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Meatsicle, if you will.
Wipe Out
Me: "Alright, and whats your name?"
SC: "…..uh……."
Oh come on. Most people at least manage to complete one lap. You just wiped out in the first turn and slammed into the concrete barrier thus showering the screaming spectators with fiery bits of debris as they try to run to safety. One of your flaming tires has bounced over the fence, rolled into the parking lot and slammed into an ice cream truck in front of 8 horrified school children. All they wanted was a double fudge bar. What they got was the ice cream man desperately trying to extinguish himself by pulling off his pants and rolling in a pile of Haagen Das bars.
Oh, but hey, after the rescue crew manages to cut you free of the fiery wreckage make sure you wave to the crowd to let them know you're ok. If you can still feels your arms anyway.
Ok...
Me: "Good evening, <property management company>."
SC: "Are you aware of the Urban Fair Kitchen Renewal?"
Me: "…no…."
SC: "Well-"
Ok the last time someone began a conversation with me like that it they ended up requiring my assistance in locating Jesus. They weren't happy with my answer but I know I saw him over by London Drugs one morning. If I remember right he christened me a "shapeshifter" and told me that I was the only one that could save the Princess. Lying bastard. I tried saving her all weekend but the wench was always in another castle.
MCP
( Kitchen Renewal woman again.... )
SC: "I called the other number you gave me and its just a computer. I have to leave message on it."
Me: "Yes, that’s the office's voicemail. Just leave a message on it."
SC: "But I'm not computerized so I can't."
…….what? But…what the hell are you talking about? What exactly do you think the qualifications are for leaving a message on voicemail? You do not have to own a Lightcycle nor will you be forced into gladiator style combat with only a neon death frisbee to defend yourself. All you have to do is talk at it. You didn't seem to have any problem with that last time you called. Only difference is this time you won't have some baffled guy interrupting you every 15 seconds to ask what the hell you're talking about.
Search & Rescue
Me: "Alright, do you want me to have him call you or call the site itself?"
SC: "No, I want…..to…..uh……have……..him call me."
Yes, if you'll retrace your steps back down Brokewit Mountain you'll notice that was actually one of the two travel options I originally gave you. Please do not try and go off on your own again. You're obviously not qualified to be wandering around the snowy peaks of mental clarity by yourself. You were lucky I found you this time. Next time you may not be so lucky. Next time you're liable to freeze to death after you attempt to take a whizz upwind in -90 degree weather. We won't even notice your corpse until we catch one of the search and rescue dogs happily gnawing away at your exposed meat popsicle. I for one won't stop him either. That dog has been working hard to find you for hours and by God he deserves a little treat.
My Brain Weeps
Me: "Do you have a pen there?"
SC: "Yep!"
Me: "Ok, the phone number for the hotel is-"
SC: "Do I write that on paper?"
…that’s the general implication yes. You don't HAVE to I guess. You could ask a nearby stranger to etch it on your ass in Spanked Baboon Red lipstick for all I care. Long as you don't mind heaving your buttcheeks onto the front desk at the hotel to double check it. Wait, hell, this is Las Vegas we're talking about. They'd probably be surprised if you DIDN'T heave your buttcheeks onto the front counter as soon as you walked in. They need something to swipe your credit card on
afterall.
Foiled!
Me: "Good evening, <company that makes, well, beds>"
SC: "DO YOU HAVE ANY VIBRATING BEDS?!"
Me: "I can send you a catalogue of what we-"
SC: "……<click>"
I ruined the set up to your prank punch line didn't I? Good. If there's one small thing I enjoy about this shift its crushing the hope of others. Your disappointment is like the sweet candy shell of a red M&M to me while your failure is like the delicious, salty peanut within.
Please sir, may I have some more?
Day Two down...
Wipe Out
Me: "Alright, and whats your name?"
SC: "…..uh……."
Oh come on. Most people at least manage to complete one lap. You just wiped out in the first turn and slammed into the concrete barrier thus showering the screaming spectators with fiery bits of debris as they try to run to safety. One of your flaming tires has bounced over the fence, rolled into the parking lot and slammed into an ice cream truck in front of 8 horrified school children. All they wanted was a double fudge bar. What they got was the ice cream man desperately trying to extinguish himself by pulling off his pants and rolling in a pile of Haagen Das bars.
Oh, but hey, after the rescue crew manages to cut you free of the fiery wreckage make sure you wave to the crowd to let them know you're ok. If you can still feels your arms anyway.
Ok...
Me: "Good evening, <property management company>."
SC: "Are you aware of the Urban Fair Kitchen Renewal?"
Me: "…no…."
SC: "Well-"
Ok the last time someone began a conversation with me like that it they ended up requiring my assistance in locating Jesus. They weren't happy with my answer but I know I saw him over by London Drugs one morning. If I remember right he christened me a "shapeshifter" and told me that I was the only one that could save the Princess. Lying bastard. I tried saving her all weekend but the wench was always in another castle.
MCP
( Kitchen Renewal woman again.... )
SC: "I called the other number you gave me and its just a computer. I have to leave message on it."
Me: "Yes, that’s the office's voicemail. Just leave a message on it."
SC: "But I'm not computerized so I can't."
…….what? But…what the hell are you talking about? What exactly do you think the qualifications are for leaving a message on voicemail? You do not have to own a Lightcycle nor will you be forced into gladiator style combat with only a neon death frisbee to defend yourself. All you have to do is talk at it. You didn't seem to have any problem with that last time you called. Only difference is this time you won't have some baffled guy interrupting you every 15 seconds to ask what the hell you're talking about.
Search & Rescue
Me: "Alright, do you want me to have him call you or call the site itself?"
SC: "No, I want…..to…..uh……have……..him call me."
Yes, if you'll retrace your steps back down Brokewit Mountain you'll notice that was actually one of the two travel options I originally gave you. Please do not try and go off on your own again. You're obviously not qualified to be wandering around the snowy peaks of mental clarity by yourself. You were lucky I found you this time. Next time you may not be so lucky. Next time you're liable to freeze to death after you attempt to take a whizz upwind in -90 degree weather. We won't even notice your corpse until we catch one of the search and rescue dogs happily gnawing away at your exposed meat popsicle. I for one won't stop him either. That dog has been working hard to find you for hours and by God he deserves a little treat.
My Brain Weeps
Me: "Do you have a pen there?"
SC: "Yep!"
Me: "Ok, the phone number for the hotel is-"
SC: "Do I write that on paper?"
…that’s the general implication yes. You don't HAVE to I guess. You could ask a nearby stranger to etch it on your ass in Spanked Baboon Red lipstick for all I care. Long as you don't mind heaving your buttcheeks onto the front desk at the hotel to double check it. Wait, hell, this is Las Vegas we're talking about. They'd probably be surprised if you DIDN'T heave your buttcheeks onto the front counter as soon as you walked in. They need something to swipe your credit card on
afterall.
Foiled!
Me: "Good evening, <company that makes, well, beds>"
SC: "DO YOU HAVE ANY VIBRATING BEDS?!"
Me: "I can send you a catalogue of what we-"
SC: "……<click>"
I ruined the set up to your prank punch line didn't I? Good. If there's one small thing I enjoy about this shift its crushing the hope of others. Your disappointment is like the sweet candy shell of a red M&M to me while your failure is like the delicious, salty peanut within.
Please sir, may I have some more?
Day Two down...
or 
at that mental image. Probably both. XD *
That's why I ask first. I definitely would buy one though (and would volunteer my time and energy to format it and make it all pretty too for free). I think many here would be willing to purchase such a thing.
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