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Fashion Trends
You know that look where women wear their jeans 4 inches too low and their thong 5 inches too high? Yes, well I saw that on a crackhead tonight pushing a shopping cart. You know what you do when you see a crackhead in a thong pushing a shopping cart go by right? That's right. Close your eyes and make a wish! ( It shouldn't be too hard to think of one. Several should leap to mind before you even manage to close your eyes. )
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The rain may have forced me to forgo my sandals but I still refuse to wear pants! ….er…I mean, you know, instead of shorts.
( I like to keep management confused. )
Limits
Me: "Good morning, dispatch, could I have the pager number please?"
SC: "604-xxx-xxxx" ( The main dispatch line. )
Me: "Ok, but I need a 3 to 4 digit pager number." ( He needs to give me the extension. ;p )
SC: "Uh…hmmm….., ok. 604-xxx-xxxx" ( Same number... )
Me: "……"
I imposed a numerical restriction upon you for a reason, stumplicker. Abide by it and I assure you this process will go much smoother. Then we may both resume or normal everyday lives. I shall return to work and you can return to, well, stump licking. Exciting career that one.
Persistence
SC: "They haven't called me back! I was emailin' em all day the day before yesterday, den callin' all yesterday so now I'm callin' again today!"
Patience is a virtue. This, however, seems more like stalking. I assure you I am not your ex girlfriend and any passing resemblance I may have to her makes me wonder why you'd want her back to begin with.
Yay!
Me: "and your name please?"
SC: "My name is Kristy!"
( In a high pitched, bubbly cartoon character sort of Texan cheerleader voice. )
Yay! I'm not sure why you're so happy or what's going on but I get the sense this is going to end in finger paint and talking stuffed animals.
867
Me: "and what would you like to order?"
SC: "raf tem reed pan"
Me: "……..I'm sorry?"
SC: "raf team ree pat"
Me: "….."
…..can I buy a vowel?
Unrealistic Expectations
Me: "Alright, well I'll escalate that for you then and I'll have a tech check that machine ( it froze on her ) and ensure your payment goes through."
SC: "But now I gotta' go all da way to another machine to pay the rest of my bill"
Me: "……"
SC: "……"
Me: "I'm afraid I can't really help you with that."
SC: "Oh."
Wait, you're expecting me to do something about that? What, precisely did you think I was going to do? Call a cab for you? Arrange for limo service? Oh, wait, I know. Let me get 3 of my fellow coworkers here. We'll all hop on the next plane down, arrive in downtown Memphis, construct you an elaborate litter from whatever materials we can find locally ( Beer cans, KFC buckets and Elvis memorabilia should suffice ) and then the four of us will carry your glorious, walrus like carcass upon our shoulders to the nearest machine to finish paying your cell phone bill.
Lost in Translation
The only words you said that I understood were "His", "Phone" and "Ya'll". The other 2 paragraphs worth was about as intelligible as a drunken Teletubby barkin' come on's at a Hooter's waitress.
Last night was actually kind of quiet. ;p
Fashion Trends
You know that look where women wear their jeans 4 inches too low and their thong 5 inches too high? Yes, well I saw that on a crackhead tonight pushing a shopping cart. You know what you do when you see a crackhead in a thong pushing a shopping cart go by right? That's right. Close your eyes and make a wish! ( It shouldn't be too hard to think of one. Several should leap to mind before you even manage to close your eyes. )
More Fashion Trends
The rain may have forced me to forgo my sandals but I still refuse to wear pants! ….er…I mean, you know, instead of shorts.
( I like to keep management confused. )
Limits
Me: "Good morning, dispatch, could I have the pager number please?"
SC: "604-xxx-xxxx" ( The main dispatch line. )
Me: "Ok, but I need a 3 to 4 digit pager number." ( He needs to give me the extension. ;p )
SC: "Uh…hmmm….., ok. 604-xxx-xxxx" ( Same number... )
Me: "……"
I imposed a numerical restriction upon you for a reason, stumplicker. Abide by it and I assure you this process will go much smoother. Then we may both resume or normal everyday lives. I shall return to work and you can return to, well, stump licking. Exciting career that one.
Persistence
SC: "They haven't called me back! I was emailin' em all day the day before yesterday, den callin' all yesterday so now I'm callin' again today!"
Patience is a virtue. This, however, seems more like stalking. I assure you I am not your ex girlfriend and any passing resemblance I may have to her makes me wonder why you'd want her back to begin with.
Yay!
Me: "and your name please?"
SC: "My name is Kristy!"
( In a high pitched, bubbly cartoon character sort of Texan cheerleader voice. )
Yay! I'm not sure why you're so happy or what's going on but I get the sense this is going to end in finger paint and talking stuffed animals.
867
Me: "and what would you like to order?"
SC: "raf tem reed pan"
Me: "……..I'm sorry?"
SC: "raf team ree pat"
Me: "….."
…..can I buy a vowel?
Unrealistic Expectations
Me: "Alright, well I'll escalate that for you then and I'll have a tech check that machine ( it froze on her ) and ensure your payment goes through."
SC: "But now I gotta' go all da way to another machine to pay the rest of my bill"
Me: "……"
SC: "……"
Me: "I'm afraid I can't really help you with that."
SC: "Oh."
Wait, you're expecting me to do something about that? What, precisely did you think I was going to do? Call a cab for you? Arrange for limo service? Oh, wait, I know. Let me get 3 of my fellow coworkers here. We'll all hop on the next plane down, arrive in downtown Memphis, construct you an elaborate litter from whatever materials we can find locally ( Beer cans, KFC buckets and Elvis memorabilia should suffice ) and then the four of us will carry your glorious, walrus like carcass upon our shoulders to the nearest machine to finish paying your cell phone bill.
Lost in Translation
The only words you said that I understood were "His", "Phone" and "Ya'll". The other 2 paragraphs worth was about as intelligible as a drunken Teletubby barkin' come on's at a Hooter's waitress.
Last night was actually kind of quiet. ;p
- Angelspit, '100%'
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