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Gah, my coworker is on vacation and there's no cover. So I'm doing a 2 person shift alone. ><
The Buddy System
Just a heads up for the day staff: I noticed a spider the size of a small dog in the hallway this evening. Upon spotting me it waddled off towards the washrooms at frightening speed. So you guys on day shift may want to go to the bathroom in pairs for the time being for your own safety. That way while its eating one of you alive the other can sneak up behind it while it's distracted and hopefully wound it. I'd say kill but I doubt any of you had the foresight to bring a bat to work today.
But hey, good luck.
Booty
SC: "YOU SPEAK SPANISH!?"
Only in my dreams. But in my dreams I'm also a pirate. So I wouldn't in much of a position to help you I'm afraid. On the other hand I *will* rob you then sail off into the horizon with my trusty band of angry, tattooed men…..well, least I would if I had a ship. I'll have to settle for taking the Skytrain into Surrey with some hobo who thinks he's my first mate. But, never the less, I will pillage your Ford Focus and claim that Star bucks frappicino you left in the cup rack as pirate booty. Then I will bury it in my backyard and draw an elaborate map to document its location. ARR~!
Everyone Loves the King of the Sea
The only thing that managed to leap the rather tall, barb wired topped language barrier tonight was "Toilet Dolphin". That was the only thing I really understood in the entire conversation. I'm not sure if she was referring to some sort of lavatory cleaning agent or if she indeed meant an aquatic mammal was in fact dwelling in her toilet bowl. But either way it was plugging the toilet and causing the bathroom to flood. I wasn't aware dolphins were such a problem when it came to residential plumbing. Unless she was trying to flush the dolphin itself. Which would make somewhat more sense. Perhaps she stole it from the aquarium and was harbouring it in her bathtub to sell on eBay. But the fuzz was on to her and she needed to get rid of the evidence as fast as possible.
I'm not really sure how to tell the on call he needs to get someone down there to pull Flipper's corpse out of the john.
Multiple Choice
SC: "Yeah, my friends made a reservation but the hotel turned them away and now I don't know where they are."
Ok…let me deconstruct that information and then try and figure out why your calling:
A) You want me to use psychic powers, a divining rod or Google Earth to locate your friends for you.
B) You want me to book another room for them.
C) You called just to whine.
D) You have no idea why you called and are just wasting my time and yours.
E) You think I have candy.
The answer turned out to be D. Though I was suspecting E for a while. ( PS. I do have candy. )
Geography
Me: "Alright, what city are you in?"
SC: "Oh, I'm here."
Unless you're standing behind me which you're....wait....yeah, you're not, then that answer is utterly invalid.
What?
SC: "Yo I'm at de exo macheen for <cell company>!"
Me: "…ok?"
SC: "It don't give no receeet, the clerk said it atta paper or somethin'"
Me: "Yes, if its out of paper it won't print a receipt but your payment will still go through."
SC: "Ya, but iz it possible? Don' my minutes. Is it possible? Know what I'm sayin?!"
Me: "Pardon?"
SC: "So I lost ma money? It never minutes, I gotta say-"
Ok, stop stop! Are we even speaking English here? I'm pretty sure I know what English sounds like and this seems somewhere halfway between gangsta and wookie. I have absolutely no idea what you're trying to say. I do not have a droid to translate nor am I wearing enough bling bling to begin to comprehend. Being gainfully employed has prevented me from being "down with" the language of "the streets" and my parents were not cousins so I'm afraid I have no natural understanding of your dialect. Forgive me.
Worthless
Me: "Good morning, <company name>, can I help you?"
SC: "No, no you can't."
Alas, I am useless! My fragile self esteem is crushed. I weep.
Gah, its bad when its just me on shift because there isn't even a 50/50 shot that I won't get the halfwit calls. Its 100% unfiltered sink lickers.
The Buddy System
Just a heads up for the day staff: I noticed a spider the size of a small dog in the hallway this evening. Upon spotting me it waddled off towards the washrooms at frightening speed. So you guys on day shift may want to go to the bathroom in pairs for the time being for your own safety. That way while its eating one of you alive the other can sneak up behind it while it's distracted and hopefully wound it. I'd say kill but I doubt any of you had the foresight to bring a bat to work today.
But hey, good luck.
Booty
SC: "YOU SPEAK SPANISH!?"
Only in my dreams. But in my dreams I'm also a pirate. So I wouldn't in much of a position to help you I'm afraid. On the other hand I *will* rob you then sail off into the horizon with my trusty band of angry, tattooed men…..well, least I would if I had a ship. I'll have to settle for taking the Skytrain into Surrey with some hobo who thinks he's my first mate. But, never the less, I will pillage your Ford Focus and claim that Star bucks frappicino you left in the cup rack as pirate booty. Then I will bury it in my backyard and draw an elaborate map to document its location. ARR~!
Everyone Loves the King of the Sea
The only thing that managed to leap the rather tall, barb wired topped language barrier tonight was "Toilet Dolphin". That was the only thing I really understood in the entire conversation. I'm not sure if she was referring to some sort of lavatory cleaning agent or if she indeed meant an aquatic mammal was in fact dwelling in her toilet bowl. But either way it was plugging the toilet and causing the bathroom to flood. I wasn't aware dolphins were such a problem when it came to residential plumbing. Unless she was trying to flush the dolphin itself. Which would make somewhat more sense. Perhaps she stole it from the aquarium and was harbouring it in her bathtub to sell on eBay. But the fuzz was on to her and she needed to get rid of the evidence as fast as possible.
I'm not really sure how to tell the on call he needs to get someone down there to pull Flipper's corpse out of the john.
Multiple Choice
SC: "Yeah, my friends made a reservation but the hotel turned them away and now I don't know where they are."
Ok…let me deconstruct that information and then try and figure out why your calling:
A) You want me to use psychic powers, a divining rod or Google Earth to locate your friends for you.
B) You want me to book another room for them.
C) You called just to whine.
D) You have no idea why you called and are just wasting my time and yours.
E) You think I have candy.
The answer turned out to be D. Though I was suspecting E for a while. ( PS. I do have candy. )
Geography
Me: "Alright, what city are you in?"
SC: "Oh, I'm here."
Unless you're standing behind me which you're....wait....yeah, you're not, then that answer is utterly invalid.
What?
SC: "Yo I'm at de exo macheen for <cell company>!"
Me: "…ok?"
SC: "It don't give no receeet, the clerk said it atta paper or somethin'"
Me: "Yes, if its out of paper it won't print a receipt but your payment will still go through."
SC: "Ya, but iz it possible? Don' my minutes. Is it possible? Know what I'm sayin?!"
Me: "Pardon?"
SC: "So I lost ma money? It never minutes, I gotta say-"
Ok, stop stop! Are we even speaking English here? I'm pretty sure I know what English sounds like and this seems somewhere halfway between gangsta and wookie. I have absolutely no idea what you're trying to say. I do not have a droid to translate nor am I wearing enough bling bling to begin to comprehend. Being gainfully employed has prevented me from being "down with" the language of "the streets" and my parents were not cousins so I'm afraid I have no natural understanding of your dialect. Forgive me.
Worthless
Me: "Good morning, <company name>, can I help you?"
SC: "No, no you can't."
Alas, I am useless! My fragile self esteem is crushed. I weep.
Gah, its bad when its just me on shift because there isn't even a 50/50 shot that I won't get the halfwit calls. Its 100% unfiltered sink lickers.
I darn near strangled myself trying not to laugh at work...
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