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If I ever mysteriously stop posting its because this man:
http://www.customerssuck.com/media/g...r/thesound.mp3
( Language warning. ;p )
found me.
Redneck's Abroad
A curious one this was. As I was attempting to exit the Skytrain station I found my path blocked by two...I'm not sure how to put it....designer rednecks. Like...they were definately red necks....but from the waist down they were a Gap commercial. But from the waist up they were Nascar fans in cheap seats.
The man, I shall call him Jim Bob Juggapoon for reference, had on designer jeans and Nikes....but then from the waist up: Frayed greasy plaid shirt over encrusted gas station t-shirt + mullet + Nascar hat + a pierced ear ( An attempt to up his international cool factor I guess. ). He was also hauling wheeled luggage with airport tags.
The woman, his wife/sister-daughter ( Think on that a moment ) I shall simply call her by what I assume was her high school nick name "Skidmark". She too had on designer jeans, shoes....and then frayed greasy coat + crusty t-shirt + hair that looks as if its only ever been attended to with rusty gardening tools.
They're holding hands, but at the same time maximizing the distance between themselves. This allows them to block the entire stairwell. The reason they have stopped, and thus halted my own journey, is because Juggapoon needs a moment to wrap his "brain" around how to get wheeled luggage down a staircase. I use the term brain loosely. Perhaps "Cluster of bacon bits being held together by a mixture of dog hair and cheeze whiz" would be a more apt description. But anyway, after a minute he realizes he can simply lift the luggage by the handle and carry it down the stairs.
As I get stuck behind this two ( They're blocking the entire hall now >< ) Skidmark suddenly stops and bends over ( THE GOGGLES! THEY DO NOTHING! ) and picks something up. I'm kinda thinking "wtf?" but whatever. I assume she saw something shiny and was compelled to stuff it in her cheeks to store until she could take it back to her young. They make it about 10 feet....then she does it again. The fark? .....and again.....now I'm watching the ground to see what the hell treasure this woman is mining for. Then I see what she snags as she dives in for the next one:
Old cigarette butts.
....<shudder>....
Stuffing them into the pockets of her designer jeans of course.
Misguided Rage
( Brownie Points )
SC: "Yeah, mah phone's off but I paid mah bills!"
Me: "Alright, have you tried contacting your phone company?"
SC: "They're closed!"
Me: "You'll have to contact them to find out what happened with your account."
SC: "But der closed! I jus gottoffa werk an I gotta call ma kids at home to make sure they're ok"
( Its 4am.... )
Me: "There's absolutely nothing I can do about your phone being disconnected."
SC: "FINE! BYE!"
Where to start, where to start.
Ok, so, you need to call your kids to "make sure they're ok" but your first impulse upon locating a working phone is calling me? Nice try on the sympathy card but there seems to be a glaring flaw in your argument. Besides, what the heck do you think *I* can do about this? Trust me if I had the ability to disconnect phone lines you would never hear a dial tone for the rest of your natural life.
In fact every phone you came within 20 feet of would immediately cut out until you left the area. News of your mysterious curse would spread fast until the US military picked up on it. Next thing you know you'll be deployed in Iraq as part of a counter-insurgency squad in Operation Thundering Cameltoe.
American Rights
1) Caught hiding in the trunk of a car trying to cross the border into Canada.
2) Has no ID.
3) Arrested.
4) Obviously this is an outrage and his rights as an "American Citizen" are being violated ( Even though he's trying to sneak into Canada. )
5) I only just barely stopped myself from offering the border guard $50 if he could get the guy on duty with the largest hands to hold a couple of ice cold Mountain Dews for 15 minutes right before he's reassigned to this guy's cavity search.
I Have Heard Some Stupid Excuses....
...but this one rendered even me speechless. ( Yes this farkwit is Kara's customer too. )
SC: "Yeah I paid mah bill yesterday and it don't no post yet!"
Me: "Ok, do you have the receipt? I'll need the transaction ID to find-"
SC: "I dun have no receipt!"
Me: "Ok t-"
SC: "I dropped it on mah way home from the store and didn' feel lahk pickin' it up!"
Me: ".......<snerk>"
I don't even need a punch line this time.
( I looked up this woman's case history and apparently she called us two weeks ago to bitch that the date on her receipt was "the wrong way". )
This Line is Cursed
( Yes this occured today. Yes, numbnuts is looking at the dated receipt at the same time. )
Me: "Alright, when did you pay the bill?"
SC: "On the 9th of September."
Me: "Today?"
SC: "No. A few days ago."
Me: "……."
SC: "……."
If you can't muster the mental faculties required to defeat a calendar then you may require more assistance then I am equipped, qualified or remotely willing to offer.
...and the same line again
SC: "The machine didn't print me a receipt!!"
Me: "Ok, it's probably just out of paper. Did you need any information off of the receipt immediately?"
SC: "Yes!"
Me: "Alright, well I can have one of the tier 2 techs pull the info off the machine and give you-"
SC: "Argh! YOU'RE MISSING THE POINT! <hangs up>"
…yes, I will admit that I am. What the hell WAS the point of that?
Polenta
( Because I know you enjoy useless stories about my daily life. )
Last week I purchased polenta. ( Mhmm.. ). But it didn't scan at the register. So the baffled cashier picked up the phone and cast whatever cantrip was required to summon her price check underling. So that she could ascertain the price of my Italian style polenta. ( Mhmm? ). Man servant Hecubus arrives moments later ( Well, I think it was "Jim" or something, but I don't remember. So Hecubus it is. ). He has the awe inspiring title of Asst. Manager on his name tag. He also looks like Napoleon Dynamite in his 40's. Man servant Hecubus looks at the polenta. Rolls the polenta. Curiously sniffs the polenta. But, his blood hound like nasal capabilities having failed to pick up the trail, was forced to ask me where I got it.
So I explain the exact aisle ( Rice aisle ) and exact position ( Very end by meat dept, on your left, under the organic foods display. About half way down. Under the couscous. ). Hecubus leaves. Me and the cashier make small talk. Time passes. More small talk. Time passes. Small talk is becoming acutely uncomfortable as we run out of innane topics to discuss. The person behind me in line, sensing the impending fail, wisely elects to move to another check out.
Finally, he returns. Hecubus can not locate the polenta in the store which he assistant manages. Despite detail instructions. Hecubus pleads for my assistance. I leave the check out to lead Hecubus on an enlightening safari through his own store. Upon pointing out the polenta I receive the response "Oh wow, I never thought to look there! Sorry.". Even though that is the precise location I told him to look.
Fast foward a week later.
Today. I once again go to purchase my polenta ( Mhmm. ). It doesn't scan. I die a little inside. I run through the ballad of The Last Polenta to the cashier as she summons an underling......annnnd here's Hecubus again. Oi. Hecubus wanders off ( I saw no "eureka!" of recognition as to me or this item in his eyes either. Leading me to worry. ). I give Hecubus excruciatingly detailed directions on how to locate the polenta trove. Hecubus wanders off. Cashier begins asking me pointed, probing questions about polenta ( Apparently she has never seen nor heard of it. ). I answer while waiting for Hecubus......
....time passes....things look grim......
.....then the phone rings! Its Hecubus! He has found the polenta!
Hallelujah!
( My life is boring. I only make it SOUND interesting. )
Pride
Caller called us several times over a 4 hour period from 1am to 5am. Always from the same number and always a hang up. Finally it popped up again on my line and low and behold, she SPOKE!
SC: "Yeah, can you page <her boyfriend>? I...um.....I locked myself out and his cell is forwarded to you."
Let me get this straight: You just spend the last 4 hours sitting out in the street in god knows what part of town in the early AM because you didn't want to admit to us you locked yourself out? Wow. I can't even step into that. I can only applaud politely from the sidelines.
Oh, psst. To add insult to stupidity: Your boyfriend has his pager turned off too. Enjoy your street corner.
What?
( Brownie point reference )
Me: "Good evening, <company name>"
SC: "Hello."
Me: "Hi."
SC: "Hello."
Me: "Hi, can I help you?"
SC: "Did you not hear what I was speaking?"
Me: "…er..I'm sorry?"
SC: "Ok, I said you received a call from such and such address about a water leak-"
The fark? I don't know who or what you deluded yourself into thinking you were speaking with before you picked up the phone but it wasn't me. If you really think your cat is *that* smart tell him to remind you to put the bong down an hour or two before you place any phone calls. You may not be crisp, granted, but you'll function.
Deja Vu
Me: "Alright, what's your zip code?"
SC: "I live in Detroit."
Me: "Ok, but can I have your zip code?"
SC: "On such and such street."
Me: "Yes, but what is your zip code?"
This all seems stunningly familiar. Was it hard to get US citizenship in Nunavut?
Now....days off. -.-
http://www.customerssuck.com/media/g...r/thesound.mp3
( Language warning. ;p )
found me.
Redneck's Abroad
A curious one this was. As I was attempting to exit the Skytrain station I found my path blocked by two...I'm not sure how to put it....designer rednecks. Like...they were definately red necks....but from the waist down they were a Gap commercial. But from the waist up they were Nascar fans in cheap seats.
The man, I shall call him Jim Bob Juggapoon for reference, had on designer jeans and Nikes....but then from the waist up: Frayed greasy plaid shirt over encrusted gas station t-shirt + mullet + Nascar hat + a pierced ear ( An attempt to up his international cool factor I guess. ). He was also hauling wheeled luggage with airport tags.
The woman, his wife/sister-daughter ( Think on that a moment ) I shall simply call her by what I assume was her high school nick name "Skidmark". She too had on designer jeans, shoes....and then frayed greasy coat + crusty t-shirt + hair that looks as if its only ever been attended to with rusty gardening tools.
They're holding hands, but at the same time maximizing the distance between themselves. This allows them to block the entire stairwell. The reason they have stopped, and thus halted my own journey, is because Juggapoon needs a moment to wrap his "brain" around how to get wheeled luggage down a staircase. I use the term brain loosely. Perhaps "Cluster of bacon bits being held together by a mixture of dog hair and cheeze whiz" would be a more apt description. But anyway, after a minute he realizes he can simply lift the luggage by the handle and carry it down the stairs.
As I get stuck behind this two ( They're blocking the entire hall now >< ) Skidmark suddenly stops and bends over ( THE GOGGLES! THEY DO NOTHING! ) and picks something up. I'm kinda thinking "wtf?" but whatever. I assume she saw something shiny and was compelled to stuff it in her cheeks to store until she could take it back to her young. They make it about 10 feet....then she does it again. The fark? .....and again.....now I'm watching the ground to see what the hell treasure this woman is mining for. Then I see what she snags as she dives in for the next one:
Old cigarette butts.
....<shudder>....
Stuffing them into the pockets of her designer jeans of course.
Misguided Rage
( Brownie Points )
SC: "Yeah, mah phone's off but I paid mah bills!"
Me: "Alright, have you tried contacting your phone company?"
SC: "They're closed!"
Me: "You'll have to contact them to find out what happened with your account."
SC: "But der closed! I jus gottoffa werk an I gotta call ma kids at home to make sure they're ok"
( Its 4am.... )
Me: "There's absolutely nothing I can do about your phone being disconnected."
SC: "FINE! BYE!"
Where to start, where to start.
Ok, so, you need to call your kids to "make sure they're ok" but your first impulse upon locating a working phone is calling me? Nice try on the sympathy card but there seems to be a glaring flaw in your argument. Besides, what the heck do you think *I* can do about this? Trust me if I had the ability to disconnect phone lines you would never hear a dial tone for the rest of your natural life.
In fact every phone you came within 20 feet of would immediately cut out until you left the area. News of your mysterious curse would spread fast until the US military picked up on it. Next thing you know you'll be deployed in Iraq as part of a counter-insurgency squad in Operation Thundering Cameltoe.
American Rights
1) Caught hiding in the trunk of a car trying to cross the border into Canada.
2) Has no ID.
3) Arrested.
4) Obviously this is an outrage and his rights as an "American Citizen" are being violated ( Even though he's trying to sneak into Canada. )
5) I only just barely stopped myself from offering the border guard $50 if he could get the guy on duty with the largest hands to hold a couple of ice cold Mountain Dews for 15 minutes right before he's reassigned to this guy's cavity search.
I Have Heard Some Stupid Excuses....
...but this one rendered even me speechless. ( Yes this farkwit is Kara's customer too. )
SC: "Yeah I paid mah bill yesterday and it don't no post yet!"
Me: "Ok, do you have the receipt? I'll need the transaction ID to find-"
SC: "I dun have no receipt!"
Me: "Ok t-"
SC: "I dropped it on mah way home from the store and didn' feel lahk pickin' it up!"
Me: ".......<snerk>"
I don't even need a punch line this time.
( I looked up this woman's case history and apparently she called us two weeks ago to bitch that the date on her receipt was "the wrong way". )
This Line is Cursed
( Yes this occured today. Yes, numbnuts is looking at the dated receipt at the same time. )
Me: "Alright, when did you pay the bill?"
SC: "On the 9th of September."
Me: "Today?"
SC: "No. A few days ago."
Me: "……."
SC: "……."
If you can't muster the mental faculties required to defeat a calendar then you may require more assistance then I am equipped, qualified or remotely willing to offer.
...and the same line again
SC: "The machine didn't print me a receipt!!"
Me: "Ok, it's probably just out of paper. Did you need any information off of the receipt immediately?"
SC: "Yes!"
Me: "Alright, well I can have one of the tier 2 techs pull the info off the machine and give you-"
SC: "Argh! YOU'RE MISSING THE POINT! <hangs up>"
…yes, I will admit that I am. What the hell WAS the point of that?
Polenta
( Because I know you enjoy useless stories about my daily life. )
Last week I purchased polenta. ( Mhmm.. ). But it didn't scan at the register. So the baffled cashier picked up the phone and cast whatever cantrip was required to summon her price check underling. So that she could ascertain the price of my Italian style polenta. ( Mhmm? ). Man servant Hecubus arrives moments later ( Well, I think it was "Jim" or something, but I don't remember. So Hecubus it is. ). He has the awe inspiring title of Asst. Manager on his name tag. He also looks like Napoleon Dynamite in his 40's. Man servant Hecubus looks at the polenta. Rolls the polenta. Curiously sniffs the polenta. But, his blood hound like nasal capabilities having failed to pick up the trail, was forced to ask me where I got it.
So I explain the exact aisle ( Rice aisle ) and exact position ( Very end by meat dept, on your left, under the organic foods display. About half way down. Under the couscous. ). Hecubus leaves. Me and the cashier make small talk. Time passes. More small talk. Time passes. Small talk is becoming acutely uncomfortable as we run out of innane topics to discuss. The person behind me in line, sensing the impending fail, wisely elects to move to another check out.
Finally, he returns. Hecubus can not locate the polenta in the store which he assistant manages. Despite detail instructions. Hecubus pleads for my assistance. I leave the check out to lead Hecubus on an enlightening safari through his own store. Upon pointing out the polenta I receive the response "Oh wow, I never thought to look there! Sorry.". Even though that is the precise location I told him to look.
Fast foward a week later.
Today. I once again go to purchase my polenta ( Mhmm. ). It doesn't scan. I die a little inside. I run through the ballad of The Last Polenta to the cashier as she summons an underling......annnnd here's Hecubus again. Oi. Hecubus wanders off ( I saw no "eureka!" of recognition as to me or this item in his eyes either. Leading me to worry. ). I give Hecubus excruciatingly detailed directions on how to locate the polenta trove. Hecubus wanders off. Cashier begins asking me pointed, probing questions about polenta ( Apparently she has never seen nor heard of it. ). I answer while waiting for Hecubus......
....time passes....things look grim......
.....then the phone rings! Its Hecubus! He has found the polenta!
Hallelujah!
( My life is boring. I only make it SOUND interesting. )
Pride
Caller called us several times over a 4 hour period from 1am to 5am. Always from the same number and always a hang up. Finally it popped up again on my line and low and behold, she SPOKE!
SC: "Yeah, can you page <her boyfriend>? I...um.....I locked myself out and his cell is forwarded to you."
Let me get this straight: You just spend the last 4 hours sitting out in the street in god knows what part of town in the early AM because you didn't want to admit to us you locked yourself out? Wow. I can't even step into that. I can only applaud politely from the sidelines.
Oh, psst. To add insult to stupidity: Your boyfriend has his pager turned off too. Enjoy your street corner.
What?
( Brownie point reference )
Me: "Good evening, <company name>"
SC: "Hello."
Me: "Hi."
SC: "Hello."
Me: "Hi, can I help you?"
SC: "Did you not hear what I was speaking?"
Me: "…er..I'm sorry?"
SC: "Ok, I said you received a call from such and such address about a water leak-"
The fark? I don't know who or what you deluded yourself into thinking you were speaking with before you picked up the phone but it wasn't me. If you really think your cat is *that* smart tell him to remind you to put the bong down an hour or two before you place any phone calls. You may not be crisp, granted, but you'll function.
Deja Vu
Me: "Alright, what's your zip code?"
SC: "I live in Detroit."
Me: "Ok, but can I have your zip code?"
SC: "On such and such street."
Me: "Yes, but what is your zip code?"
This all seems stunningly familiar. Was it hard to get US citizenship in Nunavut?
Now....days off. -.-
)
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