Excuses for Not Coming to Work

[CaroPhoenix]

- I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

- My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.

- If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all my guns today.

- I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at Kroger.

- I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

- The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

[DGoddessChardonnay]

LMAO

Here's one to add:

I accidentally OD'd on Viagra and now I can't put my pants on.

[Gawdzillers]

That reminds me of something I heard:
An answering machine message:
"Hi, you've reached the Johnson residence. If you're calling to threaten us, we can't come to the phone right now, we're cleaning our guns. If you're calling to simply leave a message, do so at the beep."

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

I'm fond of the old "anal glaucoma" excuse--I can't see my ass coming in to work

[DGoddessChardonnay]

I'm fond of the old "anal glaucoma" excuse--I can't see my ass coming in to work

Oh yes, that one. First time I heard that one was from Cliff the Breadman.

Still freakin' hilarious