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You can't imagine how happy I am this week is over. There was a family crisis, emotional stress, and the week ended last night with a dead baby bunny. At least they were gracious enough to take my department out of the General Care queue, which drastically cut our call volume. It took a couple of days to get enough to post about, but at last I can bring you more tales of the absurd.
SM = Sucky Man
SW = Sucky Woman
ME = Of course
The Principle's Office
SW: You can't bill me for service I ain't got!
ME: Ma'am, I do apologize that your service isn't satisfactory for your needs, but I do see that despite the issues you used all of your minutes last month and used an additional 134 minutes.
SW: Don't matter if I used 4000 minutes! Most of those were dropped calls and I shouldn't have to pay the bill.
We provide you with service. You use our service. We send you a bill. You pay the bill. Any questions?
You've Got to Be Out of Your Damn Mind
SM: I'm not signing a contract for a phone. I have a contract from September for a phone and you never sent it to me.
ME: I see here where you did upgrade last year. UPS showed the phone was delivered and you signed for it, but you did call to let us know you didn't receive it. We sent you another one, but you had that order canceled. So we took off the charge for the phone and reset your contract.
SM: But I agreed to a contract and now I want a phone.
ME: I can't get you a phone for a contract from a year ago that was voided.
SM: Fine. Now why do I have insurance on the phone if I don't have it?
ME: You've had insurance since for over 2 years. It automatically covers any phone you use.
SM: But don't you think that if I didn't get the phone that you should have removed it?
ME: Why would we think that if you were already enrolled in it prior to that?
SM: Just cancel the insurance and tell me how much you are going to credit me for the insurance!
ME: Okay, you're insurance is canceled.
SM: And how much is the credit?
ME: There isn't going to be a credit.
SM: Why not?
ME: Because you can't call me almost a year later to dispute a service you've had since before you upgraded. You've seen that feature on every bill and never disputed it before now.
SM: But I didn't want it! Now how much are you going to credit me?
ME: You know something? The phone you upgraded to last year and never received had a lower deductible and monthly rate than your previous phone, so you've actually been paying a lower amount for the insurance. You're right, we should have changed you back to the higher rate, but we didn't. That's our mistake, so here's what will happen. I won't charge you the $22 you owe us that you should have been paying for insurance.
PWNED, bitch! Put that in your pipe and smoke it! Now get off my line before I decide to get grumpy. I've had a rough couple of weeks, I'm emotional, I'm hormonal, and you don't even want to screw with me, buster. So hang up now before I ask how much you got for that phone you never received on ebay.
Oh HELL No
ME: I'm sorry to hear you're wanting to cancel today. I see you did go over your minutes last month, I'd be happy to look into a plan that can better meet your needs.
SM: Did you hear what I said? Did I ask you to talk or did I tell you to cancel my service?
Yeah, you know what? I've got an idea. Let's play a game. It's called Hide and Go F*** Yourself.
Divination Was Never My Best Subject At Hogwart's School of Customer Service
SM: I called last month and you guys told me this plan would save me money! Now I've got a $300 bill!
ME: I'm sorry about that, sir. I do see that based on the last few months' worth of minute usage, this plan would have been my best recommendation as well.
SM: But then I went over!
ME: And that is definitely unfortunate. When you were checking your minutes last month, did you notice the overage?
SM: I don't check my minutes.
ME: Well, we do make several free resources available to check your minutes so you know where you are in usage.
SM: I'm not paying this bill. You told me this plan would work and I trusted you!
ME: We can only review your last few months of minute usage and make a recommendation based on that. But unfortunately, we can't see into the future to know how many minutes you will use moving forward.
Wait, I'm getting something! My inner eye is opening. I see..... You are rocking in a corner weeping because you had to spend your beer money to pay your bill. I see you getting desperate and buying a leather mini skirt, fishnet stockings, 4-inch pumps, a halter top, and a cheap wig. I see you standing on a street corner doing "favors" to get that beer money back. I see you in the corner again, weeping because not even the beer is enough to wash that taste out of your mouth.
Hi. Welcome to a Financially Driven Economy
SW: Can't I get a better price on that phone?
ME: That is currently the lowest price I have for that particular device.
SW: Oh. Can I barter something?
Not only am I a voice on your phone, 800 miles away from you, and couldn't give you my personal information even if I wanted to (I don't), but I can't really think of any way to put a sheep to functional use in my life. I'm also in a very happy long-term relationship with the woman I adore, and have no need of your daughter. So no. But that's the first time I've ever been asked that, so good for you.
Comparing Apples to Hand Grenades
SW: What are you going to do about my phone?
ME: I'm sorry, but the warranty is expired and it can't be replaced.
SW: That's illegal! You can't charge me service for a phone I can't use, so you have to do something to get me a phone.
ME: I already gave you the option for getting a new phone.
SW: I'm not doing another contract! Look, it's like having a car. If it breaks down, it is expected that they would give you a rental until they fix it or you get a new one.
First of all, who is your mechanic? Secondly, you couldn't be further from a logical comparison. We are the provider. We are the highway. Your phone is the car, and if you can't drive it, that doesn't mean that we're going to compensate you for gas you paid for and then couldn't use because the car broke down and you couldn't drive on us. I guess it's not really like that either, but it's a hell of a lot better than your crappy example. How about this? You suck, bite my ass, and have a great day.
WTF
SM: I am customer for many years. You should give me that phone for free.
ME: I'm sorry, that is not one of our free phones.
SM: Then I go to (COMPETITOR). They are going to buy you anyway.
ME: I seriously doubt that.
SM: Why?
ME: Because, for one thing, we're not for sale.
SM: How do you know this? Do you understand how business works?
ME: I do, actually.
SM: So you have a business degree from Harvard?
ME: Do you have a business degree from Harvard?
SM: I am asking you.
ME: No. Do you?
SM: Then where did you get it? Yale? Stanford?
ME: I don't need a degree to know that my company is not for sale.
SM: But how can you say this if you know nothing about business?
ME: Sigh. (COMPETITOR) is not going to buy us. They spent $4 billion to convert their network to the type of network we've been using from day 1. They are still catching up to us.
SM: Oh, but you can't know this for sure.
Okay, enough already! What in the name of Gilbert Gottfried's left testicle (FYI, it's Lefty Leftopolis) does this have to do with ANYTHING?
SM = Sucky Man
SW = Sucky Woman
ME = Of course
The Principle's Office
SW: You can't bill me for service I ain't got!
ME: Ma'am, I do apologize that your service isn't satisfactory for your needs, but I do see that despite the issues you used all of your minutes last month and used an additional 134 minutes.
SW: Don't matter if I used 4000 minutes! Most of those were dropped calls and I shouldn't have to pay the bill.
We provide you with service. You use our service. We send you a bill. You pay the bill. Any questions?
You've Got to Be Out of Your Damn Mind
SM: I'm not signing a contract for a phone. I have a contract from September for a phone and you never sent it to me.
ME: I see here where you did upgrade last year. UPS showed the phone was delivered and you signed for it, but you did call to let us know you didn't receive it. We sent you another one, but you had that order canceled. So we took off the charge for the phone and reset your contract.
SM: But I agreed to a contract and now I want a phone.
ME: I can't get you a phone for a contract from a year ago that was voided.
SM: Fine. Now why do I have insurance on the phone if I don't have it?
ME: You've had insurance since for over 2 years. It automatically covers any phone you use.
SM: But don't you think that if I didn't get the phone that you should have removed it?
ME: Why would we think that if you were already enrolled in it prior to that?
SM: Just cancel the insurance and tell me how much you are going to credit me for the insurance!
ME: Okay, you're insurance is canceled.
SM: And how much is the credit?
ME: There isn't going to be a credit.
SM: Why not?
ME: Because you can't call me almost a year later to dispute a service you've had since before you upgraded. You've seen that feature on every bill and never disputed it before now.
SM: But I didn't want it! Now how much are you going to credit me?
ME: You know something? The phone you upgraded to last year and never received had a lower deductible and monthly rate than your previous phone, so you've actually been paying a lower amount for the insurance. You're right, we should have changed you back to the higher rate, but we didn't. That's our mistake, so here's what will happen. I won't charge you the $22 you owe us that you should have been paying for insurance.
PWNED, bitch! Put that in your pipe and smoke it! Now get off my line before I decide to get grumpy. I've had a rough couple of weeks, I'm emotional, I'm hormonal, and you don't even want to screw with me, buster. So hang up now before I ask how much you got for that phone you never received on ebay.
Oh HELL No
ME: I'm sorry to hear you're wanting to cancel today. I see you did go over your minutes last month, I'd be happy to look into a plan that can better meet your needs.
SM: Did you hear what I said? Did I ask you to talk or did I tell you to cancel my service?
Yeah, you know what? I've got an idea. Let's play a game. It's called Hide and Go F*** Yourself.
Divination Was Never My Best Subject At Hogwart's School of Customer Service
SM: I called last month and you guys told me this plan would save me money! Now I've got a $300 bill!
ME: I'm sorry about that, sir. I do see that based on the last few months' worth of minute usage, this plan would have been my best recommendation as well.
SM: But then I went over!
ME: And that is definitely unfortunate. When you were checking your minutes last month, did you notice the overage?
SM: I don't check my minutes.
ME: Well, we do make several free resources available to check your minutes so you know where you are in usage.
SM: I'm not paying this bill. You told me this plan would work and I trusted you!
ME: We can only review your last few months of minute usage and make a recommendation based on that. But unfortunately, we can't see into the future to know how many minutes you will use moving forward.
Wait, I'm getting something! My inner eye is opening. I see..... You are rocking in a corner weeping because you had to spend your beer money to pay your bill. I see you getting desperate and buying a leather mini skirt, fishnet stockings, 4-inch pumps, a halter top, and a cheap wig. I see you standing on a street corner doing "favors" to get that beer money back. I see you in the corner again, weeping because not even the beer is enough to wash that taste out of your mouth.
Hi. Welcome to a Financially Driven Economy
SW: Can't I get a better price on that phone?
ME: That is currently the lowest price I have for that particular device.
SW: Oh. Can I barter something?
Not only am I a voice on your phone, 800 miles away from you, and couldn't give you my personal information even if I wanted to (I don't), but I can't really think of any way to put a sheep to functional use in my life. I'm also in a very happy long-term relationship with the woman I adore, and have no need of your daughter. So no. But that's the first time I've ever been asked that, so good for you.
Comparing Apples to Hand Grenades
SW: What are you going to do about my phone?
ME: I'm sorry, but the warranty is expired and it can't be replaced.
SW: That's illegal! You can't charge me service for a phone I can't use, so you have to do something to get me a phone.
ME: I already gave you the option for getting a new phone.
SW: I'm not doing another contract! Look, it's like having a car. If it breaks down, it is expected that they would give you a rental until they fix it or you get a new one.
First of all, who is your mechanic? Secondly, you couldn't be further from a logical comparison. We are the provider. We are the highway. Your phone is the car, and if you can't drive it, that doesn't mean that we're going to compensate you for gas you paid for and then couldn't use because the car broke down and you couldn't drive on us. I guess it's not really like that either, but it's a hell of a lot better than your crappy example. How about this? You suck, bite my ass, and have a great day.
WTF
SM: I am customer for many years. You should give me that phone for free.
ME: I'm sorry, that is not one of our free phones.
SM: Then I go to (COMPETITOR). They are going to buy you anyway.
ME: I seriously doubt that.
SM: Why?
ME: Because, for one thing, we're not for sale.
SM: How do you know this? Do you understand how business works?
ME: I do, actually.
SM: So you have a business degree from Harvard?
ME: Do you have a business degree from Harvard?
SM: I am asking you.
ME: No. Do you?
SM: Then where did you get it? Yale? Stanford?
ME: I don't need a degree to know that my company is not for sale.
SM: But how can you say this if you know nothing about business?
ME: Sigh. (COMPETITOR) is not going to buy us. They spent $4 billion to convert their network to the type of network we've been using from day 1. They are still catching up to us.
SM: Oh, but you can't know this for sure.
Okay, enough already! What in the name of Gilbert Gottfried's left testicle (FYI, it's Lefty Leftopolis) does this have to do with ANYTHING?
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