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Sometimes I delude myself into believing that stupidity exists only on the phone. Then reality hits me upside the head like it did yesterday. All day, it was cloudy, there were storm warnings, lightning, and so on. We went out to lunch and it just unloaded with pouring down rain. It was still raining as we dashed to Wal Mart, we could hear the rain pounding on the roof inside the crowded store. They didn't have what we were looking for, so we went to Target. The rain let up on the way and stopped by the time we got there. We rolled the windows down in the van to get some of that refreshing post-rain cool air, and a couple women were walking to their car when one said "Huh. Did it rain or something?"
Keep in mind that the sudden downpour has soaked everything and there were large puddles all over the parking lot. Do you even have to ask? And what do you mean, or something? What the hell else could it have been? We're in the middle of the US, a Tsunami big enough to hit here would probably have annihilated all of us anyway.
Still, this is only mildly idiotic compared to Saturday (and a few calls I've had so far today).
SW = Sucky Woman
SM = Sucky Man
ME= I wonder if I could trademark "No" as my catchphrase...
Is This the Part Where I Feel Sorry for You?
SW: I need my service turned back on, cause it's not my fault the check bounced.
ME: I do see here where we had a returned check payment, which did result in immediate account suspension. I'd be happy to get that restored for you, would you like to replace the payment by credit card?
SW: No, you don't understand. I paid my bill.
ME: Yes, but you bank rejected it.
SW: No, that was my sister. See, I paid my part of the bill for my line. But it's not my problem if she writes a bad check for her line, so why am I suspended?
ME: Both your lines are on the same account, and the total amount due must be paid by a specific date. If a check payment is returned, the entire account is suspended.
SW: But it's not my fault her check bounced!
ME: I understand that. But her line is on your account, making the payments for both lines of service your responsibility and not hers. It is your responsibility that if you have an arrangement for a user on your account to make a payment, to ensure that they are making a payment that will be acceptable.
SW: Fine, take it out of my checking account then.
ME: I can't do that.
SW: Why not?
ME: Because once a check payment is returned, your account is not authorized to make a check payment for a minimum of 30 days. At that time, our payment authorization department will review your account and determine whether or not you will remain ineligible for check payments and for how long, or if they will reinstate that priviledge to your service.
SW: This is a bunch of bullshit! Why do I have to be punished because of what my sister did? It's MY account!
Here's a heartfelt piece of advise. Never, ever get a line of service for someone else unless their ass is within kicking distance from you. I don't care if they're your best friend, mother, brother, child, dog, or random stranger*, this never ends well. Because legally, it's no one's fault but yours. Don't set yourself up for this, let them fend for themselves because they probably can and will screw you at some point.
*I'm not joking about this. You can't even imagine how often people set up lines under their own credit and SSN for someone they barely know or don't know at all. I had a guy once complain about being sent to a collection agency because he was in a store, some guy came up to him and asked him if he'd help him get a phone, gave the store his SSN and let them set it all up in his name, and never saw the guy again.
You Seriously Got the Wrong Rep, Buster
Brief rundown. This asshat actually went to a shady authorized dealer to get a new phone back in February. He agrees to a 2 year contract for a free phone, which they inform him is a used phone and he has no problem with it. There is a problem though, because warranties are not transferrable, and I looked up the serial number and found that the originaly warranty would have expired in May anyway (yes, he not only agreed to get a used phone from them, but one that was severely outdated). I inform him that alas, the fact that his buttons don't respond is not a warrantied issue for his phone because there is no warranty and it would have expired even if transferring it to him were possible, which it's not. Then the fun begins.
SM: Okay, I'm not going to keep arguing about this with you. I can walk across the street and get service with (COMPETITOR). But I know that you don't want to let customers just walk away, so I know you're going to go out of your way to make me happy. So you can get me (PHONE) for free without a contract.
ME: No, but I can get you that phone for $349.99 with a 2 year contract.
SM: I'm sorry, I didn't catch that. Did you just say "Mr Asshat, I'd be happy to take care of that for you," or did you say "Mr Asshat, you just go right ahead and go somewhere that knows how to treat customers?"
ME: I apologize, perhaps I wasn't clear. I can get you that phone for $349.99 with a 2 year contract.
SM: You know, it's just incredible how you just sit there like a robot and follow your little policies, even if it means losing a highly valuable customer.
ME: Mr Asshat, I know what you're wanting me to do for you, but I am not able to do so, as I've tried to explain. You used your upgrade discount in February at the store, you are not eligible for the full discount on a new phone at this time.
SM: I know you have your "policies," and your "terms," but here's what you need to understand. I want you to work with me on my terms. I want to know that you care about me and would do anything to make me happy. I want you to make me feel all warm and fuzzy about you. So can you do that for me, Kara?
ME: I've already gone over what I can do for you.
SM: Then I guess we're done here.
ME: Yes, it appears so.
You want warm and fuzzy? I can arrange that. We get lots of skunks around here, I'm sure I could find one that has rabies and mail it to you. I'll even overnight it, so you fully understand just how much I appreciate you.
I Just Can't Resist
SM: What you say?
You are on the way to destruction! You have no chance to survive make your time!
Avast!
ME: Hi, this is Kara, could I just have your name please?
SM: Arrrg!
Easy there, Captain Assbeard, we haven't even done anything yet.
This One's Just for My Own Amusement
ME: Could I just have your name please?
SM: Milton.
No, I don't know what happened to your stapler.
Tag-Team Stupidity
SW: I want to cancel this line on the account because my husband's phone isn't working right.
ME: Well, I'd be happy to look at getting it replaced since it's still under warranty.
SW: No, it's a terrible phone anyway.
ME: We could see if he's eligible for a discount on a new phone.
SW: No, just get rid of it.
ME: Okay. That line will be canceled and the termination fee will apply, and-
SW: No! We aren't paying any termination fee!
ME: Well, if you choose to cancel, then you will be charged a termination fee since the line is under contract from its activation in January.
SW: But his phone doesn't work!
ME: Right, and that is why I'd like to look at getting your phone replaced for you.
SW: But he hates this phone.
ME: And that's why I also offered to look at buying a new phone.
SW: No! I want it canceled but I'm not paying the fee.
ME: Should you elect to cancel, then you will be billed the termination fee that you agreed to when you accepted the contract for his line.
SW: This is.... Do you want to talk to them?
SM: Hello?
ME: Hi!
SM: Listen to me. YOU ARE GOING TO CANCEL THIS LINE NOW!
ME: Very well. As I was explaining to your lovely wife, there will be a termination fee for canceling a line under contract.
SM: NO THERE WON'T! THE PHONE DOESN'T WORK!
ME: And as I explained to your wife, we can replace it.
SM: I DON'T LIKE THIS PHONE! I HATE IT!
ME: Well, you did select it when you activated in January.
SM: No I didn't! My wife got it for me.
ME: Oh. Then perhaps you should take it up with her.
Oh yeah. Two SC's destroyed in one call. Double bonus for me!
Advice
SW: You know what? Go F*** yourself!
Actual note I left on customer's account (we were back-to-back so I didn't have time to nab a screenshot): Customer called in wanting credit for valid charges. Offered bonus minutes, customer declined. Demanded to speak to supervisor, advised sup would also not be able to apply a credit. Customer then suggested that I procreate with myself and hung up.
I Did, BTW
SM: I can't believe you would force a customer to pay a fee like this. I hope you sleep well tonight.
ME: Thank you, I will.
Customer's negligence in keeping track of his usage? $600. Brain to mouth filter failure? Priceless.
On Responsibility
SM: I have a problem with these overage charges on my bill.
ME: I don't see any overage on your bill.
SM: No, it was a couple months ago.
ME: I see you haven't had any overage since April.
SM: Yes, and you overcharged me.
ME: You had 1487 minutes of overage that month.
**Long story short, we argued about this for awhile and I finally decided to go for the kill**
ME: The bill in question is six months old. It's beyond the 60 days you are able to dispute your bill. Did you notice during that month that you were going over?
SM: I don't check my minutes.
ME: Then surely you saw it on your bill.
SM: I'm on automatic payment, I don't look at my bill.
Okay, you don't check your minutes, you don't read your bills, you don't pay any attention to your service at all, but want me to credit you six months later?
Keep in mind that the sudden downpour has soaked everything and there were large puddles all over the parking lot. Do you even have to ask? And what do you mean, or something? What the hell else could it have been? We're in the middle of the US, a Tsunami big enough to hit here would probably have annihilated all of us anyway.
Still, this is only mildly idiotic compared to Saturday (and a few calls I've had so far today).
SW = Sucky Woman
SM = Sucky Man
ME= I wonder if I could trademark "No" as my catchphrase...
Is This the Part Where I Feel Sorry for You?
SW: I need my service turned back on, cause it's not my fault the check bounced.
ME: I do see here where we had a returned check payment, which did result in immediate account suspension. I'd be happy to get that restored for you, would you like to replace the payment by credit card?
SW: No, you don't understand. I paid my bill.
ME: Yes, but you bank rejected it.
SW: No, that was my sister. See, I paid my part of the bill for my line. But it's not my problem if she writes a bad check for her line, so why am I suspended?
ME: Both your lines are on the same account, and the total amount due must be paid by a specific date. If a check payment is returned, the entire account is suspended.
SW: But it's not my fault her check bounced!
ME: I understand that. But her line is on your account, making the payments for both lines of service your responsibility and not hers. It is your responsibility that if you have an arrangement for a user on your account to make a payment, to ensure that they are making a payment that will be acceptable.
SW: Fine, take it out of my checking account then.
ME: I can't do that.
SW: Why not?
ME: Because once a check payment is returned, your account is not authorized to make a check payment for a minimum of 30 days. At that time, our payment authorization department will review your account and determine whether or not you will remain ineligible for check payments and for how long, or if they will reinstate that priviledge to your service.
SW: This is a bunch of bullshit! Why do I have to be punished because of what my sister did? It's MY account!
Here's a heartfelt piece of advise. Never, ever get a line of service for someone else unless their ass is within kicking distance from you. I don't care if they're your best friend, mother, brother, child, dog, or random stranger*, this never ends well. Because legally, it's no one's fault but yours. Don't set yourself up for this, let them fend for themselves because they probably can and will screw you at some point.
*I'm not joking about this. You can't even imagine how often people set up lines under their own credit and SSN for someone they barely know or don't know at all. I had a guy once complain about being sent to a collection agency because he was in a store, some guy came up to him and asked him if he'd help him get a phone, gave the store his SSN and let them set it all up in his name, and never saw the guy again.
You Seriously Got the Wrong Rep, Buster
Brief rundown. This asshat actually went to a shady authorized dealer to get a new phone back in February. He agrees to a 2 year contract for a free phone, which they inform him is a used phone and he has no problem with it. There is a problem though, because warranties are not transferrable, and I looked up the serial number and found that the originaly warranty would have expired in May anyway (yes, he not only agreed to get a used phone from them, but one that was severely outdated). I inform him that alas, the fact that his buttons don't respond is not a warrantied issue for his phone because there is no warranty and it would have expired even if transferring it to him were possible, which it's not. Then the fun begins.
SM: Okay, I'm not going to keep arguing about this with you. I can walk across the street and get service with (COMPETITOR). But I know that you don't want to let customers just walk away, so I know you're going to go out of your way to make me happy. So you can get me (PHONE) for free without a contract.
ME: No, but I can get you that phone for $349.99 with a 2 year contract.
SM: I'm sorry, I didn't catch that. Did you just say "Mr Asshat, I'd be happy to take care of that for you," or did you say "Mr Asshat, you just go right ahead and go somewhere that knows how to treat customers?"
ME: I apologize, perhaps I wasn't clear. I can get you that phone for $349.99 with a 2 year contract.
SM: You know, it's just incredible how you just sit there like a robot and follow your little policies, even if it means losing a highly valuable customer.
ME: Mr Asshat, I know what you're wanting me to do for you, but I am not able to do so, as I've tried to explain. You used your upgrade discount in February at the store, you are not eligible for the full discount on a new phone at this time.
SM: I know you have your "policies," and your "terms," but here's what you need to understand. I want you to work with me on my terms. I want to know that you care about me and would do anything to make me happy. I want you to make me feel all warm and fuzzy about you. So can you do that for me, Kara?
ME: I've already gone over what I can do for you.
SM: Then I guess we're done here.
ME: Yes, it appears so.
You want warm and fuzzy? I can arrange that. We get lots of skunks around here, I'm sure I could find one that has rabies and mail it to you. I'll even overnight it, so you fully understand just how much I appreciate you.
I Just Can't Resist
SM: What you say?
You are on the way to destruction! You have no chance to survive make your time!
Avast!
ME: Hi, this is Kara, could I just have your name please?
SM: Arrrg!
Easy there, Captain Assbeard, we haven't even done anything yet.
This One's Just for My Own Amusement
ME: Could I just have your name please?
SM: Milton.
No, I don't know what happened to your stapler.
Tag-Team Stupidity
SW: I want to cancel this line on the account because my husband's phone isn't working right.
ME: Well, I'd be happy to look at getting it replaced since it's still under warranty.
SW: No, it's a terrible phone anyway.
ME: We could see if he's eligible for a discount on a new phone.
SW: No, just get rid of it.
ME: Okay. That line will be canceled and the termination fee will apply, and-
SW: No! We aren't paying any termination fee!
ME: Well, if you choose to cancel, then you will be charged a termination fee since the line is under contract from its activation in January.
SW: But his phone doesn't work!
ME: Right, and that is why I'd like to look at getting your phone replaced for you.
SW: But he hates this phone.
ME: And that's why I also offered to look at buying a new phone.
SW: No! I want it canceled but I'm not paying the fee.
ME: Should you elect to cancel, then you will be billed the termination fee that you agreed to when you accepted the contract for his line.
SW: This is.... Do you want to talk to them?
SM: Hello?
ME: Hi!
SM: Listen to me. YOU ARE GOING TO CANCEL THIS LINE NOW!
ME: Very well. As I was explaining to your lovely wife, there will be a termination fee for canceling a line under contract.
SM: NO THERE WON'T! THE PHONE DOESN'T WORK!
ME: And as I explained to your wife, we can replace it.
SM: I DON'T LIKE THIS PHONE! I HATE IT!
ME: Well, you did select it when you activated in January.
SM: No I didn't! My wife got it for me.
ME: Oh. Then perhaps you should take it up with her.
Oh yeah. Two SC's destroyed in one call. Double bonus for me!
Advice
SW: You know what? Go F*** yourself!
Actual note I left on customer's account (we were back-to-back so I didn't have time to nab a screenshot): Customer called in wanting credit for valid charges. Offered bonus minutes, customer declined. Demanded to speak to supervisor, advised sup would also not be able to apply a credit. Customer then suggested that I procreate with myself and hung up.
I Did, BTW
SM: I can't believe you would force a customer to pay a fee like this. I hope you sleep well tonight.
ME: Thank you, I will.
Customer's negligence in keeping track of his usage? $600. Brain to mouth filter failure? Priceless.
On Responsibility
SM: I have a problem with these overage charges on my bill.
ME: I don't see any overage on your bill.
SM: No, it was a couple months ago.
ME: I see you haven't had any overage since April.
SM: Yes, and you overcharged me.
ME: You had 1487 minutes of overage that month.
**Long story short, we argued about this for awhile and I finally decided to go for the kill**
ME: The bill in question is six months old. It's beyond the 60 days you are able to dispute your bill. Did you notice during that month that you were going over?
SM: I don't check my minutes.
ME: Then surely you saw it on your bill.
SM: I'm on automatic payment, I don't look at my bill.
Okay, you don't check your minutes, you don't read your bills, you don't pay any attention to your service at all, but want me to credit you six months later?
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