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The Tow Files - Back in Black, Gettin' Flak.

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  • The Tow Files - Back in Black, Gettin' Flak.

    Alright everyone, simmer down.

    Now, as you know by know the entirety of last year plus 5 months of this year were a total bust for everyone for reasons I need not delve into too deep.

    He who shall not be named did you know what to you know who and the shake-out from that was that I lost my job for a bit, got it back at greatly reduced capacity and had to wait 10 months to get a customer base back under my belt large enough to start generating that 10% sample size of "WTF?" that we all know and love.

    Hence I had to disappear like a Federal fugitive for a bit.

    So, without further adieu, and with the heat off, let's get to the good stuff.




    Expand Your Vocabulary: Get Towed!

    -Friendly Neighborhood Towing, Cars Moved and Curses Spewed, How can I help you?
    -Yes, I... I ... think you might have my car?
    -Make and model?
    -A gold Hyundai Santa Fe?
    -Maryland plates? From Nickel Street Apartments?
    -Yes! Why?
    -You did not have a permit, all cars in that lot need permits or they will be towed
    -Even if I was just visiting my kid?
    -Yes, at all times for any reason.
    -I...I...
    ....
    ...

    -Hello? Ma'm?
    - I, I, you, I just can't believe you'd DO this to me!
    - Sorry, but those are the rules, Ma'm.

    ...
    ...
    ....

    *Argabarga braces, as by now he's sure Mommy is about to flip out on him like the star of a Hong Kong action movie *

    ....
    ....
    ....

    -I'm.......... I'M JUST FLABBERGAST YOU TOWED ME!


    Wow, 15 years and that's' the FIRST time I've ever had that adjective used to describe the emotional state of a towee of mine. I know because I had to check my pocket for my special bingo card of Insults and Observations (tm) and confirm that, yes, indeed "Flabbergast" hadn't been checked off yet.... there! Now it is.

    Wow, I only need ONE more to complete that row. Then I yell BINGO! and get to retire from the industry with my sanity and a free toaster! But it may be a bit yet.

    You see, the last word in that row is "iridescent" oof.. wish me luck!



    Argabarga vs Florida Man

    Friendly Neighborhood Towing, Ignore lines, you get fines, how can I help you?

    -Yes, you just stole my f*ckin' car!
    -Excuse me?
    -YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID!
    -Okay, which car would that be?
    -THE WHITE KIA WITH FLORIDA PLATES!
    -Ah, the one from 220 Dome Street? Yes... we
    -*interrupts* THIS IS A SCAM! YOU ONLY TOWED ME BECUASE I'M FROM FLORIDA!
    -No Sir, it was because you didn't have a permit for that lot....
    -YEAH! SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUREEE! IT'S DISCRIMINATION TO ONLY TOW CARS FROM ONE STATE, YOU KNOW?! I WILL BE COMPLAINING TO A LAWYER ABOUT THIS! *click*

    You do that.

    From what I gather from watching the news and various web humor sites, Florida Man and lawyers go together like peanut butter and crackers, or maybe more like Coyotes and Roadrunners? Either way, the law office of your choice will not be shocked to receive your call.

    FWIW: The number one destination for Pennsylvanians that move? Florida. And the number one destination for Floridians that move? The mental ward.

    In about 26 years, FEAR ME! For I hail from the Keystone state and, with years in the biz, I assure you, I am 100% ASYLUM-PROOF!



    Argabarga vs Captain Cussout

    Friendly Neighborhood Towing, Our "people towed" section is incomplete, you can help by expanding it, how may I direct your call?

    -*BLEEP* you guys! You just towed me from Pathway Shopping Plaza for NO Goddamn reason! I WAS A CUSTOMER THERE!
    -Okay, Sir, first I need you to not swear, and secondly, what vehicle is this concerning?
    -A black Jeep!
    -Alright, I have a Wrangler here, black in color, from that lot, and it looks like you were towed for exceeding the 2 hour parking limit.
    -BULLS*IT! I was there for less than an hour!
    -Sir, the tires on that Jeep were chalked by the lot monitor who checks that lot. He spotted you at 12:45, called you in at 2:55, and the tow truck got there at 3:11, so, in total, you were there for two hours plus some change.
    -NO I WASN'T! I WAS THERE FOR LIKE FIFTEEN MINUTES!
    -Didn't you just tell me it was an hour? Or can't you keep your story straight?
    -SCREW YOU AS*HOLE! IT WAS AN HOUR! NOW BRING MY FU*KING JEEP BACK, NOW!
    -We don't offer that service, Sir, you'll need to come to Friendly Neighborhood Towing to pick it up and...*click*

    Well, that was about as pleasant as a colonoscopy-via-flaming-barrel-cactus, where are people's manners these days?

    *RING*

    Well, this person surely can't be any worse than THAT charming gentleman was.

    Friendly Neigh....

    - FU*K ALL YOU FU*KING NAZI FAG*OTS! *click*

    Yeah, that was Mr. Congeniality, again. I guess he was afraid we might have somehow got the wrong conclusion about him from that little sampler plate of negative behaviors, so he had to call us back and just make SURE we knew EXACTLY what he thought of us... (Spoiler, it wasn't glowing praise)


    Oh, and that second call? It came up on the phone's caller ID as "unknown caller" when his real number showed up the first time, meaning, I think, that he had cussed us out, blocked us, and THEN called back to deliver his parting shot only after ensuring we couldn't respond even if we had wanted to. Classy!

    Geeze, "Diplomacy" my man, ever think of trying it? Just once? Just a teeny bit?

    I mean, even Prussia, the country who's National Bird was the cannonball gave being polite to their neighbors an honest try from time to time, even if they were going to invade next Friday anyway... and were NOT bringing the potato salad....

    There's no reason you couldn't have at least made a good-faith effort yourself.

    You sorry excuse for chained proteins.

    Much like potato salad.



    Why I Have Significantly More Grey Hair Now Compared to Just 15 Minutes Ago

    -Friendly Neighborhood Towing, We Make Nightmares Come True, How can I help you?
    -Yeah, uh, my car, has, like a flat? So, I was wondering if you could, like, fix that?
    -You mean a tire change?
    -Yeah!
    -As long as you have a good spare, then yes, we can do that, it's a $45 service, cash or credit.
    -Yeah, I've got, like, the spare, I just don't know how to get it out from under the car.
    -No problem, we can take care of that as long as the spare is not flat or chewed-up itself.
    -Nah, it's the one the came with the car.
    -Sure then, should be fine, I can have a guy to you in about 15 minutes, just need some extra info. Where are you located?
    -Baseball Field Apartments, by building 3
    -Okay, and what kind of car is it?
    -Uh, a Jeep Cherokee.
    -And color?

    ...

    ...

    ...

    -You mean the color of the tire?

    ...
    ...
    ...


    -Uh, no, Sir, I mean the color of your JEEP.

    ...

    -OH! Red!




    I'm not the only one here who just felt a great disturbance? Right? Felt as if a million brain cells cried out in pain before being suddenly silenced? I'm not the only one am I? You all felt that too, right?

    Okay, was just wondering.

    Strange, because I was certain there weren't any of those left in me ... neurons that weren't sufficiently stupidity-hardened to survive being exposed to that kind of idiocy, like how military-grade electronics are hardened to survive EMPs? Guess I still had a meager teaspoon full of them to donate to the cause of documenting humanity's ever-increasing and ever-accelerating fall from apex predator to decorative salad garnish first-hand.

    You know when you buy a frozen pizza? And the cooking instructions on the back of the box have a distinct bullet-point line-item that says, effectively, "remove pizza from box, do not eat the box"?

    This guy is "Exhibit A" as to why those warnings exist, and also why my psyche resembles the unholy fusion of a Pac Man game and a Hieronymus Bosch painting more and more each day.



    The Mad No-Gasser of Not-Mattoon

    Six Argabucks to anyone who got THAT reference


    We had a fuel delivery call recently, for a guy who ran out of gas....

    That's not too uncommon as of late, people are wont to try and stretch their fuel economy as the cost of gas begins to go up. But the manner and location of fuel starvation this guy suffered was pretty unique.

    He ran out while in his own driveway by leaving his car idling all afternoon, quite on purpose.

    This was the first time I can recall of a man being the victim of a self-inflicted Mad Maxing without the car even MOVING.

    We didn't ask for particulars, so my theory is he was letting his car run so the AC would continue circulating and he wouldn't be getting into a hot and sticky seat when it was finally time for him to go wherever he was going to go. I'm with him on that, it's finally warm enough here to invoke the greenhouse effect on parked vehicles and really make them swelter like a sumo wrestler's undies after only a half hour in direct sunlight. But, he should know better than to do that when the fuel gauge is on or near "E".

    While topping off the gas tank, we reminded him that the 1 gal of gas we provide per the motor club wasn't a lot and he should gas up at his earliest possible convenience, less he run out again. We also stood by to make sure the car could restart once filled. Sometimes, if run dry enough, an engine that sucks on an empty tank too long can get air pockets in the system and isn't restartable until the air is purged by tools only a garage has on hand. Fortunately, it fired right up once the tank was whetted just a bit.

    Satisfied, we start filling out the final paperwork, but notice, the guy has disappeared back into the house. It's not that we need paid (he doesn't owe us money, motor club covers all) but we do call him back and let him know if he doesn't get underway to a gas station soon, he'll be out of dead dinosaur again, especially since the sloped grade of his driveway means that the gas may go below the pick-up point in the next 20 minutes and be out even WITH liquid in the tank, and this time the club may not pay for it.

    Guy says he doesn't understand why he needs to go get gas RIGHT NOW, he's in the middle of something else.

    We again tell him that the car, even at idle, is going to chew through that gallon pretty fast.

    He seemed confused as to why that would happen. Some basics of chemistry and internal combustion were discussed, and it turns out that, well, this guy was under the impression that, now get this:

    The motor only used gas if the GAS PEDAL was pushed.... and cars can just run forever at idle


    No, I'm not kidding.

    I wish I was.

    Actually, what I'm REALLY wishing for right about now is a spare straw boater.

    If TV has told me anything over the years, it's that putting one of those hats on and dancing really badly causes a huge hook to materialize and pull you away. Right?

    I don't know exactly where the hook takes you, but it can't POSSIBLY be worse than people who think Toyota has found a way to get around obeying the laws of thermodynamics and that real cars run on wound-up tension springs just like their toy counterparts and that getting gas is just so the car makes a more impressive motor noise going down the road.

    Eeeeeeesh.... you know why you keep getting random cold calls about your car's extended warranty? You know, the one you didn't purchase on a car you might not even have? Thank THAT guy for them, because if they can just war-dial him once, just once, they've recouped the cost of the robo dialer and all the electricity it used up in the months it took to finally hit his cell. I'm sure of it.



    And those are just the relative short and sweet ones without real genuine malice (tm) behind them. Stay Tuned (tm) viewers and kids at home! There's some more meaty stuff coming here just as soon as I finish collating some of the larger cuts off this carcass of stupidity I call the public at large.

    But until then, sheep n' sleep.
    - They say nothing good happens at 2AM, they're right, I happen at 2AM.

  • #2
    I had a friend/roommate who told me that manual transmission cars only used gasoline when the gas pedal was pressed. That's why automatic cars moved when you let go of the brakes and her manual didn't.

    Even then, she knew better than to leave her car on in idle. (Not really sure where the mental disconnect was there. We were 18 at the time, so I just kind of chalked it up to she'd figure it out eventually and didn't argue the point for long.)

    Comment


    • #3
      Yay! I came back in time for new Argabarga. Victory is mine.

      Comment


      • #4
        Today was one giant irritant. New Tow Files make me much happier.

        Hugs and chocolate chip cookies.
        "Crazy may always be open for business, but on the full moon, it has buy one get one free specials." - WishfulSpirit

        "Sometimes customers remind me of zombies, but I'm pretty sure that zombies are smarter." - MelindaJoy77

        Comment


        • #5
          Wow, I only need ONE more to complete that row. Then I yell BINGO! and get to retire from the industry with my sanity and a free toaster! But it may be a bit yet.

          You see, the last word in that row is "iridescent" oof.. wish me luck!
          "It seems that many of your customers were iridescent with rage at their own stupidity."

          Will that do?
          "For a musician, the SNES sound engine is like using Crayola Crayons. Nobuo Uematsu used Crayola Crayons to paint the Sistine Chapel." - Jeremy Jahns (re: "Dancing Mad")
          "The difference between an amateur and a master is that the master has failed way more times." - JoCat
          "Thinking is difficult, therefore let the herd pronounce judgment!" ~ Carl Jung
          "There's burning bridges, and then there's the lake just to fill it with gasoline." - Wiccy, reddit
          "Retail is a cruel master, and could very well be the most educational time of many people's lives, in its own twisted way." - me
          "Love keeps her in the air when she oughta fall down...tell you she's hurtin' 'fore she keens...makes her a home." - Capt. Malcolm Reynolds, "Serenity" (2005)
          Acts of Gord – Read it, Learn it, Love it!
          "Our psychic powers only work if the customer has a mind to read." - me

          Comment


          • #6
            My word. Humans just don't understand much of anything, do they? I don't know anything about cars. Of course, I don't drive so it doesn't matter.
            Customers should always be served . . . to the nearest great white.

            Comment


            • #7
              I love your posts, they are so iridescent, and the people(?) are so stupid!

              Comment


              • #8
                The Wife and I are from Illinois. She even has relatives in the Mattoon area. I was surprised that she didn't know about the Mad Gasser.

                Any chance of getting a hold of the auto-club to find out how long it took for him to call back?
                Life is too short to not eat popcorn.
                Save the Ales!
                Toys for Tots at Rooster's Cafe

                Comment


                • #9
                  Quoth Argabarga View Post
                  The Mad No-Gasser of Not-Mattoon

                  Six Argabucks to anyone who got THAT reference
                  I grew up in not-so-far-away Decatur and have a couple of cousins in the Mattoon area. I heard the story growing up.
                  Do Agrabucks prevent towing or give a discount?
                  I'm trying to see things from your point of view, but I can't get my head that far up my keister!

                  Who is John Galt?
                  -Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Quoth taxguykarl View Post
                    Do Agrabucks prevent towing or give a discount?
                    Neither, I'm afraid, but they are edible as emergency rations in disaster situations.
                    - They say nothing good happens at 2AM, they're right, I happen at 2AM.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Quoth Argabarga View Post
                      Neither, I'm afraid, but they are edible as emergency rations in disaster situations.
                      Should I assume the Argabucks are high in fiber?
                      "I don't have to be petty. The Universe does that for me."

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        They're made from the finest Laundromat socks that Tijuana can provide!
                        - They say nothing good happens at 2AM, they're right, I happen at 2AM.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Quoth taxguykarl View Post
                          I grew up in not-so-far-away Decatur and have a couple of cousins in the Mattoon area.
                          Hey, I grew up in Champoo-Bana and never heard of that either!
                          “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged.
                          One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world.
                          The other, of course, involves orcs." -- John Rogers

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Quoth Argabarga View Post
                            They're made from the finest Laundromat socks that Tijuana can provide!
                            Great! I like Mexican cuisine.
                            "I don't have to be petty. The Universe does that for me."

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              The idea that someone thought they could let their car idle for HOURS without running out of gas is just...

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