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The hits just keep on coming....but not in a good way.
Mythical Beast
Snippets of conversation I overheard tonight on the Skytrain:
"Oh yeah, its like a cross between a lobster and a snake. Its about this big, eh."
( The crude hand gestures appear to indicate a beast roughly the size of a large healthy beaver. )
"It lives in the desert. If you run into it you gotta stand still then back away really slowly."
"It tastes like a cross between snake and Spam."
I don't normally pay attention to mutterings around me but a line like "cross between lobster and a snake" makes you pay attention pretty quick. Of course, this guy got on at Broadway and he started this conversation ( Monologue really ) at some poor stranger who could only smile, nod, and pray.
Still, I'm intrigued about this Lobnake he described. It apparently lives in desert, is the size of a beaver, is dangerous enough to merit a defensive strategy and tastes oddly like pork. What mythical creature is this Lobnake?
Timing
SC: "Have a nice day!"
Oh yes, I will, all…..lets see, 43 minutes of it that still remain. Dinkburger.
Mutant Uprising
Me: "Good evening, <company name>."
SC: "Is dis <cell company>?"
Me: "No, sorry, this is <company>."
SC: "<customer proceeds to pronounce company name like "Yee-hah">?"
Me: "Yes, <company>. <I spell it out by letter for her>."
SC: "What's <Yee-hah>?! This number was on ma receipt."
Me: "Yes, we probably handle the bill payment kiosk you paid your bill at. But we're not <cell company>."
SC: "Oh, can you put me through to <company> then?"
Me: "No, sorry, they're a separate company."
SC: "What? You don't have a number for em?!"
Me: "No I don't, sorry."
SC: "Hmph! <click!>
Despite popular belief, every operator in the world does not receive a one year training program where we memorize every number in every phone book for every trailer park, monkey hole, village, town, and city in every country in the entirety of the known world. Just on the off chance you have a brain fart and mistake us for some sort of talking, mutant phone book human hybrid beast creature that lives off caffeine and may devour small mammals if left unattended. I'm not saying I'm entirely denying it…..but still, the unsuspecting public must never know our dark, tragic secrets.
Discovery Theatre
SC: "Can you direct me to the Israeli office?"
Sure, its that way, to your right. No, you're other right. Ok, now start walking and keep walking till you hit water. Taste it first, see if its salty. If no, then swim across it and keep walking. If yes, here's the tricky part: You're going to have to swim again, but this time you're going to have to evade all the hurricanes, sharks, giant swells, icebergs and of course pirates before you hit land again. If you're really really lucky ( and happen to be say, a dolphin. ) you should eventually hit Africa. At which point you will have to start walking again but your chances from this point on don't look too good. I'm pretty sure Africa has lions. I'm not entirely sure where in Africa but I'm really hoping they're wide spread and haven't eaten in days.
So next time I'm watching the Discovery Channel, and I see a pack of lions take down a fat, waddling wildebeest, I'll think back, remember you and smile.
Tampering with Natural Selection
Me: "Good evening, <company>"
SC: "<horrific, screeching alarm in background.> There's an alarm going off here at such and such building, do you what's it for?"
That's a FIRE ALARM, you dumbass. You know, the news has a special name just for people like you. It starts with "smoke inhalation" and ends with "victim".
Argh!
SC: "Hi, my name is Bob……hello?"
Me: "Hi."
SC: "Yeah, my wife is down in Cleveland right….hello?"
Me: "…Hi."
SC: "She lost her cell phone and….hello?"
Me: "HI."
SC: "It’s the only number I have to contact at her at so….hello?"
Me: "Yes, I'm still here."
SC: "She lost it last…..hello?"
CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?
ARGH!
( Numbnuts calls back again even though I've already flagged his cell as lost in case of theft to avert any charges and opened a case for him so he can get a replacement under his insurance when the main office is in. )
SC: "Hi, I just called a few minutes ago…hello?"
Me: "Yes, hi again"
SC: "Yeah, my wife lost her cell phone a…..hello?"
Me: "Yes, I'm here."
SC: "She lost her cell phone and I'm trying to get it canceled…..hello?"
Me: "Yes."
SC: "….hello?"
Me: "HI."
SC: "Yeah that other number just redirects to you….hello?"
Oh for crying out loud, are the terrorists going to shoot her if you don't say hello at the end of every sentence? Can I talk to them for a minute? Maybe I can convince them to spare her and shoot you instead. That seems like the best solution for all parties involved.
( Side note: Numb nuts called back 4 more times, every time he would re-explain himself, with constant "hello?"s and every time we would tell him we'd already taken care of everything he just had to wait till the damn office opened to have a new phone shipped. Amazingly no, this guy wasn't from Kara's cell company. )
It Had to Be Done
Me: "Ok, and what's your name?"
SC: "blah blah Khan."
….hmmm….<looks around>. Ah what the hell. KHAAAAAAAANNNNNNN~!
Ruling out Possibilities
SC: "Is Bob there please?"
Me: "No, sorry, no one's in the office yet." ( Since its 5am )
SC: "Oh, can I speak with someone in customer service then?"
Me: "Sorry, but nobody is in the office yet."
Nobody. No one. Nope. Notta. There is not a living creature inside the office that’s currently moving around on two legs. You may think to yourself "Ha ha! But you are there, and you are somebody!" but you'd be wrong. I am neither there nor am I a somebody. I am a nobody. <sob>
How dare you catch me shoplifting!!! (I admit, I snarked...)
Ok, so I was snide today. But I had reason! Allow me to explain...
I hit 7/11 on my way home from work ( Warning, Buck Rogers ). When I walked in there were two clerks up front and the manager standing near the doors, oddly. Then I saw why: A woman by the candy aisle was so obviously shoplifting it wasn't even funny. She literally had her hand, almost to her elbow, buried in the 5 cent gummy candies and was making a show of rummaging around with her back to the clerks while she was cramming things into her coat. I don't know how long she'd been doing this but she kept at it for another minute while I was browsing.
I head to the counter to purchase my delicious honey nut cheerios and she shuffles past me towards the door. Right where the manager is waiting to see if she walks out the door so he can nail her. Sure enough, out the door she goes so he stops her and asks her to empty her pockets.
Then it began....
She launched into a screaming rant at him for daring to accuse her of shoplifting. She went on and on about how she's a "paying customer" thats "been coming her for over 5 years" and how DARE he accuse her and blah blah blah blah. He's unfazed and asks her repeatedly to empty her pockets since he saw her snag the candies. She begins telling him how she's not even going to pull 5 cents from her pockets to pay for candies she didn't steal ( Amusingly, I didn't hear the manager say candy specifically so she just as much admitted it. )
More ranting about how he's rude and blah blah, and how she's never been treated like this by people "in her world" and how "People like him should get out of her world." because there's no room for rudeness or something. Finally, the manager gets tired of dealing with her ( Not worth a screaming match in front of the store for a couple bucks worth of gummy candies. ), tells her to basically fark off and never come back.
You'd think that'd be the end, wouldn't you?
He comes back in to the store and I think its done with.....wrong. She comes tearing back in to the store after him! What the hell? She starts in on him again and demands his name so that she can COMPLAIN about him to the corporate office or whatever. She starts ranting about how he's going to get in trouble for this outrage or something. Yadda yadda yadda. She's right behind me so I'm in the terrible banshee shriek range.
So I turn and look at the two clerks and say "I don't think any of us were even in her world to begin with.". I get a laugh out of them, but I'm not sure if she heard me as she didn't stop yelling long enough. She may have though since she finally lumbered out of the store and starting making a big show outside about how awful she was treated and fuck this and that and what not. Then wandered off down the street strill griping out loud.
I don't know if she ran out of her meds or what, but it takes a lot of audacity to threaten to report someone to corporate for being rude enough to catch you shoplifting....
Mythical Beast
Snippets of conversation I overheard tonight on the Skytrain:
"Oh yeah, its like a cross between a lobster and a snake. Its about this big, eh."
( The crude hand gestures appear to indicate a beast roughly the size of a large healthy beaver. )
"It lives in the desert. If you run into it you gotta stand still then back away really slowly."
"It tastes like a cross between snake and Spam."
I don't normally pay attention to mutterings around me but a line like "cross between lobster and a snake" makes you pay attention pretty quick. Of course, this guy got on at Broadway and he started this conversation ( Monologue really ) at some poor stranger who could only smile, nod, and pray.
Still, I'm intrigued about this Lobnake he described. It apparently lives in desert, is the size of a beaver, is dangerous enough to merit a defensive strategy and tastes oddly like pork. What mythical creature is this Lobnake?
Timing
SC: "Have a nice day!"
Oh yes, I will, all…..lets see, 43 minutes of it that still remain. Dinkburger.
Mutant Uprising
Me: "Good evening, <company name>."
SC: "Is dis <cell company>?"
Me: "No, sorry, this is <company>."
SC: "<customer proceeds to pronounce company name like "Yee-hah">?"
Me: "Yes, <company>. <I spell it out by letter for her>."
SC: "What's <Yee-hah>?! This number was on ma receipt."
Me: "Yes, we probably handle the bill payment kiosk you paid your bill at. But we're not <cell company>."
SC: "Oh, can you put me through to <company> then?"
Me: "No, sorry, they're a separate company."
SC: "What? You don't have a number for em?!"
Me: "No I don't, sorry."
SC: "Hmph! <click!>
Despite popular belief, every operator in the world does not receive a one year training program where we memorize every number in every phone book for every trailer park, monkey hole, village, town, and city in every country in the entirety of the known world. Just on the off chance you have a brain fart and mistake us for some sort of talking, mutant phone book human hybrid beast creature that lives off caffeine and may devour small mammals if left unattended. I'm not saying I'm entirely denying it…..but still, the unsuspecting public must never know our dark, tragic secrets.
Discovery Theatre
SC: "Can you direct me to the Israeli office?"
Sure, its that way, to your right. No, you're other right. Ok, now start walking and keep walking till you hit water. Taste it first, see if its salty. If no, then swim across it and keep walking. If yes, here's the tricky part: You're going to have to swim again, but this time you're going to have to evade all the hurricanes, sharks, giant swells, icebergs and of course pirates before you hit land again. If you're really really lucky ( and happen to be say, a dolphin. ) you should eventually hit Africa. At which point you will have to start walking again but your chances from this point on don't look too good. I'm pretty sure Africa has lions. I'm not entirely sure where in Africa but I'm really hoping they're wide spread and haven't eaten in days.
So next time I'm watching the Discovery Channel, and I see a pack of lions take down a fat, waddling wildebeest, I'll think back, remember you and smile.
Tampering with Natural Selection
Me: "Good evening, <company>"
SC: "<horrific, screeching alarm in background.> There's an alarm going off here at such and such building, do you what's it for?"
That's a FIRE ALARM, you dumbass. You know, the news has a special name just for people like you. It starts with "smoke inhalation" and ends with "victim".
Argh!
SC: "Hi, my name is Bob……hello?"
Me: "Hi."
SC: "Yeah, my wife is down in Cleveland right….hello?"
Me: "…Hi."
SC: "She lost her cell phone and….hello?"
Me: "HI."
SC: "It’s the only number I have to contact at her at so….hello?"
Me: "Yes, I'm still here."
SC: "She lost it last…..hello?"
CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?
ARGH!
( Numbnuts calls back again even though I've already flagged his cell as lost in case of theft to avert any charges and opened a case for him so he can get a replacement under his insurance when the main office is in. )
SC: "Hi, I just called a few minutes ago…hello?"
Me: "Yes, hi again"
SC: "Yeah, my wife lost her cell phone a…..hello?"
Me: "Yes, I'm here."
SC: "She lost her cell phone and I'm trying to get it canceled…..hello?"
Me: "Yes."
SC: "….hello?"
Me: "HI."
SC: "Yeah that other number just redirects to you….hello?"
Oh for crying out loud, are the terrorists going to shoot her if you don't say hello at the end of every sentence? Can I talk to them for a minute? Maybe I can convince them to spare her and shoot you instead. That seems like the best solution for all parties involved.
( Side note: Numb nuts called back 4 more times, every time he would re-explain himself, with constant "hello?"s and every time we would tell him we'd already taken care of everything he just had to wait till the damn office opened to have a new phone shipped. Amazingly no, this guy wasn't from Kara's cell company. )
It Had to Be Done
Me: "Ok, and what's your name?"
SC: "blah blah Khan."
….hmmm….<looks around>. Ah what the hell. KHAAAAAAAANNNNNNN~!
Ruling out Possibilities
SC: "Is Bob there please?"
Me: "No, sorry, no one's in the office yet." ( Since its 5am )
SC: "Oh, can I speak with someone in customer service then?"
Me: "Sorry, but nobody is in the office yet."
Nobody. No one. Nope. Notta. There is not a living creature inside the office that’s currently moving around on two legs. You may think to yourself "Ha ha! But you are there, and you are somebody!" but you'd be wrong. I am neither there nor am I a somebody. I am a nobody. <sob>
How dare you catch me shoplifting!!! (I admit, I snarked...)
Ok, so I was snide today. But I had reason! Allow me to explain...
I hit 7/11 on my way home from work ( Warning, Buck Rogers ). When I walked in there were two clerks up front and the manager standing near the doors, oddly. Then I saw why: A woman by the candy aisle was so obviously shoplifting it wasn't even funny. She literally had her hand, almost to her elbow, buried in the 5 cent gummy candies and was making a show of rummaging around with her back to the clerks while she was cramming things into her coat. I don't know how long she'd been doing this but she kept at it for another minute while I was browsing.
I head to the counter to purchase my delicious honey nut cheerios and she shuffles past me towards the door. Right where the manager is waiting to see if she walks out the door so he can nail her. Sure enough, out the door she goes so he stops her and asks her to empty her pockets.
Then it began....
She launched into a screaming rant at him for daring to accuse her of shoplifting. She went on and on about how she's a "paying customer" thats "been coming her for over 5 years" and how DARE he accuse her and blah blah blah blah. He's unfazed and asks her repeatedly to empty her pockets since he saw her snag the candies. She begins telling him how she's not even going to pull 5 cents from her pockets to pay for candies she didn't steal ( Amusingly, I didn't hear the manager say candy specifically so she just as much admitted it. )
More ranting about how he's rude and blah blah, and how she's never been treated like this by people "in her world" and how "People like him should get out of her world." because there's no room for rudeness or something. Finally, the manager gets tired of dealing with her ( Not worth a screaming match in front of the store for a couple bucks worth of gummy candies. ), tells her to basically fark off and never come back.
You'd think that'd be the end, wouldn't you?
He comes back in to the store and I think its done with.....wrong. She comes tearing back in to the store after him! What the hell? She starts in on him again and demands his name so that she can COMPLAIN about him to the corporate office or whatever. She starts ranting about how he's going to get in trouble for this outrage or something. Yadda yadda yadda. She's right behind me so I'm in the terrible banshee shriek range.
So I turn and look at the two clerks and say "I don't think any of us were even in her world to begin with.". I get a laugh out of them, but I'm not sure if she heard me as she didn't stop yelling long enough. She may have though since she finally lumbered out of the store and starting making a big show outside about how awful she was treated and fuck this and that and what not. Then wandered off down the street strill griping out loud.
I don't know if she ran out of her meds or what, but it takes a lot of audacity to threaten to report someone to corporate for being rude enough to catch you shoplifting....
. The part about it tasting like Spam though, that I have no clue.
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