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Hello there everyone, I'm your every day run-o'-the-mill security guard. Now, I don't work in a store, but I deal with a lot of stupid people on this job regardless. I'll try to post as many stories as I can remember.
No, this isn't public property
This is one of the best stories I have, just because of the guy's reaction at the end.
ID: Idiot Dad
ME: Of course.
I'm working at a housing construction site. As of this point the site is a paved road, the skeleton of a bunch of houses, dirt, piles of dirt, and holes from which said piles of dirt came from. It is a liability hazard, so no one other than workers are allowed on the site. There is a huge sign at the only entrance to the site that states this.
I'm walking around near the entrance of the site when I see a family of four come on to the site. There's the man, his wife, and their two daughters, the older of whom couldn't have been over 10. Each of them has a dog on a leash. I go up to the dad, because he was in front, and tell him(politely) that they cannot be there.
ID: *ignores me and brushes past me as if I didn't exist*
Me: *moves in front of ID, blocking his path* Sir, I'm afraid you can't be here. This is a closed site. There's a sign by the entrance if you want more information.
ID: *looks as if he just now noticed me* We can be here. We're just taking the dogs for a walk.
Me: I'm sorry, sir, but this is a closed site. No one other than workers can come on this site. You need to leave.
ID: This is a public street! You can't close a public street!!(He is screaming at the top of his lungs now)
Me: Actually, this is a private street in a private neighborhood, and yes, we can close it to the public. This entire area is just one big liability suit waiting to happen. You can't be here.
At this point the idiot dad begins ranting and raving while his family silently watches. I hold my cool and keep repeating the facts. This goes on for about ten minutes. Finally, he comes up with this gem:
ID: That's it! I'm going to call the manager about you!
Ah yes, the SC's trump card: calling a higher authority to complain about you. Well, my supervisor and managers like and trust me, so I knew they would back me up if this guy actually bothered to call.
Me:
Well sir, there are five groups you can call to complain about this: (company that owns the site), the general contractor, (the construction company), the City of Tucson, and (company I work for). I have three of their numbers. Would you like them? 
ID: *Turns the most amazing shade of purple I have ever seen* *long pause* FUCK YOU!!!!!
He then storms off, his family silently is tow.
DO NOT ENTER signs don't apply to me!
This is a collection of short encounters at Hi Corbett Field, a minor league baseball stadium in Tucson. The Colorado Rockies hold their Spring Training there, and my security company is always hired as their night watchman. It is our job to watch the employee/player parking lot, as well as all the expensive equipment the Rockies bring with them.
The lot where I worked is usually an open lot, which also leads to a dog park that neighbors the stadium. While the Rockies are here, a fence is put up blocking both sides of the lot. The entrance side has a huge gate that is open during the day, but manned by a Rockies security guard. My shift began at 6:00PM, but I wasn't allowed to close the gate until all the workers left. This was usually around 8:00PM. There are also two HUGE signs that say Employees Only or DO NOT ENTER. No one pays any attention to these signs.
Most people are understanding when I tell them why they can't enter, then there are people that are just stupid. Such as the old man on the bike. He rides right past me and the now off-duty Rockies guard, ignoring us both as we shout at him that the lot is closed. He gets to the other end of the lot, and finding it locked, comes back and stops next to us.
Old biker: Why's the gate closed?
Me: (explains)
OB: That's bullshit! I pay my taxes!(rides off)
...what? What does paying your taxes have to do with this? We're security guards, not cops. Our pay does not depend on taxes.
Or the girl on the cell phone who ignored me when I tried to stop her. She walked right on past me and about twenty feet into the lot before I was forced to stand in front of her to keep her from going any further.
Stupid girl: Get the fuck outta my way!
Me: No, this is a closed site and you are trespassing. Leave now.
SG: Move, fatass!!
Me: You need to get the fuck outta here NOW before I call the cops. And since the Rockies bring in a TON of money to this city, this is a very important place to them. They will be here in two minutes. I have timed them. Trust me.
SG: (Sighs unbelievably loud) What's your name?
Me: (Tells her)
SG: Your full name.
Me: (Tells her)
SG: Who do you work for?
Me: (Again, I tell her)
SG: I'm gonna get my boyfriend to beat you up.
Me: I hope he has a hard head, because a three-cell Maglight to the skull hurts(I wave my flashlight at her for emphasis). Now get the fuck outta here.
She leaves. I love my job. If someone yells and curses at me, I am allowed to yell and curse right back. I was told not to bend over for anyone, and if they give me hell, to give em hell right on back. Her boyfriend never showed up. Shame really, I was having a bad day and was looking forward to knocking him senseless.
It's 6:30 in the morning. Workers and players have been showing up for over an hour, so the gate is open again. A huge black guy with two duffel bags and what looked like a sledgehammer wrapped in a towel and duct tape. This guy looked like he weighed 300 pounds, all of it muscle.
Weird guy: Hey man, where the managers at?
Me: I dunno. What can I do for you?
WG: I wanna try out.
Me: Excuse me?
WG: I wanna try out. For the team?
Me: ...I don't think it works that way.
WG: Can you let me in?
Me: Sorry, no.
WG: That's okay, man. I'll just wait until the managers show up.
He walks over to a grass lot about a hundred feet away and proceeds to swing the sledgehammer-thing like an oversized baseball bat.
My relief shows up a few minutes later and comments on the guy:
Day guard: What's up with him?
Me: He wants to try out for the team.
DG: Really? They don't do that here. Tryouts were a while ago.
Me: I figured, but I wasn't going to tell him that.
DG: (Sees the guy swinging the obviously heavy bat) ...Good idea. I'll let the coaches know about him.
Ahh, the autograph hunters. These people are jackasses.
They usually begin crowding the gate about two weeks into spring training. They show up as early as five AM hoping to get someone's autograph. Fortunately, most of them know not to go where they are not allowed. In fact, they seemed to be the only people who noticed and obeyed the Do Not Enter signs. Except for one guy.
It's almost 7:00AM. My shift is almost over. There are about ten autograph hunters lined up along the fence. At this point players are walking from the locker room to the batting fields, which are separate from Hi Corbett Field. Their path takes them right through the lot I am guarding. One of the hunters recognizes a player and begins shouting his name excitedly. The player ignores him. So the hunter runs past me and up to the player, jabbering excitedly. I storm up to him and grab him by the sleeve and begin hauling his ass back to the gate.
Autograph hunter: Hey man, I just want an autograph!
Me: You are trespassing and harassing a player. Shut up and wait like everyone else.
AH: This isn't fair!
Me: Yes it is. There are rules for this shit, man. I could have you arrested for this.
AH: Bullshit, man!
Player: Relax dude, I'll give him his autograph.
Me: You really want to reward this guy's idiocy? He's breaking the rules. Hell, he's breaking the law.
Player: It's not a problem. Happens all the time. (He proceeds to sign the guy's card.)
AH: I told you man! Hey, leggo!
Me: (I still hadn't let go of him and dragged him back to the gate and threw him outside once he got his card back) Come back in here and I bust your skull.
AH: You can't do that!
Me: (I begin slapping my Maglight into my palm) Try me.
He and all the other hunters took a collective few steps back and didn't come near the fence again. Sadly my shift ended a little after that, and the day guard was a frail old man, so I doubt the fear stayed in them.
I have no idea what this guy was on
It's 4:30AM. I'm sitting in my car next to the gate reading a book. I notice a guy in a red hoodie stumbling through the lot on the other side of the gate. I pay him little mind. Then he walks up to the gate. He pulls on it, but since it is chained together, it only moves about a foot. He grabs the chain and yanks on it. Nothing happens. He grabs the lock and yanks on it. Nothing happens. He looks up to the top of the gate. Oh no, don't even think about it, jackass. He begins climbing. I honk my horn at him. This is usually enough to deter most trespassers, but not this guy. He gets to the top of the gate and swings one leg over. I get out of my car and shine my flashlight up at him.
Me: Just what the fuck do you think you are doing?
Junkie: (It takes him like 30 seconds just to focus on me before he replies) Trying to get over.
Me: Trying to get...get down! On the other side!
J: (He jumps down on the other side) Is there a pay phone in there? I need to call my bro.
Me: No. Get outta here.(This is somewhat true. There are pay phones in the stadium, but they are turned off.)
J: Okay man, see ya later.(He stumbles off into the darkness. A minute later a cop drives by and asks if I had seen a guy matching the junkie's description. I told the cop the direction he had gone, and the cop turn on his lights and went off after him.)
I never did learn what the guy did, and I never saw him again.
Don't fuck with the security guard, folks. We work long hours and have to deal with more stupid people than you can imagine. I don't know about other companies, but as I said, ours didn't care much about making idiots happy. You piss us off, we will be assholes to you. You cuss at us, we will cuss back. You yell, we yell back. You threaten us in any shape, way or form and we will beat you senseless. You threaten anyone near us and we will beat you until you stop making noise. We don't fuck around.
Fortunately, I have never had to hit anyone on this job. I have come close several times, but when people notice I am ready to defend myself they back off. Several times I have come between brawls. I have been the only thing that kept two people from killing each other. I've had to deal with rape victims. I've been taunted and teased for being a rent-a-cop. Out of all of those, which one do you think I care the least about? The taunting and teasing. This has happened to me at every site I have worked at. Guess what, morons? I don't care. I'll go more into that in my next post. But for now, it's eight in the morning and I have work tonight. Hope you enjoyed reading.
No, this isn't public property
This is one of the best stories I have, just because of the guy's reaction at the end.
ID: Idiot Dad
ME: Of course.
I'm working at a housing construction site. As of this point the site is a paved road, the skeleton of a bunch of houses, dirt, piles of dirt, and holes from which said piles of dirt came from. It is a liability hazard, so no one other than workers are allowed on the site. There is a huge sign at the only entrance to the site that states this.
I'm walking around near the entrance of the site when I see a family of four come on to the site. There's the man, his wife, and their two daughters, the older of whom couldn't have been over 10. Each of them has a dog on a leash. I go up to the dad, because he was in front, and tell him(politely) that they cannot be there.
ID: *ignores me and brushes past me as if I didn't exist*
Me: *moves in front of ID, blocking his path* Sir, I'm afraid you can't be here. This is a closed site. There's a sign by the entrance if you want more information.
ID: *looks as if he just now noticed me* We can be here. We're just taking the dogs for a walk.
Me: I'm sorry, sir, but this is a closed site. No one other than workers can come on this site. You need to leave.
ID: This is a public street! You can't close a public street!!(He is screaming at the top of his lungs now)
Me: Actually, this is a private street in a private neighborhood, and yes, we can close it to the public. This entire area is just one big liability suit waiting to happen. You can't be here.
At this point the idiot dad begins ranting and raving while his family silently watches. I hold my cool and keep repeating the facts. This goes on for about ten minutes. Finally, he comes up with this gem:
ID: That's it! I'm going to call the manager about you!
Ah yes, the SC's trump card: calling a higher authority to complain about you. Well, my supervisor and managers like and trust me, so I knew they would back me up if this guy actually bothered to call.
Me:
Well sir, there are five groups you can call to complain about this: (company that owns the site), the general contractor, (the construction company), the City of Tucson, and (company I work for). I have three of their numbers. Would you like them? ID: *Turns the most amazing shade of purple I have ever seen* *long pause* FUCK YOU!!!!!
He then storms off, his family silently is tow.
DO NOT ENTER signs don't apply to me!
This is a collection of short encounters at Hi Corbett Field, a minor league baseball stadium in Tucson. The Colorado Rockies hold their Spring Training there, and my security company is always hired as their night watchman. It is our job to watch the employee/player parking lot, as well as all the expensive equipment the Rockies bring with them.
The lot where I worked is usually an open lot, which also leads to a dog park that neighbors the stadium. While the Rockies are here, a fence is put up blocking both sides of the lot. The entrance side has a huge gate that is open during the day, but manned by a Rockies security guard. My shift began at 6:00PM, but I wasn't allowed to close the gate until all the workers left. This was usually around 8:00PM. There are also two HUGE signs that say Employees Only or DO NOT ENTER. No one pays any attention to these signs.
Most people are understanding when I tell them why they can't enter, then there are people that are just stupid. Such as the old man on the bike. He rides right past me and the now off-duty Rockies guard, ignoring us both as we shout at him that the lot is closed. He gets to the other end of the lot, and finding it locked, comes back and stops next to us.
Old biker: Why's the gate closed?
Me: (explains)
OB: That's bullshit! I pay my taxes!(rides off)
...what? What does paying your taxes have to do with this? We're security guards, not cops. Our pay does not depend on taxes.
Or the girl on the cell phone who ignored me when I tried to stop her. She walked right on past me and about twenty feet into the lot before I was forced to stand in front of her to keep her from going any further.
Stupid girl: Get the fuck outta my way!
Me: No, this is a closed site and you are trespassing. Leave now.
SG: Move, fatass!!
Me: You need to get the fuck outta here NOW before I call the cops. And since the Rockies bring in a TON of money to this city, this is a very important place to them. They will be here in two minutes. I have timed them. Trust me.
SG: (Sighs unbelievably loud) What's your name?
Me: (Tells her)
SG: Your full name.
Me: (Tells her)
SG: Who do you work for?
Me: (Again, I tell her)
SG: I'm gonna get my boyfriend to beat you up.
Me: I hope he has a hard head, because a three-cell Maglight to the skull hurts(I wave my flashlight at her for emphasis). Now get the fuck outta here.
She leaves. I love my job. If someone yells and curses at me, I am allowed to yell and curse right back. I was told not to bend over for anyone, and if they give me hell, to give em hell right on back. Her boyfriend never showed up. Shame really, I was having a bad day and was looking forward to knocking him senseless.
It's 6:30 in the morning. Workers and players have been showing up for over an hour, so the gate is open again. A huge black guy with two duffel bags and what looked like a sledgehammer wrapped in a towel and duct tape. This guy looked like he weighed 300 pounds, all of it muscle.
Weird guy: Hey man, where the managers at?
Me: I dunno. What can I do for you?
WG: I wanna try out.
Me: Excuse me?
WG: I wanna try out. For the team?
Me: ...I don't think it works that way.
WG: Can you let me in?
Me: Sorry, no.
WG: That's okay, man. I'll just wait until the managers show up.
He walks over to a grass lot about a hundred feet away and proceeds to swing the sledgehammer-thing like an oversized baseball bat.
My relief shows up a few minutes later and comments on the guy:
Day guard: What's up with him?
Me: He wants to try out for the team.
DG: Really? They don't do that here. Tryouts were a while ago.
Me: I figured, but I wasn't going to tell him that.
DG: (Sees the guy swinging the obviously heavy bat) ...Good idea. I'll let the coaches know about him.
Ahh, the autograph hunters. These people are jackasses.
They usually begin crowding the gate about two weeks into spring training. They show up as early as five AM hoping to get someone's autograph. Fortunately, most of them know not to go where they are not allowed. In fact, they seemed to be the only people who noticed and obeyed the Do Not Enter signs. Except for one guy.
It's almost 7:00AM. My shift is almost over. There are about ten autograph hunters lined up along the fence. At this point players are walking from the locker room to the batting fields, which are separate from Hi Corbett Field. Their path takes them right through the lot I am guarding. One of the hunters recognizes a player and begins shouting his name excitedly. The player ignores him. So the hunter runs past me and up to the player, jabbering excitedly. I storm up to him and grab him by the sleeve and begin hauling his ass back to the gate.
Autograph hunter: Hey man, I just want an autograph!
Me: You are trespassing and harassing a player. Shut up and wait like everyone else.
AH: This isn't fair!
Me: Yes it is. There are rules for this shit, man. I could have you arrested for this.
AH: Bullshit, man!
Player: Relax dude, I'll give him his autograph.
Me: You really want to reward this guy's idiocy? He's breaking the rules. Hell, he's breaking the law.
Player: It's not a problem. Happens all the time. (He proceeds to sign the guy's card.)
AH: I told you man! Hey, leggo!
Me: (I still hadn't let go of him and dragged him back to the gate and threw him outside once he got his card back) Come back in here and I bust your skull.
AH: You can't do that!
Me: (I begin slapping my Maglight into my palm) Try me.
He and all the other hunters took a collective few steps back and didn't come near the fence again. Sadly my shift ended a little after that, and the day guard was a frail old man, so I doubt the fear stayed in them.
I have no idea what this guy was on
It's 4:30AM. I'm sitting in my car next to the gate reading a book. I notice a guy in a red hoodie stumbling through the lot on the other side of the gate. I pay him little mind. Then he walks up to the gate. He pulls on it, but since it is chained together, it only moves about a foot. He grabs the chain and yanks on it. Nothing happens. He grabs the lock and yanks on it. Nothing happens. He looks up to the top of the gate. Oh no, don't even think about it, jackass. He begins climbing. I honk my horn at him. This is usually enough to deter most trespassers, but not this guy. He gets to the top of the gate and swings one leg over. I get out of my car and shine my flashlight up at him.
Me: Just what the fuck do you think you are doing?
Junkie: (It takes him like 30 seconds just to focus on me before he replies) Trying to get over.
Me: Trying to get...get down! On the other side!
J: (He jumps down on the other side) Is there a pay phone in there? I need to call my bro.
Me: No. Get outta here.(This is somewhat true. There are pay phones in the stadium, but they are turned off.)
J: Okay man, see ya later.(He stumbles off into the darkness. A minute later a cop drives by and asks if I had seen a guy matching the junkie's description. I told the cop the direction he had gone, and the cop turn on his lights and went off after him.)
I never did learn what the guy did, and I never saw him again.
Don't fuck with the security guard, folks. We work long hours and have to deal with more stupid people than you can imagine. I don't know about other companies, but as I said, ours didn't care much about making idiots happy. You piss us off, we will be assholes to you. You cuss at us, we will cuss back. You yell, we yell back. You threaten us in any shape, way or form and we will beat you senseless. You threaten anyone near us and we will beat you until you stop making noise. We don't fuck around.
Fortunately, I have never had to hit anyone on this job. I have come close several times, but when people notice I am ready to defend myself they back off. Several times I have come between brawls. I have been the only thing that kept two people from killing each other. I've had to deal with rape victims. I've been taunted and teased for being a rent-a-cop. Out of all of those, which one do you think I care the least about? The taunting and teasing. This has happened to me at every site I have worked at. Guess what, morons? I don't care. I'll go more into that in my next post. But for now, it's eight in the morning and I have work tonight. Hope you enjoyed reading.
What are cockles?
So then, are you still working as a security guard? I worked as one for about 5 years...it's about the most fun customer service job you can have, really.
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