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  • Wet T-shirt Contest

    God, Becky's going to love this one. =p




    867

    Me: "and your name?"
    SC: "Uh, Katjutik"
    Me: "How do you spell that?"
    SC:"uh….K…A…J…..uh, wait…..k…A….T?"

    That's ok, I have no idea how to spell it either. To me it sounded like you briefly choked on the sum total of disappointment that is your life.



    867

    Me: "and your postal code?"
    SC: "COD."
    Me: "Ok, but what's your postal code?"
    SC: "64."

    Yes, that’s it. Just keep answering questions I haven't even asked you yet. You may think you're clever…well, ok you're probably thinking something like "Pants pants pants BEER pants bacon~!@" but none the less your eventual defeat will come at the hands of the process of elimination. Eventually you're going to run out of options, Mr Bond, and then you *will* tell me what I want to know.



    867

    Me: "Good evening, <company name>-"
    SC: "Page 27."
    Me: "Pardon?"
    SC: "Page 27."

    Back up a bit Skippy, you're way ahead of yourself. Page 27 isn't going to get up and run away. Or were you just reminding yourself? If that’s the case then no problem, allow me to take that obviously massive burden off of your feeble mind. I'll remember it for you. How's that? That's going above and beyond the call of duty right there. You concentrate on trying to remember what the hell your name is and where you are. Those two bits of information are going to be vitally more important then what page your god awful camo trucker cap is on.



    867

    Me: "What size would you like?"
    SC: "Wha?"
    Me: "What size would you like it in?"
    SC: "What kind?"
    Me: "What size."
    SC: "Sign?"
    Me: "Size."

    Size, SIZE! How big or small do you want your pants to be? If you have no idea I can offer a few simple tips to narrow it down: Pull yourself up out of the chair you're sitting in. I know this may be a rather large hurdle to overcome, but you can do it. If the chair sticks to your buttcheeks, please find some underwear before we proceed. Once you've accomplished this, take a moment to rest as I'm sure you may be somewhat winded by now. Alright, now what I want you to do is look around the room and try to find a door way that’s not currently being obstructed by beer cans, car parts or a large dog. Head towards that doorway and attempt to go through it. If you made it through, then that narrows it down to small, medium or large, possibly XL. If it took some effort to get through, you're looking at 2X or more. If your face hurts now, open the door first and try again.



    A Little Help...

    Me: "and how do you spell your name?"
    SC: "Ok, it's v as in……v as in…..uh…..v as in……v as in……ummm......"

    "Vapid"? "Vacant?" "Vasectomy?" "Vehicular Homicide?" Come on man, spit it out.




    ......

    So the new girl at 7/11 offered to put on a wet t-shirt for me tonight because she thought I looked "bored" and needed to be "livened up."

    I *really* wish I was making that up. ><



    Reaction Time

    SC: "There's a noise in my suite! Can you hear it!?"
    ( There's high pitch sort of noise in the background. )
    Me: "Yes"
    SC: "I don't know what it is. It's been doing that for 12 hours!"

    ....and you're just calling now? Its 3am. All you've done is ensure that there's no possible way we can assist you. You've shot yourself in the foot. You've sealed your own fate. You've stuffed the angry badger down the front of your jockstrap and are now hitting yourself in the groin with a snow globe while irrationally gyrating in the direction of the nearest Tim Hortons. You lose, good day sir.



    867

    Me: "Will that be credit card or COD?"
    SC: "Uh, credit card."

    HOLY LOW FLYING MEXICAN SHITBATS!@~ This marks the first credit card order I have *ever* taken from Nunavut in the near 5 years I've been manning this line.

    Me: "Ok, by what card?"
    SC: "Uh....er....uh....Visa?"
    Me: "Alright, and the card number?"
    ( Someone cuts in from the background. )
    SC2: "No, no! COD! COD!"
    SC: "Oh, uh, COD."

    Noooooo~ I was so close! You gave me a brief glimpse of a light called HOPE. Then you kicked me in the face back down the stairs and slammed the cellar door shut again, plunging me back into darkness. Now I'm going to spent the next two weeks sharpening an old Buddweiser fridge magnet/bottle opener on the cement floor. Then next time you open the door to bring me my gruel, I'm going to plunge it into your groin, twist, then make a break for freedom.

    Don't try holding out for Stockholm Syndrome either. I promise you I'm way too far gone humanity wise to succumb to that.





    I am now going to rant at length about the stupidity of certain people in this city. Read on at your own peril.


    The Victim(tm)

    I so hate people that do this. I'm sure you've ALL seen this in one form or another:

    My Skytrain pulled up to Metrotown station tonight and there were a couple of the Skycops(tm) giving the 3rd degree to this couple with bikes. Now they've already failed by default. You're allowed to take a bike on the train at offpeak hours but you are *not* allowed to board or depart with a bike at certain stations. Namely the ones that only have escalator access, since its dangerous to all involved for you to be dragging a bike up or down an escalator.

    Metrotown is of course one of those stations and these two are on the upper platform so they've already dragged their bikes up the escalator.

    Strike 1.

    You're only allowed 2 bikes per Skytrain car and they MUST be at opposite ends of the car. More then one bike at one door isn't allowed because it blocks the door completely and cuts off access to all the seats in one end of the train. These two of course rolled their bikes in a single door when they were caught.

    Strike 2.

    You're not allowed to have bikes on the trains at peak hours or during any sort of peak traffic. For example during the Symphony of Light fire works last night. There was going to be hundreds of people trying to get on the trains downtown and these two would be blocking an entire door. Ignorance is no excuse either since *every* station had 3-8 cops for traffic control along with giant signs and fences to direct people. Plus you can HEAR the fireworks.

    Strike 3.

    Despite all of that stupidity, the cops were nice enough to just give them a talking too rather then a ticket AND let them board the train anyway just this once.

    You all know where this is going, right? Right. The second the doors close the guy begins this huge woe is me bitchfest about how much of a victim he was and how they had no right to do that and how his opinion of course overrides the law.

    Highlights included:

    "They can't just COMMAND us to get off the train like that! Its friggan arrogant! They don't have any authority. They're just rent a cops."

    Failure #1: The Transit Act clearly states its an offense to refuse to leave any transit vehicle when instructed by any Translink employee. Any employee can tell you to get off and you *must* obey. It doesn't matter if they're an attendant or a cop.

    Failure #2: The Transit Act is written on a giant sign on at every Skytrain station. I've never even consciously read it but even *I* know what it says just by glancing at it while waiting for trains.

    Failure #3: There are two types of Skyguards(tm) that ride the rails. The bluecoats/white shirts, who are attendants/customer service/low level mobs. Then there's the black coats, who are COPS. The 3 that caught these 2 were the black coats.

    FYI, the black coats have full uniforms, kevlar, handguns, handcuffs, pepperspray and "POLICE" on their backs in giant bold white letters. "Rent a cops" indeed.


    Oh but it continues...

    "They have no right to do that. I mean hey, buddy, I PAY YOUR SALARY you know!"

    Yes, the fact you pay taxes gives you the right to break the law and all public servants must kiss your ass.

    "It's not like we were doing anything wrong! I mean come on what kind of stupid rule is that?"

    A safety measure. Also, your opinion of the law does not render that law invalid.


    This piss and moan fest continued for 10-15 minutes while his companion sat there and nodded wisely. He did glance my way once, but I just glared at him. It was hard enough to keep my mouth shut as is. =p




    Anyway, my week is over. Days off~

  • #2
    God you got bombarded by 867! You've got the patience of a saint GK. You should be the patron Saint of patience. Get your own prayer, and a dashboard figurine. GK, our saint of Patience. I'd follow you

    Gravekeeper,
    Give me the patience needed
    To deal with the idiocy
    That I'm confronted with.
    Give me the patience needed
    To make it through this day
    And all of the Dolts
    Of which I must meet.
    Gravekeeper,
    Give me the wit needed
    To appropriately get rid
    Of those whom
    Darwin was wrong.
    Amen!
    It is inaccurate to say that I hate everything. I am strongly in favor of common sense, common honesty, and common decency. This makes me forever ineligible for public office.
    ~~~H.L. Mencken

    Comment


    • #3
      GK:
      So the new girl at 7/11 offered to put on a wet t-shirt for me tonight because she thought I looked "bored" and needed to be "livened up."
      Why is it I never get this sort of customer service? I am jealous.

      As for the two bikers. Just how far where they going that they couldnt ride over there already? I mean they had bikes, are apparently pedalling someplace and so why couldnt they go on ahead and ride across town? I knw that if it makes snese its not allowed but that just hurts. He should be shown what real jackbooted steppping on his rights feels like.

      Comment


      • #4
        Quoth Gravekeeper View Post
        ......

        So the new girl at 7/11 offered to put on a wet t-shirt for me tonight because she thought I looked "bored" and needed to be "livened up."
        Oh oh! The fan girl squad are going to find her and kill her.

        I have to know what your response was.
        Last edited by cinema guy; 08-05-2007, 10:23 PM. Reason: afterthought
        "I can tell her you're all tied up in the projection room." Sunset Boulevard.

        Comment


        • #5
          Quoth Gravekeeper View Post
          ......

          So the new girl at 7/11 offered to put on a wet t-shirt for me tonight because she thought I looked "bored" and needed to be "livened up."

          I *really* wish I was making that up. ><
          If she was attractive, you could have declined and offered her dinner!
          Bears are bad. If an animal is going to be mean it should look so, like sharks and alligators. - Mark Healey

          Comment


          • #6
            Quoth Rahmota View Post
            GK:

            As for the two bikers. Just how far where they going that they couldnt ride over there already? I mean they had bikes, are apparently pedalling someplace and so why couldnt they go on ahead and ride across town? I knw that if it makes snese its not allowed but that just hurts. He should be shown what real jackbooted steppping on his rights feels like.
            I was thinking the exact same thing! You're on wheels already! Ride!

            Quoth GK
            So the new girl at 7/11 offered to put on a wet t-shirt for me tonight because she thought I looked "bored" and needed to be "livened up."

            I *really* wish I was making that up. ><
            Was she at least someone who you would like to see in a wet t-shirt?

            -ams- fangirl who would not begrudge GK a nice wet-tshirt sighting, seeing as how I live on the opposite coast in a different country...but if I ever come to Vancouver.....

            I don't go in for ancient wisdom
            I don't believe just 'cause ideas are tenacious
            It means that they're worthy - Tim Minchin, "White Wine in the Sun"

            Comment


            • #7
              GK, I just noticed there's no Wikipedia entry for Nanavut. I think you should take this golden opportunity to educate the world about their love for all things camo and their need for COD.

              By the way, what companies even offer COD anymore?! The only time I've ever had the option is in World of Warcraft!

              Comment


              • #8
                Quoth Shengirl View Post
                GK, I just noticed there's no Wikipedia entry for Nanavut. I think you should take this golden opportunity to educate the world about their love for all things camo and their need for COD.

                By the way, what companies even offer COD anymore?! The only time I've ever had the option is in World of Warcraft!
                http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nunavut

                <cough>

                ( You have to spell it right ;9 )

                Oh oh, I have a client line that's apparently a number or two off from Blizzard's support desk. Every once in a blue moon or so I get someone calling because someone sharded their purples or something. -.-

                Comment


                • #9
                  So, was the 7-11 girl the sort of person a wet t-shirt would look good on, or not?

                  Rapscallion

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Quoth Gravekeeper View Post
                    So the new girl at 7/11 offered to put on a wet t-shirt for me tonight because she thought I looked "bored" and needed to be "livened up."

                    I *really* wish I was making that up. ><
                    As others have noted, we really need more details on this one.

                    Quoth Gravekeeper View Post
                    This piss and moan fest continued for 10-15 minutes while his companion sat there and nodded wisely. He did glance my way once, but I just glared at him. It was hard enough to keep my mouth shut as is. =p
                    For the next few days, I am not going to have to keep my mouth shut. Because for the next few days, I will be in an Undisclosed Beach Location drinking beer and doing some soul-searching/thinking/getting away from life. I am doing the Anti Cheers thing--I am going where NOBODY knows my bloody name. And as such, if I see some assfuck giving some (undeserving) clerk or server shit, I am finally not going to have to keep my mouth shut. Oftentimes down here I feel like I should, even when I am not working, because it is a small town and I am rather well known here. I will have no such problems where I am going. And yes, if any such incidents do occur, I will post a full report for everyone.

                    "The Customer Is Always Right...But The Bartender Decides Who Is
                    Still A Customer."

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Quoth Jester View Post
                      As others have noted, we really need more details on this one.
                      Yes, we perverted males want to know more. Either in the form of lurid prose or explicit photographs.
                      "I can tell her you're all tied up in the projection room." Sunset Boulevard.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Quoth cinema guy View Post
                        Yes, we perverted males want to know more. Either in the form of lurid prose or explicit photographs.
                        Not what I meant at all. I meant more along the lines of was she worth seeing in a wet t-shirt, if so why didn't you take her up on it, or at least ask her out, if not what was your reaction, etc., etc.

                        "The Customer Is Always Right...But The Bartender Decides Who Is
                        Still A Customer."

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Quoth Gravekeeper View Post
                          http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nunavut

                          <cough>

                          ( You have to spell it right ;9 )
                          But-! Okay, normally I would feel retarded here. However, when one types "Nanavut" into Google, one gets a fair number of results. So it didn't occur to me that I was typing it wrong. XD At least I'm not as bad as anyone who makes a fact-oriented website about a place and spells it wrong!

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Quoth Rapscallion View Post
                            So, was the 7-11 girl the sort of person a wet t-shirt would look good on, or not?
                            I was wondering the same thing
                            Aerodynamics are for people who can't build engines. --Enzo Ferrari

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Quoth Jester
                              Not what I meant at all. I meant more along the lines of was she worth seeing in a wet t-shirt, if so why didn't you take her up on it, or at least ask her out, if not what was your reaction, etc., etc.
                              Oh for....yes, she was attractive. Happy? =p

                              My brain doesn't operate in the fashion of the average male. An offer to expose ones breasts doesn't make me think "Sure!" or "Hey I should ask her out!". I deflected and changed the subject of course. That's why there's no more to the story, because the rest of it is no where near as interesting as that one point.

                              -.-

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