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Ever had a discussion with a person so dense that conversation ground to a halt so completely because you needed something so obvious that you couldn't formulate a way to ask for it without sounding like a complete smartass?
Pauses given as they happened. Imagine the bleachiest blonde bimbette you've ever spoken to, then breed her with Kato Kaelin...and make sure the mother smokes pot during the first trimester. The resulting female hellspawn of California Valley Girl and Personification Of Duh is what I was talking to.
Also keep in mind that this is a NEWSPAPER, and hence, photos of police in our paper are pretty freaking commen. I'd bet there's at least two a week. Hence the impossibility of what she's asking.
Me: "Newsroom."
Ditz: "Hiiii......I was just talking to circulation........they sent me to you......."
Me: "...okay, how can I help you?"
Ditz: "Ummmmm..............I need a paper....from last year........"
Me: *waits for clarification for about 30 seconds, gets none* "Okay, what were you searching for?"
Ditz: "Ummmm....?"
Me: *offers my own clarification* "Were you looking for a story, or....?"
Ditz: "Um, a picture.........?"
Me: "...........and what was it of?"
Ditz: ".........a policeman.........."
Me: *starting to carve arcane symbols into desk with letter opener* "And was there a story or anything attached to it?"
Ditz: "Um..........I don't know........"
Me: *twitch* "Do you know the name of anyone in the picture?"
Ditz: ".......a policeman......"
Me: *trying to remember what karma I'm getting back right now* "....do you know when this ran?"
Ditz: "Last.......year?"
Me: *maybe it's from that time I kicked my dad in the nose...no, that was an accident* "Do you know WHEN last year?"
Ditz: "...........nooooooooo........."
Me: *Ah, this must be from all the negative energy of constantly sending ill will towards my ex-classmates...no, this isn't quite that bad...* "...was it a picture of anything other than a policeman? Was it a car wreck or something?"
Ditz: "Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..........I don't know....."
Me: *suddenly notices the date, remembers what anniversary it is...damnit, Eddie!
* "So....it's a picture of a policeman...from last year...and you can't remember the name of anyone involved, or if there was a story involved, or even narrow it down to a month for me?"
Ditz: "Cannnnnnnn............you not find it.......?"
Me: "Listen, there are microfilms at *library*, why don't you go check there?"
Ditz: "Cannnnnnnnnnnn I go there...........if I'm not a student?"
Me: "What-? Yes, yes, you can go to the library if you're not a student..."
Ditz: "Ohhhhhhhh...okay. Thank you!"
Me: "Uh-huh." *hangs up, dies laughing*
It's like the Simpsons thing with Sideshow Bob and the rakes. It starts out funny, goes so long that it gets unfunny, and yet keeps going on for so much longer that it gets funny again.
(Note: The Eddie reference is an inside joke. Two years ago today was when Eddie Guerrero, from the WWE, died. He had a gimmick of "lying, cheating and stealing" and was a bit of a notorious prankster in the ring. I was pretty upset at work after it happened, and just about had a breakdown when some of my paperwork went missing. My boss, to cheer me up, suddenly joked, "I bet Eddie stole it!" Since then, our little joke is that whenever something goes wrong, Eddie did it.
)
Pauses given as they happened. Imagine the bleachiest blonde bimbette you've ever spoken to, then breed her with Kato Kaelin...and make sure the mother smokes pot during the first trimester. The resulting female hellspawn of California Valley Girl and Personification Of Duh is what I was talking to.
Also keep in mind that this is a NEWSPAPER, and hence, photos of police in our paper are pretty freaking commen. I'd bet there's at least two a week. Hence the impossibility of what she's asking.
Me: "Newsroom."
Ditz: "Hiiii......I was just talking to circulation........they sent me to you......."
Me: "...okay, how can I help you?"
Ditz: "Ummmmm..............I need a paper....from last year........"
Me: *waits for clarification for about 30 seconds, gets none* "Okay, what were you searching for?"
Ditz: "Ummmm....?"
Me: *offers my own clarification* "Were you looking for a story, or....?"
Ditz: "Um, a picture.........?"
Me: "...........and what was it of?"
Ditz: ".........a policeman.........."
Me: *starting to carve arcane symbols into desk with letter opener* "And was there a story or anything attached to it?"
Ditz: "Um..........I don't know........"
Me: *twitch* "Do you know the name of anyone in the picture?"
Ditz: ".......a policeman......"
Me: *trying to remember what karma I'm getting back right now* "....do you know when this ran?"
Ditz: "Last.......year?"
Me: *maybe it's from that time I kicked my dad in the nose...no, that was an accident* "Do you know WHEN last year?"
Ditz: "...........nooooooooo........."
Me: *Ah, this must be from all the negative energy of constantly sending ill will towards my ex-classmates...no, this isn't quite that bad...* "...was it a picture of anything other than a policeman? Was it a car wreck or something?"
Ditz: "Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..........I don't know....."
Me: *suddenly notices the date, remembers what anniversary it is...damnit, Eddie!
* "So....it's a picture of a policeman...from last year...and you can't remember the name of anyone involved, or if there was a story involved, or even narrow it down to a month for me?"Ditz: "Cannnnnnnn............you not find it.......?"
Me: "Listen, there are microfilms at *library*, why don't you go check there?"
Ditz: "Cannnnnnnnnnnn I go there...........if I'm not a student?"
Me: "What-? Yes, yes, you can go to the library if you're not a student..."
Ditz: "Ohhhhhhhh...okay. Thank you!"
Me: "Uh-huh." *hangs up, dies laughing*
It's like the Simpsons thing with Sideshow Bob and the rakes. It starts out funny, goes so long that it gets unfunny, and yet keeps going on for so much longer that it gets funny again.
(Note: The Eddie reference is an inside joke. Two years ago today was when Eddie Guerrero, from the WWE, died. He had a gimmick of "lying, cheating and stealing" and was a bit of a notorious prankster in the ring. I was pretty upset at work after it happened, and just about had a breakdown when some of my paperwork went missing. My boss, to cheer me up, suddenly joked, "I bet Eddie stole it!" Since then, our little joke is that whenever something goes wrong, Eddie did it.
)
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