Tweet
They found me. I don't know who or how, but one of my customers tried to kill me. I got to work yesterday and was about to step out of my car when I saw something right where my foot would have landed. I got out and pondered its meaning and could only assume that it was a "clever" trap laid out for me by a vengeful SC who didn't get whatever absurd request granted. Fortunately, as they always seem to forget, I am not mentally handicapped in any way and was able to avoid my would-be assassin's clever attempt on my life. I did get a picture though:
Either that or my coworkers were playing Mario Kart in the parking lot without inviting me. And if they were, I'll so kick their asses.
SW = Sucky Woman
SM = Sucky Man
ME =
O...kaaaaaay...
SW: There are calls on my bill to Whateverville! I don't know anyone in Whateverville!
ME: Perhaps the person you were calling was there at the time.
SW: But I don't know. I.... don't... know... I-I JUST DON'T KNOW! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
ME:
SW: Oh wait, was that when my sister was moving? Yeah, I think it was. She still lived in Whateverville.
Great. Try to keep that in mind next time you decide to have a psychotic episode. And leave me the hell out of it.
At Least She Was Honest
ME: And how are you doing today?
SW: Better than you will be after this call.
Why can't they all warn me ahead of time? I'll remember this. When I am Empress of the world, I'll make sure my death squads dispose of you as painlessly as possible.
I'll Be the Judge of That
ME: And could I just have your name, please?
SW: Blah Blah Smart.
And what a surprise! She was a total moron.
Sigh
Customer was transferred to me. She talked for 3 mins and 52 seconds before I was able to get in a single word. She started in before I could even ask for her name. The fun thing was that she was transferred to the wrong department and I had to wait for her to shut the Elvis-loving f*** up before I could tell her that.
Keep That in Mind... in Your Mind
SW: I'll try to remember that.... in my mind.
As opposed to.... what, exactly? Maybe you should put it in your blackberry. Tell a (more intelligent) friend. Are you a satisfied customer of the Jack Johnson Memory System (super awesome bonus points for the ref)?
FAIL
Started up the automated contract acceptance line and it begins by prompting the customer to enter their number
SYSTEM: Please enter your 10-digit mobile phone number now.
SM: XXX-XXX-XXXXXXXX-X-XXX-XXXXXXX-XXXXXXXX-XXXXXX-XXXXXXXXXXXXX
Okay, assface. Stop before you break the damn thing. You're either a few braincells short of a set or you ported in your number from the planet Melmac (more bonus points for the ref). Either way you couldn't possibly be any farther from performing this most basic of tasks in any way that could be considered in the same dimension of correct. You fail not only this, but as a human being.
Gravekeeper's Farkwit
Note - This guy talked with a voicebox. The problem was that he didn't have his voicebox and yet still thought it a good idea to call me and communicate by spoken word. There was about a 2 second pause as he strained to vocalize each word. I have taken certain liberties to reconstruct what he was trying to say, but the point is still very clearly presented
SM: Listen here. I called in 4 months ago to have this service disconnected, and you people are still billing me.
ME: I'm sorry to hear that. I don't see that you've contacted us in the last 12 months, but I'd be happy to get this taken care of for you.
SM: I have to use a voicebox. I don't have it with me. It hurts to talk. Why do I need a phone?
ME: Well, I can understand how difficult that must be. You have had the account for 3 years, I see.
SM: I can't talk. It hurts. Talk to my wife.
SW: Hello?
ME (aah, this is going to be much easier to deal with): Yes, I understand your husband wants his line canceled?
SW: Yes.
ME (No need to offer anything. The guy doesn't need a phone): Okay, I've canceled the account effective immediately.
SM (back on the line for some odd reason): I called in I don't know how many times to have this line canceled. And you keep billing me anyway. What do you care? You're corporate America.
ME: I did just cancel the-
SM: Corporate America is going to be our downfall. You don't care about the rest of us. You do everything for yourselves and for the corrupt US government. I was in the war. I got shot 6 times and didn't give up. Why did corporate America give up?
I'll stop it there. He rambled on about the evils of corporate America for another 5 minutes. After I canceled his damn account. At some point he went into a rant about how he was stuck in the desert and had to buy a car. I don't know what this has to do with me, or anything that I could even pretend to care about. I should point out that this guy sounded exactly like Gravekeeper's Captain Anti-America. The difference is that he didn't (couldn't) speak as fast. So I'm fighting the urge to mention a certain kind of edible container for ice cream, when the following Outlook reminder I set to pop up every 5 minutes (hey, it keeps me smiling all day) appeared:
Needless to say, I lost most of what he said after that in the fit of giggles that followed.
We've Isolated the Problem. Step 2 is Eliminating it
SM: How could my payment have been declined? I just put money in the machine an hour ago!
Well, let's see. It's 11 pm your time on Saturday night. And it's a holiday weekend. I seriously doubt anyone is at the bank to make the funds available. And it takes the machine up to 24 hours. You know how when you put money in and it tells you on the receipt that funds may not be immediately available? Yeah, they're not joking about that.
Shocking!
SM: Yeah, my wife is at the store and they need me to add her name to the account so she can buy a phone.
ME: Okay, and could I have her name?
SM: Hmm, should I add her name or his name?
Congratulations! In three and a half years of doing this job, you are the first one to overwhelm me with stunned silence. I give you permission to brag to your spouse about this when s/he gets home.
Toe-May-Toe, Toe-Mah-Toe
ME: I understand your phone is broken?
SM: No it's not "broken!"
ME: Then what is the issue?
SM: The hinge came off on one side.
ME: So.... it's not broken, but a piece broke off?
SM: Yeah!
I tried wording it so you could hear just how ridiculous it sounds, but alas my subtle deflection was missed completely by your tiny, cheeto-stained brain. Let me be more direct. You FAIL. Good day.
Why Me?
SW: I want to speak to a supervisor!
ME: May I ask what this is regarding?
SW: The last representative refused to help me.
ME: Okay, well, I see here from the notes that your husband is having problems with the internet service on his phone?
SW: Yes. And I asked them to call him because he has the phone with him and they wouldn't do it.
ME: Well, I'd be happy to contact him. Is there another number he can be reached at?
SW: XXX-XXX-XXXX
ME: Ma'am, that is the second mobile # on the account.
SW: Yes! That's his number!
ME: But is there a different number I can contact him on?
SW: No! He's a truck driver!
ME: I'm sorry, but I need to be able to reach him at a different line than the one he's having trouble with.
SW: WHY ARE YOU PEOPLE REFUSING TO HELP ME?
ME: I'm not refusing. But the troubleshooting process involves resetting the phone as well as adjusting server settings, and these processes can't be done if he's on the phone.
SW: LISTEN TO ME. HE IS A TRUCK DRIVER.... FOR THE GOVERNMENT! He is driving his truck... FOR THE GOVERNMENT!
I don't care if he's driving his truck for Cthulhu. If he doesn't have another phone that I can talk to him on, then there isn't a damn thing I can do for him. I'm sure he can find another phone somewhere. Call him and tell him to be sure and ask the meth-addict prostitute he picks up at the next truck stop if he can use "her" phone before they get down to "business." Then he can call us, we'll fix his problem, and then he can resume getting drunk and discover "Victoria's" secret - "her" pet trouser snake.
I Don't Pity You. I Just Want You to Shut Up
SM: I got this bill of very high amount!
ME: Yes, I see your bill is much higher than normal.
SM: Oh, I don't know how this happen!
ME: Well, you exceeded your minutes by 2036 minutes.
SM: Oh please, please, you have to help me out! I cannot afford this!
ME: Did you happen to notice you were over when you were checking your minutes?
SM: I did not check minutes! I no go over before! Oh please, please *sob* please!
ME: I'm afraid the charges are valid and I can't remove them.
SM (crying): Oh please oh please oh please! I cannot pay! I cannot afford! I will take anything, anything you can do!
ME (Oh, fine. You technically would qualify for at least some sort of credit. Let me find a sup and see how nice they're feeling. Wow, he approved 25% of the overage. That's way more generous than I was planning, but, whatever)
SM: Oh pleeeeeease!
ME: Okay, I was able to get an approval to adjust 25% of your total overage, which would be $205, including tax.
SM (no longer crying): Oh. Well, uh... this is nice, yes. But, do you think you could credit more?
ME: 25% is the most I can credit.
SM: But... but my friend go over and he get 50%.
ME: Well, I don't know what the circumstances are, but with the extremely high amount of the overage, I cannot get anything other than 25%.
SM: *sob* OH PLEEEEASE! Oh please oh please, you must help me!
Yeah, if I could have taken the offer off the table right then and there, I would have done so in a heartbeat. But that wasn't my call to make. So take the damn 25%. I don't really care how you come up with the rest. Go buy some crotchless panties and a push-up bra, call yourself Victoria, and hang out at truck stops, I know the wife of a guy who would be interested. Or sell your testicles, it's obvious you don't need them.
Why Are You Wasting My Time?
SW: I had my phone replaced and you sent me this cheap-ass, lower quality phone!
ME: We replaced it with the same model.
SW: No you didn't! This piece of shit doesn't even have the same features!
ME: Such as?
SW: On the outside screen it shows the time but not the date! The one I sent in showed the time and date! I didn't pay $200 for this phone to have you send me one that is an older, outdated, cheap-ass piece of shit!
ME: Ma'am, the version you had was the original version that came out 2 years ago. But since it was still under warranty since you bought it at a store in January, we sent you the newer version with updated software. The manufacturer made the decision to change the info displayed on the screen with the newer version.
SW: WHY WOULD THEY DO THAT?
ME: I don't know, I didn't make the phone. But they made the decision.
SW: HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHAT THE DATE IS?
Well, lets see here. I have a digital watch, and at the touch of a button it tells me the date. Let's dig through the ol' purse. I have a dayplanner that has a calendar. My checkbook has a calendar for the next 5 years. There's one in my pocketbook. Hey, the new (used) car we bought displays the damn date on the clock. My computer has like 200 programs that can inform me of what day it is. Drive by any bank that has a digital sign out front, it will tell you the time, date, temperature, and even how you can get low interest rates on your loans. The Weather Channel, TV Guide Channel, almost every news channel, and most of our local channels will, at some point, tell you what day it is. My goddamned Wii knows what day it is. In a pinch, if I were really desperate, I could ask someone. Figure it out!
Dude, You Are So Busted
SM: I want to cancel my account because of family situation.
ME: What kind of situation?
SM: Please, I don't want to get into it. Just cancel now.
ME: Would this have anything to do with the new account that was activated today?
SM: I... that...
ME: Because I see a credit check was run on your account, then a new account was activated with the same address and home phone number as your account 5 minutes later.
SM: I went to the store to check my contract. And then my family came while I was there and... no, they didn't. I went home and then they came home and showed off their new phones. That was the problem. We had big fight. They got new account and were bragging. Please, just cancel.
I don't really care why you're canceling, just be honest. I'm not going to get mad, this is what I do all day. If I can save you, great. If not, oh well. But if you lie to me, I will find out, and I will call you on it.
Whew. All that in one day. At least tomorrow is a holiday. Don't expect any stories til I work after that on Thursday. The holidays are always the same. "Do we have free minutes today?" "Are you open today?" "Is your store on Blah blah street open today?" Then I usually get let off about halfway through my shift, so I don't even bother requesting the day off.
Either that or my coworkers were playing Mario Kart in the parking lot without inviting me. And if they were, I'll so kick their asses.
SW = Sucky Woman
SM = Sucky Man
ME =
O...kaaaaaay...
SW: There are calls on my bill to Whateverville! I don't know anyone in Whateverville!
ME: Perhaps the person you were calling was there at the time.
SW: But I don't know. I.... don't... know... I-I JUST DON'T KNOW! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
ME:
SW: Oh wait, was that when my sister was moving? Yeah, I think it was. She still lived in Whateverville.
Great. Try to keep that in mind next time you decide to have a psychotic episode. And leave me the hell out of it.
At Least She Was Honest
ME: And how are you doing today?
SW: Better than you will be after this call.
Why can't they all warn me ahead of time? I'll remember this. When I am Empress of the world, I'll make sure my death squads dispose of you as painlessly as possible.
I'll Be the Judge of That
ME: And could I just have your name, please?
SW: Blah Blah Smart.
And what a surprise! She was a total moron.
Sigh
Customer was transferred to me. She talked for 3 mins and 52 seconds before I was able to get in a single word. She started in before I could even ask for her name. The fun thing was that she was transferred to the wrong department and I had to wait for her to shut the Elvis-loving f*** up before I could tell her that.
Keep That in Mind... in Your Mind
SW: I'll try to remember that.... in my mind.
As opposed to.... what, exactly? Maybe you should put it in your blackberry. Tell a (more intelligent) friend. Are you a satisfied customer of the Jack Johnson Memory System (super awesome bonus points for the ref)?
FAIL
Started up the automated contract acceptance line and it begins by prompting the customer to enter their number
SYSTEM: Please enter your 10-digit mobile phone number now.
SM: XXX-XXX-XXXXXXXX-X-XXX-XXXXXXX-XXXXXXXX-XXXXXX-XXXXXXXXXXXXX
Okay, assface. Stop before you break the damn thing. You're either a few braincells short of a set or you ported in your number from the planet Melmac (more bonus points for the ref). Either way you couldn't possibly be any farther from performing this most basic of tasks in any way that could be considered in the same dimension of correct. You fail not only this, but as a human being.
Gravekeeper's Farkwit
Note - This guy talked with a voicebox. The problem was that he didn't have his voicebox and yet still thought it a good idea to call me and communicate by spoken word. There was about a 2 second pause as he strained to vocalize each word. I have taken certain liberties to reconstruct what he was trying to say, but the point is still very clearly presented
SM: Listen here. I called in 4 months ago to have this service disconnected, and you people are still billing me.
ME: I'm sorry to hear that. I don't see that you've contacted us in the last 12 months, but I'd be happy to get this taken care of for you.
SM: I have to use a voicebox. I don't have it with me. It hurts to talk. Why do I need a phone?
ME: Well, I can understand how difficult that must be. You have had the account for 3 years, I see.
SM: I can't talk. It hurts. Talk to my wife.
SW: Hello?
ME (aah, this is going to be much easier to deal with): Yes, I understand your husband wants his line canceled?
SW: Yes.
ME (No need to offer anything. The guy doesn't need a phone): Okay, I've canceled the account effective immediately.
SM (back on the line for some odd reason): I called in I don't know how many times to have this line canceled. And you keep billing me anyway. What do you care? You're corporate America.
ME: I did just cancel the-
SM: Corporate America is going to be our downfall. You don't care about the rest of us. You do everything for yourselves and for the corrupt US government. I was in the war. I got shot 6 times and didn't give up. Why did corporate America give up?
I'll stop it there. He rambled on about the evils of corporate America for another 5 minutes. After I canceled his damn account. At some point he went into a rant about how he was stuck in the desert and had to buy a car. I don't know what this has to do with me, or anything that I could even pretend to care about. I should point out that this guy sounded exactly like Gravekeeper's Captain Anti-America. The difference is that he didn't (couldn't) speak as fast. So I'm fighting the urge to mention a certain kind of edible container for ice cream, when the following Outlook reminder I set to pop up every 5 minutes (hey, it keeps me smiling all day) appeared:
Needless to say, I lost most of what he said after that in the fit of giggles that followed.
We've Isolated the Problem. Step 2 is Eliminating it
SM: How could my payment have been declined? I just put money in the machine an hour ago!
Well, let's see. It's 11 pm your time on Saturday night. And it's a holiday weekend. I seriously doubt anyone is at the bank to make the funds available. And it takes the machine up to 24 hours. You know how when you put money in and it tells you on the receipt that funds may not be immediately available? Yeah, they're not joking about that.
Shocking!
SM: Yeah, my wife is at the store and they need me to add her name to the account so she can buy a phone.
ME: Okay, and could I have her name?
SM: Hmm, should I add her name or his name?
Congratulations! In three and a half years of doing this job, you are the first one to overwhelm me with stunned silence. I give you permission to brag to your spouse about this when s/he gets home.
Toe-May-Toe, Toe-Mah-Toe
ME: I understand your phone is broken?
SM: No it's not "broken!"
ME: Then what is the issue?
SM: The hinge came off on one side.
ME: So.... it's not broken, but a piece broke off?
SM: Yeah!
I tried wording it so you could hear just how ridiculous it sounds, but alas my subtle deflection was missed completely by your tiny, cheeto-stained brain. Let me be more direct. You FAIL. Good day.
Why Me?
SW: I want to speak to a supervisor!
ME: May I ask what this is regarding?
SW: The last representative refused to help me.
ME: Okay, well, I see here from the notes that your husband is having problems with the internet service on his phone?
SW: Yes. And I asked them to call him because he has the phone with him and they wouldn't do it.
ME: Well, I'd be happy to contact him. Is there another number he can be reached at?
SW: XXX-XXX-XXXX
ME: Ma'am, that is the second mobile # on the account.
SW: Yes! That's his number!
ME: But is there a different number I can contact him on?
SW: No! He's a truck driver!
ME: I'm sorry, but I need to be able to reach him at a different line than the one he's having trouble with.
SW: WHY ARE YOU PEOPLE REFUSING TO HELP ME?
ME: I'm not refusing. But the troubleshooting process involves resetting the phone as well as adjusting server settings, and these processes can't be done if he's on the phone.
SW: LISTEN TO ME. HE IS A TRUCK DRIVER.... FOR THE GOVERNMENT! He is driving his truck... FOR THE GOVERNMENT!
I don't care if he's driving his truck for Cthulhu. If he doesn't have another phone that I can talk to him on, then there isn't a damn thing I can do for him. I'm sure he can find another phone somewhere. Call him and tell him to be sure and ask the meth-addict prostitute he picks up at the next truck stop if he can use "her" phone before they get down to "business." Then he can call us, we'll fix his problem, and then he can resume getting drunk and discover "Victoria's" secret - "her" pet trouser snake.
I Don't Pity You. I Just Want You to Shut Up
SM: I got this bill of very high amount!
ME: Yes, I see your bill is much higher than normal.
SM: Oh, I don't know how this happen!
ME: Well, you exceeded your minutes by 2036 minutes.
SM: Oh please, please, you have to help me out! I cannot afford this!
ME: Did you happen to notice you were over when you were checking your minutes?
SM: I did not check minutes! I no go over before! Oh please, please *sob* please!
ME: I'm afraid the charges are valid and I can't remove them.
SM (crying): Oh please oh please oh please! I cannot pay! I cannot afford! I will take anything, anything you can do!
ME (Oh, fine. You technically would qualify for at least some sort of credit. Let me find a sup and see how nice they're feeling. Wow, he approved 25% of the overage. That's way more generous than I was planning, but, whatever)
SM: Oh pleeeeeease!
ME: Okay, I was able to get an approval to adjust 25% of your total overage, which would be $205, including tax.
SM (no longer crying): Oh. Well, uh... this is nice, yes. But, do you think you could credit more?
ME: 25% is the most I can credit.
SM: But... but my friend go over and he get 50%.
ME: Well, I don't know what the circumstances are, but with the extremely high amount of the overage, I cannot get anything other than 25%.
SM: *sob* OH PLEEEEASE! Oh please oh please, you must help me!
Yeah, if I could have taken the offer off the table right then and there, I would have done so in a heartbeat. But that wasn't my call to make. So take the damn 25%. I don't really care how you come up with the rest. Go buy some crotchless panties and a push-up bra, call yourself Victoria, and hang out at truck stops, I know the wife of a guy who would be interested. Or sell your testicles, it's obvious you don't need them.
Why Are You Wasting My Time?
SW: I had my phone replaced and you sent me this cheap-ass, lower quality phone!
ME: We replaced it with the same model.
SW: No you didn't! This piece of shit doesn't even have the same features!
ME: Such as?
SW: On the outside screen it shows the time but not the date! The one I sent in showed the time and date! I didn't pay $200 for this phone to have you send me one that is an older, outdated, cheap-ass piece of shit!
ME: Ma'am, the version you had was the original version that came out 2 years ago. But since it was still under warranty since you bought it at a store in January, we sent you the newer version with updated software. The manufacturer made the decision to change the info displayed on the screen with the newer version.
SW: WHY WOULD THEY DO THAT?
ME: I don't know, I didn't make the phone. But they made the decision.
SW: HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHAT THE DATE IS?
Well, lets see here. I have a digital watch, and at the touch of a button it tells me the date. Let's dig through the ol' purse. I have a dayplanner that has a calendar. My checkbook has a calendar for the next 5 years. There's one in my pocketbook. Hey, the new (used) car we bought displays the damn date on the clock. My computer has like 200 programs that can inform me of what day it is. Drive by any bank that has a digital sign out front, it will tell you the time, date, temperature, and even how you can get low interest rates on your loans. The Weather Channel, TV Guide Channel, almost every news channel, and most of our local channels will, at some point, tell you what day it is. My goddamned Wii knows what day it is. In a pinch, if I were really desperate, I could ask someone. Figure it out!
Dude, You Are So Busted
SM: I want to cancel my account because of family situation.
ME: What kind of situation?
SM: Please, I don't want to get into it. Just cancel now.
ME: Would this have anything to do with the new account that was activated today?
SM: I... that...
ME: Because I see a credit check was run on your account, then a new account was activated with the same address and home phone number as your account 5 minutes later.
SM: I went to the store to check my contract. And then my family came while I was there and... no, they didn't. I went home and then they came home and showed off their new phones. That was the problem. We had big fight. They got new account and were bragging. Please, just cancel.
I don't really care why you're canceling, just be honest. I'm not going to get mad, this is what I do all day. If I can save you, great. If not, oh well. But if you lie to me, I will find out, and I will call you on it.
Whew. All that in one day. At least tomorrow is a holiday. Don't expect any stories til I work after that on Thursday. The holidays are always the same. "Do we have free minutes today?" "Are you open today?" "Is your store on Blah blah street open today?" Then I usually get let off about halfway through my shift, so I don't even bother requesting the day off.
Comment