Tweet
>.>
Proximity
SC: "How far from the hotel is the room?"
As you know I do not profess to being an expert on many things, however I can assure you that the distance between the hotel and the hotel room is quite minimal. In fact I'd be willing to wager a substantial sum on the fact that its pretty God damn Jesus waffle close.
Expanding the Frontlines
Me: "and what's the problem?"
SC: "Alberta."
I already told you tha-….oh, Alberta? Hmmm….well I suppose if I'm aiming for complete anarchy across the prairies I guess adding one more couldn't hurt. I must expand my target from bovine to oil, however. Oil is rather easy since its flammable. Bovine aren't. Well, ok, yes they, it just takes longer to get them started. But I don't really have that kind of attention span.
Unusual Requests
"I need a hotel room with a fridge!"
….I'm really trying to figure out why. It can't be booze, that keeps well at room temperature and can be resealed. I doubt you have perishable foodstuffs that would be critical enough to merit trying to find a hotel with a fridge after coming off of a 5 hour flight…..so I guess that just leaves organ smuggling? Just fill a bath tube full of ice and throw it in there. I mean it worked for the guy you..acquired...it from to begin with. May as well go with what you know.
I Had a Mild....snark leak.
Me: "Good morning, <company name>"
SC: "You gotta problem?!"
Me: "Pardon?"
SC: "YOU GOT A PROBLEM!"
Me: "What's the problem?"
SC: "I'm on your website and it says I can't connect."
Me: "Alright, where on the website are you?"
( I bring up our website.... )
SC: "See where it says blahblah on the top right menu?"
( There's nothing remotely like what he said on the menu.... )
Me: "Hmmmm...."
SC: "See it!?"
Me: "No, sorry."
SC: "!! are you on your website?!"
Me: "Yes."
SC: "Can you go to my website?!"
( Alright, enough of this stupidity...change of direction )
Me: "Ok, if you're having difficulties I can put you through to our on call technician-"
SC: "I'm not having difficulties! Your website doesn't connect!"
Me: "Yes, that would be a difficulty."
SC: "Why are you talking to me like I'm some kind of idiot?!"
Oh, I don't know...because you ARE? You friggan raging anal walrus. I'm trying to pawn you off to the tech so I can get the hell away from you. He may hate me for it but they pay him more then they do me to put up with this idiocy. Let him try and figure this out.
I Hate the word "Only"
Me: "The only thing I have there is the <hotel> for $109."
SC: "Damn, do you have anything else?"
Me: "No, that's the only thing I have."
SC: "is there anywhere else?"
Me: "No."
SC: "One sec, lemme put her on the phone…."
Me: "….."
SC: "<someone else comes on the line.>"
SC: "What do you have?"
Me: "The only thing I have is the <hotel> for $109"
SC: "Do you have anything else?"
No. As I just told the other half of the mongoloid tag team championship holders, no, I have nothing else. That is what "only" implies. That there is nothing else. There are no other options. Picture the words "<hotel>" in your head ( Add sparkles and a puppy if you want. ). Now picture them floating in the vastness of space. See that black, endless, life smothering, airless void surrounding it on all sides that goes on for as far as the human eye can see? *That* is your other options. Complete nothingness.
Determination
Me: "Good evening, <company name that sounds nothing like a taxi>"
SC: "Is this a taxi?"
Me: "No."
SC: "No? Is this a taxi?"
Me: "No, its not."
SC: "Is this a taxi?"
Me: "No."
SC: "Taxi?"
Me: "NO."
No, dammit. NO. You do know what no means right? Think back to when they were handing out brains and you were standing in line waiting. Remember the word you used when you got to the front? Yeah, that one. Got it? Good. Now go take a nap on some train tracks.
Precious
Me: "and what's the problem?"
SC: "You know the pump monitor that I uses?"
"That I uses"? What's wrong with it? Did the filthy, nasty hobbitzes steal it from you?
Animal Activism
( Background: This is a city district *emergency line*. it is for dispatching city work crews to abject disasters such as water main bursts. The city does have an animal shelter but I can't send out animal control officers at 3am unless an animal is out goring children or something. )
( PS: The area she's talking about is practically IN the god damn woods. Coyotes, cougars, deer, etc are all rather commonplace in the area. )
Me: "Good evening, <city>"
SC: "Yes, I saw a deer over by blahblah and-"
( She proceeds to give me a psychotically detailed account of where this deer is and everywhere its been over past 4 days as if she's been following it around. )
SC: "Its been around for 4 days! It's needs food and water!"
( Badgering and stalking wildlife, check. )
Me: "Ok...well there really isn't anything I can do unless the deer has been injured."
SC: "What do you mean there's nothing you can do?! Its hungry! Its probably on the Indian reserve by now and they're probably taunting it and throwing rocks at it!"
( Racism, check. )
Me: "I can take a report on it if you like but there's really nothing I can do at this time of night. As long as the deer isn't injured."
( Leave the damn thing alone, woman. )
SC: "What do you mean?! So you're saying you don't care about this dear?!"
Me: "We mainly deal with domestic animals. When it comes to wildlife I cannot send anyone out at this time of night unless its been injured."
SC: "So you're saying you don't care! IT COULD GET HIT BY A CAR!"
Me: "I'm simply saying I cannot do anything about a deer unless its been hurt."
( What I'm trying to say is LEAVE THE POOR THING ALONE you crazed PETA fucktard. )
SC: "THEN WHAT ABOUT COYOTES?!"
Me: "Pardon?"
SC: "What do you do about coyotes?!"
Me: "If there's an aggressive coyote in the area then yes I send someone-"
SC: "They're all aggressive! THEY EAT BABIES!"
Me: ".....as I said if there's an aggressive animal in the area I can send-"
SC: "They're killing people's pets and attacking children!"
Me: "....ok, is there anything else I can help you with aside from the deer?"
( AKA: I'm done with your BS unless you can give me a valid reason to continue. )
SC: "No! You should be out shooting all the coyotes! They're dangerous!"
( Ok, so you want me to wake someone up at 3am to go force feed a deer, but if it was a coyote you want me to send someone to shoot it in the face? Bravo. )
Me: "Is there anything else I can help you with?"
SC: "No! <slams down phone>"
Argghh.....just...arggghhh. Just because you saw a deer in the woods at the end of the road doesn't mean the friggan thing is wandering the Big City lost and confused. You live next to a forest! DEER LIVE IN THE FOREST. Just....oh I hate you so much. I hope the deer breaks into your home and bites you in the face in your sleep. You know, because its hungry.
If you want me I'll be in the corner rocking back and forth.
Proximity
SC: "How far from the hotel is the room?"
As you know I do not profess to being an expert on many things, however I can assure you that the distance between the hotel and the hotel room is quite minimal. In fact I'd be willing to wager a substantial sum on the fact that its pretty God damn Jesus waffle close.
Expanding the Frontlines
Me: "and what's the problem?"
SC: "Alberta."
I already told you tha-….oh, Alberta? Hmmm….well I suppose if I'm aiming for complete anarchy across the prairies I guess adding one more couldn't hurt. I must expand my target from bovine to oil, however. Oil is rather easy since its flammable. Bovine aren't. Well, ok, yes they, it just takes longer to get them started. But I don't really have that kind of attention span.
Unusual Requests
"I need a hotel room with a fridge!"
….I'm really trying to figure out why. It can't be booze, that keeps well at room temperature and can be resealed. I doubt you have perishable foodstuffs that would be critical enough to merit trying to find a hotel with a fridge after coming off of a 5 hour flight…..so I guess that just leaves organ smuggling? Just fill a bath tube full of ice and throw it in there. I mean it worked for the guy you..acquired...it from to begin with. May as well go with what you know.
I Had a Mild....snark leak.
Me: "Good morning, <company name>"
SC: "You gotta problem?!"
Me: "Pardon?"
SC: "YOU GOT A PROBLEM!"
Me: "What's the problem?"
SC: "I'm on your website and it says I can't connect."
Me: "Alright, where on the website are you?"
( I bring up our website.... )
SC: "See where it says blahblah on the top right menu?"
( There's nothing remotely like what he said on the menu.... )
Me: "Hmmmm...."
SC: "See it!?"
Me: "No, sorry."
SC: "!! are you on your website?!"
Me: "Yes."
SC: "Can you go to my website?!"
( Alright, enough of this stupidity...change of direction )
Me: "Ok, if you're having difficulties I can put you through to our on call technician-"
SC: "I'm not having difficulties! Your website doesn't connect!"
Me: "Yes, that would be a difficulty."
SC: "Why are you talking to me like I'm some kind of idiot?!"
Oh, I don't know...because you ARE? You friggan raging anal walrus. I'm trying to pawn you off to the tech so I can get the hell away from you. He may hate me for it but they pay him more then they do me to put up with this idiocy. Let him try and figure this out.
I Hate the word "Only"
Me: "The only thing I have there is the <hotel> for $109."
SC: "Damn, do you have anything else?"
Me: "No, that's the only thing I have."
SC: "is there anywhere else?"
Me: "No."
SC: "One sec, lemme put her on the phone…."
Me: "….."
SC: "<someone else comes on the line.>"
SC: "What do you have?"
Me: "The only thing I have is the <hotel> for $109"
SC: "Do you have anything else?"
No. As I just told the other half of the mongoloid tag team championship holders, no, I have nothing else. That is what "only" implies. That there is nothing else. There are no other options. Picture the words "<hotel>" in your head ( Add sparkles and a puppy if you want. ). Now picture them floating in the vastness of space. See that black, endless, life smothering, airless void surrounding it on all sides that goes on for as far as the human eye can see? *That* is your other options. Complete nothingness.
Determination
Me: "Good evening, <company name that sounds nothing like a taxi>"
SC: "Is this a taxi?"
Me: "No."
SC: "No? Is this a taxi?"
Me: "No, its not."
SC: "Is this a taxi?"
Me: "No."
SC: "Taxi?"
Me: "NO."
No, dammit. NO. You do know what no means right? Think back to when they were handing out brains and you were standing in line waiting. Remember the word you used when you got to the front? Yeah, that one. Got it? Good. Now go take a nap on some train tracks.
Precious
Me: "and what's the problem?"
SC: "You know the pump monitor that I uses?"
"That I uses"? What's wrong with it? Did the filthy, nasty hobbitzes steal it from you?
Animal Activism
( Background: This is a city district *emergency line*. it is for dispatching city work crews to abject disasters such as water main bursts. The city does have an animal shelter but I can't send out animal control officers at 3am unless an animal is out goring children or something. )
( PS: The area she's talking about is practically IN the god damn woods. Coyotes, cougars, deer, etc are all rather commonplace in the area. )
Me: "Good evening, <city>"
SC: "Yes, I saw a deer over by blahblah and-"
( She proceeds to give me a psychotically detailed account of where this deer is and everywhere its been over past 4 days as if she's been following it around. )
SC: "Its been around for 4 days! It's needs food and water!"
( Badgering and stalking wildlife, check. )
Me: "Ok...well there really isn't anything I can do unless the deer has been injured."
SC: "What do you mean there's nothing you can do?! Its hungry! Its probably on the Indian reserve by now and they're probably taunting it and throwing rocks at it!"
( Racism, check. )
Me: "I can take a report on it if you like but there's really nothing I can do at this time of night. As long as the deer isn't injured."
( Leave the damn thing alone, woman. )
SC: "What do you mean?! So you're saying you don't care about this dear?!"
Me: "We mainly deal with domestic animals. When it comes to wildlife I cannot send anyone out at this time of night unless its been injured."
SC: "So you're saying you don't care! IT COULD GET HIT BY A CAR!"
Me: "I'm simply saying I cannot do anything about a deer unless its been hurt."
( What I'm trying to say is LEAVE THE POOR THING ALONE you crazed PETA fucktard. )
SC: "THEN WHAT ABOUT COYOTES?!"
Me: "Pardon?"
SC: "What do you do about coyotes?!"
Me: "If there's an aggressive coyote in the area then yes I send someone-"
SC: "They're all aggressive! THEY EAT BABIES!"
Me: ".....as I said if there's an aggressive animal in the area I can send-"
SC: "They're killing people's pets and attacking children!"
Me: "....ok, is there anything else I can help you with aside from the deer?"
( AKA: I'm done with your BS unless you can give me a valid reason to continue. )
SC: "No! You should be out shooting all the coyotes! They're dangerous!"
( Ok, so you want me to wake someone up at 3am to go force feed a deer, but if it was a coyote you want me to send someone to shoot it in the face? Bravo. )
Me: "Is there anything else I can help you with?"
SC: "No! <slams down phone>"
Argghh.....just...arggghhh. Just because you saw a deer in the woods at the end of the road doesn't mean the friggan thing is wandering the Big City lost and confused. You live next to a forest! DEER LIVE IN THE FOREST. Just....oh I hate you so much. I hope the deer breaks into your home and bites you in the face in your sleep. You know, because its hungry.
If you want me I'll be in the corner rocking back and forth.
"You'd feel a Hell of a lot better if you'd just rip into the occasional customer." 
Although I have a feeling that I shouldn't be laughing at this, I did.
I am so glad that I was not drinking my coke when reading this. 
Great, just great! Now I need to clean off my monitor and keyboard! And I seem to be humming "Blame Canada" again! 
*ducks and scurries away*
Comment