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......a day late. But my first night back was pretty quiet so I didn't have enough to post. ;p
Stuff Not To Do
1) If you're painfully white and dressed like an extra from the Red Green show you probably shouldn't be out front of Granville Station flashing Wu-Tang gangsta signs/poses. While your friends take pictures on their cell phone cameras.
"This is like the best picture EVER."
Indeed.
2) Also, you probably shouldn't be asking people for change if you're smoking and have a beer in the other hand hand. I realize to you this may simply be your order of priorities ( Food being #3 or #4 or #5. I'm not sure where "Hookers" and "Meth" are on your list. ). But I can assure most people aren't going to muster much sympathy for you when you ask them for change over the rim of a can of Budweiser.
3) Finally, if you're a store clerk at 7/11 and a guy is slipping out the door with handfuls of candy and you ask him:
"Hey! Did you pay for that?!"
and he says:
"Yes"
........and you let him leave……..perhaps you should think for a moment and realize you're the only clerk on the tills you festering idiot. If you of all people didn't see him pay for it then I'm going to suggest that perhaps he did not, in fact, pay for it. But just ignore my objection, clearly I'm not intelligent enough to make that kind of critical judgment call.
Riddle me This
SC: "Can I put a second name on there?"
Me: "Sure, what name?"
SC: "It starts with a K."
Me: "……alright?"
SC: "......."
Ok…..can I at least buy a vowel or something?
Magic
SC: "Yeah yer machine's not workin!"
Me: "Ok, what's the problem?"
SC: "Right."
Me: "…….er?"
SC: "Oh, hey, its working."
Me: "….."
SC: "Great, thanks! Bye."
Me: "...you're welcome."
Yes, that's right. I literally just convinced a caller that I can fix complicated electronics with my mind at a distance of roughly 2100 miles. Jesus Christ, I am awesome.
Misfortune
Me: "Alright, you should receive your tickets in 2-3 weeks."
SC: "Great, thanks. Good luck!"
Me: "Er, thanks."
SC: "Bye!"
Me: "Bye."
Er…..well I know you didn't just buy the lottery tickets for me. So what precisely were you wishing me good luck with? Hanging up the phone? I know I may not sound like it but I am quite qualified to undertake that difficult, oft dangerous task without harming myself. Regardless of how many times you've personally gone to hang up the phone only to wake up in the burn unit an hour later without your pants and only one eyebrow, its actually a relatively safe process for me. I am, after all, a highly trained professional.
You First.
Me: "Good morning, <company> Technology."
SC: "Huh? Who?"
Me: "<company> Technology"
SC: "I don't want technology! I want my ()@*)ing place!"
Me: "I'm sorry, what?"
SC: "Screw you! You @(&%@! I don't want technology!"
Me: "Well, you're the one that dialed the wrong number."
SC: "Get off the phone then! A**hole!"
Me: "…….."
SC: "…….."
Me: "......"
SC: "......<click>"
Me: "A WINNER IS ME!"
Apparently someone pressed my Smart Ass button today.
Round 2
( Here he is again, not moments later )
Me: "Good evening, <company> Technology"
SC: "Yeah, I wanna know how much is on this card!
( Ah, so now you need me, eh? )
Me: "Alright, what's the pin?"
SC: "xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx"
Me: "You have $20 left on that card."
SC: "Really? Then connect me to my place!"
Me: "I can't connect you to anywhere. You'll have to dial the access number on the card itself."
SC: "I want you to connect me!"
Me: "I can't do that, I'm sorry. You have to use the access number then enter your pin."
SC: "Then give me to another operator that can!"
Me: "No other operator here can do that for you."
SC: "I deal with you guys all the time though! Through like, Sprint and, er, uh, stuff."
Me: "We're not your phone company. We're the calling card company."
SC: "Oh, but I wanna phone home! I'm too shittfaced to do it myself~"
( Really? I never would have guessed. )
Me: "I'm sorry, I can't connect you. You have to dial the access number."
SC: "I wanna phone home. Like ET! Phone home! ET Phone home!"
Me: "…….you have to use the access number."
SC: "Bah, ok, bye."
Ah yes, I remember that part of ET. That whole subplot that dealt with ET's slow descent into alcoholism after that first innocent sip of Coor's. Remember that one scene near the end of the movie where got liquored up on Jack Daniels, ran out of Reese Pieces, flew into a rage and ended up beating Elliot with lawn chair in front of their trailer home at 2am until the cops showed up and dragged him away? That scene was awesome. ET in his little stained white wife beater shirt being thrown in the back of a patrol car yelling "I din' do nothin'!#~". Elliot trying to chase after the car in his pink nightie with a black eye yelling "Don't take him! I love him!" while the cops restrain him.
Ok, well, maybe that was just the director's cut.
Reading Comprehension
Me: "Good evening, <company>"
SC: "Yeah, what's dis?"
Me: "This is <company>"
SC: "Ok, well I called."
Me: ".....ok.....for what exactly?"
SC: "I don't know, you tell me! It said to call this number cus o' ma bill!"
Me: "...alright, was there a problem with your bill payment?"
SC: "No! I mean, yes, I guess. It says to call cus there's a problem with my bill!"
Me: "What says to call?"
SC: "Mah receipt!"
Me: "......."
( The light begins to dawn on me.....but I'm in disbelief. )
SC: "......."
Me: "Down at the bottom you mean?"
( No way.... )
SC: "Ya!"
Me: "....it says to call IF you have any problems or questions regarding your bill. Not to call BECAUSE there's a problem or question with your bill."
SC: "Oh."
......Jeebus stumpfark. No, just no....thats it. No more. I need a nap.
I Have Seen the Light
Caller: "Oh, I can't find my ID number…….we'll just have to start from the zero point."
Wait, I think I missed something here. How did we get from lottery tickets to quantum physics? Typically my callers experience a gradual decline in mental capability the longer they attempt to talk ( and most didn’t start from that high a peak to begin with. ) You on the other hand appear to be displaying the opposite effect. I am intrigued. I shall now endeavor to keep you on the line for as long as possible. If this trend continues perhaps I can glean the very secrets of the universe from you. Speak, oh wise one, tell me your name and address. But spell them out very slowly if you would and maybe you'll let slip the meaning of life halfway through the postal code.
Resentment
( I CANNOT offer support for software from other companies, Its a huge no no. Especially if I can't even identify it and especially if its a security related application. )
Me: "Alright, do you have a firewall or antivirus software running?"
SC: "….uh…..I dunno….."
Me: "Ok, then where did you purchase the laptop?"
SC: "Gateway."
Me: "Ok, then they may have preinstalled anti-virus software then. Do you know if there was a software bundle with the laptop?"
SC:"…...I dunno.....um...."
Me: "Hm, you may have to contact Gateway and check if there was any antivirus software pre-installed on the system. Antivirus software will interfere with the installation so you'll need to identify it and disable it first."
SC: "<sarcastic little chuckle> Yeah, ok."
If YOU don't have even the faintest clue if you have antivirus software or not let alone what kind, what makes you think *I* know? I'm not sure where you think you dialed but I did say "<company>" not "The PC Whisperer". Although if you're truly looking for that type of approach I guess I would advise you to be calm and assertive with the computer. Let it know that you are the pack leader. The PC draws off of your behaviour. If you act like a pillow chewing shit weasel, so too will the PC.
In fact, I may have just solved your problem. Try reinstalling now.
Track & Field.
Me: "Alright, by Visa, Mastercard or American Express?"
SC: "Yep."
Me: "…."
Invalid response. Please pick yourself up off the track, limp back past the hurdle and take another run at it. You're suppose to *jump* when you get to it. Not attempt to defeat it with your crotch. I know its the primary way you confront problems in your daily life but sadly your chance of success with it here is rather slim.
Mr Death to America is going to kill me with his bare hands after this morning....I'll try and pull that out this weekend. -.-
Stuff Not To Do
1) If you're painfully white and dressed like an extra from the Red Green show you probably shouldn't be out front of Granville Station flashing Wu-Tang gangsta signs/poses. While your friends take pictures on their cell phone cameras.
"This is like the best picture EVER."
Indeed.
2) Also, you probably shouldn't be asking people for change if you're smoking and have a beer in the other hand hand. I realize to you this may simply be your order of priorities ( Food being #3 or #4 or #5. I'm not sure where "Hookers" and "Meth" are on your list. ). But I can assure most people aren't going to muster much sympathy for you when you ask them for change over the rim of a can of Budweiser.
3) Finally, if you're a store clerk at 7/11 and a guy is slipping out the door with handfuls of candy and you ask him:
"Hey! Did you pay for that?!"
and he says:
"Yes"
........and you let him leave……..perhaps you should think for a moment and realize you're the only clerk on the tills you festering idiot. If you of all people didn't see him pay for it then I'm going to suggest that perhaps he did not, in fact, pay for it. But just ignore my objection, clearly I'm not intelligent enough to make that kind of critical judgment call.
Riddle me This
SC: "Can I put a second name on there?"
Me: "Sure, what name?"
SC: "It starts with a K."
Me: "……alright?"
SC: "......."
Ok…..can I at least buy a vowel or something?
Magic
SC: "Yeah yer machine's not workin!"
Me: "Ok, what's the problem?"
SC: "Right."
Me: "…….er?"
SC: "Oh, hey, its working."
Me: "….."
SC: "Great, thanks! Bye."
Me: "...you're welcome."
Yes, that's right. I literally just convinced a caller that I can fix complicated electronics with my mind at a distance of roughly 2100 miles. Jesus Christ, I am awesome.
Misfortune
Me: "Alright, you should receive your tickets in 2-3 weeks."
SC: "Great, thanks. Good luck!"
Me: "Er, thanks."
SC: "Bye!"
Me: "Bye."
Er…..well I know you didn't just buy the lottery tickets for me. So what precisely were you wishing me good luck with? Hanging up the phone? I know I may not sound like it but I am quite qualified to undertake that difficult, oft dangerous task without harming myself. Regardless of how many times you've personally gone to hang up the phone only to wake up in the burn unit an hour later without your pants and only one eyebrow, its actually a relatively safe process for me. I am, after all, a highly trained professional.
You First.
Me: "Good morning, <company> Technology."
SC: "Huh? Who?"
Me: "<company> Technology"
SC: "I don't want technology! I want my ()@*)ing place!"
Me: "I'm sorry, what?"
SC: "Screw you! You @(&%@! I don't want technology!"
Me: "Well, you're the one that dialed the wrong number."
SC: "Get off the phone then! A**hole!"
Me: "…….."
SC: "…….."
Me: "......"
SC: "......<click>"
Me: "A WINNER IS ME!"
Apparently someone pressed my Smart Ass button today.
Round 2
( Here he is again, not moments later )
Me: "Good evening, <company> Technology"
SC: "Yeah, I wanna know how much is on this card!
( Ah, so now you need me, eh? )
Me: "Alright, what's the pin?"
SC: "xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx"
Me: "You have $20 left on that card."
SC: "Really? Then connect me to my place!"
Me: "I can't connect you to anywhere. You'll have to dial the access number on the card itself."
SC: "I want you to connect me!"
Me: "I can't do that, I'm sorry. You have to use the access number then enter your pin."
SC: "Then give me to another operator that can!"
Me: "No other operator here can do that for you."
SC: "I deal with you guys all the time though! Through like, Sprint and, er, uh, stuff."
Me: "We're not your phone company. We're the calling card company."
SC: "Oh, but I wanna phone home! I'm too shittfaced to do it myself~"
( Really? I never would have guessed. )
Me: "I'm sorry, I can't connect you. You have to dial the access number."
SC: "I wanna phone home. Like ET! Phone home! ET Phone home!"
Me: "…….you have to use the access number."
SC: "Bah, ok, bye."
Ah yes, I remember that part of ET. That whole subplot that dealt with ET's slow descent into alcoholism after that first innocent sip of Coor's. Remember that one scene near the end of the movie where got liquored up on Jack Daniels, ran out of Reese Pieces, flew into a rage and ended up beating Elliot with lawn chair in front of their trailer home at 2am until the cops showed up and dragged him away? That scene was awesome. ET in his little stained white wife beater shirt being thrown in the back of a patrol car yelling "I din' do nothin'!#~". Elliot trying to chase after the car in his pink nightie with a black eye yelling "Don't take him! I love him!" while the cops restrain him.
Ok, well, maybe that was just the director's cut.
Reading Comprehension
Me: "Good evening, <company>"
SC: "Yeah, what's dis?"
Me: "This is <company>"
SC: "Ok, well I called."
Me: ".....ok.....for what exactly?"
SC: "I don't know, you tell me! It said to call this number cus o' ma bill!"
Me: "...alright, was there a problem with your bill payment?"
SC: "No! I mean, yes, I guess. It says to call cus there's a problem with my bill!"
Me: "What says to call?"
SC: "Mah receipt!"
Me: "......."
( The light begins to dawn on me.....but I'm in disbelief. )
SC: "......."
Me: "Down at the bottom you mean?"
( No way.... )
SC: "Ya!"
Me: "....it says to call IF you have any problems or questions regarding your bill. Not to call BECAUSE there's a problem or question with your bill."
SC: "Oh."
......Jeebus stumpfark. No, just no....thats it. No more. I need a nap.
I Have Seen the Light
Caller: "Oh, I can't find my ID number…….we'll just have to start from the zero point."
Wait, I think I missed something here. How did we get from lottery tickets to quantum physics? Typically my callers experience a gradual decline in mental capability the longer they attempt to talk ( and most didn’t start from that high a peak to begin with. ) You on the other hand appear to be displaying the opposite effect. I am intrigued. I shall now endeavor to keep you on the line for as long as possible. If this trend continues perhaps I can glean the very secrets of the universe from you. Speak, oh wise one, tell me your name and address. But spell them out very slowly if you would and maybe you'll let slip the meaning of life halfway through the postal code.
Resentment
( I CANNOT offer support for software from other companies, Its a huge no no. Especially if I can't even identify it and especially if its a security related application. )
Me: "Alright, do you have a firewall or antivirus software running?"
SC: "….uh…..I dunno….."
Me: "Ok, then where did you purchase the laptop?"
SC: "Gateway."
Me: "Ok, then they may have preinstalled anti-virus software then. Do you know if there was a software bundle with the laptop?"
SC:"…...I dunno.....um...."
Me: "Hm, you may have to contact Gateway and check if there was any antivirus software pre-installed on the system. Antivirus software will interfere with the installation so you'll need to identify it and disable it first."
SC: "<sarcastic little chuckle> Yeah, ok."
If YOU don't have even the faintest clue if you have antivirus software or not let alone what kind, what makes you think *I* know? I'm not sure where you think you dialed but I did say "<company>" not "The PC Whisperer". Although if you're truly looking for that type of approach I guess I would advise you to be calm and assertive with the computer. Let it know that you are the pack leader. The PC draws off of your behaviour. If you act like a pillow chewing shit weasel, so too will the PC.
In fact, I may have just solved your problem. Try reinstalling now.
Track & Field.
Me: "Alright, by Visa, Mastercard or American Express?"
SC: "Yep."
Me: "…."
Invalid response. Please pick yourself up off the track, limp back past the hurdle and take another run at it. You're suppose to *jump* when you get to it. Not attempt to defeat it with your crotch. I know its the primary way you confront problems in your daily life but sadly your chance of success with it here is rather slim.
Mr Death to America is going to kill me with his bare hands after this morning....I'll try and pull that out this weekend. -.-
You are a GOD.
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