*looks back at her job description*

[Hon'ya-chan]

I am a bookseller. I don't recall these as part of my job description:

• Travel Guide
• researcher
• Mall Security/Information
• Personal Maid
• Sex Guide (aka Where is the nearest Porn shop to buy Hustler?)
• Babysitter
• Therapist
• Medical Doctor
• Porter
• Personal Shopper (unless you pay me. $100 per request)
• Girlfriend/"Baby"/Golddigger/whatever cute little "pet name"

[Lulu]

Ohhh how I feel your pain, I too am a bookseller, I am also none of those things, nor am I any of the these things either...

• a mobile phone engineer
• a free childminding service
• a cleaner of hazmat
• a walking encyclopeadia of ordnance survey maps
• an employee of the Citizens Advice Bureau
• an employee of the R.S.P.C.A

I fear people pick on us because we're a captive audience...

[Best Made Tacos]

[*]an employee of the R.S.P.C.A

Now that sounds like an intriguing story, right there!

[Boozy]

Customers thought I ran a frickin' concierge service when I waitressed.

Call you a cab? Of course, all restaurants will help you out with that.

Directions? Fine, I know this town like the back of my hand.

Good shopping spots? Absolutely, I'll refer you to the kind shopkeepers who refer their customers to us.

History of the town? Its getting a little bit much now. You'll have to buy a tour book.

Reservations at the local hotel? Yeah, you're gonna have to call THEM.

Can I hook you up with theater tickets? Are you freakin' kidding me? Is this seriously how you plan your vacations? Just wander into some random cafe and get the minimum wage waitress to act as your travel agent? Just eat your sandwich and get out.

[Hon'ya-chan]

Customers thought I ran a frickin' concierge service when I waitressed.

Call you a cab? Of course, all restaurants will help you out with that.

Directions? Fine, I know this town like the back of my hand.

Good shopping spots? Absolutely, I'll refer you to the kind shopkeepers who refer their customers to us.

History of the town? Its getting a little bit much now. You'll have to buy a tour book.

Reservations at the local hotel? Yeah, you're gonna have to call THEM.

Can I hook you up with theater tickets? Are you freakin' kidding me? Is this seriously how you plan your vacations? Just wander into some random cafe and get the minimum wage waitress to act as your travel agent? Just eat your sandwich and get out.

On some of them, I will help up to a certain point. Calling a cab or a ride is one thing; turning it into a chat fest over whos with whom is another. If you can't get a phone because of bad credit, go to Wal-Mart and buy one of those pre-paid phones.

We sell maps; if your too cheap, the Tourist Stand is just around the corner (But I never tell them that). And no, I never eat in the uber-expensive resort resturaunts.

[DGoddessChardonnay]

It's similar in grocery stores as well.

So far, I didn't see in my job description . . .

Therapist

Hazmat Detail

Coffee Goddess (this happened back at WD. No matter which store I worked at, I was the designated CoffeeMaker.)

Legal counsel (hey, where's my law degree? Did it get lost in the mail?)

Secretary

Management-Labor liasion

Fight Breaker

Personal Shopper

Babysitter (unless you pay me at least $100/hour)

Local Tech Support

In-House Medical Support

Pharmacy Consult

Electrician

Did I leave anything out?

[Marxfan]

I work in fast food. I am not a:

Verbal punching bag ("These fries are as burnt as shit!!")
Errand girl ("Could you get me some sweet 'n sour sauce, and ketchup, and another cup, and a different toy?")
Personal chef ("Make some fresh coffee!")
Sounding board ("Oh, I souldn't be eating this, I should stick to my diet, but...")
Personal maid: ("Ooops, I dropped some fries", as they walk off)
Nanny ("My kids already have this toy! Give them new ones, and make sure they're the same or they'll fight over it!")
Soda jerk ("I want some double-dipped ice cream cones!" WTF?? It's McDonald's, not Baskin-Robbins!")
Travel guide ("How do I get to the bridge from here??")

[BookstoreEscapee]

(see my screen name...)

Neither am I:

that Turn-by-Turn Direction voice: Get Onstar or go to Google maps before you leave the house. I don't have time to sit here on the phone and direct you as you drive here; I have work to do and besides, I don't want to.

Message service: No you can't call repeatedly to have us page your husband because you know he's shopping and you have an "emergency". I did it once and she called back 5 more times. Finally I had to tell the guy to call her from the pay phone and tell her to please stop calling (in other words, Talk to your wife, dammit, because I'm beginning to understand why you don't want to).

Phone book: No I don't know the number for Starbucks. If I need them I poke my head in the door and say Hey! I need you! (I did have the number for Chili's memorized, though it was the only place close enough to get dinner and actually eat it in 30 minutes without driving)

Psychic: No I don't know what kind of book your 13 year old who doesn't like to read will like. You know him better than I do...I can give you some general guidelines but that's about it. I don't know what teenage boys read. I'm a girl; at that age I read the Babysitter's Club and I doubt he'll get into that.

And no, I don't know which Parkway exit is closest; I don't take the Parkway to get here (or pretty much anywhere, for that matter). Believe it or not, not every town in NJ has an "Exit".

[Rolling Star]

I am a bookseller. I don't recall these as part of my job description:

• Sex Guide (aka Where is the nearest Porn shop to buy Hustler?)

eww....pervert. If you want a porn shop, look it up online or something.

[TNT]

When I was a CSR at the cable company, customers expected me to add the following items to my job description:

1. Television Programmer. Everything from, "Move the baseball game to another channel and put my programs back on," to, "I missed a movie on Lifetime. I'd like you to reshow it Monday night, because I'll be home then."

2. Commissioner of Major League Baseball. "It's wrong that the Yankees are blacked out in my area. I insist you show the game... NOW!"

3. Construction expert (usually on Sunday mornings). "How would I go about running a cable line 2500 feet from the pole to my house?" (I can barely run a cable from my wall jack to my TV... how in the world am I supposed to know how to run one a half mile?)

4. Keeper of the social order. "I want you to remove the gay/lesbian channel | Spanish channel | "liberal" channel | "conservative" channel... NOW!"

5. Company CEO. "Why did you raise my rates $1 a month?"

And on and on and on.

[Hon'ya-chan]

eww....pervert. If you want a porn shop, look it up online or something.

Oddly enough, I know where they are. And which convience stores sells Hustler. But I don't wanna get blamed when I tell him to go to the Multi-Millionare resort 1 hour from here as a joke.

[powerboy]

1. I am not a Tour Guide. I will tell the name of the street and side streets, and what landmarks, but that is it. If you are coming from 2-3 towns over, then forget about it
   
2. I do not order the products. I only know when they should be in.
   
3. I do not control prices. If you think that we are expensive, think again. We are actually quite cheap compared to the Big Box Stores.
   
4. We are not a porn shop. So there for, we do not sell hen-ti. Yes we have been asked, and told we should.
   
5. I am not the owner of the shopping complex. I know that the parking lot is small, and that wall out there doesn't help. Yes I do want that wall torn down, but I am not the owner.
   
6. I am not a babysitter. We are not responsible for your children

[Pagan]

Psychic: No I don't know what kind of book your 13 year old who doesn't like to read will like. You know him better than I do...I can give you some general guidelines but that's about it. I don't know what teenage boys read. I'm a girl; at that age I read the Babysitter's Club and I doubt he'll get into that.

He might, you never know these days!

I used to get this same question, but about CDs. Ma'am, I'm sorry, but having never been a 13 year old boy.... Plus the fact that when I was 13, it was in 1982 and was eagerly waiting for "Return of the Jedi" to come out the next year and busily becoming a Durannie!

[CancelMyService]

When I was a CSR at the cable company, customers expected me to add the following items to my job description:

1. Television Programmer. Everything from, "Move the baseball game to another channel and put my programs back on," to, "I missed a movie on Lifetime. I'd like you to reshow it Monday night, because I'll be home then."

2. Commissioner of Major League Baseball. "It's wrong that the Yankees are blacked out in my area. I insist you show the game... NOW!"

3. Construction expert (usually on Sunday mornings). "How would I go about running a cable line 2500 feet from the pole to my house?" (I can barely run a cable from my wall jack to my TV... how in the world am I supposed to know how to run one a half mile?)

4. Keeper of the social order. "I want you to remove the gay/lesbian channel | Spanish channel | "liberal" channel | "conservative" channel... NOW!"

5. Company CEO. "Why did you raise my rates $1 a month?"

And on and on and on.

......some more titles us cable reps carry:

Maintainer of the TV Guide: I don't know when the movie you like is being shown again. Also, I don't know why the channel you are watching changed their lineup at the last moment and left our guide showing an incorrect program. I don't have a bat phone to every channel to ask them these pressing questions.

TV Repairman: Yes, your cable box connects to the TV. No, that doesn't mean you can get me to troubleshoot your set and have a tech repair it for free because your TV doesn't have a warranty.

Credit Card Psychic: No, it doesn't tell me why your card was declined (although I'm pretty sure I could guess). I don't have access to your bank either. You're actually going to have to put forth the effort to call them yourself if you want to find out the answer.

[Gravekeeper]

Gah, I'll chime in. I'm not...

Omni-sentient Telecommunications Apparition ( OTA ):

I cannot do all, see all nor answer all. In fact, chances are if its not directly related to the company you're calling I probably don't have a clue. So no, I don't know what the "right number" is. I don't know what time "Bob" picks up his messages in the morning. I don't know if x hotel is "on the strip". I don't know if you have insurance on your cell phone. We don't even sell them. What the hell?

I do not offer OTA services. Few companies do. ( You should advise callers of this at your company as well. Sorry, we do not offer OTA services. ).


Fashion Designer:

I do not know if X item will fit you. I have never seen you before in my life and the only conclusions I can come to based on your voice are purely related to your IQ and level of education. I also do not know if X item will look good on you. Buy a mirror.


Panic Buddy(tm):

Just because its an emergency to you does not mean its an emergency to me. Do not get angry with me because I'm not as upset as you are.


Royal Adviser:

When I tell you I cannot assist you with a problem because its not something I handle, do not whine at me "Well then what am I suppose to do?!" like its my responsibility to find the answer. Because trust me, its not.


Master Technician:

I do not know how to A) Shut your water off, B) Turn your heat on, C) Why your power is off, D) How to turn off your fire alarm, E) What that beeping noise is in the hallway or F) If any of the above problems can wait till morning because you can't be bothered to deal with it right now.


Google Maps:

I do not know where that is nor what the cross street is or what its near. Invest in a map.


Google Streets:

I do not know where the &*&@ Mark is. I hope Mark is dead. I hope you slip and drop the casket at his funeral. I hope the video it ends up on YouTube.


The PC Whisperer:

I cannot ascertain what is wrong with your computer based on "It doesn't work", "Its stuck", "It doesn't start" or "All I see is numbers".


Therapist:

We do not work off of some sort of Misfortune Scale where the more individual items of unhappiness you can add to the background of a problem makes us more likely to assist you. If you're locked out and I don't have someone with keys to send to you, it doesn't matter if you're locked out after your dog died, your car broke down, your best friend being a bitch all evening, you broke up with your boyfriend and just stubbed your toe. The fact I can't help you does not change.


Mental Health Professional:

Don't even try. Chances are I will just record your call then me and my friends and coworkers will listen to it and laugh at you.




Those are just off the top of my head. I'm sure I'll remember more before I get off work tonight. ><