After a couple of weeks on hiatus, I'm back with more tales of from the sad and pathetic world of wireless phones. Let's get right to it then:
SM: Sucky Man
SW: Sucky Woman
ME: It's good to be back
Some things don't change
ME: I can get that phone for you today for $79.99.
SW: So it will be free?
Uh, sure, why not. It's free, and there's a $79.99 I-hate-you surcharge.
Can you tell me how to get, how to get to Sesame Street?
SW: I'm lost.
ME: I'm sorry?
SW: I'm lost, I'm trying to get to (some intersection in LA).
ME: Oh. Well, I wish I could be of service, but I don't have a way to provide directions.
SW: I don't need directions. Just tell me how to get to (destination). I'm at (random grease spot on the highway).
ME: I do apologize, but I just don't have a way to provide directions.
SW: Then who should I call?
ME: I... don't know.
SW: Well thanks for nothing!
Sure thing. Next time you need anything at all that your phone service can't possibly assist you with, feel free to call me again.
Amazing powers of deduction
SM: They said they'd call me back if there was a problem, and they wouldn't if everything went through okay.
ME: Uh-huh...
SM: So far, no one has called me back.
Okay, I didn't even know what your question was before you asked it, I have no idea who you spoke to or what the issue was, but it took me about a second to figure out the answer. You, however, have been sitting on this for a week. But it's not without reward. You've gained a level. You are now a level 50 Asslord.
Even more amazing, and not in a good way
ME: I see you had 382 minutes over last month.
SM: Yeah, and it was your fault.
ME: How so?
SM: Because I tried to check my minutes and it didn't come up on my phone, so I figured you would just take care of it if I went over.
ME: Uh-huh. And did you call to report that you weren't able to check my minutes?
SM: No, I don't feel that should be my responsibility.
You're right, it shouldn't be. Why should you call in and let us know if something isn't working? After all, all of us here at Customer Care have undergone secret government experimentation and are all psychics. Oh, by the way, watch out for... ah, you'll find out.
Swing and a miss
ME: Could I have the name the way it's printed on the card?
SM: The address is...
I don't know for sure, but I think you just achieved Failure Nirvana.
Just call me The Entertainer
SW (French lady): Thank you for the.... how do you say.... entertainment.
Entertainment? Like amusing? Like funny? You mean, let me understand this cause, ya know maybe it's me, I'm a little f***ed up maybe, but I'm funny how, I mean funny like I'm a clown, I amuse you? I make you laugh, I'm here to f***in' amuse you? What do you mean funny, funny how? How am I funny?
Good for you
SM: I know how to read and write! I know what a contract is!
Literacy disputes aside, what in the scorching plains of Hell do you want from me?
Irony
ME: How can I help you today?
SM: Yeah, I've been having a problem with dropped calls.
ME: Well I'm sorry to hear that. How long has this been happening for you?
SM: It's been about- *drop*
Okay, that's comedy. I would normally have called the guy back, but we were getting calls back-to-back and the next call came right in.
It gets better
ME: Hi, this is Kara, how can I help you today?
SM: Uh... I think I might have talked to you the other day. I'm having some problems with dropped calls.
ME: That's very unfortunate. Actually, I see here that it was me you spoke to yesterday. I do apologize, we were so busy at the time, the calls were coming back-to-back and I couldn't call you back.
SM: That's okay.
ME: Well, let's go ahead and get this taken care of.
SM: I- *drop*
And once again, my next call came right in. I just bet he called back screaming about the girl that keeps messing with him.
SM: Sucky Man
SW: Sucky Woman
ME: It's good to be back
Some things don't change
ME: I can get that phone for you today for $79.99.
SW: So it will be free?
Uh, sure, why not. It's free, and there's a $79.99 I-hate-you surcharge.
Can you tell me how to get, how to get to Sesame Street?
SW: I'm lost.
ME: I'm sorry?
SW: I'm lost, I'm trying to get to (some intersection in LA).
ME: Oh. Well, I wish I could be of service, but I don't have a way to provide directions.
SW: I don't need directions. Just tell me how to get to (destination). I'm at (random grease spot on the highway).
ME: I do apologize, but I just don't have a way to provide directions.
SW: Then who should I call?
ME: I... don't know.
SW: Well thanks for nothing!
Sure thing. Next time you need anything at all that your phone service can't possibly assist you with, feel free to call me again.
Amazing powers of deduction
SM: They said they'd call me back if there was a problem, and they wouldn't if everything went through okay.
ME: Uh-huh...
SM: So far, no one has called me back.
Okay, I didn't even know what your question was before you asked it, I have no idea who you spoke to or what the issue was, but it took me about a second to figure out the answer. You, however, have been sitting on this for a week. But it's not without reward. You've gained a level. You are now a level 50 Asslord.
Even more amazing, and not in a good way
ME: I see you had 382 minutes over last month.
SM: Yeah, and it was your fault.
ME: How so?
SM: Because I tried to check my minutes and it didn't come up on my phone, so I figured you would just take care of it if I went over.
ME: Uh-huh. And did you call to report that you weren't able to check my minutes?
SM: No, I don't feel that should be my responsibility.
You're right, it shouldn't be. Why should you call in and let us know if something isn't working? After all, all of us here at Customer Care have undergone secret government experimentation and are all psychics. Oh, by the way, watch out for... ah, you'll find out.
Swing and a miss
ME: Could I have the name the way it's printed on the card?
SM: The address is...
I don't know for sure, but I think you just achieved Failure Nirvana.
Just call me The Entertainer
SW (French lady): Thank you for the.... how do you say.... entertainment.
Entertainment? Like amusing? Like funny? You mean, let me understand this cause, ya know maybe it's me, I'm a little f***ed up maybe, but I'm funny how, I mean funny like I'm a clown, I amuse you? I make you laugh, I'm here to f***in' amuse you? What do you mean funny, funny how? How am I funny?
Good for you
SM: I know how to read and write! I know what a contract is!
Literacy disputes aside, what in the scorching plains of Hell do you want from me?
Irony
ME: How can I help you today?
SM: Yeah, I've been having a problem with dropped calls.
ME: Well I'm sorry to hear that. How long has this been happening for you?
SM: It's been about- *drop*
Okay, that's comedy. I would normally have called the guy back, but we were getting calls back-to-back and the next call came right in.
It gets better
ME: Hi, this is Kara, how can I help you today?
SM: Uh... I think I might have talked to you the other day. I'm having some problems with dropped calls.
ME: That's very unfortunate. Actually, I see here that it was me you spoke to yesterday. I do apologize, we were so busy at the time, the calls were coming back-to-back and I couldn't call you back.
SM: That's okay.
ME: Well, let's go ahead and get this taken care of.
SM: I- *drop*
And once again, my next call came right in. I just bet he called back screaming about the girl that keeps messing with him.
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