God, Becky's going to love this one. =p
867
Me: "and your name?"
SC: "Uh, Katjutik"
Me: "How do you spell that?"
SC:"uh….K…A…J…..uh, wait…..k…A….T?"
That's ok, I have no idea how to spell it either. To me it sounded like you briefly choked on the sum total of disappointment that is your life.
867
Me: "and your postal code?"
SC: "COD."
Me: "Ok, but what's your postal code?"
SC: "64."
Yes, that’s it. Just keep answering questions I haven't even asked you yet. You may think you're clever…well, ok you're probably thinking something like "Pants pants pants BEER pants bacon~!@" but none the less your eventual defeat will come at the hands of the process of elimination. Eventually you're going to run out of options, Mr Bond, and then you *will* tell me what I want to know.
867
Me: "Good evening, <company name>-"
SC: "Page 27."
Me: "Pardon?"
SC: "Page 27."
Back up a bit Skippy, you're way ahead of yourself. Page 27 isn't going to get up and run away. Or were you just reminding yourself? If that’s the case then no problem, allow me to take that obviously massive burden off of your feeble mind. I'll remember it for you. How's that? That's going above and beyond the call of duty right there. You concentrate on trying to remember what the hell your name is and where you are. Those two bits of information are going to be vitally more important then what page your god awful camo trucker cap is on.
867
Me: "What size would you like?"
SC: "Wha?"
Me: "What size would you like it in?"
SC: "What kind?"
Me: "What size."
SC: "Sign?"
Me: "Size."
Size, SIZE! How big or small do you want your pants to be? If you have no idea I can offer a few simple tips to narrow it down: Pull yourself up out of the chair you're sitting in. I know this may be a rather large hurdle to overcome, but you can do it. If the chair sticks to your buttcheeks, please find some underwear before we proceed. Once you've accomplished this, take a moment to rest as I'm sure you may be somewhat winded by now. Alright, now what I want you to do is look around the room and try to find a door way that’s not currently being obstructed by beer cans, car parts or a large dog. Head towards that doorway and attempt to go through it. If you made it through, then that narrows it down to small, medium or large, possibly XL. If it took some effort to get through, you're looking at 2X or more. If your face hurts now, open the door first and try again.
A Little Help...
Me: "and how do you spell your name?"
SC: "Ok, it's v as in……v as in…..uh…..v as in……v as in……ummm......"
"Vapid"? "Vacant?" "Vasectomy?" "Vehicular Homicide?" Come on man, spit it out.
......
So the new girl at 7/11 offered to put on a wet t-shirt for me tonight because she thought I looked "bored" and needed to be "livened up."
I *really* wish I was making that up. ><
Reaction Time
SC: "There's a noise in my suite! Can you hear it!?"
( There's high pitch sort of noise in the background. )
Me: "Yes"
SC: "I don't know what it is. It's been doing that for 12 hours!"
....and you're just calling now? Its 3am. All you've done is ensure that there's no possible way we can assist you. You've shot yourself in the foot. You've sealed your own fate. You've stuffed the angry badger down the front of your jockstrap and are now hitting yourself in the groin with a snow globe while irrationally gyrating in the direction of the nearest Tim Hortons. You lose, good day sir.
867
Me: "Will that be credit card or COD?"
SC: "Uh, credit card."
HOLY LOW FLYING MEXICAN SHITBATS!@~ This marks the first credit card order I have *ever* taken from Nunavut in the near 5 years I've been manning this line.
Me: "Ok, by what card?"
SC: "Uh....er....uh....Visa?"
Me: "Alright, and the card number?"
( Someone cuts in from the background. )
SC2: "No, no! COD! COD!"
SC: "Oh, uh, COD."
Noooooo~ I was so close! You gave me a brief glimpse of a light called HOPE. Then you kicked me in the face back down the stairs and slammed the cellar door shut again, plunging me back into darkness. Now I'm going to spent the next two weeks sharpening an old Buddweiser fridge magnet/bottle opener on the cement floor. Then next time you open the door to bring me my gruel, I'm going to plunge it into your groin, twist, then make a break for freedom.
Don't try holding out for Stockholm Syndrome either. I promise you I'm way too far gone humanity wise to succumb to that.
I am now going to rant at length about the stupidity of certain people in this city. Read on at your own peril.
The Victim(tm)
I so hate people that do this. I'm sure you've ALL seen this in one form or another:
My Skytrain pulled up to Metrotown station tonight and there were a couple of the Skycops(tm) giving the 3rd degree to this couple with bikes. Now they've already failed by default. You're allowed to take a bike on the train at offpeak hours but you are *not* allowed to board or depart with a bike at certain stations. Namely the ones that only have escalator access, since its dangerous to all involved for you to be dragging a bike up or down an escalator.
Metrotown is of course one of those stations and these two are on the upper platform so they've already dragged their bikes up the escalator.
Strike 1.
You're only allowed 2 bikes per Skytrain car and they MUST be at opposite ends of the car. More then one bike at one door isn't allowed because it blocks the door completely and cuts off access to all the seats in one end of the train. These two of course rolled their bikes in a single door when they were caught.
Strike 2.
You're not allowed to have bikes on the trains at peak hours or during any sort of peak traffic. For example during the Symphony of Light fire works last night. There was going to be hundreds of people trying to get on the trains downtown and these two would be blocking an entire door. Ignorance is no excuse either since *every* station had 3-8 cops for traffic control along with giant signs and fences to direct people. Plus you can HEAR the fireworks.
Strike 3.
Despite all of that stupidity, the cops were nice enough to just give them a talking too rather then a ticket AND let them board the train anyway just this once.
You all know where this is going, right? Right. The second the doors close the guy begins this huge woe is me bitchfest about how much of a victim he was and how they had no right to do that and how his opinion of course overrides the law.
Highlights included:
"They can't just COMMAND us to get off the train like that! Its friggan arrogant! They don't have any authority. They're just rent a cops."
Failure #1: The Transit Act clearly states its an offense to refuse to leave any transit vehicle when instructed by any Translink employee. Any employee can tell you to get off and you *must* obey. It doesn't matter if they're an attendant or a cop.
Failure #2: The Transit Act is written on a giant sign on at every Skytrain station. I've never even consciously read it but even *I* know what it says just by glancing at it while waiting for trains.
Failure #3: There are two types of Skyguards(tm) that ride the rails. The bluecoats/white shirts, who are attendants/customer service/low level mobs. Then there's the black coats, who are COPS. The 3 that caught these 2 were the black coats.
FYI, the black coats have full uniforms, kevlar, handguns, handcuffs, pepperspray and "POLICE" on their backs in giant bold white letters. "Rent a cops" indeed.
Oh but it continues...
"They have no right to do that. I mean hey, buddy, I PAY YOUR SALARY you know!"
Yes, the fact you pay taxes gives you the right to break the law and all public servants must kiss your ass.
"It's not like we were doing anything wrong! I mean come on what kind of stupid rule is that?"
A safety measure. Also, your opinion of the law does not render that law invalid.
This piss and moan fest continued for 10-15 minutes while his companion sat there and nodded wisely. He did glance my way once, but I just glared at him. It was hard enough to keep my mouth shut as is. =p
Anyway, my week is over. Days off~
867
Me: "and your name?"
SC: "Uh, Katjutik"
Me: "How do you spell that?"
SC:"uh….K…A…J…..uh, wait…..k…A….T?"
That's ok, I have no idea how to spell it either. To me it sounded like you briefly choked on the sum total of disappointment that is your life.
867
Me: "and your postal code?"
SC: "COD."
Me: "Ok, but what's your postal code?"
SC: "64."
Yes, that’s it. Just keep answering questions I haven't even asked you yet. You may think you're clever…well, ok you're probably thinking something like "Pants pants pants BEER pants bacon~!@" but none the less your eventual defeat will come at the hands of the process of elimination. Eventually you're going to run out of options, Mr Bond, and then you *will* tell me what I want to know.
867
Me: "Good evening, <company name>-"
SC: "Page 27."
Me: "Pardon?"
SC: "Page 27."
Back up a bit Skippy, you're way ahead of yourself. Page 27 isn't going to get up and run away. Or were you just reminding yourself? If that’s the case then no problem, allow me to take that obviously massive burden off of your feeble mind. I'll remember it for you. How's that? That's going above and beyond the call of duty right there. You concentrate on trying to remember what the hell your name is and where you are. Those two bits of information are going to be vitally more important then what page your god awful camo trucker cap is on.
867
Me: "What size would you like?"
SC: "Wha?"
Me: "What size would you like it in?"
SC: "What kind?"
Me: "What size."
SC: "Sign?"
Me: "Size."
Size, SIZE! How big or small do you want your pants to be? If you have no idea I can offer a few simple tips to narrow it down: Pull yourself up out of the chair you're sitting in. I know this may be a rather large hurdle to overcome, but you can do it. If the chair sticks to your buttcheeks, please find some underwear before we proceed. Once you've accomplished this, take a moment to rest as I'm sure you may be somewhat winded by now. Alright, now what I want you to do is look around the room and try to find a door way that’s not currently being obstructed by beer cans, car parts or a large dog. Head towards that doorway and attempt to go through it. If you made it through, then that narrows it down to small, medium or large, possibly XL. If it took some effort to get through, you're looking at 2X or more. If your face hurts now, open the door first and try again.
A Little Help...
Me: "and how do you spell your name?"
SC: "Ok, it's v as in……v as in…..uh…..v as in……v as in……ummm......"
"Vapid"? "Vacant?" "Vasectomy?" "Vehicular Homicide?" Come on man, spit it out.
......
So the new girl at 7/11 offered to put on a wet t-shirt for me tonight because she thought I looked "bored" and needed to be "livened up."
I *really* wish I was making that up. ><
Reaction Time
SC: "There's a noise in my suite! Can you hear it!?"
( There's high pitch sort of noise in the background. )
Me: "Yes"
SC: "I don't know what it is. It's been doing that for 12 hours!"
....and you're just calling now? Its 3am. All you've done is ensure that there's no possible way we can assist you. You've shot yourself in the foot. You've sealed your own fate. You've stuffed the angry badger down the front of your jockstrap and are now hitting yourself in the groin with a snow globe while irrationally gyrating in the direction of the nearest Tim Hortons. You lose, good day sir.
867
Me: "Will that be credit card or COD?"
SC: "Uh, credit card."
HOLY LOW FLYING MEXICAN SHITBATS!@~ This marks the first credit card order I have *ever* taken from Nunavut in the near 5 years I've been manning this line.
Me: "Ok, by what card?"
SC: "Uh....er....uh....Visa?"
Me: "Alright, and the card number?"
( Someone cuts in from the background. )
SC2: "No, no! COD! COD!"
SC: "Oh, uh, COD."
Noooooo~ I was so close! You gave me a brief glimpse of a light called HOPE. Then you kicked me in the face back down the stairs and slammed the cellar door shut again, plunging me back into darkness. Now I'm going to spent the next two weeks sharpening an old Buddweiser fridge magnet/bottle opener on the cement floor. Then next time you open the door to bring me my gruel, I'm going to plunge it into your groin, twist, then make a break for freedom.
Don't try holding out for Stockholm Syndrome either. I promise you I'm way too far gone humanity wise to succumb to that.
I am now going to rant at length about the stupidity of certain people in this city. Read on at your own peril.
The Victim(tm)
I so hate people that do this. I'm sure you've ALL seen this in one form or another:
My Skytrain pulled up to Metrotown station tonight and there were a couple of the Skycops(tm) giving the 3rd degree to this couple with bikes. Now they've already failed by default. You're allowed to take a bike on the train at offpeak hours but you are *not* allowed to board or depart with a bike at certain stations. Namely the ones that only have escalator access, since its dangerous to all involved for you to be dragging a bike up or down an escalator.
Metrotown is of course one of those stations and these two are on the upper platform so they've already dragged their bikes up the escalator.
Strike 1.
You're only allowed 2 bikes per Skytrain car and they MUST be at opposite ends of the car. More then one bike at one door isn't allowed because it blocks the door completely and cuts off access to all the seats in one end of the train. These two of course rolled their bikes in a single door when they were caught.
Strike 2.
You're not allowed to have bikes on the trains at peak hours or during any sort of peak traffic. For example during the Symphony of Light fire works last night. There was going to be hundreds of people trying to get on the trains downtown and these two would be blocking an entire door. Ignorance is no excuse either since *every* station had 3-8 cops for traffic control along with giant signs and fences to direct people. Plus you can HEAR the fireworks.
Strike 3.
Despite all of that stupidity, the cops were nice enough to just give them a talking too rather then a ticket AND let them board the train anyway just this once.
You all know where this is going, right? Right. The second the doors close the guy begins this huge woe is me bitchfest about how much of a victim he was and how they had no right to do that and how his opinion of course overrides the law.
Highlights included:
"They can't just COMMAND us to get off the train like that! Its friggan arrogant! They don't have any authority. They're just rent a cops."
Failure #1: The Transit Act clearly states its an offense to refuse to leave any transit vehicle when instructed by any Translink employee. Any employee can tell you to get off and you *must* obey. It doesn't matter if they're an attendant or a cop.
Failure #2: The Transit Act is written on a giant sign on at every Skytrain station. I've never even consciously read it but even *I* know what it says just by glancing at it while waiting for trains.
Failure #3: There are two types of Skyguards(tm) that ride the rails. The bluecoats/white shirts, who are attendants/customer service/low level mobs. Then there's the black coats, who are COPS. The 3 that caught these 2 were the black coats.
FYI, the black coats have full uniforms, kevlar, handguns, handcuffs, pepperspray and "POLICE" on their backs in giant bold white letters. "Rent a cops" indeed.
Oh but it continues...
"They have no right to do that. I mean hey, buddy, I PAY YOUR SALARY you know!"
Yes, the fact you pay taxes gives you the right to break the law and all public servants must kiss your ass.
"It's not like we were doing anything wrong! I mean come on what kind of stupid rule is that?"
A safety measure. Also, your opinion of the law does not render that law invalid.
This piss and moan fest continued for 10-15 minutes while his companion sat there and nodded wisely. He did glance my way once, but I just glared at him. It was hard enough to keep my mouth shut as is. =p
Anyway, my week is over. Days off~
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