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Got busy at home, so I have a week's worth of Unbelievable Tales of Craptitude (except I lost one of my pages of notes, so I'll try to recall them all from memory).
SM = Sucky Man
SW = Sucky Woman
ME = Witch Queen of Customer Service
The pathetic thing is, he's serious
SM: They told me it will be up to 120 days before a new tower is ready in my area! But I don't get signal in my job, what am I supposed to do until then?
ME: Unfortunately, it takes time to get a new tower up and running, though I see you're in a pretty good coverage area.
SM: But I don't get signal at work!
ME: I'm afraid we can't guarantee service in all areas at all times, but we try to get the best service possible wherever we can.
SM: You give me credit for last 3 months of service that I haven't been able to use, and you give me credit for next 4 months until the tower is working!
ME: I....no, that will not be a possibility. You contract states that service is subject to availability, and though you may not get service at work, you get service at home, so-
SM: It is illegal to charge me for service I cannot use.
ME: First of all, you agreed to a contract of "use them or lose them" minutes, meaning that any unused minutes are lost at the end of you bill cycle. We don't charge you based on the amount of minutes you use.
SM: I-
ME: Also, you have a plan with XXXX minutes, and you average around 2400 minutes every month!
SM: But I am at work 8 hours a day! If I had signal, I could use 5000 minutes!
ME: Actually, if you add in your nights, weekends, and mobile-to-mobile, all of your unlimited minutes, you used over 5000 minutes last month.
SM: It doesn't matter how many minutes I use, that has nothing to do with it. The fact is that you cannot charge me for service I am not getting.
Yeah, sure, you're right. Don't get service at work? Free service! Don't get service in the middle of nowhere? Free service! Don't get service in the coffin I buried you alive in? Free service!
Shut up
SM: Yeah, uh, what are you guys going to do about this problem with messaging?
ME: We are aware of the unfortunate outage with messaging at this time. Our field technicians are already working to resolve the issue as soon as possible.
SM: Well, uh, I'm losing business because of this, so what are you going to do for me?
ME: Let me take a look at your account and I'll see what I might be able to do. Could I have your mobile number?
SM: That... that's not important right now.
ME: Actually, I'll need your account so I can issue 50 courtesy minutes for the issue.
SM: Look, this isn't a joke, okay. I just lost $3 million because I wasn't able to send an email and I lost out on the business deal. Now what are you going to do for me?
ME: We're not responsible for loss of business due to problems with our service.
SM: I have an account with 300 lines and I'll take them all to another company if you don't do something.
ME: Fine. Could I have your mobile number please?
SM: Is there a manager... You know what? Let me talk to your CEO. Right now!
ME: Our CEO does not have a direct line, and he doesn't take phone calls. I can give you our Executive Consumer Relations email address, but I can assure you there will not be a credit for $3 million, or any amount for that matter.
SM: You know what? That's okay, because I'm your CEO's brother-in-law.
ME: I'll tell him you called. What's your name?
SM: Uh, never mind. I'll just tell him myself.
You know why there's like a 20 minute hold time when you call customer care when there's a mass outage? Because of jackasses like this tying up the lines.
Keep in mind, we're arguing about one dollar
SM: I want to add X feature.
ME: Sure, we can add that for you for $6.99 per month.
SM: $6.99? But I thought it was $5.99.
ME: No, that feature is $6.99. Let me just go ahead and add-
SM: But my wife has it for $5.99.
ME: Hmm, no, I'm afraid that couldn't be. The feature has always been $6.99.
SM: But she got it a couple of years ago, when it was $5.99.
ME: That feature has been available since....(look it up)... September 2001. And it's always been $6.99. There have never been any promotions for that feature for a lower price.
SM: Well, I know she's got it for $5.99. I'm looking at her bill.
ME: What's her mobile phone number? I'd be happy to look it up for you.
SM: 123456789 just kidding (Okay, that's not what he said, but I couldn't resist. *Dodges flaming dagger thrown by GK*)
ME: Okay, I'm looking at her account. Yeah, she added the feature in November 2005, for $6.99.
SM: Hold on. *minutes later* Yeah, she said it was supposed to be $5.99.
ME: According to the notes on the account for that day, she called in regarding overage on her bill. We offered her a larger plan, but she stated that offer did not make her feel appreciated. So we offered the feature and she accepted it. For $6.99.
SM: But-
ME: And I just pulled up her last bill. The one you have in your hand due 06/XX?
SM: ...yeah?
ME: And you can see right on the monthly service summary where it shows X feature for $6.99.
SM: .....
ME: .....
SM: ... Uh-huh.
ME: So I'll just add that to your line for $6.99 then?
SM: ...Yeah.
PWND!
You did what?
SW: Yeah, can you tell me where one of your service centers is?
ME: I'm sorry, our what?
SW: Your service center. Where I can have somebody fix my phone.
ME: Oh, we do troubleshooting over the phone, then we send you an exchange in the mail. Are you having problems with your phone?
SW: No. Well, yeah. I lost the little screws.
ME: The what?
SW: The little screws. The ones that hold it together. So it's in pieces.
ME: You took your phone apart?
SW: Yeah. Oh, but only because I spilled a bottle of water on it. So I took it apart to get all the water out, but then I lost the screws so it's all in pieces.
ME: I'm afraid that's not covered by the warranty. We won't be able to replace it.
SW: But, I just need the little screws. Can't one of the technicians in the store give them to me?
ME: Unfortunately, we don't have technicians in the store.
SW: Oh. Well, maybe I can just take the phone back to the store.
ME: You can certainly try, but they may not accept it back since it's broken.
SW: It's not broken. It's just in pieces. But they're all there, except the screws.
ME:
Might I add that she activated A WEEK AGO! It took her seven whole days to void her warranty by getting her phone wet, then destroy it completely! This has got to be some kind of record.
This woman had the EXACT SAME accent as the Nunavut lady with the 4 digit phone number!
SW: How much you give me that Blackberry?
ME: We can get if for $249.99.
SW: Free?
ME: No, unfortunately that device is not free. But I can get it for you for $249.99.
SW: You get it me free?
ME: No, $249.99.
SW: Free?
ME: $249.99.
SW: Free?
ME: 249.99!
SW: So you get free?
ME: No. That device is not free. It is not going to be free. You are not eligible for a free phone, because you just upgraded in February. But even if you were, it still would not be free.
SW: I cancel and go to (COMPETITOR). You will lose the commission.
ME: I don't work on commission.
SW: I know! I know how it works. Don't you tell me!
Seriously, I was expecting Gravekeeper to jump on the line and shout "Gotcha!" But no, she was for real. It was almost identical in stupidity (and voice/tone) to that other call. Further proof that we share customers and/or we deal with their American/Canadian doubles.
Stupidity entitles you to nothing
SW: I want to get a new phone.
ME: Sure, let's look at our upgrade program. Is there a particular phone you're looking for?
SW: Not really. I just want a free one. Oh, and I'm not signing a contract.
ME: I'm afraid a contract will be required to get a discount.
SW: That's not fair!
ME: Your phone is still under warranty, so if you're having a problem with it I could-
SW: Look, I just got this phone in January. It got wet, now I need a new one. So what can I get for free with no contract?
Just my undying hatred. Oh, and I'll ridicule you in an online forum where my customer service brothers and sisters will delight at your misfortune.
The dreaded iPhone
SM: Yeah, just need my account number so I can transfer my service.
ME: Is there any particular reason you're going to switch? Is there something another service provider is offering that we can't get you?
SM: Yeah, the iPhone.
ME: That is an impressive phone. Although, for what it does, it's a bit overpriced. We have phones with similar features, just not the 40 or 80 gigabyte hard drive, which is really unnecessary for a phone to begin with. What features are you most interested in with the iPhone?
SM: What features. Uh, I like, uh, all... the f-features.
You don't know a thing about it, do you? You just looked up at the TV while picking lint out of your navel with your cheeto-encrusted hands to see the bright, shiny new phone advertised and a signal was transmitted into your tiny brain that made you believe you needed it. So now you're going to pay me $200 to cancel, then pay them $500 for the phone (plus activation fees, etc). And you expect to somehow make this work when you frequently get your service suspended for not paying a $50 bill on time?
How about no?
SM: Pull up the recording and hear it for yourself.
ME: I can't do that.
SM: You record calls, don't you?
ME: Calls are recorded at random, and only for quality and training purposes. They cannot be accessed at will.
SM: Well, someone has to be able to listen to them. Put me through to them.
ME: I can't do that. There's no one who can get that particular call, even if it was recorded.
SM: Why not?
ME: Because we take millions of calls a day, and it would use up all the systems resources to store all that data. As soon as calls are played back for quality assurance, they are deleted.
SM: I don't believe you.
ME: I'm sorry if you don't, but that's how it is.
SM: So if you wanted to listen to a call, who would you contact?
ME: The only calls I can hear are my own, and that's only if they've been recorded.
SM: So who would you go to if you wanted to listen to a call? Put me through to them.
ME: My supervisor can send me a call, but they're only held for a limited time. Plus, my supervisor can ONLY get calls for his own reps, not just for anyone.
SM: Put me through to a supervisor, then.
ME: I already told you-
SM: I don't want to talk to you! I already know you can't do it. Give me a supervisor!
ME: But you also already know that a supervisor can't-
SM: Supervisor! Now!
Sure, and he'll provide you with 10 more ways to say no. Enjoy.
The king of Turd Mountain
SM: I want to get a new phone. This one doesn't work.
ME: I'm sorry to hear it isn't working. We can exchange it for you since it's still-
SM: Hey! Knucklehead! Are you listening to me? I said I wanted a NEW phone. I don't want this one!
ME
:I'm sorry, what did you say?
SM: I said I want a new phone! Not the same phone, a new phone!
ME: Very well, we can check out our upgrade program. Is there a particular phone you want?
SM: I don't care. I'm not paying more than $100 for a phone, so what do you have. I ain't getting no contract either.
ME: Sadly, I don't have any phones for less than $100 without a contract. The contract allows us to discount the phone.
SM: This is bulls***! I paid for this phone, and now it doesn't work and you expect me to get a contract for another one?
ME: Yes, if you want a discount.
SM: I don't want a contract. I have a contract. So do something.
ME: Fine. You just got your phone in March, if it's not working it can be replaced.
SM: But I don't want this phone. I don't like it. I want a different phone.
ME: Then we can upgrade and you can get a phone for a discount, with a contract.
SM: You know what? Your customer service really sucks! *click!*
You know what the best part is? We were offering an alternate exchange for his phone, meaning that we could have gotten him a brand new, different kind of phone as a warranty replacement, with no contract or cost whatsoever. That's right, a substitute, no strings attached. Our warehouse does that sometimes when the manufacturer sends them more of one model of phone than what they ordered. But there's no way in hell I was going offer that to this assbag.
SM = Sucky Man
SW = Sucky Woman
ME = Witch Queen of Customer Service
The pathetic thing is, he's serious
SM: They told me it will be up to 120 days before a new tower is ready in my area! But I don't get signal in my job, what am I supposed to do until then?
ME: Unfortunately, it takes time to get a new tower up and running, though I see you're in a pretty good coverage area.
SM: But I don't get signal at work!
ME: I'm afraid we can't guarantee service in all areas at all times, but we try to get the best service possible wherever we can.
SM: You give me credit for last 3 months of service that I haven't been able to use, and you give me credit for next 4 months until the tower is working!
ME: I....no, that will not be a possibility. You contract states that service is subject to availability, and though you may not get service at work, you get service at home, so-
SM: It is illegal to charge me for service I cannot use.
ME: First of all, you agreed to a contract of "use them or lose them" minutes, meaning that any unused minutes are lost at the end of you bill cycle. We don't charge you based on the amount of minutes you use.
SM: I-
ME: Also, you have a plan with XXXX minutes, and you average around 2400 minutes every month!
SM: But I am at work 8 hours a day! If I had signal, I could use 5000 minutes!
ME: Actually, if you add in your nights, weekends, and mobile-to-mobile, all of your unlimited minutes, you used over 5000 minutes last month.
SM: It doesn't matter how many minutes I use, that has nothing to do with it. The fact is that you cannot charge me for service I am not getting.
Yeah, sure, you're right. Don't get service at work? Free service! Don't get service in the middle of nowhere? Free service! Don't get service in the coffin I buried you alive in? Free service!
Shut up
SM: Yeah, uh, what are you guys going to do about this problem with messaging?
ME: We are aware of the unfortunate outage with messaging at this time. Our field technicians are already working to resolve the issue as soon as possible.
SM: Well, uh, I'm losing business because of this, so what are you going to do for me?
ME: Let me take a look at your account and I'll see what I might be able to do. Could I have your mobile number?
SM: That... that's not important right now.
ME: Actually, I'll need your account so I can issue 50 courtesy minutes for the issue.
SM: Look, this isn't a joke, okay. I just lost $3 million because I wasn't able to send an email and I lost out on the business deal. Now what are you going to do for me?
ME: We're not responsible for loss of business due to problems with our service.
SM: I have an account with 300 lines and I'll take them all to another company if you don't do something.
ME: Fine. Could I have your mobile number please?
SM: Is there a manager... You know what? Let me talk to your CEO. Right now!
ME: Our CEO does not have a direct line, and he doesn't take phone calls. I can give you our Executive Consumer Relations email address, but I can assure you there will not be a credit for $3 million, or any amount for that matter.
SM: You know what? That's okay, because I'm your CEO's brother-in-law.
ME: I'll tell him you called. What's your name?
SM: Uh, never mind. I'll just tell him myself.
You know why there's like a 20 minute hold time when you call customer care when there's a mass outage? Because of jackasses like this tying up the lines.
Keep in mind, we're arguing about one dollar
SM: I want to add X feature.
ME: Sure, we can add that for you for $6.99 per month.
SM: $6.99? But I thought it was $5.99.
ME: No, that feature is $6.99. Let me just go ahead and add-
SM: But my wife has it for $5.99.
ME: Hmm, no, I'm afraid that couldn't be. The feature has always been $6.99.
SM: But she got it a couple of years ago, when it was $5.99.
ME: That feature has been available since....(look it up)... September 2001. And it's always been $6.99. There have never been any promotions for that feature for a lower price.
SM: Well, I know she's got it for $5.99. I'm looking at her bill.
ME: What's her mobile phone number? I'd be happy to look it up for you.
SM: 123456789 just kidding (Okay, that's not what he said, but I couldn't resist. *Dodges flaming dagger thrown by GK*)
ME: Okay, I'm looking at her account. Yeah, she added the feature in November 2005, for $6.99.
SM: Hold on. *minutes later* Yeah, she said it was supposed to be $5.99.
ME: According to the notes on the account for that day, she called in regarding overage on her bill. We offered her a larger plan, but she stated that offer did not make her feel appreciated. So we offered the feature and she accepted it. For $6.99.
SM: But-
ME: And I just pulled up her last bill. The one you have in your hand due 06/XX?
SM: ...yeah?
ME: And you can see right on the monthly service summary where it shows X feature for $6.99.
SM: .....
ME: .....
SM: ... Uh-huh.
ME: So I'll just add that to your line for $6.99 then?
SM: ...Yeah.
PWND!
You did what?
SW: Yeah, can you tell me where one of your service centers is?
ME: I'm sorry, our what?
SW: Your service center. Where I can have somebody fix my phone.
ME: Oh, we do troubleshooting over the phone, then we send you an exchange in the mail. Are you having problems with your phone?
SW: No. Well, yeah. I lost the little screws.
ME: The what?
SW: The little screws. The ones that hold it together. So it's in pieces.
ME: You took your phone apart?
SW: Yeah. Oh, but only because I spilled a bottle of water on it. So I took it apart to get all the water out, but then I lost the screws so it's all in pieces.
ME: I'm afraid that's not covered by the warranty. We won't be able to replace it.
SW: But, I just need the little screws. Can't one of the technicians in the store give them to me?
ME: Unfortunately, we don't have technicians in the store.
SW: Oh. Well, maybe I can just take the phone back to the store.
ME: You can certainly try, but they may not accept it back since it's broken.
SW: It's not broken. It's just in pieces. But they're all there, except the screws.
ME:
Might I add that she activated A WEEK AGO! It took her seven whole days to void her warranty by getting her phone wet, then destroy it completely! This has got to be some kind of record.
This woman had the EXACT SAME accent as the Nunavut lady with the 4 digit phone number!
SW: How much you give me that Blackberry?
ME: We can get if for $249.99.
SW: Free?
ME: No, unfortunately that device is not free. But I can get it for you for $249.99.
SW: You get it me free?
ME: No, $249.99.
SW: Free?
ME: $249.99.
SW: Free?
ME: 249.99!
SW: So you get free?
ME: No. That device is not free. It is not going to be free. You are not eligible for a free phone, because you just upgraded in February. But even if you were, it still would not be free.
SW: I cancel and go to (COMPETITOR). You will lose the commission.
ME: I don't work on commission.
SW: I know! I know how it works. Don't you tell me!
Seriously, I was expecting Gravekeeper to jump on the line and shout "Gotcha!" But no, she was for real. It was almost identical in stupidity (and voice/tone) to that other call. Further proof that we share customers and/or we deal with their American/Canadian doubles.
Stupidity entitles you to nothing
SW: I want to get a new phone.
ME: Sure, let's look at our upgrade program. Is there a particular phone you're looking for?
SW: Not really. I just want a free one. Oh, and I'm not signing a contract.
ME: I'm afraid a contract will be required to get a discount.
SW: That's not fair!
ME: Your phone is still under warranty, so if you're having a problem with it I could-
SW: Look, I just got this phone in January. It got wet, now I need a new one. So what can I get for free with no contract?
Just my undying hatred. Oh, and I'll ridicule you in an online forum where my customer service brothers and sisters will delight at your misfortune.
The dreaded iPhone
SM: Yeah, just need my account number so I can transfer my service.
ME: Is there any particular reason you're going to switch? Is there something another service provider is offering that we can't get you?
SM: Yeah, the iPhone.
ME: That is an impressive phone. Although, for what it does, it's a bit overpriced. We have phones with similar features, just not the 40 or 80 gigabyte hard drive, which is really unnecessary for a phone to begin with. What features are you most interested in with the iPhone?
SM: What features. Uh, I like, uh, all... the f-features.
You don't know a thing about it, do you? You just looked up at the TV while picking lint out of your navel with your cheeto-encrusted hands to see the bright, shiny new phone advertised and a signal was transmitted into your tiny brain that made you believe you needed it. So now you're going to pay me $200 to cancel, then pay them $500 for the phone (plus activation fees, etc). And you expect to somehow make this work when you frequently get your service suspended for not paying a $50 bill on time?
How about no?
SM: Pull up the recording and hear it for yourself.
ME: I can't do that.
SM: You record calls, don't you?
ME: Calls are recorded at random, and only for quality and training purposes. They cannot be accessed at will.
SM: Well, someone has to be able to listen to them. Put me through to them.
ME: I can't do that. There's no one who can get that particular call, even if it was recorded.
SM: Why not?
ME: Because we take millions of calls a day, and it would use up all the systems resources to store all that data. As soon as calls are played back for quality assurance, they are deleted.
SM: I don't believe you.
ME: I'm sorry if you don't, but that's how it is.
SM: So if you wanted to listen to a call, who would you contact?
ME: The only calls I can hear are my own, and that's only if they've been recorded.
SM: So who would you go to if you wanted to listen to a call? Put me through to them.
ME: My supervisor can send me a call, but they're only held for a limited time. Plus, my supervisor can ONLY get calls for his own reps, not just for anyone.
SM: Put me through to a supervisor, then.
ME: I already told you-
SM: I don't want to talk to you! I already know you can't do it. Give me a supervisor!
ME: But you also already know that a supervisor can't-
SM: Supervisor! Now!
Sure, and he'll provide you with 10 more ways to say no. Enjoy.
The king of Turd Mountain
SM: I want to get a new phone. This one doesn't work.
ME: I'm sorry to hear it isn't working. We can exchange it for you since it's still-
SM: Hey! Knucklehead! Are you listening to me? I said I wanted a NEW phone. I don't want this one!
ME
:I'm sorry, what did you say?SM: I said I want a new phone! Not the same phone, a new phone!
ME: Very well, we can check out our upgrade program. Is there a particular phone you want?
SM: I don't care. I'm not paying more than $100 for a phone, so what do you have. I ain't getting no contract either.
ME: Sadly, I don't have any phones for less than $100 without a contract. The contract allows us to discount the phone.
SM: This is bulls***! I paid for this phone, and now it doesn't work and you expect me to get a contract for another one?
ME: Yes, if you want a discount.
SM: I don't want a contract. I have a contract. So do something.
ME: Fine. You just got your phone in March, if it's not working it can be replaced.
SM: But I don't want this phone. I don't like it. I want a different phone.
ME: Then we can upgrade and you can get a phone for a discount, with a contract.
SM: You know what? Your customer service really sucks! *click!*
You know what the best part is? We were offering an alternate exchange for his phone, meaning that we could have gotten him a brand new, different kind of phone as a warranty replacement, with no contract or cost whatsoever. That's right, a substitute, no strings attached. Our warehouse does that sometimes when the manufacturer sends them more of one model of phone than what they ordered. But there's no way in hell I was going offer that to this assbag.
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