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1. If you have to ask if I know who you are, I don't care.
2. If you think I have to do something, you are about to be seriously disappointed in life.
3. No, I do not speak Spanish, French, German, Russian, Indonesian, Chinese, Mandarin Chinese, Japanese, Italian, Yugoslavian, Portugese, Ainu, Balti, Saudia Arabian, Persian, Turkish, Greek, Swedish, Cherokee, Danish, Cornish, Estonian, Finnish, Fugi, American Samoa, Non American Samoa, *deep breath* Haitian, Isban, Icelandic, Judeo-Araimic, Kaichan, Kirombo, Kirundi, Latin, Ludic, Maya, Nogai, Polish, Palumba, Punjabi, Quebec Sign Language, or Zwahili. I speak English.
4. If you don't know what it is, DON'T TOUCH IT
5. I am not your personal shopping assistant and you are not Paris Hilton.
6. If you know the owner, then you know he won't give you a discount either.
7. I AM the guy who talked to you on the phone. Stop saying I'm going to do something I didn't tell you I would do.
8. I am NOT the guy who talked to you on the phone. What the hell are you yelling at me for?
9. Yes, I do work here. That's why my name tag says very clearly X company, X department. And believe it or not, they don't put me in a department I know nothing about. Stop asking me if I know about the department. Obviously I know where I am, which is more than I can say for you.
10. No I do NOT work here. That's why my uniform's a different color, my basket is full of goods to purchase, I can flip you off as I waltz away, and I'm smiling.
11. If I have to put up with your stale humor, then I should get to pop your head like a zit.
12. If you leave your kids with me, don't expect them to be here when you return hours later. I am not free day care, but Child Services is.
13. If you leave a humongous mess and no tip, the next time you come in and ask for me , don't expect me to be very friendly.
14. The Closed sign does, in fact, apply to you.
15. Beating on and screaming at the door after we're closed earns you a trip with a friendly policeman.
16. Beating on and screaming at the door before we're open earns you a trip with a friendly policeman.
17. If you call me on the phone and you don't get to the point in fifteen seconds or less, I'm hanging up.
18. Tantrums don't intimidate me. They make me giggle.
19. No dealers means no dealers. And one per household means one per household. Stop coming to me with armfuls of crap with every freaking relative you have in the country.
20. I do not care for your musical talents.
21. Bathing is mandatory.
22. I can in fact tell you didn't bathe, even if you drown yourself in Eau de White Trash.
23. It's called toothpaste. It's not expensive.
24. It's called toilet paper. It's even less expensive.
25. You do not get a better discount than I do.
26. You do not get a better chance with my hot coworker than I do.
27. If you insist on paying with a check then fill out things like the date and the company name before you get in line. Stop waiting for the last goddamn minute when you've known all day where you will shop.
28. I am not the phone directory. Go through the menu like everyone else.
29. I am not MapQuest.
30. I am not Southwestern Bell Yellow Pages.
31. I had nothing to do with how your piece of crap was put together.
32. I do not know what's on sale next week, nor will I tell you even if I did.
33. I don't want to know what that noise was.
34. I don't want to know what that smell was.
35. If I can't masturbate in the bathroom, neither can you. (Yes, I've run into all three of these)
36. Shopping carts do not equal bumper cars.
37. Heelies are not allowed.
38. I don't care if your child is the Lord Jesus Christ, Heelies are still not allowed.
39. Screaming at me only embarrasses yourself.
40. I don't care how big a hurry you're in. You're on my time. Obviously you planned poorly.
41. Don't threaten me with "I'll never shop here again!" when you're holding a pack of gum.
42. Don't threaten me with "Do you know how much I spend here?!" when I can pull up your records and show you you've never shopped here in your life.
43. Don't threaten to have my job, because I just might give it to you.
44. I don't care about your divorce, your kids, your day, the fact that you're gassy, or your cat Fluffy.
45. Customer Service does not mean what you think it does. Pervert.
46. Pitching a fit in line does not make me move faster. It makes me move slower.
47. If I tell the four people ahead of you that I can only take debit or credit, don't come up to me expecting to pay with cash and get pissed off.
48. This is not the library, we do not want ten thousand kids on our laptops surfing My Space.
49. If you don't discipline your children, I will.
50. I don't care if you know and are on personal good terms with the President of the United States. I am not your bitch.
I didn't mean to have fifty of these, but it was therapeutic. Feel free to add.
2. If you think I have to do something, you are about to be seriously disappointed in life.
3. No, I do not speak Spanish, French, German, Russian, Indonesian, Chinese, Mandarin Chinese, Japanese, Italian, Yugoslavian, Portugese, Ainu, Balti, Saudia Arabian, Persian, Turkish, Greek, Swedish, Cherokee, Danish, Cornish, Estonian, Finnish, Fugi, American Samoa, Non American Samoa, *deep breath* Haitian, Isban, Icelandic, Judeo-Araimic, Kaichan, Kirombo, Kirundi, Latin, Ludic, Maya, Nogai, Polish, Palumba, Punjabi, Quebec Sign Language, or Zwahili. I speak English.
4. If you don't know what it is, DON'T TOUCH IT
5. I am not your personal shopping assistant and you are not Paris Hilton.
6. If you know the owner, then you know he won't give you a discount either.
7. I AM the guy who talked to you on the phone. Stop saying I'm going to do something I didn't tell you I would do.
8. I am NOT the guy who talked to you on the phone. What the hell are you yelling at me for?
9. Yes, I do work here. That's why my name tag says very clearly X company, X department. And believe it or not, they don't put me in a department I know nothing about. Stop asking me if I know about the department. Obviously I know where I am, which is more than I can say for you.
10. No I do NOT work here. That's why my uniform's a different color, my basket is full of goods to purchase, I can flip you off as I waltz away, and I'm smiling.
11. If I have to put up with your stale humor, then I should get to pop your head like a zit.
12. If you leave your kids with me, don't expect them to be here when you return hours later. I am not free day care, but Child Services is.
13. If you leave a humongous mess and no tip, the next time you come in and ask for me , don't expect me to be very friendly.
14. The Closed sign does, in fact, apply to you.
15. Beating on and screaming at the door after we're closed earns you a trip with a friendly policeman.
16. Beating on and screaming at the door before we're open earns you a trip with a friendly policeman.
17. If you call me on the phone and you don't get to the point in fifteen seconds or less, I'm hanging up.
18. Tantrums don't intimidate me. They make me giggle.
19. No dealers means no dealers. And one per household means one per household. Stop coming to me with armfuls of crap with every freaking relative you have in the country.
20. I do not care for your musical talents.
21. Bathing is mandatory.
22. I can in fact tell you didn't bathe, even if you drown yourself in Eau de White Trash.
23. It's called toothpaste. It's not expensive.
24. It's called toilet paper. It's even less expensive.
25. You do not get a better discount than I do.
26. You do not get a better chance with my hot coworker than I do.
27. If you insist on paying with a check then fill out things like the date and the company name before you get in line. Stop waiting for the last goddamn minute when you've known all day where you will shop.
28. I am not the phone directory. Go through the menu like everyone else.
29. I am not MapQuest.
30. I am not Southwestern Bell Yellow Pages.
31. I had nothing to do with how your piece of crap was put together.
32. I do not know what's on sale next week, nor will I tell you even if I did.
33. I don't want to know what that noise was.
34. I don't want to know what that smell was.
35. If I can't masturbate in the bathroom, neither can you. (Yes, I've run into all three of these)
36. Shopping carts do not equal bumper cars.
37. Heelies are not allowed.
38. I don't care if your child is the Lord Jesus Christ, Heelies are still not allowed.
39. Screaming at me only embarrasses yourself.
40. I don't care how big a hurry you're in. You're on my time. Obviously you planned poorly.
41. Don't threaten me with "I'll never shop here again!" when you're holding a pack of gum.
42. Don't threaten me with "Do you know how much I spend here?!" when I can pull up your records and show you you've never shopped here in your life.
43. Don't threaten to have my job, because I just might give it to you.
44. I don't care about your divorce, your kids, your day, the fact that you're gassy, or your cat Fluffy.
45. Customer Service does not mean what you think it does. Pervert.
46. Pitching a fit in line does not make me move faster. It makes me move slower.
47. If I tell the four people ahead of you that I can only take debit or credit, don't come up to me expecting to pay with cash and get pissed off.
48. This is not the library, we do not want ten thousand kids on our laptops surfing My Space.
49. If you don't discipline your children, I will.
50. I don't care if you know and are on personal good terms with the President of the United States. I am not your bitch.
I didn't mean to have fifty of these, but it was therapeutic. Feel free to add.
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