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Just another day in the fun world of customer service. Though I must say, I was in a pretty good mood. I set an Outlook reminder that popped up every 5 minutes throughout the day to help me remember how awesome waffle cones are 
Now, I should clarify a little. When I'm in an "eh" mood (most of the time), I tend to be a cookie-cutter rep. I will help those who I can, and those who want to be unreasonable get to be politely told no. When I'm in a bad mood, I'll be short and to the point to get you off my line as fast as possible while maintaining the bare minimum company expectations. But when I'm in a good mood, woe be unto whoever tries to be an ass on my line. I enjoy toying with my prey before going in for the kill.
SW = Sucky Woman
SM = Sucky Man
ME = Meow
Ye Principles Be Damned
SW: I want to change my plan, but I don't want a contract. I've been a customer for 3 years. I'm not going anywhere else!
ME: Then what's wrong with a contract?
SW: It's... it's just... it's the principle!
Uh-oh, you've just said the magic word that shuts down the helpful lobe of my brain. Now you're on your own. Renew your contract with me, or go to another service (and get a contract with them). I'll let you in on a secret. At my discretion, I can change a plan without a contract (there's a whole bunch of things I can do "at my discretion," and if one can be civil they tend to see these things). But if you come on being a whiny bitch and then resort to using the "P" word, you can go straight to Hell (and take your principles with you).
Pathetic
ME: Could I just have your name please?
SW: (WHATEVER) All... Alleh... Allcha... Allache...
Okay, just stop. Try to hold onto the last shred of dignity you have left. Besides, if you can't say it, how in the hell do you expect me to be able to? I'll just call you Fred (bonus points for quasi-reference).
Are You Threatening Me?
SM: Here's the deal. Either you give me a free phone right now, or I take all three of my lines to (COMPETITOR). They'll give me a free phone!
Aww, look at the little customer. Trying to be all tough and demanding. Let me tell you about the flaw in your little threat there, sparky. You may thing that I'm going to gasp and beg you not to leave and throw whatever you want at you even though you just used your discount and got free phones 4 months ago, but what you fail to realize is that when you did that, you also renewed your contracts on all your lines. So let's reanalyze that demand. Either I give you a phone for free, keeping you happy until the next time you feel entitled to something, or you pay me $600 in termination fees. Hmm.... what to do, what to do.
See ya
WTF
ME: Hi, this is Kara, how can I help you today?
SW: Who is this?
ME: This is Kara. With (COMPANY).
SW: That's what I thought. *click*
ME:
For the record, I dug through the notes on her account and I have never talked to this woman before. It seems my reputation precedes me. If that's not a victory, I don't know what is.
Evil Is Fun
SW: I had this phone replaced once already, I want a different phone!
ME: Well, we can look at our upgrade program and see what discount you may be eligible for on a new phone.
SW: What can you give me?
ME: What kind of phone do you want?
SW: Whatever's free.
ME: You just upgraded in May. You won't be eligible for the maximum discount at this time. If you want a phone without a charge, we can replace your phone under warranty.
SW: Will you send me a new battery and back cover? Because they didn't send one for this replacement and I can't use it.
ME: Right, we only replace the phone, because that's what is defective. You can use the same battery and back cover from you old phone.
SW: What kind of crap is that? You should replace it all!
ME: But there's nothing wrong with your battery from your old phone.
SW: I don't know where it is! So send me another one.
ME: I can't replace the battery if it's lost. That's not covered by warranty.
SW: But why can't you just send it to me?
ME: Because it's not covered by warranty. You can buy a new battery though.
SW: Fine. What about the back cover?
ME: The manufacturer sends us the phones to send out as replacements. They don't send the back covers. You can only get one by contacting them.
SW: This is ridiculous! You really think this is fair?
ME: Yes. I'm sorry you misplaced your old one, but the instructions that came with the replacement did state that you need to keep them.
SW: And what if I cancel?
ME: Then the termination fee will apply.
SW: This is total bullshit. I can't believe you're refusing to help me!
ME: I am trying to help you.
SW: How?
ME: We can either replace your phone, or you can go through our upgrade program.
SW: Which means buying a phone?
ME: Yes.
SW: *click*
Hey, where are you going? I'm not through with you yet!
SW: Hello?
ME (full of sugary sweetness): Hi! This is Kara from (COMPANY). I am so terribly sorry, but it seems like I lost you there.
SW: Yeah.
ME: So as I was saying, we can replace your phone if it isn't working, though we cannot replace the battery or back cover, but you can acquire those from the manufacturer. Or we can get you a different phone by going through our upgrade program and purchasing one. If you decide to cancel, the termination fee will apply.
SW: Sigh...
ME: So what would you prefer?
SW: I just want a working phone.
ME: Understandably. And that's what I'm trying to help you get.
SW: But I don't like this phone.
ME: Then I can help you get a discount on a different one.
SW: I don't want to spend any money.
ME: Then we can replace your other phone through the warranty.
SW: But I don't know where the battery is.
ME: Then perhaps, if you were to go searching for it, you may be able to find it. Then you can use it in the replacement.
SW: You're not helping me!
ME: I'm providing you with every option at my disposal. What else would you like me to do?
SW: *click*
Oh no you don't! You're not getting away that easily! Aw damn, another call.....
*5 minutes later*
SW: Hello?
ME (Sugar-laced venom): Hi! This is Kara again from (COMPANY). I am dreadfully sorry, but it seems I lost you again, then another call came in or I would have been able to get right back with you.
SW: Yeah.
ME: So, I believe you were about to decide what you wanted me to do for you to get your phone taken care of.
SW: Sigh... Just send me the replacement. I'll try to find the battery.
ME: Great! I'll have that right out to you.
SW: Yeah. Fine.
ME: And thank you sooo much for choosing (COMPANY)! You have a great day!
SW: Yeah. *click*
I was under no obligation to call her back after the first time she hung up on me. And 9 times out of 10, I wouldn't. But I was enjoying myself way too much to let her go. The whole reason she was upset was because she got her phone replaced and it didn't work. I understand. But then she tossed her battery somewhere, and for that I have no sympathy.
Heh heh, cool, heh heh
Not really sucky, but funny as hell. I'm going to confess to you now, I have an immature streak. Joe Dirt kept me laughing the whole movie. Blame my father. This woman called me and wanted to confirm an order. I pulled up the order form and barely kept it together until the call ended. I know how to say "Butte," but ever since the Beavis and Butthead movie I can't think of it the same (when they saw it on a road sign and said "heh heh, Butt). I'd say someone needs to ease off the Taco Bell. Behold:
Now, I should clarify a little. When I'm in an "eh" mood (most of the time), I tend to be a cookie-cutter rep. I will help those who I can, and those who want to be unreasonable get to be politely told no. When I'm in a bad mood, I'll be short and to the point to get you off my line as fast as possible while maintaining the bare minimum company expectations. But when I'm in a good mood, woe be unto whoever tries to be an ass on my line. I enjoy toying with my prey before going in for the kill.
SW = Sucky Woman
SM = Sucky Man
ME = Meow
Ye Principles Be Damned
SW: I want to change my plan, but I don't want a contract. I've been a customer for 3 years. I'm not going anywhere else!
ME: Then what's wrong with a contract?
SW: It's... it's just... it's the principle!
Uh-oh, you've just said the magic word that shuts down the helpful lobe of my brain. Now you're on your own. Renew your contract with me, or go to another service (and get a contract with them). I'll let you in on a secret. At my discretion, I can change a plan without a contract (there's a whole bunch of things I can do "at my discretion," and if one can be civil they tend to see these things). But if you come on being a whiny bitch and then resort to using the "P" word, you can go straight to Hell (and take your principles with you).
Pathetic
ME: Could I just have your name please?
SW: (WHATEVER) All... Alleh... Allcha... Allache...
Okay, just stop. Try to hold onto the last shred of dignity you have left. Besides, if you can't say it, how in the hell do you expect me to be able to? I'll just call you Fred (bonus points for quasi-reference).
Are You Threatening Me?
SM: Here's the deal. Either you give me a free phone right now, or I take all three of my lines to (COMPETITOR). They'll give me a free phone!
Aww, look at the little customer. Trying to be all tough and demanding. Let me tell you about the flaw in your little threat there, sparky. You may thing that I'm going to gasp and beg you not to leave and throw whatever you want at you even though you just used your discount and got free phones 4 months ago, but what you fail to realize is that when you did that, you also renewed your contracts on all your lines. So let's reanalyze that demand. Either I give you a phone for free, keeping you happy until the next time you feel entitled to something, or you pay me $600 in termination fees. Hmm.... what to do, what to do.
See ya
WTF
ME: Hi, this is Kara, how can I help you today?
SW: Who is this?
ME: This is Kara. With (COMPANY).
SW: That's what I thought. *click*
ME:
For the record, I dug through the notes on her account and I have never talked to this woman before. It seems my reputation precedes me. If that's not a victory, I don't know what is.
Evil Is Fun
SW: I had this phone replaced once already, I want a different phone!
ME: Well, we can look at our upgrade program and see what discount you may be eligible for on a new phone.
SW: What can you give me?
ME: What kind of phone do you want?
SW: Whatever's free.
ME: You just upgraded in May. You won't be eligible for the maximum discount at this time. If you want a phone without a charge, we can replace your phone under warranty.
SW: Will you send me a new battery and back cover? Because they didn't send one for this replacement and I can't use it.
ME: Right, we only replace the phone, because that's what is defective. You can use the same battery and back cover from you old phone.
SW: What kind of crap is that? You should replace it all!
ME: But there's nothing wrong with your battery from your old phone.
SW: I don't know where it is! So send me another one.
ME: I can't replace the battery if it's lost. That's not covered by warranty.
SW: But why can't you just send it to me?
ME: Because it's not covered by warranty. You can buy a new battery though.
SW: Fine. What about the back cover?
ME: The manufacturer sends us the phones to send out as replacements. They don't send the back covers. You can only get one by contacting them.
SW: This is ridiculous! You really think this is fair?
ME: Yes. I'm sorry you misplaced your old one, but the instructions that came with the replacement did state that you need to keep them.
SW: And what if I cancel?
ME: Then the termination fee will apply.
SW: This is total bullshit. I can't believe you're refusing to help me!
ME: I am trying to help you.
SW: How?
ME: We can either replace your phone, or you can go through our upgrade program.
SW: Which means buying a phone?
ME: Yes.
SW: *click*
Hey, where are you going? I'm not through with you yet!
SW: Hello?
ME (full of sugary sweetness): Hi! This is Kara from (COMPANY). I am so terribly sorry, but it seems like I lost you there.
SW: Yeah.
ME: So as I was saying, we can replace your phone if it isn't working, though we cannot replace the battery or back cover, but you can acquire those from the manufacturer. Or we can get you a different phone by going through our upgrade program and purchasing one. If you decide to cancel, the termination fee will apply.
SW: Sigh...
ME: So what would you prefer?
SW: I just want a working phone.
ME: Understandably. And that's what I'm trying to help you get.
SW: But I don't like this phone.
ME: Then I can help you get a discount on a different one.
SW: I don't want to spend any money.
ME: Then we can replace your other phone through the warranty.
SW: But I don't know where the battery is.
ME: Then perhaps, if you were to go searching for it, you may be able to find it. Then you can use it in the replacement.
SW: You're not helping me!
ME: I'm providing you with every option at my disposal. What else would you like me to do?
SW: *click*
Oh no you don't! You're not getting away that easily! Aw damn, another call.....
*5 minutes later*
SW: Hello?
ME (Sugar-laced venom): Hi! This is Kara again from (COMPANY). I am dreadfully sorry, but it seems I lost you again, then another call came in or I would have been able to get right back with you.
SW: Yeah.
ME: So, I believe you were about to decide what you wanted me to do for you to get your phone taken care of.
SW: Sigh... Just send me the replacement. I'll try to find the battery.
ME: Great! I'll have that right out to you.
SW: Yeah. Fine.
ME: And thank you sooo much for choosing (COMPANY)! You have a great day!
SW: Yeah. *click*
I was under no obligation to call her back after the first time she hung up on me. And 9 times out of 10, I wouldn't. But I was enjoying myself way too much to let her go. The whole reason she was upset was because she got her phone replaced and it didn't work. I understand. But then she tossed her battery somewhere, and for that I have no sympathy.
Heh heh, cool, heh heh
Not really sucky, but funny as hell. I'm going to confess to you now, I have an immature streak. Joe Dirt kept me laughing the whole movie. Blame my father. This woman called me and wanted to confirm an order. I pulled up the order form and barely kept it together until the call ended. I know how to say "Butte," but ever since the Beavis and Butthead movie I can't think of it the same (when they saw it on a road sign and said "heh heh, Butt). I'd say someone needs to ease off the Taco Bell. Behold:
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