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Oi.....
Hey! Listen!
Me: "Good evening, <company>, are you calling to book a room?"
SC: "Yeah, I'm a stranded passenger"
Me: "Ok, are you calling to book a room?"
SC: "I missed my connection."
Me: "Ok, are you calling to book a room then?"
SC: "I'm stuck here in Las Vegas"
Me: "Alright, are you calling to book a room in Las Vegas?"
SC: "I was stuck for 6 hours in Pennsylvania"
Me: "Are you calling to book a room?"
SC: "Oh, no."
Much as I enjoy being the termite that's trying to bore through the tard bark of the f*ckwit tree would it kill you shut your gibbering Twinkie chute and listen for a moment? If you could, for even a fleeting moment, turn the emergency shut off valve for the pipeline of your pointless gibbering ( Break the glass first ) you may finally realize that you have made a grave error and have called the wrong number.
....and?
SC: "Ya, someone came and turned my lights off…"
Me: "Have you called your utilities company?"
SC: "I did but they don't answer…."
I assume that would be because its around 4am on a Saturday. Thus you called us. Why I don't know. I'm not even remotely related to your power company so Its not like I can do anything about it even if I wanted too. Which I don't. If it was up to me you'd be sealed beneath the ground and denied light for the rest of your natural life with the sole exception of one of those glow in the dark plastic necklaces you strap on your kids so you can find them at Disney World. This isn't for your benefit of course. This is just so when you do finally wander so deep you breach the lair of whatever unspeakable ancient evil or religiously xenophobic mole people lives beneath us you can be easily located.
Sigh
Thank you for waiting till the very end of the call after I had opened an entirely new case for you to mention that you had already called and opened a case. It was very helpful and I must express my gratitude. I didn't need that 2 minutes of my life anyway. It’s a good thing you came along to help me pointlessly dribble it away in the most meaningless way possible.
...what?
SC: "How long for Cox?!"
Me: "…how long for what, sorry?"
SC: "Cox!"
…..well, that went to a weird, scary place for a moment.
Raging Stupidity and Instant Karma
So….this morning I watched a guy desperate pull on the door at 7/11 that says "Please Use Other Door" on it in gigantic bold text with a huge arrow pointing to the other door. His struggle went on for so long he actually dislodged the Please Use Other Door sign on the inside of the door. However, the Please Use Other Door sign on the outside of the door endured to mock him directly to his face. He did not notice the sign until the manager finally came over to chew him out for not reading the sign and yanking on their already broken door.
Any normal ( even if utterly halfwitted ) human being at this point would likely be embarrassed, shame faced or at least somewhat sheepish, right? No, not this brave soul. This guy actually ARGUED with the manager over the broken door and how its stupid to just put a huge ass sign that says Please Use Other Door when you want people to use the other door. His entire argument was "Well of course I'm going to try to pull on the door when I walk up to the store because it’s a door!". No mention of the gigantic sign that says Please Use Other Door or the fact the door is obviously broken and jammed. Yet you persisted in yanking on it for a good 20 seconds with this perplexed monkey in a cloths dryer look on your face as you stared directly at the sign. While everyone in the store stared at you.
I could only watch in awe along with the clerk and other customers.
But he could not simply admit defeat! Oh no, not this man. This man would have his vengeance. He would hatch a plan so devious, so despicable, that it would shame the store clerk for the rest of his life and prove his superior door pulling intellect. Since I was right behind him in line, I got to watch.
First, he orders a pack of cigarettes. Which he can clearly see. The clerk picks them off the shelve and turns to him to make sure they are the right ones. he says yes. The pack is sitting on the counter in front of him, in plain view, while the clerk rings it up. ( Of course this guy has issues with plain view... ). This guy is bitching the entire time he's waiting too. About the door and how stupid it is, etc.
So he waits until AFTER the clerk rings up the purchase and after he pays for the cigarettes and the clerk closes the till. Then he points at them and goes "Hey, I asked for REGULAR! Those are lights. What the hell? I CLEARLY TOLD YOU REGULAR!"
The clerk gives him a look that would make kittens writhe in agony, then looks at me. I shake my head. The guy did NOT say regular. He's just trying to make the clerk look stupid. So the clerk looks back at him with a look that would make caribou writhe in agony. Gets the cigarettes he claims he wanted to begin with, smacks them on the counter and goes through the hassle of refunding the guy the difference ( Which was something like 30 cents. ). All the while Captain Asshat is standing there with a big smirk on his face.
So he finally gets the "right" cigs and gets a refund....then he suddenly starts bitching and swearing again and goes running out of the store. Through the correct door this time I might add. I'm kind of thinking "wtf?" but whatever. After I pay for my stuff I head out, and he's outside bitching and swearing about.....missing his bus.
You see there's a bus stop right outside of 7/11. So he just saw his bus pull away as he was pulling his little shit disturbance on the clerk. A bus he would have caught had he not tried to pull any crap on the clerk. Oh, and this is 7:30am on a Sunday morning. Most buses only run once every half hour that early on a Sunday. So now he has to stand outside in the rain for half an hour waiting. All because he tried to be a dick.
I made sure to smile for him when I walked by.
=(
( These are all different calls and different people. Oh, and yeah, the greeting for this line says NOTHING about cabs or anything that sounds remotely like a cab. )
SC: "Can I get a cab too-"
Me: "Sorry, you have the wrong number."
SC: "Oh, do you know the cab number?"
Me: "Sure, its xxx-xxxx"
SC: "Great, thanks. F**k you. <click>"
Me: "……."
Sometime later.
SC: "Is this the cab company?"
Me: "No its not, sorry."
SC: "Do you know the number for it?"
Me: "Its xxx-xxxx"
SC: "Oh, what did I call?"
Me: "xxx-xxxx"
SC: "Oh, ok. Thanks, f**ker. <click>"
And later…..
SC: "Yeah, I need a cab at-"
Me: "This isn't a cab company, you have the wrong number."
SC: "Oh, do you know the right number?"
Me: "No. No, I don't. Sorry."
SC: "Ah, ok. Thanks anyway. Go f**k yourself. <click>"
I can't win. =(
A Tragic Tale
( Vending machine company....this is the abridged version of what was a rather long, drunken call. )
SC: "Yeah, I have a problem with your machine!"
Me: "Ok, which machine?"
SC: "What do you mean which machine?"
Me: "Where is it located?"
SC: "Canada."
Me: ".....you'll need to be a bit more specific."
SC: "Uh, <address>."
Me: "Ok, what's the problem?"
SC: "I've been trying to get this bag of Old Dutch Sour Cream and Onion for like 3 weeks! It won't drop."
Me: "….ok, well-"
SC: "Can you like send a team out to get my chips?"
Me: "....no. Not at this time of night, sorry. I can have the service guy take a look at it later on."
SC: "How long will he be?! I wanna meet him."
Me: "It wouldn't be till after 8 am at the very earliest."
SC: "Are you typing?"
Me: "Yes."
SC: "I can hear you typing."
Me: "……ok"
SC: "So 8am? Ok. Can you get him to bring a bunch of chips for all the chips I never got?"
Me: "…unfortunately no, I 'm not going to send him out with chips. I can ar-"
SC: "But there's like four flavours of Old Dutch Chips that I cannot enjoy!"
Me: "......"
SC: "......"
Me: "......"
SC: ".....are you laughing at me!?"
Me: "Maybe."
SC: "........"
Me: "……..I'll have the service guy take a look at the machine, ok?"
SC: "Ok, bu-"
Me: "bye bye~"
If you're really that desperate for chips I can go grab you a bag from the vending machine here I suppose….of course I'm not about to reveal my exact location to you or endure your company in person. So give me a bit till I go on break and can run downstairs. If you really want sour cream & onion that bad you're going to have to scour <removed for my safety> street for em. Think of it as a flavourful scavenger hunt that’s now trans fat free and low in saturated fat.
There aren't too many hiding places I see from the 4th floor here and sadly the windows don't open so I can't just pitch them into the street..…..hm……I wonder if the port-a-potties are still around at that construction site next door…..oh don't worry, the bag is sealed. You may have to bob for it like an apple...but the bag is sealed.
annnnd days off.
Hey! Listen!
Me: "Good evening, <company>, are you calling to book a room?"
SC: "Yeah, I'm a stranded passenger"
Me: "Ok, are you calling to book a room?"
SC: "I missed my connection."
Me: "Ok, are you calling to book a room then?"
SC: "I'm stuck here in Las Vegas"
Me: "Alright, are you calling to book a room in Las Vegas?"
SC: "I was stuck for 6 hours in Pennsylvania"
Me: "Are you calling to book a room?"
SC: "Oh, no."
Much as I enjoy being the termite that's trying to bore through the tard bark of the f*ckwit tree would it kill you shut your gibbering Twinkie chute and listen for a moment? If you could, for even a fleeting moment, turn the emergency shut off valve for the pipeline of your pointless gibbering ( Break the glass first ) you may finally realize that you have made a grave error and have called the wrong number.
....and?
SC: "Ya, someone came and turned my lights off…"
Me: "Have you called your utilities company?"
SC: "I did but they don't answer…."
I assume that would be because its around 4am on a Saturday. Thus you called us. Why I don't know. I'm not even remotely related to your power company so Its not like I can do anything about it even if I wanted too. Which I don't. If it was up to me you'd be sealed beneath the ground and denied light for the rest of your natural life with the sole exception of one of those glow in the dark plastic necklaces you strap on your kids so you can find them at Disney World. This isn't for your benefit of course. This is just so when you do finally wander so deep you breach the lair of whatever unspeakable ancient evil or religiously xenophobic mole people lives beneath us you can be easily located.
Sigh
Thank you for waiting till the very end of the call after I had opened an entirely new case for you to mention that you had already called and opened a case. It was very helpful and I must express my gratitude. I didn't need that 2 minutes of my life anyway. It’s a good thing you came along to help me pointlessly dribble it away in the most meaningless way possible.
...what?
SC: "How long for Cox?!"
Me: "…how long for what, sorry?"
SC: "Cox!"
…..well, that went to a weird, scary place for a moment.
Raging Stupidity and Instant Karma
So….this morning I watched a guy desperate pull on the door at 7/11 that says "Please Use Other Door" on it in gigantic bold text with a huge arrow pointing to the other door. His struggle went on for so long he actually dislodged the Please Use Other Door sign on the inside of the door. However, the Please Use Other Door sign on the outside of the door endured to mock him directly to his face. He did not notice the sign until the manager finally came over to chew him out for not reading the sign and yanking on their already broken door.
Any normal ( even if utterly halfwitted ) human being at this point would likely be embarrassed, shame faced or at least somewhat sheepish, right? No, not this brave soul. This guy actually ARGUED with the manager over the broken door and how its stupid to just put a huge ass sign that says Please Use Other Door when you want people to use the other door. His entire argument was "Well of course I'm going to try to pull on the door when I walk up to the store because it’s a door!". No mention of the gigantic sign that says Please Use Other Door or the fact the door is obviously broken and jammed. Yet you persisted in yanking on it for a good 20 seconds with this perplexed monkey in a cloths dryer look on your face as you stared directly at the sign. While everyone in the store stared at you.
I could only watch in awe along with the clerk and other customers.
But he could not simply admit defeat! Oh no, not this man. This man would have his vengeance. He would hatch a plan so devious, so despicable, that it would shame the store clerk for the rest of his life and prove his superior door pulling intellect. Since I was right behind him in line, I got to watch.
First, he orders a pack of cigarettes. Which he can clearly see. The clerk picks them off the shelve and turns to him to make sure they are the right ones. he says yes. The pack is sitting on the counter in front of him, in plain view, while the clerk rings it up. ( Of course this guy has issues with plain view... ). This guy is bitching the entire time he's waiting too. About the door and how stupid it is, etc.
So he waits until AFTER the clerk rings up the purchase and after he pays for the cigarettes and the clerk closes the till. Then he points at them and goes "Hey, I asked for REGULAR! Those are lights. What the hell? I CLEARLY TOLD YOU REGULAR!"
The clerk gives him a look that would make kittens writhe in agony, then looks at me. I shake my head. The guy did NOT say regular. He's just trying to make the clerk look stupid. So the clerk looks back at him with a look that would make caribou writhe in agony. Gets the cigarettes he claims he wanted to begin with, smacks them on the counter and goes through the hassle of refunding the guy the difference ( Which was something like 30 cents. ). All the while Captain Asshat is standing there with a big smirk on his face.
So he finally gets the "right" cigs and gets a refund....then he suddenly starts bitching and swearing again and goes running out of the store. Through the correct door this time I might add. I'm kind of thinking "wtf?" but whatever. After I pay for my stuff I head out, and he's outside bitching and swearing about.....missing his bus.
You see there's a bus stop right outside of 7/11. So he just saw his bus pull away as he was pulling his little shit disturbance on the clerk. A bus he would have caught had he not tried to pull any crap on the clerk. Oh, and this is 7:30am on a Sunday morning. Most buses only run once every half hour that early on a Sunday. So now he has to stand outside in the rain for half an hour waiting. All because he tried to be a dick.
I made sure to smile for him when I walked by.
=(
( These are all different calls and different people. Oh, and yeah, the greeting for this line says NOTHING about cabs or anything that sounds remotely like a cab. )
SC: "Can I get a cab too-"
Me: "Sorry, you have the wrong number."
SC: "Oh, do you know the cab number?"
Me: "Sure, its xxx-xxxx"
SC: "Great, thanks. F**k you. <click>"
Me: "……."
Sometime later.
SC: "Is this the cab company?"
Me: "No its not, sorry."
SC: "Do you know the number for it?"
Me: "Its xxx-xxxx"
SC: "Oh, what did I call?"
Me: "xxx-xxxx"
SC: "Oh, ok. Thanks, f**ker. <click>"
And later…..
SC: "Yeah, I need a cab at-"
Me: "This isn't a cab company, you have the wrong number."
SC: "Oh, do you know the right number?"
Me: "No. No, I don't. Sorry."
SC: "Ah, ok. Thanks anyway. Go f**k yourself. <click>"
I can't win. =(
A Tragic Tale
( Vending machine company....this is the abridged version of what was a rather long, drunken call. )
SC: "Yeah, I have a problem with your machine!"
Me: "Ok, which machine?"
SC: "What do you mean which machine?"
Me: "Where is it located?"
SC: "Canada."
Me: ".....you'll need to be a bit more specific."
SC: "Uh, <address>."
Me: "Ok, what's the problem?"
SC: "I've been trying to get this bag of Old Dutch Sour Cream and Onion for like 3 weeks! It won't drop."
Me: "….ok, well-"
SC: "Can you like send a team out to get my chips?"
Me: "....no. Not at this time of night, sorry. I can have the service guy take a look at it later on."
SC: "How long will he be?! I wanna meet him."
Me: "It wouldn't be till after 8 am at the very earliest."
SC: "Are you typing?"
Me: "Yes."
SC: "I can hear you typing."
Me: "……ok"
SC: "So 8am? Ok. Can you get him to bring a bunch of chips for all the chips I never got?"
Me: "…unfortunately no, I 'm not going to send him out with chips. I can ar-"
SC: "But there's like four flavours of Old Dutch Chips that I cannot enjoy!"
Me: "......"
SC: "......"
Me: "......"
SC: ".....are you laughing at me!?"
Me: "Maybe."
SC: "........"
Me: "……..I'll have the service guy take a look at the machine, ok?"
SC: "Ok, bu-"
Me: "bye bye~"
If you're really that desperate for chips I can go grab you a bag from the vending machine here I suppose….of course I'm not about to reveal my exact location to you or endure your company in person. So give me a bit till I go on break and can run downstairs. If you really want sour cream & onion that bad you're going to have to scour <removed for my safety> street for em. Think of it as a flavourful scavenger hunt that’s now trans fat free and low in saturated fat.
There aren't too many hiding places I see from the 4th floor here and sadly the windows don't open so I can't just pitch them into the street..…..hm……I wonder if the port-a-potties are still around at that construction site next door…..oh don't worry, the bag is sealed. You may have to bob for it like an apple...but the bag is sealed.
annnnd days off.
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