Stupid Customer Jokes

[sms001]

These are a continuation of a thread from near the biginning of July but I couldn't find it to add on to. In advance, YES I DO realize how lucky I was....

I worked in a great c-store where the owner honestly appreciated that we put up with a LOT on the front line.
So don't try any of these unless you are thick with mangement, but I gotta tell you - they give you a warm feeling inside to let them out once in a while:



SC> #1 If it doesn't scan or if I can't find the barcode than it's free: Down here I f*cking have to put up with this stupid joke over and ove, I look for a barcode on a product and they say "ha ha it's free"

ME> "No, it means I get to make up a price!"

SC>"Oh, did I wake you up? haha!"

ME> "Yes, but don't tell management." (Wait for 'gotcha' look to come over SC's face.) "They don't like us to make the customers jealous about our getting paid to sleep."

SC> "Give me the winning Lotto numbers."

ME> Quietly reach over to the machine and grab the top copy of yesterday's winning number combinations and hand it to them. When (occasionally) told "No, I mean tomorrow's." tell them "If I could guess tomorrow's Lotto numbers I certainly wouldn't be hanging around here!"

SC> "Yeah, how about a sackful of hundreds?"

ME> "We keep our deposits down at the bottom of the dumpster - let me know if you find my watch while you're digging for that money."

SC> "Smile!"

(Only very rarely would I let this one loose - you have to judge if it is someone being sincere or just an SC trying to manipulate a peon...)

ME> "It's tough..... my mom just passed." (Extra note - I didn't use this one until my mom HAD died, and I realized just how stupid telling someone to smile is when you have NO idea what's going on in their life.)

SC> "Working hard or hardly working?"

ME> I use Great Unknown's perfect answer: "My answer: Yes! "

SC> Won't let go of proffered bill.

ME> IMMEDIATELY turn to next customer in line and start pulling there items toward me to ring up.

[Ill_Used_Heroine]

Yeah, we get that kind of crap a lot here, too. Especially the people who don't want to give up their library cards so we can scan them and check out their books.

There's one patron that just insists on scanning his own library card. I got fed up with him one day, cause he's one of those jokers who thinks he's hilarious, and I purposely left the PC on the wrong screen (the check in one) so when he scanned his card, it wouldn't correctly register. He'd scan, I'd say sorry ... didn't go through, he'd scan again, sorry again, back and forth a few times until he finally handed me his library card. I said thank you, toggled the screen back to check out, and checked out his items. We even have one lady who refuses to take her library card out of her wallet (she has it in the plastic window slot usually used for a driver's license. She just shoves her wallet under the scanner until it scans. *sigh*

We also get the ones that won't let go of the money. Or that throw the money at you. Or that choose not to pay, because their fines are 50 cents, and they only have a 5 dollar bill. I'm like, umm ... we DO have a cash register right here ... I can break that bill for you. Stupid gits.

[ShinyGreenApple]

"Haha, thought you were gonna get away, didn't ya!?"

Actually no, I was going to do something called WORK that *gasp* does not involved CUSTOMERS. Because it needs done before I can leave tonight anyways. ><

Just annoys the crud out of me that they always assume a checker is running off to go slack instead of actually doing something.

[icmedia]

I actually had a Wal-Mart cashier, upon the advent of my item failing to scan, say, "Well, it must be free then..."

I guess she must have been new, as I can imagine nobody finding that funny after even a few days of register duty.

[GingerBiscuit]

If I took everything in here I'd live forever! Right! Hahahaha!

Usually responded to with my deadpan face and
'No. Unfortunately the combined result of too many vitamins and various, different, contradictory herbal remdies would probably kill you. Quite soon'

[Lace Neil Singer]

I had a total stranger come up to me in the street (probably an SC when he shopped tho) and tell me to "Cheer up love, it might never happen!" I replied, "I just had a miscarriage." I know; not very funny, but I never smile outside work and it doesn't mean I'm miserable; and in any case, it was none of his business.

[BookstoreEscapee]

I had a total stranger come up to me in the street (probably an SC when he shopped tho) and tell me to "Cheer up love, it might never happen!"

That is just a ridiculous thing to say. You don't know if someone is worried about something that might happen or upset about something that did happen. Mean, but I like your answer.

[GingerBiscuit]

That is just a ridiculous thing to say. You don't know if someone is worried about something that might happen or upset about something that did happen. Mean, but I like your answer.

One time when someone said it to me my godmother- whom I love, and was a huge influence on my life- had just died of brain cancer. I was not very nice to him. I loathe people who think it is any of their business to tell people how to feel.

[Koliedrus]

A clerk walks into a bar.

I advise you to choose another establishment in which to decompress.

[HALFHUMANHALFZOMBIE]

I made a thread similar to this called "Rude, ignorant annoying jokes please list" or something. Some Customer jokes are funny but some are annoying and rude

Funny-Not Funny-rude joke

If it doesn't scan then it's free/Ha ha it's free(rude joke)
You look lonely (Not Funny)
Asking for change to CSM then Customer asking for hundreds (Funny)
I just made those bills yesterday (not funny)
I'm going to give you some work to do (Not funny)
Don't work too hard (With my imput on how SC's make it hard) (Funny)
Can I just make Seperate transactions in Express (Rude joke)

I admire customer humor but the damn it must be free joke gets me to realizing that they wouldn't have butterflies in their stomach if they stole something!

[RecoveringKinkoid]

I can't stand people who make dumb comments like this in an attempt at humor. Most of it is mostly harmless, ignorable stuff, so that is what I do usually.

I can switch off my humor sensors in an instant, and for annoying people I do just that. I become completely polite, completely humorless, and maddeningly literal and helpful.

People would come in with that "I'm going to give you something to do" shit and I'd say, happily, "Well, we're happy to have your business, sir, but I assure you we are a very successful place. I'll put your order in right away. We'll get right on it." And then make sure to illustrate my point by giving him a very long turnaround time. Same as "I'm going to make you earn your money today." I say "Oh, well, I promise you I earn my money each and every day. Nobody gets a free handout here, lemme tell you. We work hard here, every day. No dead wood. No sir." Basically make the person sorry they said anything.

"Smile" is pretty much met with an unmistakably disgusted, pitying look whether I'm working or not.

"Am I keeping you awake?" gets the "obtuse robot" treatment. "Excuse me? I'm sorry, what do you mean? (insert puzzled look.) "

"No price, I guess it's free, then." I usually just ignore.

"You look lonely." Is usually met with "Well, I assure you I'm not. In fact, quite the contrary." Dumbass.

And I will and have told customers flat out to their faces that my personal life is none of their business. I'm polite about it, but I have said the words "That's quite personal and none of your affair, so I'm not discussing it with you." Usually, that triggers an apology, if you can believe it.

I've heard "Just made those bills yesterday" a couple times, and I have said, with some humor myself, "Oh, yeah? Well, I bet we've made more than you have!" Which at Kinko's, is true. Counterfieters have been busted at Kinko's (no, not employees).

[queenbb]

does this count if the customer doesnt get your jokes

ok i know this was a lame joke,

customers first 3 # in their telephone were 798

so i say, oh looks like 8 got a reprieve this time

what are you talking about

your phone number, its 798

*he looks confused

you know the joke, why was 6 afraid of 7,

nope i never heard that one

*me looking shocked wondering where this guy has been for the last 30 years

ok, the jokes goes like this...
why is 6 afraid of 7, cause 7 ate 9

*he looks like he just heard a funny lame joke like he wants to laugh but is trying not too

nope i never heard that one before, but thats funny

[Jadedcarguy]

On Saturdays, the only day of the week I have to deal with customers, management buys us lunch. Unfortunately we don't get an actual lunch break, so I have to eat it at the counter.

Cue the dickheads......

DH: Oh, is it lunchtime? <insert stupid redneck laugh>
Me: No, I keep this here for the ambiance.

He will then proceed to waste 20 or so minutes exploring the excruciating minutia of floormats of bugshields while my formerly hot lunch assumes room temerature. URRRR......

Oh, and if you see my plate of food sitting on the counter, DON'T. REACH. FOR. IT.
You might pull back a bleeding stump. Major pet peeve. Leave my food alone.