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Crouching Boobies, Hidden Hotdog
Me: "Alright, your confirmation number is M as in Mary."
SC: "M as in Mary? Well, that's appropriate for tonight."
…it is?....why? Hmm…well, you *are* in Las Vegas….is that the name of the woman you woke up married too in the ball pit at the local Mcdonald's? What's her stage name? Skittles? Kiki? Peg-Leg Lola? Mammary Tide? Mother Mary Full of Grease? Wait, I hope you at least made sure "she" isn't smuggling grapes.
Kara's Fuckwits: The Return
( This isn't even a cell phone company.... )
SC: "I can't connect to my ringtone!"
The fact you can't get your cell phone to play "Sk8r Boi" is so far outside of my realm of caring that even NASA itself would only be able to reach it after a 5 year journey via space probe. At which point it would still be far too dangerous to attempt to land on the surface. You'd have to settle for orbiting my realm and snapping high res pictures that NASA would post on the Internet for people to use as desktop wallpaper. Scientists would come up with various theories as to what truly lies on the surface of my caring. But no one ( Well, at least not you, anyone you know, care for, are related too or are in the same state as ) will ever know what mysteries lie beneath the atmosphere.
Right..
Me: "What city are you in?"
SC: "We're in US Airways"
Ah, yes, because lots of cities randomly move around the country at a cruising altitude of 30,000 feet. You know a lot of cities have nicknames like the Windy City, the Big Apple or say, the armpit of America ( Modesto ). US Airways on the other hand seems to cause suffering to thousands of people that pay it $20 on a daily basis. No matter how many times it departs it always comes back too. So I guess as far as cities go, US Airways is kind of like the genital herpes of America.
If I Were Overlord
( Time: 2am. )
( Side note: Distressed rate rooms go *very quickly* since its always entire flights worth of people that need them at once and we're constantly trying to find new ones. )
SC: "Can I get a hotel room in Miami?"
Me: "Sure, just let me check M-"
SC: "I'm in Houston at the moment an-"
Me: "You're in Houston?"
SC: "Yes."
Me: "Unfortunately, we only do emergency bookings for stranded passengers. So I can't book you a room for a distressed rate unless you're actually in Miami. The hotels only hold these distressed rate bookings for about an hour. Could I ask you to give us a call back when you arrive in Miami? Then we can find something for you."
SC: "Huh? Ok, what are our chances of getting a hotel room in Miami around 2pm this afternoon?"
Me: "Oh, I wouldn't be able to tell you right now, but-"
SC: "Gee thanks. Appreciate it! <click>"
Yes, I do apologize for my complete and utter inability to predict the future on a whim just because some carpet licking slack wit asked me too. Trust me if I had anywhere near the capabilities you expect me to have I would *not* be working here. I would be in the slow, brutal process of conquering North America and enslaving all who have ever irked me while working in this industry. You for instance would not be stuck in an airport somewhere. You'd be touring the southern states cleaning the public bathrooms of rural gas stations using only your face and Comet. Not liquid Comet either, the powder. Between stations you'd be sustained entirely on a diet of dry Capt'n Crunch and the water left over after you boil hot dogs.
Nice Excuse
SC: "Yeah, our flight was diverted from Seattle by about 11 hours. We ended up in Las Vegas."
( I give him his options but it doesn't sound like he can afford any of them by his reaction, however he doesn't want to admit it. )
SC: "Oh, I just met a friend of mine. I'll call you back <click>"
So you arrived in a city you were not planning on going to, 11 hours after you expected to arrive and oh hey! There's a friend of yours! Mmkay. Just admit you can't afford the $79 and move on with your life. A life in which sleeping on a bench in an airport looms in the immediate future.
What?
Me: "Good morning, <company> technical support."
SC: "Oh hi, I jus got a laptop and I wanted to see if <software> was already installed."
Me: "Sure, what's your name?"
SC: "….did I already give you the registration code?"
Me: "…no."
Perhaps you did in an alternate timeline that diverted from our own from the moment I picked up the line. However, unless you know of some way for me to reach across the barrier of dimensions to ask myself what your reg code is, then no, I do not have your reg code. Oh! Wait, it just diverged again! Except this time alternate you just tripped on the phone cord and landed rectum first on a bed post. I strongly encourage you to follow his example.
NooooO~!
Me: "Ok, I'll need you to log onto your account on our website."
SC: "Ya, jus' lemme start er up…<in the background: Welcome! You've got mail!>"
Oh dear Christ, AOL?! There are still people left in the world that use that? I…I have to get away... I have to get off the line! Keep it away from me! I've been tainted just by speaking with you. I'm unclean! Next thing you know I'll be downloading free smilies ( Omigawd! Hellllooooo~ ) and making my own Zwinkie to stick on my MySpace poetry page about how awesome Bratz the movie was. Thanks, now I have to go home and rock back and forth in the shower while bawling my eyes out like the Crying Game.
Gnaarr...<twitch> ( The same new hires are still driving me insane.... )
Crouching Boobies, Hidden Hotdog
Me: "Alright, your confirmation number is M as in Mary."
SC: "M as in Mary? Well, that's appropriate for tonight."
…it is?....why? Hmm…well, you *are* in Las Vegas….is that the name of the woman you woke up married too in the ball pit at the local Mcdonald's? What's her stage name? Skittles? Kiki? Peg-Leg Lola? Mammary Tide? Mother Mary Full of Grease? Wait, I hope you at least made sure "she" isn't smuggling grapes.
Kara's Fuckwits: The Return
( This isn't even a cell phone company.... )
SC: "I can't connect to my ringtone!"
The fact you can't get your cell phone to play "Sk8r Boi" is so far outside of my realm of caring that even NASA itself would only be able to reach it after a 5 year journey via space probe. At which point it would still be far too dangerous to attempt to land on the surface. You'd have to settle for orbiting my realm and snapping high res pictures that NASA would post on the Internet for people to use as desktop wallpaper. Scientists would come up with various theories as to what truly lies on the surface of my caring. But no one ( Well, at least not you, anyone you know, care for, are related too or are in the same state as ) will ever know what mysteries lie beneath the atmosphere.
Right..
Me: "What city are you in?"
SC: "We're in US Airways"
Ah, yes, because lots of cities randomly move around the country at a cruising altitude of 30,000 feet. You know a lot of cities have nicknames like the Windy City, the Big Apple or say, the armpit of America ( Modesto ). US Airways on the other hand seems to cause suffering to thousands of people that pay it $20 on a daily basis. No matter how many times it departs it always comes back too. So I guess as far as cities go, US Airways is kind of like the genital herpes of America.
If I Were Overlord
( Time: 2am. )
( Side note: Distressed rate rooms go *very quickly* since its always entire flights worth of people that need them at once and we're constantly trying to find new ones. )
SC: "Can I get a hotel room in Miami?"
Me: "Sure, just let me check M-"
SC: "I'm in Houston at the moment an-"
Me: "You're in Houston?"
SC: "Yes."
Me: "Unfortunately, we only do emergency bookings for stranded passengers. So I can't book you a room for a distressed rate unless you're actually in Miami. The hotels only hold these distressed rate bookings for about an hour. Could I ask you to give us a call back when you arrive in Miami? Then we can find something for you."
SC: "Huh? Ok, what are our chances of getting a hotel room in Miami around 2pm this afternoon?"
Me: "Oh, I wouldn't be able to tell you right now, but-"
SC: "Gee thanks. Appreciate it! <click>"
Yes, I do apologize for my complete and utter inability to predict the future on a whim just because some carpet licking slack wit asked me too. Trust me if I had anywhere near the capabilities you expect me to have I would *not* be working here. I would be in the slow, brutal process of conquering North America and enslaving all who have ever irked me while working in this industry. You for instance would not be stuck in an airport somewhere. You'd be touring the southern states cleaning the public bathrooms of rural gas stations using only your face and Comet. Not liquid Comet either, the powder. Between stations you'd be sustained entirely on a diet of dry Capt'n Crunch and the water left over after you boil hot dogs.
Nice Excuse
SC: "Yeah, our flight was diverted from Seattle by about 11 hours. We ended up in Las Vegas."
( I give him his options but it doesn't sound like he can afford any of them by his reaction, however he doesn't want to admit it. )
SC: "Oh, I just met a friend of mine. I'll call you back <click>"
So you arrived in a city you were not planning on going to, 11 hours after you expected to arrive and oh hey! There's a friend of yours! Mmkay. Just admit you can't afford the $79 and move on with your life. A life in which sleeping on a bench in an airport looms in the immediate future.
What?
Me: "Good morning, <company> technical support."
SC: "Oh hi, I jus got a laptop and I wanted to see if <software> was already installed."
Me: "Sure, what's your name?"
SC: "….did I already give you the registration code?"
Me: "…no."
Perhaps you did in an alternate timeline that diverted from our own from the moment I picked up the line. However, unless you know of some way for me to reach across the barrier of dimensions to ask myself what your reg code is, then no, I do not have your reg code. Oh! Wait, it just diverged again! Except this time alternate you just tripped on the phone cord and landed rectum first on a bed post. I strongly encourage you to follow his example.
NooooO~!
Me: "Ok, I'll need you to log onto your account on our website."
SC: "Ya, jus' lemme start er up…<in the background: Welcome! You've got mail!>"
Oh dear Christ, AOL?! There are still people left in the world that use that? I…I have to get away... I have to get off the line! Keep it away from me! I've been tainted just by speaking with you. I'm unclean! Next thing you know I'll be downloading free smilies ( Omigawd! Hellllooooo~ ) and making my own Zwinkie to stick on my MySpace poetry page about how awesome Bratz the movie was. Thanks, now I have to go home and rock back and forth in the shower while bawling my eyes out like the Crying Game.
Gnaarr...<twitch> ( The same new hires are still driving me insane.... )
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