phone, then it looks like you came on the line, or perhaps it was someone claiming to be you and that was when-
SW: I remember that call! Yes, I took the phone from him and talked to you guys. That was a different problem, but it has nothing to do with this runaround you people put me through today!
ME: Actually, the reason I bring that up is because it was on that same call, after we resolved the issue, that you requested to put the password on the account.
SW: I did no such thing! My son said he called in later and they let him put a password on!
ME: The password can only be set by the accountholder. Even if someone can verify the account, you are the only one who can request or modify a password.
SW: Well, it's not my fault you people screwed everything up! Just cancel my service, I don't care about the fees.
The underlying issue here is that she set the password herself, forgot it, and was told she'd need to go to a store and show photo ID to access the account (we never told her to leave work, but sure, let's take the blame for that too), and was too proud to admit that she forgot her password. I love those people that get mad about not being able to verify their account. "It's my account, why should I need to verify?" Well gee, if someone calls in and says they're you, should I just say "Otay!" and let them into your account? I can't see who's holding the phone on the other end, I can only take their word that what they're saying is correct.
Unprecidented
SW: Yeah, so I did something online and I think I screwed up my account.
I'm sorry, are you admitting fault? Taking ownership of your actions? Accepting responsibility? Am I going to find myself on a CD for prank calls somewhere? Can you get me Junkyard Willie's autograph?
The internet said so!
SM: I don't want this phone anymore, but I'm not paying for an upgrade. You're going to send me something else for free.
ME: Your device is still under warranty, we'd be happy to replace it for you.
SM: With another of the same kind?
ME: That's right.
SM: Well I don't want this phone!
ME: You wanted it enough to purchase it back in November. Why don't you want it anymore?
SM: Because it's a bad phone!
ME: What makes you think that?
SM: Because I went online and did a search for this phone and there are lots of people who say so.
ME: That may be, but we have millions of those phones out there. So you look at those millions of phones versus the handful of people who've had problems with it and I think you can agree that statistically-
SM: Are you going to send me a new phone or not? A different phone?
ME: Sure. I'd be happy to see what discount I can get for you with our upgrade program.
SM: I'm not paying for a phone.
ME: Then we can exchange it under warranty and you'll get a no-cost replacement.
SM: Well I don't like those options!
ME: I'm sorry you're not satisfied with those options, but they are your only options for replacing your phone.
SM: Then I'll cancel and pay the termination fee and go to someone else.
Great. See ya. I love that argument. The internet said it was bad so it must be true. The internet has said a lot of things since its inception. Insane things, hilarious things, frightening things, and stupid things. That doesn't make them all true.
Did I spoil the mood?
SW: I want to upgrade.
ME: Okay, is there any particular phone you're looking for?
SW: No, whatever's free.
ME: Well, I have this phone free with a 2 year contract, and-
SW: No, forget it. You just turned me off. Never mind. *click*
Wait, come back. Would it help if I put the schoolgirl outfit on?
Bizarro World Customer Service
(note: refer to this for the first episode)
SM: I want to unactivate my account.
Okay, technically what you're saying is possible, but you're phrasing it like a slobbering idiot.
Okay then
SM: I want to cancel my service!
ME: I sorry to hear that. Is there any particular reason you want to cancel?
SM: None of your business!
ME: We do try to track the reasons that our valued cusotmers are leaving us and there may be ways that I can help you out so you may not need to cancel at all.
SM: I don't need to give you no reason. I want to cancel. Just do what I tell you to do! That's your job!
Actually, my job is to find out why you want to cancel and at least offer 1 other solution. See, companies require customers to thrive, and if we are losing customers we want to know why so we can see what we need to do to make our customers happy. If I don't at least try to help you and make some kind of offer, I get fired. And I'm not losing my job to work at a street corner downtown because of you. Trust me, it's easier for everyone (and faster) when I don't have to fight you over this.
Sucks to be you
SM: I want my service canceled because I don't get service in my house and I'm not paying for a service I can't use.
ME: That's unfortunate. I'd be happy to see what we can do to improve the service for you or-
SM: I already did that. They said there's a new tower coming in 4 months and I can't wait that long. I need the tower sooner.
ME: Unfortunately, that process takes time. Actually constructing the tower and bringing it online doesn't take long, but the city commission has to approve our request and grant us a permit, plus contracters need to be brought in for the actual construction. It unfortunately takes time. We also have (TOP SECRET CRAP) that will be available (CLASSIFIED) that can (NOT FOR YOUR EYES).
SM: No, just cancel my service.
ME: Okay, the service will cancel as of-
SM: And don't charge me the fee.
ME: Well, you're under contract through November 2008, so-
SM: BUt I don't get service. You can't hold me to a contract for service I don't get.
ME: First of all, your contract states that we cannot guarantee service in all areas. Secondly, we are making every possible attempt to increase the service available to you.
SM: Let me talk to a supervisor!
- I listened in on the call. This is how it ended:
SM: You're a supervisor, so I know you have the ability to waive the termination fee.
SUP: Yes, I can do that at my discretion.
SM: Then take off the fee.
SUP: I don't see any reason why that would be necessary.
SM: Fine. Thanks for nothing.
SUP: No problem! Have a great day!
This guy could have canceled when his contract ran out, but he upgraded in November. When he still didn't get service at home, he could have returned the phone and canceled. He chose to keep the service. Oh, and even though he couldn't get any service at all, he still manages to go over his minutes every month. Pretty good for service he can't use.
Pointless
SM: So every customer gets charged $.02 more for calls to Mexico from now on? So for millions of customers, that's a lot of money you guys are making on this scheme.
ME: First of all, we don't make money on customers making international calls. Secondly, your still paying less per minute that customers who do not have the feature for discounted calling to Mexico. Third, not all customers make international calls. Also-
SM: I don't give a crap about everybody else!
ME: You don't? I'm sorry, you brought them into this so I was using your own example.
SM: The point is, you can't just change your rates. That voids my contract.
ME: Actually, we can make changes with reasonable notice, and that does not violate the terms of your contract. Your last 2 bills included inserts advising you that the rates were going to change.
Hooray for a day off tomorrow. Boo for working on a holiday after that.
SW = Sucky Woman
SM = Sucky Man
ME = Me
Geography lesson
SM: Will I have service in New Hampshire?
ME: We do offer service through much of the state. I can check the specific coverage if you know where in New Hampshire you're going to be.
SM: On top of it.
Unless you were planning on visiting a community of gopher-people, I can logically deduce that you will be on "top" of the state. Most people are. Now, if you should happen to have an unfortuate accident that causes you to cease living, you could find yourself at the bottom of it.
I'm not saying your wrong, just that you're wrong...
ME: I see here that last month you used 1698 text messages and-
SM: I dispute that!
ME: Well, I can see that they were all sent and received to the serial number and SIM card assigned to the phone you have, so they do appear to be valid.
SM: I'm not saying they're not valid, but I dispute them!
ME: But... if you feel they are valid, what is it you're disputing?
SM: 1698 text messages in 1 month? That's insane!
Okay, fine. So you're stupid and crazy. Congratulations. I dispute your dispute on the grounds that I hate you. I win.
Would you like to phone a friend?
ME: Could I have your name please?
SM: Uuuuuuuh...
ME: And your mobile number?
SM: Uuuuuuuh...
ME: How can I help you today?
SM: Yeah, uh, I, uuuuuuuuh...
Okay, I'm doing my best here. I can't really think of anything easier. I'd have you jot it down and fax it to me, but I doubt you possess any level of literacy. Oooh, I've got an idea! Go to the bathroom and look under the sink. Find the Drano. I know you can't read, but there should be a picture of a skull on it on the back. That's the universal symbol for "I taste like candy!" Drink the whole bottle. Voila, all our problems are solved and the world is a better place.
Yes, we do need no stinking password
SW: I want my service canceled!
ME: I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Is there any particular reason you want the account to cancel today?
SW: Only because you let my son put a password on my account, then told me I had to leave work and drive to a store to show them my driver's license to get into my own account.
ME: I'm sorry to hear about that. If you can't verify the password, we do request that you show a photo ID since we can't see who's on the other end of the line, but-
SW: But you didn't need a license from my son when he put the password on the account!
ME: Okay, I see here that your son called in back in September of last year with some problems he was having with a phone, then it looks like you came on the line, or perhaps it was someone claiming to be you and that was when-
SW: I remember that call! Yes, I took the phone from him and talked to you guys. That was a different problem, but it has nothing to do with this runaround you people put me through today!
ME: Actually, the reason I bring that up is because it was on that same call, after we resolved the issue, that you requested to put the password on the account.
SW: I did no such thing! My son said he called in later and they let him put a password on!
ME: The password can only be set by the accountholder. Even if someone can verify the account, you are the only one who can request or modify a password.
SW: Well, it's not my fault you people screwed everything up! Just cancel my service, I don't care about the fees.
The underlying issue here is that she set the password herself, forgot it, and was told she'd need to go to a store and show photo ID to access the account (we never told her to leave work, but sure, let's take the blame for that too), and was too proud to admit that she forgot her password. I love those people that get mad about not being able to verify their account. "It's my account, why should I need to verify?" Well gee, if someone calls in and says they're you, should I just say "Otay!" and let them into your account? I can't see who's holding the phone on the other end, I can only take their word that what they're saying is correct.
Unprecidented
SW: Yeah, so I did something online and I think I screwed up my account.
I'm sorry, are you admitting fault? Taking ownership of your actions? Accepting responsibility? Am I going to find myself on a CD for prank calls somewhere? Can you get me Junkyard Willie's autograph?
The internet said so!
SM: I don't want this phone anymore, but I'm not paying for an upgrade. You're going to send me something else for free.
ME: Your device is still under warranty, we'd be happy to replace it for you.
SM: With another of the same kind?
ME: That's right.
SM: Well I don't want this phone!
ME: You wanted it enough to purchase it back in November. Why don't you want it anymore?
SM: Because it's a bad phone!
ME: What makes you think that?
SM: Because I went online and did a search for this phone and there are lots of people who say so.
ME: That may be, but we have millions of those phones out there. So you look at those millions of phones versus the handful of people who've had problems with it and I think you can agree that statistically-
SM: Are you going to send me a new phone or not? A different phone?
ME: Sure. I'd be happy to see what discount I can get for you with our upgrade program.
SM: I'm not paying for a phone.
ME: Then we can exchange it under warranty and you'll get a no-cost replacement.
SM: Well I don't like those options!
ME: I'm sorry you're not satisfied with those options, but they are your only options for replacing your phone.
SM: Then I'll cancel and pay the termination fee and go to someone else.
Great. See ya. I love that argument. The internet said it was bad so it must be true. The internet has said a lot of things since its inception. Insane things, hilarious things, frightening things, and stupid things. That doesn't make them all true.
Did I spoil the mood?
SW: I want to upgrade.
ME: Okay, is there any particular phone you're looking for?
SW: No, whatever's free.
ME: Well, I have this phone free with a 2 year contract, and-
SW: No, forget it. You just turned me off. Never mind. *click*
Wait, come back. Would it help if I put the schoolgirl outfit on?
Bizarro World Customer Service
(note: refer to this for the first episode)
SM: I want to unactivate my account.
Okay, technically what you're saying is possible, but you're phrasing it like a slobbering idiot.
Okay then
SM: I want to cancel my service!
ME: I sorry to hear that. Is there any particular reason you want to cancel?
SM: None of your business!
ME: We do try to track the reasons that our valued cusotmers are leaving us and there may be ways that I can help you out so you may not need to cancel at all.
SM: I don't need to give you no reason. I want to cancel. Just do what I tell you to do! That's your job!
Actually, my job is to find out why you want to cancel and at least offer 1 other solution. See, companies require customers to thrive, and if we are losing customers we want to know why so we can see what we need to do to make our customers happy. If I don't at least try to help you and make some kind of offer, I get fired. And I'm not losing my job to work at a street corner downtown because of you. Trust me, it's easier for everyone (and faster) when I don't have to fight you over this.
Sucks to be you
SM: I want my service canceled because I don't get service in my house and I'm not paying for a service I can't use.
ME: That's unfortunate. I'd be happy to see what we can do to improve the service for you or-
SM: I already did that. They said there's a new tower coming in 4 months and I can't wait that long. I need the tower sooner.
ME: Unfortunately, that process takes time. Actually constructing the tower and bringing it online doesn't take long, but the city commission has to approve our request and grant us a permit, plus contracters need to be brought in for the actual construction. It unfortunately takes time. We also have (TOP SECRET CRAP) that will be available (CLASSIFIED) that can (NOT FOR YOUR EYES).
SM: No, just cancel my service.
ME: Okay, the service will cancel as of-
SM: And don't charge me the fee.
ME: Well, you're under contract through November 2008, so-
SM: BUt I don't get service. You can't hold me to a contract for service I don't get.
ME: First of all, your contract states that we cannot guarantee service in all areas. Secondly, we are making every possible attempt to increase the service available to you.
SM: Let me talk to a supervisor!
- I listened in on the call. This is how it ended:
SM: You're a supervisor, so I know you have the ability to waive the termination fee.
SUP: Yes, I can do that at my discretion.
SM: Then take off the fee.
SUP: I don't see any reason why that would be necessary.
SM: Fine. Thanks for nothing.
SUP: No problem! Have a great day!
This guy could have canceled when his contract ran out, but he upgraded in November. When he still didn't get service at home, he could have returned the phone and canceled. He chose to keep the service. Oh, and even though he couldn't get any service at all, he still manages to go over his minutes every month. Pretty good for service he can't use.
Pointless
SM: So every customer gets charged $.02 more for calls to Mexico from now on? So for millions of customers, that's a lot of money you guys are making on this scheme.
ME: First of all, we don't make money on customers making international calls. Secondly, your still paying less per minute that customers who do not have the feature for discounted calling to Mexico. Third, not all customers make international calls. Also-
SM: I don't give a crap about everybody else!
ME: You don't? I'm sorry, you brought them into this so I was using your own example.
SM: The point is, you can't just change your rates. That voids my contract.
ME: Actually, we can make changes with reasonable notice, and that does not violate the terms of your contract. Your last 2 bills included inserts advising you that the rates were going to change.
Hooray for a day off tomorrow. Boo for working on a holiday after that.
Yes. Yes, it would be. 
"Um, you shouldn't be getting any reception with that, it's one of the worst ones. So yeah, your new one will be better." 
I AM the evil bastard!
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